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AnnKay Offline OP
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Thank you, Valeska for posting.
Originally Posted by Valeska19
I'm glad you have support. It will help calm the fear and allow you to make the best decisions for YOU and the kids.
and thanks for reminding me it is about ME and the kids, and what H does is just what parents need to do, and nothing to do with our relationship. Lines do get blurry sometimes in my head and I fear that if we do have a D whether anyone will ever be as good as him with my children.

Originally Posted by Valeska19
don't have kids but I do know what it's like to walk on eggshells. It's no way to live.
Noone should live like that. How do you know enough is enough and how do you define your limits to this sort of interactions? I'm afraid that if I don't draw the line, with all the lack of sleep and stress on top of it will make me depressed and unable to care for my children.

Originally Posted by Valeska19
AK - you have no control over what H does. You constantly adjusting your feeling and communication out of way to "control" his behavior is a false safety net.
Originally Posted by Valeska19
Sure he may be going through the motions of work.. but his heart is very much still a WAS. You did a great job walking away.
Anger is good. It is a warning signal to tell us something is wrong!
I can sense he is still very much WAS even if he tries to say otherwise, his actions shows differently. I know I can't control what he does, but how do I get him to work on our piecing if me communicating this is "controlling"?

Originally Posted by Valeska19
This is out of your control. He's not ready to hear it yet. I would suggest letting the conversation go for now.
Yes, I guess this is something i need to let go at the moment.

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AnnKay Offline OP
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Originally Posted by Newborn
Originally Posted by AnnKay
My question is, how do I bring it up again or how do I make him understand the gravity of what he has done without upsetting him but also without being a doormat?

I know the feeling! Would love to tell off the STBX but appreciate his help when needed. Sorry we're in the same boat.

I just ask myself: Is it worth losing the help around the house to call him out on his terrible behavior? If not, just put up with him for now until you can come up with plan B i'm afraid.

Thanks, Newborn. Yes, it appears that I just have to put up with it.

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AK,

Based of your responses here it will be very difficult to piece. If your H is still a WS and there is no remorse or regret you would be piecing for the wrong reasons and at best kicking the can down the road.

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Originally Posted by AnnKay
Thank you, Valeska for posting.
Originally Posted by Valeska19
I'm glad you have support. It will help calm the fear and allow you to make the best decisions for YOU and the kids.
and thanks for reminding me it is about ME and the kids, and what H does is just what parents need to do, and nothing to do with our relationship. Lines do get blurry sometimes in my head and I fear that if we do have a D whether anyone will ever be as good as him with my children.

I think it's important to try to remember that a D doesn't mean he won't be involved in with the kids. The only way that happens is if HE chooses to not be a dad.


Originally Posted by AnnKay
Noone should live like that. How do you know enough is enough and how do you define your limits to this sort of interactions? I'm afraid that if I don't draw the line, with all the lack of sleep and stress on top of it will make me depressed and unable to care for my children.


Honestly it's different for everyone. You won't be "done" one minute until you are ready to be. But IF you feel you want to start... you control YOUR responses. He spews venom, you walk away. He wants to rant... you walk away. He wants to threaten... you say "Ok". You stop all participation in toxic communication.

Originally Posted by AnnKay
I can sense he is still very much WAS even if he tries to say otherwise, his actions shows differently. I know I can't control what he does, but how do I get him to work on our piecing if me communicating this is "controlling"?

How do you feel he is acting differently? Based on what you post... he's not really doing anything different as a partner... only starting to show up as a father.


Also you can't "get him" to do anything. You control YOU... which speaking of... I'm a little confused. Do you want him out of the house and only work on co-parenting? Or do you want to work on the relationship.?

Consistency with your actions first begins with clarity in your mind.


M(f): 40
D'ed: 8/12

Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.

Love at all costs because you are loved well.
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AnnKay Offline OP
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Originally Posted by Valeska19
I think it's important to try to remember that a D doesn't mean he won't be involved in with the kids. The only way that happens is if HE chooses to not be a dad.

Thank you, Valeska. I just don't want to be the one who splits him up with his children. I know what he did (not once, but twice) previously effectively split him up with his son, but I'm not like that and I'd hate to think this is not best for the children and they'll end up resenting me in the future.

Originally Posted by Valeska19
Honestly it's different for everyone. You won't be "done" one minute until you are ready to be. But IF you feel you want to start... you control YOUR responses. He spews venom, you walk away. He wants to rant... you walk away. He wants to threaten... you say "Ok". You stop all participation in toxic communication.
Yes, I can only control myself. It is just getting a little too exhausting. Maybe I'm overly tired from dealing with a newborn as well, or maybe this is my limit.

Originally Posted by Valeska19
How do you feel he is acting differently? Based on what you post... he's not really doing anything different as a partner... only starting to show up as a father.
I guess the only different thing is that he's back home and started to help me out more with chores, but yes, no real effort to "piecing" or something similar.

Originally Posted by Valeska19
Also you can't "get him" to do anything. You control YOU... which speaking of... I'm a little confused. Do you want him out of the house and only work on co-parenting? Or do you want to work on the relationship.?
You got me, Valeska. I am not entirely sure. I thought we were working on the relationship while he is living out of the house, but it seems with time he just wants to sweep everything under the rug and pretend all is good without doing the work. This frustrates me and I'm not sure how to go about it.

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Originally Posted by AnnKay
Originally Posted by Valeska19
I think it's important to try to remember that a D doesn't mean he won't be involved in with the kids. The only way that happens is if HE chooses to not be a dad.

Thank you, Valeska. I just don't want to be the one who splits him up with his children. I know what he did (not once, but twice) previously effectively split him up with his son, but I'm not like that and I'd hate to think this is not best for the children and they'll end up resenting me in the future.

From what I've seen on this board... kids are pretty insightful. It's not your place to protect your H from his choices. And its definitely NOT best for the kids if the parents aren't in a loving relationship but are still married.

Originally Posted by AnnKay
Originally Posted by Valeska19
Honestly it's different for everyone. You won't be "done" one minute until you are ready to be. But IF you feel you want to start... you control YOUR responses. He spews venom, you walk away. He wants to rant... you walk away. He wants to threaten... you say "Ok". You stop all participation in toxic communication.
Yes, I can only control myself. It is just getting a little too exhausting. Maybe I'm overly tired from dealing with a newborn as well, or maybe this is my limit.


I bet. I would say just focus on the baby. Leave your H to his own thoughts and feelings entirely.

Originally Posted by AnnKay
Originally Posted by Valeska19
How do you feel he is acting differently? Based on what you post... he's not really doing anything different as a partner... only starting to show up as a father.
I guess the only different thing is that he's back home and started to help me out more with chores, but yes, no real effort to "piecing" or something similar.

The proof is in the pudding as they say.

Originally Posted by AnnKay
Originally Posted by Valeska19
Also you can't "get him" to do anything. You control YOU... which speaking of... I'm a little confused. Do you want him out of the house and only work on co-parenting? Or do you want to work on the relationship.?
You got me, Valeska. I am not entirely sure. I thought we were working on the relationship while he is living out of the house, but it seems with time he just wants to sweep everything under the rug and pretend all is good without doing the work. This frustrates me and I'm not sure how to go about it.

Focus on you. Your wants. Your needs. Detach. Detach. Detach!


M(f): 40
D'ed: 8/12

Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.

Love at all costs because you are loved well.
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