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It's interesting on the point of trying validation and IHS. STBXWF is having emotional outbursts in email when I delay and respond to what's good for me. IRL, she's avoiding me and really not engaging. In fact she has been rude at my validation attempts in email or in person. Not that I consider myself overdoing it. But it's interesting to see.

It's also interesting to she how she's slowly realizing I mean business. When I suggested one of her points required advice, she went off I had no right to get an L without her permission (even though I never used the L word). When I politely emailed it's not her concern, I'm free to get legal advice, and that if we don't use a guided property settlement service (which is a cheaper way to do it with legal advice), she realized it was the best option. I'm pleased because it will validate she is way off. And I know I'm good there because I already got a second opinion which confirmed her views are out of this world. It's just astounding to see the cake eating.

Anyway, I'm feeling more positive about getting some control, and at least one compromise. And now I'm off to meet an old friend who went through a nasty D. It'll be good to get some tips.


Me: 47 w/ S10, D12, D3
Current T: 12; M: 11 years; BD1: 11-11-18; BD2: 22-04-22; STBXW: 41
Previous M: 4 years; Big D: 2004; XW: 48
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Yeah that’s why I’m not a fan of validating WS. So they know you better than anyone in the world so when you change your responses it comes off as either manipulative or condescending. That’s why my advice is always to practice on everyone else until it becomes natural.

So now you’re engaging in arguments which is never good in general especially with a wayward.

I think you might be confused on the term cake eating.

TT I have to be honest this was a disappointing update. All your posts are about what she’s doing and little about what improvements/changes you are making.

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Originally Posted by tt180
In fact she has been rude at my validation attempts in email or in person.
Most LBS struggle with their first attempts at validation, often doing something else entirely, sometimes coming across as condescending. If you have not yet watched Brene Brown's 5-minute video on empathy, have a watch. That's the mindset you want to have when validating! When you do it right your WAS feels seen and heard and the effect can be dramatic. I was astonished at how quickly it turned around my situation and improved my relationships. If you've already read the validation cheat sheet and are making an earnest go at it, post the openings she gave, your tries at validation, and her responses. Those of us who have practice with it can offer feedback. As with any skill, practice and feedback are key.

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Originally Posted by tt180
When I suggested one of her points required advice, she went off I had no right to get an L without her permission (even though I never used the L word). When I politely emailed it's not her concern, I'm free to get legal advice, and that if we don't use a guided property settlement service (which is a cheaper way to do it with legal advice), she realized it was the best option.
So, "Agree to a guided property settlement service or I'm calling a lawyer." It's great you're getting legal professionals involved. Is this in place of mediation? I agree with legal experts and without fighting you should both come out fine.

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Agree with LH you should focus more on you.
However I must say I "sense"/hear a bit of a changing mindset which is great!
Your wording sort of sounds like your moving from panic mode to orientation mode.

So whats your plans for yourself this weekend?


Me: 34
Stbxw: 30
D:5 D:3
Mini bd: May/June 2019
Married: Aug 2019
BD: 6th Dec 2019
OM Confirmed: Feb 2020
March 2020: I filed for D
Waiting for D to be finalized and W to move out end of January 2021
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I'll accept the 2x4 to focus on me. Yes, my mind is orientated to the future and to get through this mess.

I had a great GAL out with an ex-coworker. His big D experience was helpful and uplifting and I got some good advice on the process, and post-D life. We'll be meeting up more regularly and we will even be looking at a future business venture once I know what my life will be like post-D. It felt good.

I have a weekend GAL out with a poker friend for dinner, drinks, and watching rugby. He is fun and supportive, and will take my mind off things. I personally don't drink heaps anymore, but will have one or two.

Otherwise, not much on the weekend for me, just playing with kids as much as I can.

The hard stuff is a chat with STBXW on how to tell the kids AND about mediation for finances. It will require a lot of resolve and focus to ensure I'm not trapped into an emotional argument.

Traveler, it's a special mediation service that guides us through the process in the right legal framework. It also includes independent legal advice on both side. It's also massively cheaper then negotiating with Ls. This is what I wanted because STBXW needs to understand what she wants is not what the courts would agree to. Of course, I could be wrong and she's partially right, but at least it will be validated.

I'm also continuing IC with a psychologist who also experienced D, so it's also fantastic emotional support for me.


Me: 47 w/ S10, D12, D3
Current T: 12; M: 11 years; BD1: 11-11-18; BD2: 22-04-22; STBXW: 41
Previous M: 4 years; Big D: 2004; XW: 48
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What's the DB view of family events? There are some nice things happening in my local area, and with a young D2, I have to work together with STBXW. Is it out of line to invite her to a family outing? I do recall it's ok from the other side, if she invites me.

This wouldn't be a date, it's purely a family event.

ATM, she's ghosting me (which is nice), and is organising family events without me and D2 (I look after D2 while D1 and S have times with her)


Me: 47 w/ S10, D12, D3
Current T: 12; M: 11 years; BD1: 11-11-18; BD2: 22-04-22; STBXW: 41
Previous M: 4 years; Big D: 2004; XW: 48
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Originally Posted by tt180
What's the DB view of family events?
tt180, given your push for a divorce, tactics to maximize R don't seem so important. I'd focus on what's best for your bond with your kids and your kids' bonds with each other.

Originally Posted by tt180
D2 (I look after D2 while D1 and S have times with her)
That's a strange schedule! I haven't seen siblings split up in the US since the 80s! Now everyone keeps their kids together to foster sibling bonds, which often endure longer than parental bonds.

Do Australian child psychologists support splitting up kids as best for the kids?

If not, why agree to such a schedule?

Originally Posted by tt180
There are some nice things happening in my local area, and with a young D2, I have to work together with STBXW. Is it out of line to invite her to a family outing?
If you can switch to a normal parenting schedule this melts away entirely. You go do things with all the children, or she goes and does things with all the children, no coordination.

In the meantime, if you feel it would be beneficial for D2, D1, and S to go to an event together, by all means propose it. That's key for me--what's best for my children.

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So let me clarify. Its IHS, and yeah, Australia does not like split families. When we go down the path of a parenting plan, I'm prepared for disappointment because of the age of D2. What I'm saying is doing kid things in my sitch. Rewind a month ago, and she was gung ho on family events despite sep.Now she's purposely ignoring me and organising events with S and D1, or D2 and D1, but not all three (too much effort IMHO).

It does seem that since we both agree on D, and she's making an effort to exclude me, that I don't factor her into anything. I was just thinking from a 180 POV that I've historically been passive on organizing family events, so as something different, I'd suggest something with all 5 of us. But let me do it with just the kids, and not her. It doesn't make sense considering the current climate. She's still trying to pick fights to the point where D1 says "I never said that, you are exaggerating Mom."

I'm so thrilled to get back in touch with old friends, and to GAL like 300% more than where I was two months ago.


Me: 47 w/ S10, D12, D3
Current T: 12; M: 11 years; BD1: 11-11-18; BD2: 22-04-22; STBXW: 41
Previous M: 4 years; Big D: 2004; XW: 48
Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 4,627
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Originally Posted by tt180
It does seem that since we both agree on D, and she's making an effort to exclude me, that I don't factor her into anything.
Exactly.

Originally Posted by tt180
I was just thinking from a 180 POV that I've historically been passive on organizing family events, so as something different, I'd suggest something with all 5 of us.
If you're going to make any 180s now, I'd focus on ones that will help with co-parenting, such as listening/validation, dropping control/manipulation, and setting boundaries.

Originally Posted by tt180
But let me do it with just the kids, and not her.
Great!

Originally Posted by tt180
It doesn't make sense considering the current climate. She's still trying to pick fights to the point where D1 says "I never said that, you are exaggerating Mom."
Attachment--reliving your grievances, factoring them in.

Originally Posted by tt180
I'm so thrilled to get back in touch with old friends, and to GAL like 300% more than where I was two months ago.
That's great! It's a process. (:

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