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Originally Posted by Josh_T
Hmm, I wonder if I was too supportive of the divorce today, too positive and not detached. The real estate agent was pressuring her on a bad deal. I explained why we shouldn't sign, and we should get a second opinion from a known agent who is a shark. Should I have just said do whatever you think is right? Or demonstrate support for the divorce and our position as I did? Or as LH19 suggested, get it over quickly, and encourage her to sign.

I think today, in our conversation about the real estate agent, was too positive, like we were partners. Not detached.

I think you are over-thinking it. Detachment is less about which path you choose on something like this, as much as it is being emotionally even through it. Nothing wrong with getting her to back away from a bad deal. Business is business. Detached doesn't mean not being involved, it means that you are emotionally even through it. You can be emotionally detached even if you end up staying together!! Googe: self-differentiation in marriage

I think you can push back on the bad deal, been a business partner in all of this with her and still be emotionally detached.


M(53), W(54),D(19)
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Josh_T,

You've gotten a lot of great feedback by seasoned pros over the last few days so I won't go through each line point-by-point, but here are a few high-level recommendations from me:

  • Stop ALL emotional interactions with STBXW.
  • Deal with any divorce-related communications through email, NOT verbally.
  • Consult with a lawyer ASAP.
  • DO NOT sell the house in the next two weeks. Making the best decision is better than rushing into a permanent sale based on a perception of a market.
  • Forget any notion of keeping a nuclear family close post-D (duplex, renting in the same building, pop-ins in the morning...etc.).
  • Don't agree to anything less than 50/50 time with your children. I don't know Australia law - sounds like Kind18 has a good understanding - but don't cave here unless your L advises you have no choice.


Finally...you should really go back and read your thread history to gain some perspective on your relationship. In your recent threads you're back and forth as to whether you want to move out/D vs. wanting her back. Perhaps that's LBS bias of fear, no control, and losing out.

I haven't gotten a chance to read through your entire history yet, but what stood out to me most is even at the beginning of your first thread three years ago you said she had been telling you for 4 years she was planning her exit and things were bad almost immediately in your relationship from the time you two moved in together even before you were married:

Originally Posted by Josh_T, 6/11/2019
We've been together for 10 years, married for 9. I'm 44, she's 40. Kids 8 and 5 and both highly sensitive.
Originally Posted by Josh_T, 6/11/2019
I would have been neglectful to my wife probably from the point we moved in together. And the reason was that (and this is me looking back) she was and is emotionally abusive, what I refer to as tricks.
Originally Posted by Josh_T, 6/11/2019
Yes, she has been planning her exit. She told me as such. And about 4 years ago she started to say she will after any argument. A warning sign in hindsight but she always talks in extremes so I just ignored.

So you've now been together 13 years and married for 12, but she told you explicitly many times after arguments 7 years ago she's been planning her exit. That's more than half the duration of your relationship! Plus, you state things were bad (neglect and emotional abuse) from the start.

I'm pro-marriage and think a single-family nuclear household is best for kids, but in your situation both of you would need to make significant long-lasting changes for your marriage to work.

Honest reflection on the history of your relationship may help you detach, accept, and move forward in your current situation.

Last edited by BL42; 05/02/22 05:43 PM.

Me:39 Ex-W:37
M:7 T: 9
S:6 D:3
BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20
OM1 affair ends: May '20
W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20
W files for D: Jul20
OM2 confirmed: 9/2020
Divorced: May '21
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I have a lot to reflect here. I'm going to have some good distractions this week at work as some execs are in town.

Interestingly, this is the first night I've sleep through.


Me: 47 w/ S10, D12, D3
Current T: 12; M: 11 years; BD1: 11-11-18; BD2: 22-04-22; STBXW: 41
Previous M: 4 years; Big D: 2004; XW: 48
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OMG.

Josh,

These are some of the biggest decisions you will be making in your life. No need to rush into anything until you are 100% certain you are making the right decisions for the right reasons.

How important is your relationship with your children? Would you die to protect them? If so, you should do everything in your power to ensure you are actively involved in their lives. Week on/week off parenting arrangements is the goal. Younger kids might needs frequent contact with both parents. 365/2 = 183. I stayed in the marital house until I had an agreement for 50/50 parenting.

You rolling over like a puppy dog is not in your kids best interest. You will have a lot of pressure from W,the legal system and who knows what else. You can handle it.

Strong and resolved. Control your emotions. Do not let them control you. Let W be as angry as she needs to be. "You look angry. We can continue this when you have calmed down."

Look into a fathers advocates group in your area.


"What is best for my kids is best for me"
Amor Fati
Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
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Thanks for the support. L meeting today, and I reflect on what is right for me and kids. You are all correct. I want 50/50 even with D2. I need a clean break, no common sharing, coming over, blurring boundaries. I haven't deeply loved my W for ten years, I deserve better. I surprise myself with my stength in that I do tell myself what I want in the future, the kind of partner I deserve.

I have time before that becomes a reality, moving out is minimum two months or longer. IHS [censored], but that is my reality. I know I have the power to keep detaching and improving myself.

As BL42 said, anything less doesn't work for me.


Me: 47 w/ S10, D12, D3
Current T: 12; M: 11 years; BD1: 11-11-18; BD2: 22-04-22; STBXW: 41
Previous M: 4 years; Big D: 2004; XW: 48
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Quote
I haven't deeply loved my W for ten years, I deserve better.

If that's true, she deserves better too.

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Originally Posted by Josh_T
Thanks for the support. L meeting today, and I reflect on what is right for me and kids. You are all correct. I want 50/50 even with D2. I need a clean break, no common sharing, coming over, blurring boundaries. I haven't deeply loved my W for ten years, I deserve better. I surprise myself with my stength in that I do tell myself what I want in the future, the kind of partner I deserve.

I have time before that becomes a reality, moving out is minimum two months or longer. IHS [censored], but that is my reality. I know I have the power to keep detaching and improving myself.

As BL42 said, anything less doesn't work for me.
Josh you are riding the roller coaster. One day you’re in the next day you’re out. Breathe. One day at a time.

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L was very helpful. Highlighted the ignorance of what XW was throwing at me and I have a stronger position than what I thought. Kind18 was spot on on the advice of child custody. I feel I have the knowledge to properly position myself when future conversations arise. My only decision now, is do I push for the settlement now, or wait until it's clear the house is selling? I'm going to sit on that decision for a week to get some breathing room.


Me: 47 w/ S10, D12, D3
Current T: 12; M: 11 years; BD1: 11-11-18; BD2: 22-04-22; STBXW: 41
Previous M: 4 years; Big D: 2004; XW: 48
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Originally Posted by Josh_T
L was very helpful. Highlighted the ignorance of what XW was throwing at me and I have a stronger position than what I thought. Kind18 was spot on on the advice of child custody. I feel I have the knowledge to properly position myself when future conversations arise. My only decision now, is do I push for the settlement now, or wait until it's clear the house is selling? I'm going to sit on that decision for a week to get some breathing room.

This sounds good!
Really take your time, like R2C said these are some of the biggest decisions of your life.

Since your kids are so young I would look into a 2,2,3 schedule but like most here say I fully agree you should aim at a 50/50 split of time.
Handling 50/50 has been solved by many men and women on this board.
I'm a Management/IT Consultant with ~50 hour weeks (some weeks 80) and I have my kids every other week. Not once in 1,5 years have I asked XW for help. JosephS has his kids 100% if I'm not mistaken.
I cherish the little moments I have with the kids on my weeks. Yesterday all of a sudden I saw my kids rakeing the lawn. I just stopped what I was doing and looked at them for a few minutes and then joined them. A beautiful moment that I will remember for a long time.


Me: 34
Stbxw: 30
D:5 D:3
Mini bd: May/June 2019
Married: Aug 2019
BD: 6th Dec 2019
OM Confirmed: Feb 2020
March 2020: I filed for D
Waiting for D to be finalized and W to move out end of January 2021
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Also I believe both you and OnlyBent are from Australia.
You should read his thread.

OBs threadd


Me: 34
Stbxw: 30
D:5 D:3
Mini bd: May/June 2019
Married: Aug 2019
BD: 6th Dec 2019
OM Confirmed: Feb 2020
March 2020: I filed for D
Waiting for D to be finalized and W to move out end of January 2021
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