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I don’t agree. She is the mother of your children. Help the kids pick out a nice present for their mom. This is something you should do even when divorced. Let the card be from them. This is for the kids sake , not hers.

As for the anniversary - it’s ok to skip that.

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Josh,

Anniversary — You’re getting divorced AND described the relationship as toxic. I would not get her a gift to celebrate your marriage. If she gets a card or gift, express gratitude and say “Thank you.” I would NOT tell her her gift is “inappropriate”. That’s manipulation and creates more friction.

Mother’s Day — I would help your kids get a gift. Mother’s Day celebrates her as their mom. Stay out of the narrative. Your message sounds like manipulation.

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Originally Posted by LH19
Originally Posted by Traveler
Makes sense? You're throwing in the towel. She deserves pursuing sexual satisfaction and happiness.
It's comments like this that solidify my stance that marriage is a joke.

Traveler just out of curiosity what in your mind changes if he didn't throw in the towel which he hasn't BTW?
I'm not sure what he was trying to say but man it stinks like a pile of $#% around the corner.

I'm a pro marriage guy and I think Traveler's heart is always in the right place, I just really disagree with this (maybe I missed something).

I agree don't get her an anniversary gift and help the kids get a Mother's Day card.


H 34
W 29
BD 3/12/18
Divorce Busted Spring 19

It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
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Yeah,thanks. Got Anniversary sorted (say thanks and leave) and for Mothers Day, just a card.

On the note of Saturday family visits to in laws, I'm going to pass on those for now. Actually, this Sat the real estate agent is coming, and I won't be around.

Yeah, in the morning she was sulky, probably thinking about our sitch. Later, she was trying to attempt like everything is normal. Wanting to chat whilst I'm playing with my younger daughter. Trying to engage me and the older kid with jokes. It's hard to DB here because there are child things everyday.

I'm thinking, since I work in the office two days a week, I should let her know I'll be absent on those ecenings so I can do my own thing. She has to learn I won't be around like I am now.

Last edited by Josh_T; 04/29/22 05:05 PM.

Me: 47 w/ S10, D12, D3
Current T: 12; M: 11 years; BD1: 11-11-18; BD2: 22-04-22; STBXW: 41
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Originally Posted by Josh_T
It's hard to DB here because there are child things everyday.
What does DB mean to you?


M:51 W:46
T:22 M:16
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“Don’t chase people. Be yourself, do your own thing and work hard. The right people – the ones who really belong in your life – will come to you. And stay.” ~LH19
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Originally Posted by LH19
Originally Posted by Josh_T
It's hard to DB here because there are child things everyday.
What does DB mean to you?


Detaching from STBXW, reminding her I won't be there like now, that I can't be her emotional plan B when it's convenient. Doing my own thing, GAL.

Last edited by Josh_T; 04/29/22 05:16 PM.

Me: 47 w/ S10, D12, D3
Current T: 12; M: 11 years; BD1: 11-11-18; BD2: 22-04-22; STBXW: 41
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Well the detaching part is right. The problem is you can't just say I am detached and then you are detached. It's a process and it usually takes several months if not years. There are people on this forum who are not detached at all 7-10 years later.

"Yeah, in the morning she was sulky, probably thinking about our sitch. Later, she was trying to attempt like everything is normal. Wanting to chat whilst I'm playing with my younger daughter. Trying to engage me and the older kid with jokes. It's hard to DB here because there are child things everyday."

This entire statement shows lack of detachment. If you were detached you wouldn't even notice her you would be to busy playing with your kids. It's almost impossible to detach during IHS so that is why I am trying to convince you to move the process along as quick as possible.


M:51 W:46
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“Don’t chase people. Be yourself, do your own thing and work hard. The right people – the ones who really belong in your life – will come to you. And stay.” ~LH19
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Originally Posted by Josh_T
Yeah,thanks. Got Anniversary sorted (say thanks and leave) and for Mothers Day, just a card.

On the note of Saturday family visits to in laws, I'm going to pass on those for now. Actually, this Sat the real estate agent is coming, and I won't be around.

Yeah, in the morning she was sulky, probably thinking about our sitch. Later, she was trying to attempt like everything is normal. Wanting to chat whilst I'm playing with my younger daughter. Trying to engage me and the older kid with jokes. It's hard to DB here because there are child things everyday.

I'm thinking, since I work in the office two days a week, I should let her know I'll be absent on those ecenings so I can do my own thing. She has to learn I won't be around like I am now.

I think IHS is where sandi's rules really come into play. I think (could be misremembering) that her and her husband were IHS. I was in IHS and had a copy of sandi's rules with me at all times to keep them in the forefront of my mind. Obviously, GAL, self-improvements and detachment are important too, but sandi's rules really guided my IHS interactions with her. And they had a profound effect!


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Originally Posted by LH19
It's almost impossible to detach during IHS so that is why I am trying to convince you to move the process along as quick as possible.
You're right. It's hard under the same roof. The fact that I'm making comments on her mood is not detachment. In fact when I think about today, I didn't stop a single conversation with W.

To speed things up, I can see here is to communicate concrete times and days where I'm specifically with the kids, doing my own thing, or out of the house.


Me: 47 w/ S10, D12, D3
Current T: 12; M: 11 years; BD1: 11-11-18; BD2: 22-04-22; STBXW: 41
Previous M: 4 years; Big D: 2004; XW: 48
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Originally Posted by Josh_T
To speed things up, I can see here is to communicate concrete times and days where I'm specifically with the kids, doing my own thing, or out of the house.
Correct.


M:51 W:46
T:22 M:16
S:15 D:11

“Don’t chase people. Be yourself, do your own thing and work hard. The right people – the ones who really belong in your life – will come to you. And stay.” ~LH19
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