I'm going to go against the grain here, so take my advice with a grain of salt.
After reading your most recent interactions with your W, I would call her bluff and agree with her that D is probably best. Flip the script on her and make her feel like you are now the one leaving her. I'm not suggesting that you act like a jerk, quite the contrary. I would start acting like she has finally killed all your love for her, and that you are now happy and content to move forward in life without her.
Stop having sex with her, stop making her breakfast, stop accepting her invites to hang out. Be a great father, be civil with your W, validate her feelings, and then agree with her every time she mentions divorce. Start being mysterious, like you have finally had an epiphany that your life without her is going to be epic!
My point is that I don't think she really wants a divorce, she is doing everything in her power to convince herself though. She's constantly baiting you (great job not taking the bait btw) and insulting you. I think a man eventually has to command respect, because if your partner doesn't respect you, they can't love you.
Call her bluff. And if calling her bluff is the final straw, give her what she wants and let her go.
I'm going to go against the grain here, so take my advice with a grain of salt.
After reading your most recent interactions with your W, I would call her bluff and agree with her that D is probably best. Flip the script on her and make her feel like you are now the one leaving her. I'm not suggesting that you act like a jerk, quite the contrary. I would start acting like she has finally killed all your love for her, and that you are now happy and content to move forward in life without her.
Stop having sex with her, stop making her breakfast, stop accepting her invites to hang out. Be a great father, be civil with your W, validate her feelings, and then agree with her every time she mentions divorce. Start being mysterious, like you have finally had an epiphany that your life without her is going to be epic!
My point is that I don't think she really wants a divorce, she is doing everything in her power to convince herself though. She's constantly baiting you (great job not taking the bait btw) and insulting you. I think a man eventually has to command respect, because if your partner doesn't respect you, they can't love you.
Call her bluff. And if calling her bluff is the final straw, give her what she wants and let her go.
This is not against the grain, this IS the grain! Peter, see my response in Toughtimes thread. I would word it a bit different though. Peter, start moving your own life forward. She'll either like what she sees or she won't, but the sex, breakfast, and hanging out certainly are not working.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Actually, I would argue that the sex, breakfast and hanging out have given her pause - hence her hedging about maybe continuing to live together.
If this behavior is different from your previous behavior it can be a good thing. If previous you was aloof, then being more present is a 180. She seems to be protesting too much right now.
Sometimes, in a situation like this, a simple “I don’t want a divorce but I won’t stand in your way if that’s what you want” will suffice. If she asks you why you want the marriage, you can say “Because we loved each other once and I believe we could again”.
BUT - all that presupposes that you WANT to stay married to her. If you’ve realized you’re better off without her, then the approach is different.
This is not against the grain, this IS the grain! Peter, see my response in Toughtimes thread. I would word it a bit different though. Peter, start moving your own life forward. She'll either like what she sees or she won't, but the sex, breakfast, and hanging out certainly are not working.
Btw I was not preparing breakfast in a mushy romantic good morning sort of way . I woke up hungry, so I had to make a breakfast item anyway and I had already made up my mind to feed him breakfast. She does the same thing. As I said earlier, none of my house duties have gone away and neither has her habit of screaming at me that I don't do anything.
Actually, I would argue that the sex, breakfast and hanging out have given her pause - hence her hedging about maybe continuing to live together.
These resemble day-to-day MR activities of course and they may remind her of what life can be like and hence lead to a pause. This is a side-effect of our in-home situation though, as I am focused on me and my son right now. I am doing them as a head of the household should, but I have no expectations that they might make her stay. I am able to enjoy the present (this took some work) and I am happy that my son is enjoying that until it lasts. The things that I do around the house seem to be more visible to her now but that gets suspended when she lets her bitterness explode like yesterday.
Originally Posted by kml
If this behavior is different from your previous behavior it can be a good thing. If previous you was aloof, then being more present is a 180. She seems to be protesting too much right now.
I have never been aloof. I have been there for her emotionally for important things like her career, social/friends issues etc. Physically I do a lot around the house (although she denies this), my son's always-on therapist and everything else a super-present dad is expected to be (she accepts and denies per situation). What she does complain about is not being able to talk to me about mundane things because she would not know how I would take it. I used to be very irritable and that affected her a lot. What starts off as a mundane irritation would often lead to a fight after she reacts very negatively to my irritation. No control of emotions from both sides. My irritability has gone away completely now and I'm able to slow-mo my reactions.
Originally Posted by kml
“Because we loved each other once and I believe we could again”.
Good sentence. Another good sentence is what R2C pointed to - "Because I want you to be happy". They are genuine and simple.
Originally Posted by kml
BUT - all that presupposes that you WANT to stay married to her. If you’ve realized you’re better off without her, then the approach is different.
Do I want to stay married to her - yes, but I have recently been thinking of the other side too. Loving another woman and having her love me back and perhaps starting another family could be a great thing. But then again, keeping the current family together with genuine love would also be a great thing and that is why I am still in it. Is that even possible given her current mindset and behavior? I am quite doubtful. What I have no doubt over is that I have to prioritize myself and GAL and detach. These will help me in the future regardless of where this R leads.
But then again, keeping the current family together with genuine love would also be a great thing and that is why I am still in it. Is that even possible given her current mindset and behavior?
If she is currently having an affair then the answer is no. Also, she will need to lose the resentment and be able to forgive you. That usually takes time and space.
I think perhaps you should get some IC and really explore if you want to be with this person.
Sometimes, we feel like the marriage has worked in the past so surely it can work in the future. We want to keep our kids’ family together, and in that process of “validating”, we can fall into a trap of being unable to identify where the line in the sand is.
She’s being a b*tch because she wants you to leave her so it’s not her fault. It’s very simple, and common behaviour.
Two questions for you:
1. What would it take for you to go “I’ve had enough of this, I don’t want to be with this person”? Where is your line in the sand? What would she have to do/say/be for you to check out? This is an important question, because if your account is true, she is an abuser and I think you should be just about there.
2. Picture your best mate and his wife. Imagine he takes you out for beers and tells you his wife is doing this to him. What would you say?
These questions are important because they give you an external perspective on your situation.
Sometimes, people DB incredibly well - and their partner is still a garden variety arsehole.
You deserve better than this Peter.
In terms of your questions “how do I respond to xxxx”… I know you are doing IHS and you have a child, but you give her way too many opportunities. You need to reign in the opportunity for her to play her BS games. I know you can’t be away from your house 24/7, but try these things:
1. Avoid interaction with her as much as possible 2. Turn off social media 3. Turn your phone off if she’s text bombing you 4. Zero sex under all circumstances 5. Setup another bed in the house and tell her to move into a different room, DONT ASK. “You’ve made it clear you aren’t in love with me, I respect that, you sleep in the study now.” 6. No breakfast. No meals together. 7. You’re either out exercising/shopping/gym/walking, or you’re having 1 on 1 time with your son.
I get that you can’t stamp out 100% of interactions with IHS and without blocking her phone etc. But there’s way too many opportunities for you two to interact. You need to absolutely minimise every possible chance. “Tell me why you’re so happy. Tell me why we should be together.” - “I’m going for a run, bye!” and leave.
This is not against the grain, this IS the grain! Peter, see my response in Toughtimes thread. I would word it a bit different though. Peter, start moving your own life forward. She'll either like what she sees or she won't, but the sex, breakfast, and hanging out certainly are not working.
Btw I was not preparing breakfast in a mushy romantic good morning sort of way . I woke up hungry, so I had to make a breakfast item anyway and I had already made up my mind to feed him breakfast. She does the same thing. As I said earlier, none of my house duties have gone away and neither has her habit of screaming at me that I don't do anything.
Yes. There is also a sticky entitled something like "You will not die". That is another must read. LBSs think that the end of their marriage is the end of their life. It isn't.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
. I woke up hungry, so I had to make a breakfast item anyway and I had already made up my mind to feed him breakfast. She does the same thing. As I said earlier, none of my house duties have gone away and neither has her habit of screaming at me that I don't do anything.