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so I told her to excuse me from that discussion and that she was better off discussing with her support system.

Fn oath Peter!!!! This is Jedi-Master DBing. You da man!

The steps go: 1. Boundary broken, 2. Calmly exit, 3. GAL, 4. Zero fks.

I bet her head is spinning with doubt.

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How goes the last few days, Peter?

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Originally Posted by Kind18
How goes the last few days, Peter?

My apologies, I have been very busy with work and things at home have been sort of the same. She has continued to try to fight, and she's been cooking up opportunities to be mean. If you recall, I had been planning a GAL adventure without involving her. She got wind of it (saw my screens) and asked me when I am going. I gave a vague answer and a two-week window (it was the truth as I hadn't got the tickets). She was fine and then after I made my tickets, she again asked me if I made the tickets and if yes, the exact dates. I said yes and told her the dates. Unexpectedly she started fighting, telling me that she has plans - that came out of the blue. I calmly told her that I'll find a solution, but I can't change my plans. I proposed a reasonable solution, but she continued to be angry. I had to be a bit involved in this particular discussion as my son's care has to be properly planned out during that time. But I stayed calm and firm. And eventually she moved on and appeared to have accepted it.

Next morning, she again got mean over something and started saying the usual things about me being fake at this time and untrustworthy. I was working while she was shouting so I told her I was busy at work, and she needs to leave the room immediately.

She also said she wants a break from sex as she needs space. I was fine with it but today I got the feeling that she is trying to turn me on. I did not bite. Not sure if she is testing me (although I don't know what the test case is or the motivation behind her test) or she if just wants me to make a move on her as she is feeling horny. Strange behavior, nevertheless. I am not sure how to handle this. And yeah, as expected she said she is okay with me having sex with someone else while on the break. She pressed me on it and finally I responded saying "I won't have sex with someone else" and then exited. Should I have responded? If yes, how?

She has been planning some family activities for evenings and weekends. I go along (reminder that we are actually living like a family, coparenting, share all the housework etc). Towards the end of one such activity, which went quite well especially between my son and me, she suddenly dropped an absurd revision of a particular time of our lives. I did not respond and did not validate. Overall, I am still validating and empathizing wherever applicable, but I am not inclined to do that under blatant revisions (that includes lies about my actions) and especially not when I am having a good time with my son.

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PeterB Offline OP
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Originally Posted by Kind18
IMHO, you’re DBing like a boss - Coming here for advice first, not engaging, not arguing, extricating yourself from discussions etc.

Thanks for your kind words. DB'ing is making me feel light despite the possibility of my family falling apart and my son growing up without a traditional family and the pain he would have to go through.

Originally Posted by Kind18
... and wondering why she can’t push your buttons any more.

She is certainly not succeeding in pressing my buttons anymore. I used to be very easy to trigger. I recall telling her during many fights that she knew how to press my buttons. I used to wonder how easily she did it even though I would point out some of my trigger points and implore her not to press those. I can't believe I used to fall so easily. I should have been emotionally stronger.

Originally Posted by Kind18
Whatever you do, keep it up. No discussions. No talking about her affair. Don’t give a hint about what you’re thinking. No acknowledgment you know anything about an affair, nor show any care about anything she does. No relationship talks, no arguments, no anger, no shouting, just a smile no matter what and keep busy.

Great summary. Thanks.

Originally Posted by Kind18
Every time she tries to pin you down for something, have an excuse READY TO GO....
...ALWAYS have an exit strategy planned in advance.

A bit hard to preplan given our live-in and parenting situation. It a "pre-IHS" if I may call it that. But yeah, I should probably have a few just to be able to apply in some situations. "I have to work", "I need to sleep", "I need to go out to meet X", "I need to go to Home Depot / REI" are probably general enough.

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She also said she wants a break from sex as she needs space. I was fine with it but today I got the feeling that she is trying to turn me on. I did not bite. Not sure if she is testing me (although I don't know what the test case is or the motivation behind her test) or she if just wants me to make a move on her as she is feeling horny. Strange behavior, nevertheless. I am not sure how to handle this. And yeah, as expected she said she is okay with me having sex with someone else while on the break. She pressed me on it and finally I responded saying "I won't have sex with someone else" and then exited. Should I have responded? If yes, how?

Absolutely textbook behaviour. She wants to test if you push for sex so she will know she has you as her backup plan, and is trying to smoke you out by withholding sex. It’s also a test to see if your changes (lack of pandering to her and seemingly getting on with your life without her) are real or fake.

She’s wobbling big time, and this is a check that her old monkey branch is still going to be solid while she’s transferring weight to a new branch.

Your response was absolutely perfect. Made your position clear, but didn’t attempt to control or manipulate her behaviour or whatever she is choosing to do. “I’m not going to have sex with other people.” And leave.

You’re doing so, so well!

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Originally Posted by PeterB
Next morning, she again got mean over something and started saying the usual things about me being fake at this time and untrustworthy.
No need to respond to this behavior
Originally Posted by PeterB
I was working while she was shouting so I told her I was busy at work, and she needs to leave the room immediately.
Good job!
Originally Posted by PeterB
She also said she wants a break from sex as she needs space.
I would have preferred you to be the one to suggest it.
Originally Posted by PeterB
I was fine with it but today I got the feeling that she is trying to turn me on.
Probably
Originally Posted by PeterB
I did not bite. Not sure if she is testing me (although I don't know what the test case is or the motivation behind her test) or she if just wants me to make a move on her as she is feeling horny.
She wants to see if you are still attached
Originally Posted by PeterB
Strange behavior, nevertheless.

Not really it is pretty typical WW shenanigans
Originally Posted by PeterB
I am not sure how to handle this.
How so? She said no sex so you don't have sex
Originally Posted by PeterB
And yeah, as expected she said she is okay with me having sex with someone else while on the break.
Thanks for the permission WW
Originally Posted by PeterB
She pressed me on it and finally I responded saying "I won't have sex with someone else" and then exited. Should I have responded? If yes, how?
Truthfully I wouldn't have answered. You should have put a $hit eating grin on your face
Originally Posted by PeterB
She has been planning some family activities for evenings and weekends. I go along (reminder that we are actually living like a family, coparenting, share all the housework etc).

I would go on some and decline some and go out and GAL like a madman
Originally Posted by PeterB
Towards the end of one such activity, which went quite well especially between my son and me, she suddenly dropped an absurd revision of a particular time of our lives.
Yep
Originally Posted by PeterB
I did not respond and did not validate.
Good!
Originally Posted by PeterB
Overall, I am still validating and empathizing wherever applicable, but I am not inclined to do that under blatant revisions (that includes lies about my actions) and especially not when I am having a good time with my son.
Agreed!

Peter I think you have a chance to turn this around and I don't say that often. So much of this is timing and opportunity. The fact that OM lives far away doesn't give the monkey a very sturdy branch. You need to tighten up your game and GAL like a madman. You want to display to her that you will be just fine without her. If you can do that and stay consistent with no setbacks I think you have a punchers chance.

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My WW almost encouraged me to sleep with someone else. This is the WW mindset. "If I can get them to sleep with someone else then that will a) free me from my guilt b) free me from my marital vows c) give me an excuse for what I am doing d) let me know that I am making the right choice."

There have been LBSs that have fallen for this ploy, and then are shocked when the WS starts telling people that they are leaving because the LBS cheated on them. Happens all the time.


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Originally Posted by LH19
Peter I think you have a chance to turn this around and I don't say that often. So much of this is timing and opportunity. The fact that OM lives far away doesn't give the monkey a very sturdy branch. You need to tighten up your game and GAL like a madman. You want to display to her that you will be just fine without her. If you can do that and stay consistent with no setbacks I think you have a punchers chance.

I'm GAL'ing but unable to "GAL like a madman", because of responsibilities at home. Two points:

- It is unclear if she will feel my absence just by physical circumstances, as such circumstances are not there (such as staying in different households and LBS is not giving fks). I am preprogrammed to do a lot around the house and for my son and that is just me. Not doing anything or reducing it is not a 180 I'm comfortable with, and it would appear to be "more of the same" (in MWD's words) as she has always of complained that I don't do anything around the house. "I don't do anything" complaints must have reached absurd proportions in her mind leading up to BD (as she built up her case for D). And they were shocking at and after BD itself (during the inevitable discussions during and just after). I actually don't care anymore what she thinks if I continue all my responsibilities at home or even increase them. This is perhaps a form of detachment.

- Otoh it is clear that she will register that I will be just fine without her, as long as I GAL consistently and stay true to myself at the same time. I am doing new fun things that I never used to do before, staying positive at all times, staying focused on the goals as well as greatly enjoying the journey towards those goals etc.

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Originally Posted by SteveLW
My WW almost encouraged me to sleep with someone else. This is the WW mindset.

I'm glad you didn't bite although she got you close (if that's what you meant). Otherwise, you probably wouldn't have been piecing at this time.

The first time she told me that few months ago, I looked at her with a "are you crazy?" kinda look on my face. She responded with something like this - "I was so possessive about you. I used to be a jealous wife who would not want you to even look at other women. But now I don't care. Whatever!!! Just let me know when you do it and with who.".

Originally Posted by SteveLW
There have been LBSs that have fallen for this ploy, and then are shocked when the WS starts telling people that they are leaving because the LBS cheated on them. Happens all the time.

This is a crazy level of manipulation and table turning.

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This is a crazy level of manipulation and table turning.

Nope. It’s actually normal, repeated and consistent behaviour for waywards/walk-aways/MLCs.

You need to keep shifting your expectations. Expect the worst. Think of the dumbest, most outrageous possible scenario - and expect that.

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Peter I think you have a chance to turn this around and I don't say that often.

As you probably picked up LH19, I’m also getting that vibe.

Peter is DBing like a boss, and she’s wobbling big time.

But need to be consistent. Could easily be another 6-12 months before there’s any real signs.

Keep doing what you’re doing Peter. Calm, measured, GAL, avoid interactions at all costs, and make decisions for you and never for her. Always come here first.

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