No such luck

[DonH]

I am drowning financially.

You’ve made and we’ve all seen this type of comment from you before. We’ve talked about it. But you say there is just nothing you can cut $$$ from. You never do anything, rarely spend money. Yet in less than a week…

AFTER CONCUSSION DIAGNOSIS: I pick her up to take her to the mall…

FROM A SEPARATE DAY: I’m proud of her. We ended up having a nice long day together at the mall. Expensive for me,

YET ANOTHER DAY: We then did some more shopping and spent my money. Shocking, lol.

AND FROM THIS WEEKEND: I took D and her friend to the city today to do an escape room. We had a good time and o am broke, lol.

ALSO FROM THIS WEEKEND: Then I had bought 2 tickets to a fundraiser dinner for my cousins son”s travel baseball team. I had bought one for the Texan. Bye bye $85!

I point these out not to be mean, not to toss it at you but to hopefully get you to realize that while yes, you live in an expensive area, at least part of you being “broke” is your spending habits and decision making. You just don’t seem to see it. Yet we do. You are broke in part because of the above - not because of where you live. If you move and continue to spend without a budget or at least without following the budget you may have, you will still be broke.

Might it be the same with the wash rinse repeat dating? You don’t see the patterns that others do? But sticking with $$$ multiple repeat trips to the mall, escape rooms, water park stays, Uber Eats, high priced fund raisers, Starbucks, and revolving credit card balances, are not likely any part of any budget that will get you out of debt.

Like dieting, exercise, and most things in life, including dating, finances and budgeting take routine and regular discipline and a solid plan to follow and not waiver from.

Just an observation.

[Ginger1]

Thank you for the input Don. Seriously, I’m not a spender. My kid needs clothes for the summer. So I got her some.

And yes, i wanted to do something special for her and her friend. Her friend is watching my dog for me, so I spent a few bucks. Most certainly not a regular occurrence. I don’t vacation, I cook most meals. I take advantage of all the free lunches and dinners provided by my job and that is my social life.

I pay for my gym. That’s my personal splurge. I used gift cards for myself at the mall. It is absolutely the area I live in . Trust me on this. I have a few extras in my life that I spend mo eh on sometimes, but not spending it wouldn’t make my financial situation that much better . And I don’t want to live like I don’t make any money. Unless somehow that would totally make me financially secure, but it won’t, because I have a pretty tight hold on my spending with some exceptions as these. I’m pretty cheap, actually.

[DejaVu6]

Really, really sorry to hear things didn’t work out with Texan G. Like Mach, I was hoping the radio silence was because you were having too much fun to log in and tell us about it. I get what you meant about wanting to weigh it out in your own head before getting the group consensus. Listening to your description of Texan, he reminds me very much of TDH (minus the jealousy and gambling). I, like you, was extremely hopeful in the beginning until I realized the extent of his drinking and then the lying about his drinking. He was also living his life in a very irresponsible way and seemed quite deluded when it came to the reality of his situation. Also like you… as soon as I made the decision to end it, I was really, really relieved.

I also wanted to say that I feel a particular kinship with you because I think we are similar people in terms of the men we are attracted to. I don’t think I was like that in my early life but a bit more so after my first divorce and now that I’ve had my second, this is a definite concern for me. I’ve realized that I feel safer with guys who my friends and family think aren’t worthy of me. I don’t know if that is true or not but this is just their observations from the outside looking in. I don’t think of myself as being superior to anyone but I do get what they are saying. When I really think about it, I think that if we end up dating people who we think may consider us to be a “step up”, it may be because it feels safer to us and less likely we will be left or broken up with in the dramatic way that both of us were. I’m not sure either of us have really come to terms with what a number that does on the self esteem. I realized recently that I have a habit of swiping left on guys who have “liked” me that I deem to be too good looking, too successful, too much younger than me (anyone with more than a six year age difference), too fit, etc…. If I am really honest with myself, I don’t do this because I think I won’t like them. I do this because I think they won’t like me…at least not longterm. So rather than open myself up to that kind of rejection, I just avoid it altogether. I wasn’t like that before. When I met XH online, I dated a few guys that I would swipe left on today for those reasons. But 54 year-old me doesn’t have the confidence that 36 year-old me did and that isn’t solely because I am older now.

Anyway…don’t want to hijack your thread by talking about my psychological issues…lol. I just wanted to send you a long distance hug and tell you that you are not alone. I still believe the right guy for you will come along one day. Probably when you least expect it. (((HUGS)))

[BL42]

My daughter tells me that her father is leaving for a 6 day dolor vacation to island of at Maarten next Sunday. Im my head a secretly raged because he cries of poverty when he can do this along with another trip following and then another trip and after they got back from SF in April boils my blood. I am drowning financially, my daughter comes to me for everything and I don’t even know what a vacation is .

Your post-D financial situation is simply not fair. It'd boil my blood as well. You have majority of custody yet ExH pays a pittance in child support? I care for my kids more than ExW yet I pay her mortgage! Your ExH should help his daughter more financially...especially if he can swing multiple vacations like that.

But then. I thought. Is he having an affair ? A 6 day solo vacay to a tropical island ? Something seems fishy. And I wouldn’t put it past him for a second

But unless it’s a guys trip, seems that he wouldn’t be doing it alone. Trust your gut on that one!

Yeah - he's essentially told you in the past that he would be happy having you as a side-chick. As the old joke goes - the man who marries his mistress creates a job opening.

Solo vacation? Unless he’s going fishing with his guy friends - then he’s having an affair. Is it really solo, or with friends but not his wife?

Honestly. I thjng he is cheating. No friends are going with him. He hates fishing. And when I asked him what concert he is going to this Friday, he never answered me . I also think she knows he’s cheating . But won’t say anything. Don’t ask, don’t tell, Turn a blind eye. M

I know you've commented in the past you hope he isn't cheat / break up with OW for the sake of D14's stability, but is it alright if I secretly hope for it for you? That would be great validation for you and the karma he & OW deserve ;-)

I realized recently that I have a habit of swiping left on guys who have “liked” me that I deem to be too good looking, too successful, too much younger than me (anyone with more than a six year age difference), too fit, etc…. If I am really honest with myself, I don’t do this because I think I won’t like them. I do this because I think they won’t like me…at least not longterm. So rather than open myself up to that kind of rejection, I just avoid it altogether.

So people are swiping left on profiles which aren't good enough and ones which are too good? Basically, none of us have a chance! LOL

[LH19]

I know you've commented in the past you hope he isn't cheat / break up with OW for the sake of D14's stability, but is it alright if I secretly hope for it for you? That would be great validation for you and the karma he & OW deserve ;-)

What kind of validation would Ginger get? She knows she's better off w/o exh. She knows she is better than OW. Daughter has to go through another busted family. Karma for exh? He has an exw he gets along great with, a wife at home to split the bills and a side piece to go to the islands with on vacation. Maybe karma for OW but she too will learn she is better of w/o exh.

I realized recently that I have a habit of swiping left on guys who have “liked” me that I deem to be too good looking, too successful, too much younger than me (anyone with more than a six year age difference), too fit, etc…. If I am really honest with myself, I don’t do this because I think I won’t like them. I do this because I think they won’t like me…at least not longterm. So rather than open myself up to that kind of rejection, I just avoid it altogether.

Well now I understand a little better why Vu swipes right on 1 of 200.

[kml]

I realized recently that I have a habit of swiping left on guys who have “liked” me that I deem to be too good looking, too successful, too much younger than me (anyone with more than a six year age difference), too fit, etc…. If I am really honest with myself, I don’t do this because I think I won’t like them. I do this because I think they won’t like me…at least not longterm. So rather than open myself up to that kind of rejection, I just avoid it altogether.

Hmmmm. I'll admit that sometimes if it looks too good to be true - it isn't true. A model handsome guy with lots of money? Usually a Nigerian scammer.

Still - if you're just swiping left on people who are real just because you think you don't deserve them, you may be doing yourself a disservice. You have a lot to offer. (My best friend avoids the pretty guys too though because she's afraid they'll cheat. Not really my experience with the handsome guys I've dated since my divorce - they were no better nor worse in that regard than other men. )

As for the younger guys - it's an issue at your age. Not so much age but their stage of life. I mean, a guy who is ten years younger than you but has a ten year old kid - could be a great fit. A guy who is ten years younger, hasn't had kids and wants them in the future - not so much.

I did find that in my 50's the age differences didn't matter so much - although I did avoid guys with small children, only because I didn't want to revisit that phase of life. (One exception was Mr Big Lots, who still had one daughter in grade school, but she lived 90 minutes away and he only had her every other weekend so I didn't ever meet her in the short time we dated.)

[Ginger1]

Deja! I’m happy you stopped by! I can relate to or of what you said and your friends observations. I am also guilty of swiping left on guys that I think would never have interest in me. I do think I might “date down” which means I probably am
Not there yet with my view of my own self worth. Maybe these guys are a safe spot for me? Although clearly not. I honestly couldn’t imagine a nice good looking well adjusted guy wanting to be with me. Or someone a step “above “ me, so I don’t even bother .
It’s something to dig deeper into for sure. And I know I am “only” 42 .but I’m my thirties when I was younger, thinner, prettier , and still ready to bare some more
Children, I didn’t find a partner. Now? I’m just out of child bearing/ wanting age and 20 lbs heavier. Atleast is till have good skin . My confidence has gone down a bit in some ways and up in others

BL:
As far as my ex and his affair. While I would love to see it fall apart so his wife could get a taste of her own medicine , the truth is, LH is right. I don’t want my daughter to have to go through it. And my ex always comes out on top. He does have it made for sure. He never suffers. If anything, I kind of wish she would cheat on him . But the best I guess is her worrying her a$$ off. Knowing it’s happening but won’t do anything about it. Stay together, but keep that awful gut feeling I lived with

So, guys from my past have been coming out of the woodwork. One that I really did like texted me today . The guy with a 6 and 3 year old. I liked him the most although we are in very different places on our lives. Best kisser ever. Such a good time together . But he has a whole lot on his plate. We are going out next week . It’ll be nice to catch up. I know we will
Never go anywhere, but he’s a good time. And did I mention an incredible kisser? Lol. We had had incredible chemistry. Maybe I can learn how to just enjoy that for a little with no expectations. We will see.

I took a 20 mi. Bike ride withu dad and his wife yesterday on the boardwalk along the ocean . The weather was perfect. Then w shot the beach for a bit. I am quite burnt. But it was great. Went to fun tonight, free dinner tomorrow at high end steakhouse. And drinks for a colleagues birthday. She is divorced, still really angry about it, and kind of a recluse . So we are getting her out for her birthday .

All good stuff

[Ginger1]

I’m going to speak to what Deja said.

I had a work tonight hosted by one of our rehabs. Fancy steakhouse. Just a few of us . The guy who was hosting sat across from Me. Super cute. Out of my league. And 35. Found out he is going to see this and that is not mainstream but my ex M got me into this weekend. We got excited and he told me I should come.
He also broke up with his GF of 5 months 2 weeks ago and that was her gift, the hotel room anyways, but she didn’t like them
So they weren’t going to go together, but now they are . We all pressed him with info. My one friend to hook me up. We did exchange numbers. But upon our womanly inquisition , we found it if curse he want kids . But see! Outside of the box! Not OLD! But way too cute and young for me

But yes, I am older. And his ex GF is probably hotter. I wouldn’t even entertain it. Bit it was fun anyways

Had a last minute inpromptu date after with the other mark . We were having a great time
But his son is sick with covid and his ex had him take him to my hospital . So date was cut short .but he’s still cute as heck. Attraction there . He’s been in touch with while his kid has been on the ER.

Yea, the Texan still is trying to get with me. But I can’t do it.
Too much drama. Don’t want to be on the roller coaster

[BL42]

Ginger1,

Did you have some wine tonight at this fancy steakhouse? Not sure I completely followed that update! lol

One that I really did like texted me today . The guy with a 6 and 3 year old. I liked him the most although we are in very different places on our lives.

I'll cast my vote for this guy - nothing wrong with a guy having a 6 and 3 yo! ;-)

The guy who was hosting sat across from Me. Super cute. Out of my league. And 35...But way too cute and young for me

You're early 40s. Why is 35 too young?

I am also guilty of swiping left on guys that I think would never have interest in me. I do think I might “date down” which means I probably am
Not there yet with my view of my own self worth. Maybe these guys are a safe spot for me? Although clearly not. I honestly couldn’t imagine a nice good looking well adjusted guy wanting to be with me. Or someone a step “above “ me, so I don’t even bother .

So this is something to explore with IC. Obviously don't know you and DejaVu6 in real life, but you two shouldn't be swiping left on quality guys because you don't feel worthy. You can't imagine a well-adjusted guy wanting to be with you? Time to work on that confidence and self-worth.

Yea, the Texan still is trying to get with me. But I can’t do it.
Too much drama. Don’t want to be on the roller coaster

Drop the Texan completely. No contact.

[Ginger1]

One glass wine of wine, one beer. I’m all good. It’s my phone .

This guy with the young kids is super cool. He’s the one i always thought of and had no hard feelings about . I thought about him often and I was happy when he reappeared .

Yea, a hotter, hinged guy who still wants kids is not a good fit. I should have better self esteem . Bit my shop is definitely closed .