So, I'm not exactly new here, I was on this site three years ago. I successfully dbed and pieced. We even had a third child. About 9 months ago things started to slip and we agreed to go to couples counselling. At that time I had already been in IC for years and felt I had been making good progress on what was Childhood Emotional Neglect. I started to understand my feelings more, and said to my W that what I want is missing, deeper connection and mutual respect. She always says she just wants more physical touch and affection.
Couples counselling has been great, a very switched on provocative and emotionally draining therapist. She got us to understand attachment and the avoidant (me), anxious (W) trap. It was an eye opener, it explained our sitch and my previous relationships. When I further delved into it at the attachment project (which I highly recommend), I was blown away by the accuracy of behaviours and feelings. I looked back at previous events in my life under this lense of avoidant attachment, and it explained so much. It shed light in events where I blamed SO when it was more about my distorted reality and negative emotional reactions.
So my original DB wasn't enough, more work needed by me, and it didn't fix things, but it lead me address depression and be more aware of my emotions.
Which leads me to now. Two weeks away for another intense couples therapy, I start to get disrespect, anger and gas lighting from W. When I enforced boundaries to stop, more anger, and then BD.
Along the lines of I've not had sex for too long, I'm leaving, we need to sell the house. But I reminded her that it will come after our relationship gets a better connection and more respect. W wasn't listening.
Now, I'm better at this now. No anxiety, no panicky reaction, and, of course, validation. She still has to point out that last time we separated, I was unreasonable. What happened was I simply reminded her that her expectation of separation doesn't match reality. In this case her suggestion to sell, or develop our house into a duplex was surprisingly fair. She also went to great lengths to exoress that I'm her best friend, in the friend zone.
In any event, I'm still emotionally messed up on the inside, finding it hard to keep a brave face. I'm pretty convinced she's serious this time as I accidentally saw her calendar (we share on our phones), and saw a detailed plan in her calendar of dates for moving into her parents, how she wants to not develop our house, but sell, how I'm to stay in the house with our son during weekdays, date when to ask for child support and how much, and even the date with her therapist to discuss her anxiety that ill drag things out with her therapist. I feel bad for reading all this, but I couldn't help myself.
However, despite BD, we're fairly back to normal. Still sleep in the same bed, doing family things, she makes a point to wear her wedding band out in public, but off all other times. In fact we went to a wedding yesterday, and in all respects we acted like a happy couple, other then no kissing.
Now as an anxious person, I know the minute she thinks of something, everything gets planned, then when the intensity wears off, they get dropped. But this seems different.
I know I need to focus on me, GAL and IC. And I still do. I've lost 30 pounds, and working in IC on self esteem and secure attachment.
After this ramble, should I DB? How would it work, she's not WAW quite yet. I am in the process of improving connection with not bottling things up, asking for help, calling out behaviour, more boundary setting, more compliments. No issues so far, but now I'm afraid of looking needy.
I wanted to sit down and tell her my feelings that I understand her BD but also disappointed because we are doing IC. I wanted to suggest we take things slow, but given she has anxiety about me "delaying" I'm not so sure. I've been sharing what happens in IC, but should I now that I've been demoted into the friend zone?
There is a part of me that feels she's probably doing me a favour. I've not seem real change on her behaviour, and rejection in what I said is required to be more close. I think about what separation will look like, and although I'll loose out on some time with my toddler daughter, the idea of space and eventually a new partner is compelling. But the other side of me sees more I can do to overcome avoidant attachment and maybe to the point to better manage anxious W.
I guess I have to admit, I'm probably too attached to my sitch and wish I could get the sort of deep connection with W that I desire.
Sorry your back here but unfortunately this is quite common for quick turnarounds. Typically those are just a stay of execution. You probably already know but having another baby while piecing was a really bad idea. I scanned through your thread and cringed when I read it. Your W’s statement that you make her “physically ill” speaks volumes. My advice to you which will probably not be popular is to GAL like a made man, get in the best shape of your life and when she drops the bomb again you agree with it. You tell her you are in full agreement with it and you wish her well and you go in the complete opposite direction. A 40 something year old with a toddler and two other young kids will not be a hot commodity on the dating market. It will take some time but eventually she will more than likely realize what she left behind. If she doesn’t you won’t care anyways because you will be living your best life.
Reading this last post, I’d have imagined some happy reconciliation period, but when I read your post from 2 years ago you weren’t able to perform due to “bedroom issues” and she’s complaining she’s sex starved and wants an open marriage. I have a hard time imagining any male “bedroom issue” preventing giving my partner an O. Can you clarify? Most of us are adults with kids—we’ve had sex before! We’re not ashamed. It seems like after a third child you’re not sleeping with her because you don’t feel close enough. I get needing to feel safe. How long ago was the last 3 times you two had sex to an O for her? It seems lie sex is a core aspect of your sitch so I’d like to understand better.
I am going to disagree with LH about a 40 year-old man or woman having any trouble in the modern dating world—assuming they’ve worked through their baggage.
Yes, us anxious types can be fast to extrapolate a small problem into a big problem. Does this feel like she’s making a mountain out of a mole hill or the last 5yrs have been mostly bad? When was the last time you both were truly happy together and how long did it last?
What prevents you from leaving to find a more compatible partner give your rocky history?
But there are two things that worry me. The first is the sex. It was an issue before BD and now it is a bit of a different issue. Call it performance anxiety. I see it as, well, it's been like 9 months so I'm out of practice.
Originally Posted by "Josh, 2.33yrs ago"
Also, keep in mind that sex has been problematic for me this last month. It doesn't bother me that much as it happens to everyone. I attribute it to the fact that it has been almost a year of inactivity and now we are into it almost weekly. She raises this as a concern. I reassure her and say that really, orgasm is really our own responsibility, there is a lot of change and it will pass.
Josh, I just read years of her frustration about poor quality or quantity of sex. I hear your reasons--out-of-practice, performance anxiety, not feeling close enough, etc. I don't see consistent low quality and low quantity sex as consistent with a satisfying long-term relationship. I agree with AnotherStander and Sandi core issues went unaddressed in your R, that it was only a half-hearted R.
Are you comfortable talking about sex with her? I hear you that "O is really our own responsibility." She owns that. She told you she's not satisfied. She's proposed solutions you don't like. She's doubtless getting those O's by herself in her bedroom. She's now ready to move on in part because she wants a partner she can have good sex with on a weekly basis. She's owning her O.
I'm baffled you say "This is normal" (to have poor sex after a 9mo break when you've only been intimate again for a month) and "This too shall pass" (when she complains). There are pharmaceutics, devices, and techniques that can delay or speed up our experiences. There are tools like "Sex With Emily's" checklist of "Yes, No, Maybe" to find common ground to explore sexuality. There are training website and sex therapists. Sex is big for her. Why isn't it a priority for you?
I’m sitting on my patio having a few drinks (sorry Steve) and this thread has got me really angry. This guy makes all these changes and is committed to improving and she wants a D because he has some preformed issues. To boot they bring another kid into it. Can you see how insane the concept of marriage is these days?
Traveler since I believe 55% of guys over 40 have equipment issues I would argue it’s higher for single guys. Most guys who can satisfy will not want anything to do with a toddler. That leaves the pool at about 20%. Good luck with that!
A 40 something year old with a toddler and two other young kids will not be a hot commodity on the dating market. It will take some time but eventually she will more than likely realize what she left behind.
This is might provide some solace in the moment, but is it true? How many stories on here did the WAS/WS walk right into a LTR. My ExW has been living with OM2 for a year and a half now, living in a house my ExW bought across the street from his sister, one big happy family, and I have to smile and listen as my young daughter uses his pet name. DnJ's ExW 4-5 years. Ginger1's ExH 14. Just to name a few. My daughter was barely a toddler and Ginger's an infant at the time and it didn't stop OM2 or OW. Guess I'm using Tosh_T's thread to vent a bit, but it really does seem like the WAS/WS fall backward into what they want whereas the LBS is left in the lurch. Yeah, I know "life's not fair move on" and all but it certainly seems sometimes all the good luck goes to the WAS/WS.
Originally Posted by LH19
this thread has got me really angry.
I share your anger. All these sitches are awful.
Originally Posted by LH19
Can you see how insane the concept of marriage is these days?
It's hard sometimes having gone through what we did to see the point of marriage. There really is no guaranteed commitment.
Last edited by BL42; 04/24/2211:23 PM.
Me:39 Ex-W:37 M:7 T: 9 S:6 D:3 BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20 OM1 affair ends: May '20 W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20 W files for D: Jul20 OM2 confirmed: 9/2020 Divorced: May '21
I agree with LH on both fronts. GAL like a mad man, move on, and never look back. It certainly can cause your ex to reconsider whether she made the right choice.
As for seeking another relationship, embrace your freedom. With time, your desire to be in another relationship will fade. It might even disappear entirely.
You need to GAL like a mad man and smash the gym HEAVILY. Stop trying to please her, it’s a waste of time.
And when she drops the bomb, without an ounce of hesitation say “I respect your decision” and walk completely in the other direction. Don’t do it half-heartedly or in the hope she’ll crumble, do it with complete authority and arrogance.
That’s the only chance you have at this point, and even if it doesn’t work out (which 90% it won’t) at least you made a good start in the right direction with your new life.
I’ve read somewhere that the most successful approach is actually to run in the opposite direction with a coldness that defies logic.
The day she BDs you, kick her stuff out the bedroom, block her on socials, tell her she has 48 hours to leave the house, tell her that you’re having 50% custody of the kids, and that you’ll forward your lawyer’s details as soon as possible.
For a second bomb day, that’s pretty much your only option.
