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I'd like to lend aid to newcomers and lurkers. I was not ready just a little while ago, however I think generalized advice will help while vets better handle the situational advice.

Mods, I have two concurrent threads, the other in a different category. If this is a no go, I'll delete the other which serves for venting and support but really its boring and I'm talking to myself there.

My bias: I am divorced, not interested in remarrying. I believe marriage is something great and divorce was a last resort for me. I don't intend to push others towards D as that is not my intention nor what the forum is for. I hold biblical values but like all, dont always exemplify them.

My goal: There is a crabs in a bucket theory. If you put a bunch of crabs in a bucket, if they worked together, they could climb out. Instead, any time a crab is close to getting out, the crabs at the bottom pull them back in. I don't intend to pull others down. My intention with posts in this thread is to pull others up away from bottom. There are many in the world trying to hold you down, so you suffer with them. They want you on their level. Instead, rise up. Lead. Persevere.

Resources: Plenty of threads with these. Read Divorce Remedy or Divorce Busting. Michele's books in general. Counseling from a good counselor. Exercise, especially heavy lifting, martial arts, boxing for men. Spiritual - find a good church, meditate. Emotional - come to the board. For men, Alexander Grace on YT gives good advice on female nature and mens self improvement. Eat healthier. Connect with friends and family. Learn about abuse and manipulation.

Lurker advice - signing up is really easy and the forums are pretty light here. The likelyhood of being caught posting is slim.

There is hope in fixing your sitch, but the best hope is for you, to fix you and come out of this better. You control yourself and yourself alone. Put your time, control and efforts in to yourself, so that you can navigate your tumultuous journey better. On a plane going down, one must put on their own oxygen masks before they should help others. Even over their own children. Similarly, get yourself in order to better guide yourself, your children or others through troubled and peaceful times.

Last edited by Core; 04/04/22 12:47 AM.

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Originally Posted by Core
I'd like to lend aid to newcomers and lurkers. I was not ready just a little while ago, however I think generalized advice will help.
That is how I started my "quotes threads". Anything that appeared to be "high quality general advise" I would grab and put a link to the source.

We have no idea how many "Crabs" we help,but I am sure there have been some in the past and many more in the future that read the wise words here without any of us knowing the effects they have.

I heard this recently (Forget the source):
"Planting a tree now gives shade to people in the future"


"What is best for my kids is best for me"
Amor Fati
Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
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Originally Posted by Core
Mods, I have two concurrent threads, the other in a different category.
In this case for generalized advise - I have no problem having more than one thread.

Lets see where this goes.


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R2C, Your quote threads were gold and extremely helpful. Memories of it probably fed in to me wanting to do something generalized as well.

I don't post a lot so others, feel free to make use of the thread as well.


Why?

That one word drives many here. Most of us come here after one of these events, "I love you but I'm not in love with you", "I want a divorce", or the hardest, an affair of the mind or body is found. We ask....why?

It is futile to ask however we keep doing it. Many newcomers will ask in one shape or form, often many times. We all did. We all do. We all will.

Direct and to the point....in many ways it's a useless question. Why you are asking the question is whats more important. You're hurt. You're reeling in pain. You're suffering. Maybe the answer will end the pain or as human nature often goes, you feel you NEED to know why, so the pain doesn't happen again. You may think...if you know some of the why, maybe you'll never have to feel these awful feelings again.

The real why's are many, situational and may be almost unbearable to hear the answer even if you knew it early in your situation. The easy answers are that people are broken, often men stay the same and women change - often to the dismay of the other, something broke down in the marriage, communication went south, and the list goes on.

Even knowing this, we'll still ask why. It is part of the grieving process. It is a loss, rejection, disappointment, anxiety that you are feeling. Many will often ask their WAW or WW spouse, "why". You can be almost certain the answer will be as gaslighting as they come. You will regret asking why, be left confused, and likely worse off than before. They likely don't have all the answers as it is as they would be required to self reflect and that's not happening, at least not early on.

"Why" is better left unanswered and whats important as stated earlier is why you are asking "why".
So what can you do to avoid the pain in the future and help in the present? DB and DR books and the forums mention options that help. Enact 180s on your flaws, exercise, eat better, GAL, become more masculine or more feminine within reason, read recommended self help books, get a Church or read the Bible, grow yourself, learn about validation, manipulation, abuse. You'll be a better person than you started and maybe you'll never feel those feelings again. Maybe you won't ask why again. Maybe you'll recover and piece the marriage together, maybe no matter what you do in bettering yourself the relationship ends. You still invested in something with a guaranteed return. Yourself. Your spirit.


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Feelings.

Much of life is about feelings. Even the most logical of us. Not just with women but with men as well. While dealing with yourself and your WW or WAW spouse, it may help to look at things through a lens of feeling. Even common interactions with friends or strangers, are centered around how one feels when you look at the root.

Friend calls to see what you're up to, aka calling to see how you're feeling.

Coworker finds you in the breakroom and tells you they fixed a broken vehicle. They are likely relaying how good they feel about fixing it.

Parent calls to tell you they are retiring. Maybe they are calling to share how they feel about retiring.

We do this too. Why do you like your favorite hobbies. When you cut down to it, its how it makes you feel. Why you eat what you do, healthy or not, is about how it makes you feel. You are here because of how you feel. You were sent here because of how your WW or WAW feels. Your spouse is on emotional overdrive and as we can see, much of life is about emotion and feelings. Its what makes us....feel alive. Makes us human. Feelings can't be fixed, just worked through. Work on your own in the difficult times. You cannot fix theirs. If they are coming to you to reconcile then of course you can listen, relate, validate, empathize and understand.

Many problems in this world are about how people are feeling and if they are feeling unheard or invalidated. This seems like common sense but sometimes we will forget what others are feeling when we are going through our own troubles. Sometimes if you add the phrase, "I feel like" to what an especially emotional person is saying, then you quickly know what they are dealing with and you can connect with them.

Thats crazy.....I feel like thats crazy.
School is dumb.....I feel like school is dumb.

These moments however small connect us. Your WAW or WW may be severing these connections with you and invalidating or rejecting yours. That is why it is often best to find connection in friends and family, or a good IC. Even the toughest of us, less psychos and socios, need some connection.


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Originally Posted by Core
Feelings.

Two good posts about Feelings that were posted by Coach who reconciled with his wife Greek,
who also posted here. Also the second posted by Puppy who also reconciled with his wife
Value in Thinking vs Feelings while DB'ing

Go by your Values not by your Feelings

Last edited by Cadet; 04/06/22 12:21 PM.

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Originally Posted by Cadet
Coach who reconciled with his wife Greek....Puppy who also reconciled with his wife
They both were DBing ninja's.


Edit - Absolutely!! - Cadet

Last edited by Cadet; 04/07/22 08:40 PM. Reason: comment

"What is best for my kids is best for me"
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Thank you for doing this thread! Wow it’s mind blowing how so many people come here to understand, connect and grow themselves! Ty

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Originally Posted by Core
That is why it is often best to find connection in friends and family, or a good IC. Even the toughest of us, less psychos and socios, need some connection.

I would change the "or" to an "and".

"That is why it is often best to find connection in friends and family, and good IC."

I am moving, as we see more situations here, to a stance of "IC is a requirement". I have often said that the LBSs that struggle the most, do GAL the least. Well I need to add to that.

LBSs that struggle the most do GAL the least, and refuse to get into IC.

Last edited by SteveLW; 04/07/22 11:49 AM.

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