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LH19,
Originally Posted by LH19
Originally Posted by BL42
It is absolutely frustrating to see immoral behaviors modeled and poor values enabled.
Yo B come on now other than the "wasted banana" I think Scotty is over doing it.
I don't know. I wouldn't want my 13yo wearing shirts with beer, pot, or condoms on them, or gifted a manscaping trimmer. Overall the loss of control of the morals and values for your kids is a tough pill to swallow. But, like so much, it's something we have to let go.

Originally Posted by LH19
Originally Posted by BL42
To some extent it's a parenting struggle even while in a marriage with trust and mutual respect, but the problems are certainly magnified in divorce where the children can "divide and conquer".
Scotty B was married to this woman for 20 years and was fine wither her moral fiber than. Do you think it changed that much?
That I can't answer. My kids were 4 & 1 when ExW left, so I didn't see much about her character or values as a mother, but we did disagree on nutrition and screen time. Doesn't seem like my ExW turned on a dime parenting-wise. If ScottB has 20 years together / 14 as mother, he'd know the difference.

SteveLW,
Originally Posted by SteveLW
Scott, I have no answers for you. But I empathize with you. Our kids grow up so fast and are sexualized younger and younger these days. I am with you on the old-fashioned front....and there ain't anything wrong with being old-fashioned!
Agreed. Maybe I'm too old-fashioned even at my relatively "young" age.

Originally Posted by SteveLW
Unfortunately, again, I think it is out of your control. Likely she is feeling guilty at ruining the kids lives (not really true but many WASs end up with that guilt), and now she is trying to be buddies with them.
Yep. You would not believe the number of stuffed animals my ExW has bought for the kids in the last two years. It's past the point of ridiculousness where we literally have moving boxes of them in the basement. My guess is there's some guilt over the kids situation behind those purchases. Analogous to the "cool" alcohol/pot/condom shirts - being a friend and assuaging guilt vs. hard parental stand.

Originally Posted by SteveLW
I am guess your email went (or will) go over like a lead balloon. You made your position known, but I highly doubt she will honor your wishes. Maybe you will be pleasantly surprised. Likely she will use it as a way to drive a wedge and make herself look better.
I agree the email will likely go over like a lead balloon but also don't think it's wrong to send - if you're standing up for what you believe is right for your children I think it's fair as a father to weigh in, just know you ultimately can't control it.

Last edited by BL42; 06/21/22 04:37 PM.

Me:39 Ex-W:37
M:7 T: 9
S:6 D:3
BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20
OM1 affair ends: May '20
W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20
W files for D: Jul20
OM2 confirmed: 9/2020
Divorced: May '21
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Originally Posted by SteveLW
I am with you on the old-fashioned front....and there ain't anything wrong with being old-fashioned!
IMO you really better be careful with "old-fashioned" mantra because your kids will rebel at some point. You don't believe me the band Def Leppard wrote in their memoirs that the ladies in Salt Lake City were the best to bring back stage.
Originally Posted by SteveLW
I mean, these are not decisions a mother would normally make for her son. In fact, in most cases it is the dad doing things like this and the mom being upset by it.
This sounds sexist to me in so many different ways.
Originally Posted by SteveLW
So clearly her judgement is being skewed by her desire to be liked, rather than be a respected parent.
Or maybe she doesn't think a carona T-shirt, spleefed banana underwear and a pube trimmer are that big of a deal.
Originally Posted by SteveLW
Maybe ask your son not to wear the corona shirt in your presence and when he is with you (during your custody).
Or instead of trying to shame him, use it as an opportunity to have a discussion with him about alcohol and the dangers of drinking and driving etc.


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I have a 14 year old daughter, almost 15. Due to her father’s side of the family’s genes, my daughter has been hairy since a young age. She has felt comfortable coming to me to properly groom and trim and I made sure she did that without shame. It makes her feel better and more comfortable and it’s not for anyone else.

Is it possible your son asked for that trimmer from his mom ? And that he went to her rather than You because your reaction would be “you don’t need it and no one is seeing anything down there anyways” and he might feel a bit shamed?

My ex and I have different ideas on certain things my daughter can wear. We both have rules and boundaries. And his can be kind of ridiculous sometimes ) daughter wanted a shirt that tied on the back but covered her whole front. I allowed it and she wears it with me . Not her dad because he said no.

Strange underwear for sure. But luckily they are “under” clothes. I don’t think anything is immoral here, just a little different .

How is your sons behavior ? That’s the biggest thing to focus on. Are his grades good? Does he drink, so drugs, stay out late, lie , treat women poorly? Is he a good kid? Are his friends good kids?

That’s what I focus on, anyways

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My son is pushing his limits on a regular basis. I asked him about the pube trimmer. He said him, my daughter, and my Ex were watching shark tank when it came on and he made a joke that he wanted it. He said he was surprised that mom got it for him. In isolation I can take one thing she does and justify it, but when I add it all up it begins to be a lot. Anyhow, I've moved on from that for now and I would say there is a current peace with the ex.

All our accounts have been split except for one old pension that I'm not going to deal with (I worked to split all the accounts and she did not help at all). Her attorney was supposed to provide the QDRO for the pension and hasn't.

I've got all the payments for child support, spousal support, and a loan I owe her set up to be automated - so though I'm aware of all of it, I'm not actually paying them actively.

I'm still angry about all of it, even though I think I'm happier, freer, and have better relationships with the kids. I've done a lot of work over the past two years on connecting with my feelings and though I'd like to move past it (and I continue to work on it), I just feel angry. I assume that will continue for some time.

Things are just harder being divorced - not having a division of labor.

Other than that, I continue to enjoy my freedom. I took the kids on a vacation to Bermuda, which was a lot of fun. And I have some other things coming up.

I'm still trying to figure out how to balance work and kids and my own social life. That is definitely harder, and I know this is an area where most single parents struggle. I'm still trying to figure out how to find success in the area of balance - but that's hard.

Anyhow, it'd been a while. Thought I'd say hello. Kids are doing really good. I'm doing good - just struggling with balance.

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ScottB,
Originally Posted by ScottB
I've moved on from that for now and I would say there is a current peace with the ex.
Good. It's probably going to come and go for some time, and even if you were married you'd have disagreements about raising the kids (though admittedly more challenging divorced).

Originally Posted by ScottB
I've got all the payments for child support, spousal support, and a loan I owe her set up to be automated - so though I'm aware of all of it, I'm not actually paying them actively.
How did you automate it? That's been on my list - hate the hassle of writing / exchanging checks each month - but hasn't bubbled up to the top of my priorities yet.

Originally Posted by ScottB
I'm still angry about all of it, even though I think I'm happier, freer, and have better relationships with the kids. I've done a lot of work over the past two years on connecting with my feelings and though I'd like to move past it (and I continue to work on it), I just feel angry. I assume that will continue for some time.
Yeah. I hear you. A lot of anger to process for sure.

I got an email this week from ExW about a medical issue for my son and she referred to a man and his ExW who had a kid in my son's class and had experience with the doctor. I know (and assume my ExW does) that this guy had an affair, got his AP pregnant, and divorced his W, and had to leave the hospital and go to the other medical provider...just like my ExW did!!! What a jerk. Even though the email was related medical referrals, not relationships, it got my anger bubbling she would bring up this guy's name. Gotta let go...

Originally Posted by ScottB
Things are just harder being divorced - not having a division of labor.
I hear you. Still a lawn to mow, a house to clean, and grocery shopping to do. Feels like we're doing it all now. My cleaners came earlier today though and the house looks/smells great, so that's a nice feeling.

Originally Posted by ScottB
Other than that, I continue to enjoy my freedom. I took the kids on a vacation to Bermuda, which was a lot of fun.
Awesome! You're making such great memories with them. They'll appreciate it. Keep it up, dad :-)

Originally Posted by ScottB
I'm still trying to figure out how to balance work and kids and my own social life. That is definitely harder, and I know this is an area where most single parents struggle. I'm still trying to figure out how to find success in the area of balance - but that's hard.
Agreed. Tough making the kids a priority, still focusing on work, and trying to set up social life in-between. Wish I had an answer. Sounds like the trips you've lined up are fantastic though.

Keep it up ScottB! You're making progress!


Me:39 Ex-W:37
M:7 T: 9
S:6 D:3
BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20
OM1 affair ends: May '20
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Originally Posted by ScottB
My son is pushing his limits on a regular basis. I asked him about the pube trimmer. He said him, my daughter, and my Ex were watching shark tank when it came on and he made a joke that he wanted it. He said he was surprised that mom got it for him. In isolation I can take one thing she does and justify it, but when I add it all up it begins to be a lot. Anyhow, I've moved on from that for now and I would say there is a current peace with the ex.

All our accounts have been split except for one old pension that I'm not going to deal with (I worked to split all the accounts and she did not help at all). Her attorney was supposed to provide the QDRO for the pension and hasn't.

I've got all the payments for child support, spousal support, and a loan I owe her set up to be automated - so though I'm aware of all of it, I'm not actually paying them actively.

I'm still angry about all of it, even though I think I'm happier, freer, and have better relationships with the kids. I've done a lot of work over the past two years on connecting with my feelings and though I'd like to move past it (and I continue to work on it), I just feel angry. I assume that will continue for some time.

Things are just harder being divorced - not having a division of labor.

Other than that, I continue to enjoy my freedom. I took the kids on a vacation to Bermuda, which was a lot of fun. And I have some other things coming up.

I'm still trying to figure out how to balance work and kids and my own social life. That is definitely harder, and I know this is an area where most single parents struggle. I'm still trying to figure out how to find success in the area of balance - but that's hard.

Anyhow, it'd been a while. Thought I'd say hello. Kids are doing really good. I'm doing good - just struggling with balance.

Hey Scott. Good update. Appreciate the candidness on your feelings looking back with some anger. I think that is normal. Obviously, I have never been through it, but I have had plenty of people close to me and I think there is usually a bit of anger and bitterness that the LBS feels. Especially because in a lot of cases they were going along thinking everything was fine then got hit out of the blue with a divorce bomb drop or their WAS being unfaithful. I've been on record before here that a really good friend that suffered from type 1 diabetes passed away 2 years after finding out his wife was cheating and leaving him for the AP. The stress and anguish caused his diabetes to go out of control and he slipped into a diabetic coma and passed away. I still miss him every day. So anyone that tries to tell me that D isn't full of stress is full of it.

I've also gone on record as saying that R isn't a bed of roses either. The work and effort it took to get back to a level of trust and togetherness was long and arduous. It certainly was not all unicorns and rainbows. And I've even struggled with looking back and times and wondering if saving it was the right choice, or whether I should have just pulled the ripcord myself. After the initial shock and panic, and the struggling with the loss of feeling in control over my life, I had started to get used to the idea of Ding and having that freedom that you speak of. Now, 4 years on that feeling is mostly gone, but that first couple of years there were a lot of times I almost regretted having fought so hard to save things. I documented my struggles with that in my threads.

The goodness is that you have a level head on your shoulders and continue to do things the right way. And you have your faith to lean on too! You've got this, and with the passage of more time I think you will get to a place where you are ready to move on with someone new. I think you will find someone that is worthy of your love and respect, and your EX will be full of regrets about letting you get away.


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Its been a minute. Starting to look like this is my "monthly" post.

Since I last wrote things have been eventful in life. I went to Seneca Rocks, WV and went rock climbing - multi-pitch, trad climbing for those out there that are in the know.

It was amazing and terrifying. Words can't really describe it. After we climbed it I was told that east of the Rockies its one of the most famous places to climb because of how sheer it is and the fact it can turn even seasoned climbers to mush.

Anyhow my buddy and I swam in the local river, jumped off rocks into the waters, camped out and climbed. It was awesome.

When I got back I bought a hammock tent and I've stayed out in the woods three nights since. One night I kayaked down a local river at 8pm until it was completely dark and then I pulled up into a random nature reserve to stay the night and finished my run the next morning. Another day I drove to Grayson Lake in KY to explore "Grotto Falls" which was incredible and stayed the night in the hammock. Really some awesome experiences.

And then last week I flew down to Chile to do snowboarding for a week with another friend of mine.

When I got back I wrote in my journal that this has been one wild and blessed year. After I wrote that line I realized that my divorce was final in February and I sat and though about the dichotomy of my feelings of blessings on the year when it also represents the year I got divorced - just interesting.

Last night I went to my daughters volleyball game and my ex sat next to me. I felt unsettled and oddly repulsion. She shared with me that she got into a big argument with one of her "friends", a friend that had supported the divorce funny enough - so I guess they are no longer friends. She also complained about the fact that she has been buying my son a lot of clothes and she doesn't feel as though I'm holding up my end by buying him clothes - I didn't dive into that one, but I was really tempted to bring up the $3300 per month I give her in support, $2k of which is child support - but whatever.

Hearing her talk about non-sense, complain about different things, and talk about her former friend made me wonder for the first time how I dealt with her for 15 years. Such a turnabout.

I still do miss being a family. And I do miss having a partner, but suddenly I am living an adventure. And I have freedom to explore the world as well as my own soul. Time to read and write and think and pray.

The kids are doing well. Some days I do get a little tired and wonder if I can keep doing it all myself - making the dinners, doing all the shopping, taking care of the house; but I am so freaking blessed that I feel guilty.

At the moment I'm laying out my snowboarding trips for 2023. Squaw Valley, Big Sky, Jackson Hole, Snow Basin and some other Utah resorts. I feel like I don't have the time to do all the incredible living I want to do. Its a blistering, mindblowing turn of events - living a life I never dreamed and never wanted. I'm finding and making my peace in it, or better yet taking advantage of it.

I feel so blessed.

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Scott, in the future try to arrive after her so you can sit by yourself. Nobody needs that kind of stress. I probably would have been pretty direct with her. When she started talking about the argument with the friend, I probably would have stopped her and said: "What, are we girlfriends here?" (I love that line by Denis Leary from The Ref!)

Now that the divorce is final, and everything is settled, I would let it be known that I am not interested in discussions outside of coparenting. And I would bring up the support next time she complains about buying clothes for the kids.

Love this update. You are knocking it out of the park, Scott!


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Quote
multi-pitch, trad climbing for those out there that are in the know.

It was amazing and terrifying.

In my younger years I did a little bit of simple top-roped climbing (and once climbed Mt Whitney with an ice ax and crampons). But my exH did a fair amount of mountaineering and we used to read climbing books and the annual Mountaineering accidents report book. So I understand the terrifying part!!!

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Scott, it's great to hear about your kayaking and climbing adventures. I'm a kayaker and mountaineer at heart so can totally relate. Glad you're living your adventure!

May we cross paths sometime in Jackson Hole.

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