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I believe in an adage: speak to kids about kid things, and adults about adult things. I personally would deal with this with your ex. At a drop off or pick up: "By the way, D said you said X. I would point out that my support is $3k and cover 70% of the kids expenses. I do not think it is fair for you to make comments about money to the kids. If you have a problem with anything address it directly with me and keep the kids out of the middle of it."

The kids know more than you imagine they do. These things have a way of being overheard.

That is just my opinion, but I do not think it would be wise to address with the kids.


M(53), W(54),D(19)
M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
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ScottB,

Loving your updates lately - you're certainly GAL'ing like a madman, and it's inspiring.

Sounds like you made the most of the Holiday weekend and your upcoming vacations should be a blast.

Originally Posted by ScottB
I've also had some interesting conversations with my married friends about said freedom. In the single life I have all the freedom, but I also have to find peace with the fact that sometimes I'm lonely. In the married life, I was never really lonely, but I also didn't have freedom - and neither do my married friends. Its interesting.
There are pros and cons to anything in life, and certainly folks envious of others' situations, no matter which side of the fence they fall. I guess it goes to show you just have to make the most of the situations life deals you and enjoy it regardless. Enjoy the freedom now, and deal with the relationship when that comes.

Ideally you'll find a partner who values both togetherness and freedom so you don't have to choose one or the other. I caught up with a coworker just yesterday who was saying that her she and her fiancée like to do things together but he also doesn't mind her going off if he's not interested in something and she enjoys that freedom - sounds like they have a good balance.

Originally Posted by ScottB
One issue I have to deal with in regards to my ex is that she seems to be getting some digs in related to me not spending money on the kids to the kids. My daughter kind of brought it up the other day. I send my ex a little over $3k per month for her and the kids and she has a good job on top of that. I think I'm going to sit the kids down this weekend to let them know that I pay child support as well as 70% of all their expenses. I didn't want to do that, but some things that are happening need to be explained.
Your kids are older, right? Teens? I think an honest, frank discussion is fair if your Ex is sowing seeds in their mind. Lay out the facts without bias or digs the other way, to show them you're doing your fair share financially.

I like SteveLW's approach - if you think you can have an honest conversation with ExW and trust her to stop - but that might be asking a lot in your situation, so you may need to go R2C's route to get the full story out there.

My kids are too young now, but I keep a spreadsheet/accounting of my child support costs for a variety of reasons, one of which includes the potential (if needed) to have that discussion when they're older.


Me:39 Ex-W:37
M:7 T: 9
S:6 D:3
BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20
OM1 affair ends: May '20
W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20
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Originally Posted by SteveLW
I believe in an adage: speak to kids about kid things, and adults about adult things. I personally would deal with this with your ex. At a drop off or pick up: "By the way, D said you said X. I would point out that my support is $3k and cover 70% of the kids expenses. I do not think it is fair for you to make comments about money to the kids. If you have a problem with anything address it directly with me and keep the kids out of the middle of it."
Definitely good advise. Hopefully you are dealing with a more reasonable person than my X.

Divorce Poison is a good read if she keeps up the BS.


"What is best for my kids is best for me"
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Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
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What exactly did your daughter say her mom said ?

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I'm with Steve in that I resisted the urge to argue custody %, $$$, fairness etc with my kids. I explained it like so--"Mommy and Daddy went to a judge to help us figure out what was fair, and we both agreed to this."

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Well, I shared nothing with the kids. I just got over it for now.

The divorced life is interesting. Definitely ups and downs with the trials of being a single parent. And its worse than that as the values of my Ex more obviously than ever before don't line up with my own.

For example, she bought my 14 year old son a Corona tank top. I just think that 14 year olds shouldn't be sponsoring beers on their clothing, call me old fashioned. I just think it promotes and sends the wrong kind of message to the child as well as peers and other parents.

Then (and this blew my mind) she bought him a pair of underwear from PSD (Pants Saggin Designz). He wanted the ones that had a huge magnum condom on them and I had said no. He thought it was funny and said he would pay for them. I said that it wasn't appropriate. So got him PSD's that have stoned banana's on them. I couldn't even believe it. I mean if it wasn't my kid I would think it was funny, and the cartoon of the stoned banana is funny - but my kid shouldn't own underwear with baked/stoned banana's all over them! What are we doing?!? The design is literally called Banana Spliff - spliff is a term for a joint. Again, he is 14.

I decided to send her an email to call these things out. I know kids at that age are watching stuff that has drinking, sex, and drugs in it. And I know their music has this stuff in it. But I feel like parents buying these kinds of things promotes this kind of activity.

Between this and the pubic hair trimmer she bought him for Christmas (the lawn mower 4.0 - he was 13 at the time)- literally on the birthday of Jesus, I just don't know what to do with my Ex. It makes me feel sick. I mean with the pubic hair trimmer, he doesn't even have pubes - not to mention he has no need to groom himself, no one should be down there!!!!!

And throw all of this in with the normal challenges of being a single parent, especially during summer vacation; and the normal challenges of trying to raise a 14 year old boy who is exploring his boundaries (and don't forget I have an 11 year old daughter and a job to do and the house to take care; I'm struggling with it all - feeling really overwhelmed and frustrated).

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Her buying him a pube trimmer on Jesus' birthday made me spit my coffee lol.


M:51 W:46
T:22 M:16
S:15 D:11

“Don’t chase people. Be yourself, do your own thing and work hard. The right people – the ones who really belong in your life – will come to you. And stay.” ~LH19
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ScottB,

I hear you. It is absolutely frustrating to see immoral behaviors modeled and poor values enabled. To some extent it's a parenting struggle even while in a marriage with trust and mutual respect, but the problems are certainly magnified in divorce where the children can "divide and conquer". Though my kids are young, I can imagine similar issues on the horizon. Not sure what advice I can give other than unfortunately - like so much of our situations - it's simply out of our control; we have to model behaviors and enforce our values when we can and let go when we can't.

Sorry you're struggling and feeling overwhelmed and frustrated. It is a lot doing the single parent thing plus career and home. So many of us can related. Hang in there. Do the best you can and give yourself a pass on the rest. This too shall pass.


Me:39 Ex-W:37
M:7 T: 9
S:6 D:3
BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20
OM1 affair ends: May '20
W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20
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Originally Posted by BL42
It is absolutely frustrating to see immoral behaviors modeled and poor values enabled.
Yo B come on now other than the "wasted banana" I think Scotty is over doing it.

Originally Posted by BL42
To some extent it's a parenting struggle even while in a marriage with trust and mutual respect, but the problems are certainly magnified in divorce where the children can "divide and conquer".
Scotty B was married to this woman for 20 years and was fine wither her moral fiber than. Do you think it changed that much?


M:51 W:46
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“Don’t chase people. Be yourself, do your own thing and work hard. The right people – the ones who really belong in your life – will come to you. And stay.” ~LH19
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Scott, I have no answers for you. But I empathize with you. Our kids grow up so fast and are sexualized younger and younger these days. I am with you on the old-fashioned front....and there ain't anything wrong with being old-fashioned!

Unfortunately, again, I think it is out of your control. Likely she is feeling guilty at ruining the kids lives (not really true but many WASs end up with that guilt), and now she is trying to be buddies with them. I mean, these are not decisions a mother would normally make for her son. In fact, in most cases it is the dad doing things like this and the mom being upset by it. So clearly her judgement is being skewed by her desire to be liked, rather than be a respected parent.

I said unfortunately above because I think you have to live with it. This falls outside of your realm of control. Maybe ask your son not to wear the corona shirt in your presence and when he is with you (during your custody). But that is about it.

I am guess your email went (or will) go over like a lead balloon. You made your position known, but I highly doubt she will honor your wishes. Maybe you will be pleasantly surprised. Likely she will use it as a way to drive a wedge and make herself look better.


M(53), W(54),D(19)
M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018
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