Well, The divorce is final and I guess I kind of feel like this whole thing is done. I'm working through all the payments. I still need to get the support payments done through the county and get the QDRO's done - but everything else has been split.
Dating has continued to be fun, with ups and downs. I guess that is the new norm.
I'm taking my daughter snowboarding, just the two of us this weekend which will be awesome. But that's about all.
BL42 - Dating advice -- Well, funny enough I had dinner with a bachelor friend of mine who had some.
He said he gets half his dates from the "apps" - for less shenanigans focus on bumble and hinge. He said the other half come from being out and about. We're in our 40's and he said after work happy hours are a great place to meet people. Low pressure, fun atmosphere. He said summer concerts, or big events like wine festivals are good. Also big philanthropic parties like the we have one at the Zoo. He said try to get out of your routine so you run into new people. Go to networking events, not to get dates, but to reconnect with people who will invite you places, which is where you might meet someone. No one gets a date on the couch.
I've been on some first dates - its a contact sport. I think you jump in, have fun, and just look to be curious and learn about people. Relax and don't stress. I actually really enjoy it - its always different and fun. ------------------------ In the last two months I've had two clients call me because they are getting divorced. I've also been on dates with divorced women who now have split families. I can't say enough how much I hate divorce. I see it as a plague of sorts and I really don't understand it - but c'est la vie, not my call to make.
I'm proud of all the people here that fight for marriage. I hope they are able to grow as individuals and thereby grow in their marriages.
I just wanted to share a story with you about annulment from a child's perspective. My post-college BF's parents divorced when he was young, and his father pursued and received an annulment through the Catholic Church. It really affected him and his relationship with his father as a young adult. He felt that his father was somehow saying that their family wasn't real, that he and his brother were illegitimate in some way. The annulment was more impactful to him than the divorce itself (in his head-- obviously, the D was the big thing, but a lot of his trauma centered on the annulment). It represented, to him, a level of rejection from his father and he had a difficult time wanting to or trying to be close with his dad because of it.
Just one story, I'm sure there are many others with other perspectives. This just happens to be the only person I know whose parents' marriage was annulled and it really affected him into adulthood. I know you are a great dad and love your children very much, and if I were in your shoes I'd just want to think about the long-term effects of pursuing an annulment on your kids.
Sounds like you have a great weekend in the works. Have fun!
May
Me (46) H (42) M:14 T:18, D9 & D11 4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs 9/20 - present: R and piecing
May - that's really great perspective and something I'll keep in mind and be sensitive to. Both of my kids go to Catholic schools and I'm not sure what they teach on Annulments. I do know that it is taught that if you do not have annulments, the church sees you as still married, and therefore any other relationships you are in are technically adultery, so pick your poison I guess. My brother's wife's mom got an annulment and she got remarried. Her dad had left them and was a degenerate.
I can't say enough how much I hate divorce. I see it as a plague of sorts and I really don't understand it - but c'est la vie, not my call to make.
Originally Posted by ScottB
I'm proud of all the people here that fight for marriage. I hope they are able to grow as individuals and thereby grow in their marriages.
Absolutely, completely, 100% agree with both of these statements. They stood out to me as soon as I read them the other day, but I didn't get around to responding until now.
I firmly believe that in the case of most divorces (obviously exceptions include physical abuse, drug addictions, serial adultery...etc.) that all involved (both the children and adults) would be much better off in the long run if married couple would to dig in and do the hard work to get past their issues and stay together. It creates so much pain and future drama for everyone it's hard to justify the short term relief, but unfortunately like you said it wasn't within our control and so we have to let go.
You're doing the work and will be a better man for it. Keep it up.
Best of luck to all out there working through a sitch...
Me:39 Ex-W:37 M:7 T: 9 S:6 D:3 BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20 OM1 affair ends: May '20 W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20 W files for D: Jul20 OM2 confirmed: 9/2020 Divorced: May '21
I can't say enough how much I hate divorce. I see it as a plague of sorts and I really don't understand it - but c'est la vie, not my call to make.
Originally Posted by ScottB
I'm proud of all the people here that fight for marriage. I hope they are able to grow as individuals and thereby grow in their marriages.
Absolutely, completely, 100% agree with both of these statements. They stood out to me as soon as I read them the other day, but I didn't get around to responding until now.
I firmly believe that in the case of most divorces (obviously exceptions include physical abuse, drug addictions, serial adultery...etc.) that all involved (both the children and adults) would be much better off in the long run if married couple would to dig in and do the hard work to get past their issues and stay together. It creates so much pain and future drama for everyone it's hard to justify the short term relief, but unfortunately like you said it wasn't within our control and so we have to let go.
You're doing the work and will be a better man for it. Keep it up.
Best of luck to all out there working through a sitch...
THIS!
I have often said (sometimes controversially) that D is the easy way out. The WAS/WS jumps to D because it is easier than working on the marriage. I believe it is a coward's way out, and thinking an AP can "make them happy" is also a cowardly, deficiency in thinking. I think Scott's wife is an example of that, as are many WASs/WSs.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
A great book to read to think through some post divorce life purposing is Die With Zero. I just got it from a friend and found it to be provocative and thoughtful.
So 5 weeks ago I took my kids to Park City for a 4 day snowboard trip. I had an awesome time with them. We got back and went to our local hill the next weekend and my daughter had improved ridiculously from being out west. I decided I really wanted to go back and though it was a little expensive I decided to just do it.
So I asked my ex if I could take my daughter back to Utah, which was using her time and taking her out of school for one day - she reluctantly said ok.
So I got to spend three days skiing Solitude, Brighton, and Snowbird with just myself and my little girl. It was unbelievable and something she will remember forever.
I did have to ask my ex if I could take her but besides that there was no judgement related to how I was spending my time or money. No one questioned how I handled meals or packing up. My rule is if you forget it, buy it. We had the most amazing time.
Strong reco on the book Die with Zero from Bill Perkins. Very interesting read. Peace Folks!
