Thank you all, I went to the doctor and was tested for everything back in December, thank God I am clean. Yes, I will need to talk to a IC.
I know this is probably normal, but I woke up this morning and I am just having a hard time. Is this all true??? Is this really who I was married to??? How can it be true?? How could everthing I heard be made up? If so why would someone make it all up?
Everything he does he takes to the extreme, drinking, gambleing now sex too.. with strangers with people I know...with lies...
I really thought H was a good man. I really thought that we would R & spend the rest of our lives together. I know that will never happen now, how could it. He will never admit to this. His friends and him will take this to his grave....
I have many memories of his love and caring, of him bursting with joy, I saw him happy. But now that I have been reflecting on our life together, there a many small moments that now seem....off.
The one person in my life that was my rock, the love of my life, my H, why???? why????
Please read The Sociopath Next Door. It’s a short book that I think will give you some clarity.
I have a patient who went through the same thing, only their marriage was even longer. She has come out the other side and is doing well now - you will too. But it’s a terrible thing to have your world turned upside down like that.
Thanks Kml, I just ordered it. I know someday I will feel better.
Before I was with my H, I was in a 10 year R with a man I call Satan.. He did the same thing to me, but I was not married to him, he did not make vows to me. H knew me when I was in that R. Why marry me when he knew he was going to do the same thing to me? Why get married to anyone? Why have me at home full of love and faith, why put me and my family through this. Everone loved him. I am so confused, I just don't understand, how can someone do this. I don't deserve this, I was a good wife. I am a good person, I have never intentionally hurt anyone
Stella, Take a deep, deep breath. You've really had quite an awful shock. Do call your primary care, get a physical, make sure this stress isn't causing harm to you physically.
Completely agree with letting the lawyers do their jobs.
Don't try to understand something this crazy. If you understood it, you'd be the person capable of doing it. You aren't, so you will never understand it and be grateful for that !!
Definitely up the IC. Why did he marry you knowing you had already gone through it? Maybe because he thought he'd be able to get away with it? I'm sorry, I hope that didn't sound harsh. You're not responsible for this guy or Satan's actions. You are responsible for doing what you need to do to live your best life moving forward. Focus on that. You deserve a wonderful life filled with love, joy, good health, prosperity, and loyalty. Focus on building that for yourself.
The only other thing I will say is this: everything, absolutely everything you put out for your marriage on your side was honest, loyal and true. That wasn't a lie.
xoxoxo
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
You did nothing to make this happen, and you don't deserve any of it. Those of us who grew up in healthy environments may not really be aware to be on the lookout for signs of Dark Triad traits.
I agree with everyone here; you did NOTHING to cause this, you did not deserve this and your inability to not 'see' what was happening is a reflection of your kind, big heart and faithful, generous self.
I agree with upping the IC. Searching for keywords such as 'trauma-informed therapy' was the key to finding my best therapist. And don't be afraid to go two or three times a week in the beginning... you have a lot to unpack here and that is what they are there for. I also second Butterfly's suggestion of getting into your GP to discuss the impact this stress may be having on you physically.
Now, for H. I hesitate to even delve into this because in so many ways the best approach is to not spend an iota of a second 'untangling the skein' of your H's behavior. But for me to reach my own acceptance and approach closure (I'm not fully there yet), I found that having some understanding of what might be happening within him was helpful for me to let go. Early on in my situation, during a brief reconciliation, my H told me that I made him feel extremely guilty and shameful. Mostly for his traveling lifestyle and not being there for me and the kids. Which was so perplexing to me because I had no resentment nor anger for his travels, even during high-stress times (alone with a newborn and three other little ones for a couple weeks for example). I felt like we were a team and we both were pulling our weight in different arenas towards the same goal. But looking back, I realized that his guilt and shame came not from me, but from within him. He had likely been behaving in ways while he was away to feel guilty and shameful about. And so long as he was able to compartmentalize these behaviors, he could function. But once the mask came off, so to speak, he fought (and is fighting) tooth and nail to justify his life and choices by vilifying me.
I find it really hard to believe that all my life to now was a lie. That these beautiful children born in love, that all those moments of unadulterated joy and connection between me and H, the success we achieved together, the huge network of loving friends and family, was all a ruse. I don't believe it was. I truly think that when H was with me and working towards our goals, he was happy, he adored me, he was in love with me. But he has an ability to compartmentalize and be more than one person. He could be all those things to me and in our life, AND he could go off on his work trips and be a completely different person. Maybe he self-soothed by telling himself that flirting with female clients would get us more jobs and therefore be a benefit to me and the children. Maybe he told himself he 'deserved' to indulge in some act or another because I was 'unwilling' to provide him with what he needed.
And which of those lives are the real one and which is the fake one? That can't really be answered, but I put it out there that his life with you was just as real as the double life he led. But you don't want to be married to half a human or a split human. You want to be married to a whole person. It takes a very un-whole person to live double lives to that degree.
I say all of this not to be generous to your H, but to implore you to be generous with yourself. You did all that you could with the information you had at the time. What you do with the information you now have is of greater importance than what you did when you were kept in the dark during your marriage. By that measure, you are doing fantastic.
The problem here is, despite any generous explanation you might have for H's behavior (poor addict! His life is going to be so bad now!) you must remember this: he CHOSE to not tell you. He may be an addict who struggled with addiction but he chose not to tell you and therefore deprived you of agency in your own life.
So don't spend TOO much of your time wondering why. You have every right to be furious. Don't waste any time interacting with him further. Let the attorneys handle everything. See a good counselor to help you deal with the trauma and help you recognize red flags in future dates.
Also - look forward! Your life is your own now. Plan the life you want to live going forward. You deserve so much more.
I am so sorry to hear this Stella. I agree with others… trying to understand the “whys” truly is a cheeseless tunnel (as they like to say around here). I had a lot of those questions as well. Four years later… still don’t have any real answers. For a long time, I imagined that XH and I could sit down across from one another and, now that the “truth” was out there, have a real honest conversation. At one point, he even told me he would have that conversation “in a few days” when he was “ready”. Guess what?? A few days came and went and not a word. It’s been over three years since he told me that. Not holding my breath…lol. That was one of his MO’s… when your wife wants real answers to real questions, agree to give them to her but not right now. Let some time pass and make her ask the question again. When she does, agree and then put her off again. Eventually she will forget about it or just stop asking. Lather, rinse, repeat. If I had a $1 for every time XH and I did this dance, I’d be retired by now.
I, too, had a lot of the same “how could I be so blind” questions. I beat myself up for that for a long time because I am a smart person. More than that though, I am an honest and trusting person and like a lot of honest people, I projected my own way of being (moral code)onto him. I couldn’t possibly lie to and cheat on the father of my children so he couldn’t possibly do it either. I didn’t see it because I wasn’t looking for it….same as you. And why you? Because people like him can only have relationships with people like us. If they married someone like them, it wouldn’t last six months.
Really proud of you that you aren’t going to tell his mom the stuff you found out about him. I found out about XH’s double life at the same time as his mom so we didn’t talk about it initially. But anything I’ve found out since, I’ve kept to myself. She and I have a relationship separate and apart from him and she is my kids’ grandmother. My telling her everything I know wouldn’t hurt him, it would hurt her and I have no interest in hurting her any more than she has already been hurt. She doesn’t deserve that and, frankly, I’ve moved on. You will get there too my friend. Big (((HUGS)))
Thank you all, your words are so comforting to me.. I was tested for everything back in December, everything came back clean.
I know that this has nothing to do with me. I am mad at myself for not paying attention to all those little things, those little one offs that made me think for a second over the years, but I would just brush them off.. I would think.. nah, he wouldn't do that, he loves me..would it have made a difference...no it would not have. H would have just lied and lied some more to cover his other life.
I will never understand the why..I will never have the answers.. because there is nothing and I mean nothing that STBXH could ever say that would make this rational or sane. There is nothing he could ever say to me that would make me let him back into my life. He is sick, I can not fix him, not my job to teach someone to be a good person. He needs help that he will never get, that is not my problem anymore. I know that I was a good wife, I was happy, I loved him probably always will, but this... this is not fixable.he is a sick, sick man .I will still pray for H to get help, seek peace, I hope someday he heals himself. I can not even to begin to imagine the pain in his head. He must feel something deep inside with all his demons.. who knows..
Yep, I need to find a good IC to fix me, sort this mess out in my head now. The trama, the abuse..I am dumbfounded (DnJ, thank you for that word)
God has brought back a old friend into my life. She has been so amazingly supportative to me. Helping me GAL, been going to lunch and out for cocktails. Introducing me to all kinds of new people. I caught a small glimpse these last few weeks of a new life. But I plan on taking it all very slow. Found out I am incrediable shy now...which if you new me that would make you chuckle.. I have always been outgoing, confident and bubbly and fun to hang out with... but that girl is buried right now.. someday we will see her again. Baby steps...
Another surgery this Thursday, herna by the incision from my last surgery.. Mom is coming down to stay and take me to the appointment. I did not tell Mom and Dad all of the sick details about H. I will not tell his mother either. She has enough pain in her life, she dosen't need this to. I know it would do good for anyone.
Start new job on the 4th, I will need to focus on that now, which I think will be good for me. I don't feel ready to do it, but I know I have to.. I have to for my own sanity...
Thank you all for being here for me, with all my heart, thank you
Stella
to be continued, maybe they will make a lifetime movie about my life someday..lol
You don't need to tell your parents all the details. But I would simply tell them "I found out he had been unfaithful throughout our marriage". It will help them understand and process their own loss.
