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Originally Posted by Eagle3
Originally Posted by Mach1
I would ask you this .....

What does a reconciliation look like to you ??

What steps would have to happen for that to be possible ??

Is reconciliation even something that you want ??

For now though, maybe answer those questions and try not to 'define' anything.

Mach,
Very good questions, but I can't answer them myself. The true love is present, but reconciliation is a very big step which takes much more than simply plain love. I still don't want the person I see in front of me today as a fixed value in my life, because he is still very occupied with himself, but also because not all flee behavior has disappeared yet. He still drinks a lot and still has moments when he says things that don't make any sense at all. So I'm not going to define this yet.
What I do know for sure is that today we are building a good friendship where honesty, understanding and respect are central. If this goes the other way again I'm sure I'll walk away from it. This is the basis for me to go forward.

I think you absolutely get to answer those for yourself....

And I think you are answering them even in your response to me about not answering them : )

I think that you have some great milestones to recognize what you will and will not allow in whatever a relationship looks like, and that is where I want you to be with this...

I also think that at some point, you have to know what the signs are if he were to come to you and say that he wants to be with you.

And you definitely have the power to say either yes, or no...

And knowing those answers now is a whole lot easier than trying to figure them out on the run...

I know you aren't there or even thinking that yet....

However....I think you will be thankful by knowing things now.

For example....

If he is still drinking a lot, would you want a relationship with him ?

If anyone that you were thinking about being in a relationship with was a heavy drinker, would you want a relationship with them ?


During my time standing, I made myself a template of what I wanted my next partner to look like in my life, and even if it was my wayward spouse, she would still have to go up against my template...

And what I learned was, that even though my next partner was around a 95% match for me, it wasn't the 95% that we matched that eventually became important, it was how we dealt with the remaining 5% that was the important part...




I do feel that those answers would be advantageous to know now.....rather than later....

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Originally Posted by LH19
Eagle I want to start out by saying I think you are doing a great job post divorce!

I do want to ask you one question. Does the below continue if he is in a relationship with another woman?

Originally Posted by Eagle3
That he finds the psychological help which he know he needs within the conversations with me, because I am the only one who knows him so well and who always shows understanding and compassion. Yesterday he texted me again to thank me for the support I give him and that he will never take it for granted again like he used to. That he wants to do the same for me. If I struggle with something that I can contact him at all times.

Hi LH,

Good question, which I actually already gave in my thread of 29/12:

"What I do know now, however, is that it had to be that one of us 2 would meet someone new, that we wouldn't be able to be in each other's lives. I also made this clear to him. We are still way too intertwined that this wouldn't work for me. He realizes this and knows that this was also one of the reasons why it didn't work in his relationships. I was always in the background. For me, however, this is also the reason why I don't allow anyone else in my life today. But I don’t need this either for now."

So no, I will not do this when he is in an R with another woman, nor if I would meet somebody myself.


Me(45)EXH(44)
M:15 T:18, S19, S16 & S16
04/19-02/20 ILYB & OW1
12/20-08/22 OW2 (+pregnant-his child)
03/22-Divorce official
06/22-08/23 Reconnecting
09/23-possible back with OW2
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Originally Posted by Mach1
Originally Posted by Eagle3
Originally Posted by Mach1
I would ask you this .....

What does a reconciliation look like to you ??

What steps would have to happen for that to be possible ??

Is reconciliation even something that you want ??

For now though, maybe answer those questions and try not to 'define' anything.

Mach,
Very good questions, but I can't answer them myself. The true love is present, but reconciliation is a very big step which takes much more than simply plain love. I still don't want the person I see in front of me today as a fixed value in my life, because he is still very occupied with himself, but also because not all flee behavior has disappeared yet. He still drinks a lot and still has moments when he says things that don't make any sense at all. So I'm not going to define this yet.
What I do know for sure is that today we are building a good friendship where honesty, understanding and respect are central. If this goes the other way again I'm sure I'll walk away from it. This is the basis for me to go forward.

I think you absolutely get to answer those for yourself....

And I think you are answering them even in your response to me about not answering them : )

I do feel that those answers would be advantageous to know now.....rather than later....

Hi Mach,

Makes sense. I have been thinking about this the past week and as you state, yes, I already have an answer to these questions, I only did not know it myself yet. LOL

I also explain some more in my general thread as I will write an update of the current situation now.


Me(45)EXH(44)
M:15 T:18, S19, S16 & S16
04/19-02/20 ILYB & OW1
12/20-08/22 OW2 (+pregnant-his child)
03/22-Divorce official
06/22-08/23 Reconnecting
09/23-possible back with OW2
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Good morning,

The current situation is that we are still evolving in the same way. G and I see each other on a weekly basis and are in frequent contact via messages. Last week he was on a ski trip with his best friend pre-MLC and he called at a certain point as there were some frustrations during the trip. His friend is also not the most easy person going forward and he needed to vent because he knew he might lash out at him otherwise. He even mentioned that if this had been the situation last year he would certainly have left immediately but now wants to deal with it in a better way and that is to talk about it first which he has done now. So he is slowly learning and making progress.

The conversations about what happened the past years have stopped in the last 2 weeks. Currently we are simply sort of dating and having fun. Last week, during his trip, he sent a message asking if I would be availabe on Saturday evening to do something together, just the two of us. (first time he asked it so directly). However, I had already planned a dinner with family and didn't want to reschedule this for him, I won't do that anymore. I will continue to live my own life for now. I told him to reschedule our together time to the Sunday evening.
Since it was his brother who came over with wife and kids I asked him if he would like to join which he did. It was a nice evening but G again drank way too much. Afterwards, when everybody was gone he ordered a taxi. When he left he gave a hug and said that I have to pay attention that I don't hurt myself again as he couldn't give what I wanted. (as if he would now what I want :)) I didn't say anything since he was way to wasted to talk. He also sent a message afterwards to ask if I would come to his house (for the wrong reasons if you understand what I mean) and I said no, we have agreed to see each other the next day and he replied that this wouldn't happen if I didn't come over now, clearly manipulation again, so I didn't reply anymore.
The next day however he immediatly sent a reply to say he was sorry for his reaction and that he really wanted me to come over that evening. I assume he read his messages again, and was quite shocked of what he sent because I'm pretty sure he didn't remember it anymore.
We then agreed to watch a movie at his house last night. The atmosphere was very relaxing. He didn't drink at all. He is also very sweet and concerned about me. Much more then he used to be. F.e. it was raining a lot and when I was on my way to his house he texted to say he had moved his own car out of the carport so I could park there so I wouldn't get wet. There is also more and more intimacy between us. By intimacy I also mean caressing, not just the purely sexual side.

When I arrived home again I sent a message to say I arrived safe (he always asks me to do this) and he yet again sent a message to thank me for the nice evening and to thank me for the support he gets from me.

However, I feel very strongly that the this is not yet the time for reconcilliaton. We are really in the reconnection phase today. The future will show which direction this will take. However, I think about it as little as possible. I won't say I don't think about it, but I know it will take a lot of time if we both would choose to move forward in that direction.

If I look at him purely from a distance, I know that he is still in his MLC, that much is clear. See the running behavior and the manipulation when he is drinking...

TBC...

Have a nice Monday everybody!

E xxx


Me(45)EXH(44)
M:15 T:18, S19, S16 & S16
04/19-02/20 ILYB & OW1
12/20-08/22 OW2 (+pregnant-his child)
03/22-Divorce official
06/22-08/23 Reconnecting
09/23-possible back with OW2
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ok. good update. i like that you didn't change your plans and i also would pay attention to his behavior and what he said - in vino veritas ...

you'd have to ask someone else who has gone through reconnection and reconciliation to see if what i'm about to say is correct:

if this was someone you just met, would you continue the relationship?

If so then maybe that's the question to always keep in your mind.


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D 12/23/16

"Someone I loved once gave me
A box full of darkness.
It took me years to understand,
That this too, was a gift."
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Good Morning Eagle

Good to see G take action/reach out during his ski trip rather than just bolt. Emotional growth.

I do wonder about his drinking too much. Or even at all. The evening with brother, wife, and kids vs the evening with just you. Is he utilizing drink to cope with stress of so much family? Or certain family? I find it very interesting that he remains drink-free when in certain situations. Do you know how he handled the ski trip incident, in regards to imbibing?

I agree H is reconnecting. He is still timid, yet getting more comfortable. Drink does brings back more H and less G. As you say, still in MLC. Nearing the finial stages IMHO, yet still MLC until final acceptance is reached.

At this stage, these folks are hurt and healing, and likely not someone we’d date if just meeting them. Thing is, we didn’t just meet them. Entangled lives and all that. The overarching direction of your path is still to keep moving forward and let him catch up with you.

We’ve talked before about the shift of power as a MLCer moves through their crisis. And the power has certainly shifted. I think you are wisely using it to influence and inspire G. One with less inner work would demand answers, punish, and control.

I see plenty of hope in your inspiring story life.

D


Feelings are fleeting.
Be better, not bitter.
Love the person, forgive the sin.
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Hi Eagle, I'm a newbie here, and just wanted to thank you for continuing to share your story. My best wishes as you continue to stay strong and move forward.

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Originally Posted by bttrfly
ok. good update. i like that you didn't change your plans and i also would pay attention to his behavior and what he said - in vino veritas ...
Hi B,
No, I have grown so much these past years that I will not let anybody influence my life anymore in that way. G is aware of that, and this has been even more clear the past week. I’ll explain later.
Originally Posted by bttrfly
if this was someone you just met, would you continue the relationship? If so then maybe that's the question to always keep in your mind.
Originally Posted by DnJ
At this stage, these folks are hurt and healing, and likely not someone we’d date if just meeting them. Thing is, we didn’t just meet them. Entangled lives and all that. The overarching direction of your path is still to keep moving forward and let him catch up with you.
B, good question but I can’t compare since this is not the case and I can’t look at him like that. Like D said, this is a person with whom I have lived with half my life, I have always loved and still love this person in a matter that I haven’t loved anyone else. So I cannot answer this question in a rational way.
Originally Posted by DnJ
I do wonder about his drinking too much. Or even at all. The evening with brother, wife, and kids vs the evening with just you. Is he utilizing drink to cope with stress of so much family? Or certain family? I find it very interesting that he remains drink-free when in certain situations. Do you know how he handled the ski trip incident, in regards to imbibing?
Yes, this is indeed something to think about. I have been with him several times this week and then his drinking is not a problem at all. On the ski-trip I would think he will not hold back. Not sure of course but they always went for the après-ski so pretty sure this was not with a soft drink if you know what I mean.
Originally Posted by DnJ
I agree H is reconnecting. He is still timid, yet getting more comfortable. Drink does brings back more H and less G. As you say, still in MLC. Nearing the finial stages IMHO, yet still MLC until final acceptance is reached.
Yes, I’m pretty sure he is.
Originally Posted by marching
Hi Eagle, I'm a newbie here, and just wanted to thank you for continuing to share your story. My best wishes as you continue to stay strong and move forward.
Dear Marching,
First of all I would like to say I’m very sorry you also landed in this position. Definitely one of the hardest things I have ever gone through but believe me when I say it, you come out so much stronger if you work on yourself. When I first came here I didn’t know what they meant at all but it sort of comes natural. It simply all takes time. And I’m not talking about your partner’s MLC, I’m talking about your path, your path of growth and understanding.
For me, it all began to change when I fully let go in February of last year. I didn’t even know myself I took the step but I simply didn’t need him anymore. I was just fine on my own, and this feeling grew stronger within a few weeks. If you read my full thread it all began in April 2019, so it took me almost 3 years to be where I wanted to be.
G slowly began to change a few months later, I guess it was around June of 2022 when I saw a shift. He was still with OW2 then. Believe me, I didn’t see it then, or maybe I did but G was such a clinging MLC’er that I could not tell the difference at all. He had been in and out for so many times…
It then still took him months before he told me the first time he really loved me. The first time he did was just before Christmas holiday, so 6 months later.
And still I’m not even sure it will last. Yes, currently it is genuine, that I’m sure of, but with MLC you never know which direction it will go. So I try to stay detached as much as possible but at the same time I’m reconnecting. Kind of strange to use these two words in one sentence but it is definitely possible when you are fully healed.

The past week we have been together on a regular basis and we text and talk a lot. To give you an idea of how their minds work at this stage I’ll give some examples of the messages he gives me and how they can flip flop from one day compared to another day.
1/ I had his sister over for dinner last week.
Day 1, Oh, I would love to come as well.
Day 2: I think this will give the wrong signals towards everybody. I would like to sort everything out for myself without pressure and opinions of other people. I’m enjoying my time with you so much, but I don’t want any pressure nor create expectations.
What is my reaction: Just do whatever you want. You can come, if you don’t want to, don’t come. I also enjoy our time together currently, for me this is just fine. (and this is what I really believe as well). Let’s not make it difficult, difficult has been there enough these past years. He then is completely as ease and I’m as well.
2/ The agreement we made was that he came over for the appetizers, but wouldn’t stay for dinner. So he did. A few hours later messages from him, which I didn’t see immediately since I was having fun with my visitors:
I know we agreed not to…but it hits me in the face…I already miss you so much and I realize how deeply I love you…Sorry
3/ I have been sleeping at his place for the first time this weekend. We had a great night.
Next day: I simply want to thank you for everything en I must say that I really enjoy our time together. This weekend was simply fantastic. Hopefully more to come.
4/ We agreed to go away for 2 days, just the 2 of us. The children are aware that we have contact on a regular basis. For me it is very important to not cover the truth. They are old enough to know this is the case. Of course I don’t share any details, but it is but normal that if I want them to be honest with me I do the same with them. When we talked about going away for a weekend he asked me not to tell the children since he is afraid they will be mad at him again if it eventually would not work out between the two of us. He doesn’t want to be the bad guy. I told him plain and simple I wouldn’t lie towards them. That the reason why they would not have contact with him was because he really hurt them since he completely shut them out of his life and he did things to them in a way that they had to do this to protect themselves. That they will never let him down if he is a good father for them and if he threats the people they love in a good way. I had to make him clear that their R is separate from our potential R. He then was at ease again. His mind still works in a different way then it does within most persons…
So far the update for now.
I’ll try to write soon again!!

Last edited by Eagle3; 01/24/23 07:51 PM.

Me(45)EXH(44)
M:15 T:18, S19, S16 & S16
04/19-02/20 ILYB & OW1
12/20-08/22 OW2 (+pregnant-his child)
03/22-Divorce official
06/22-08/23 Reconnecting
09/23-possible back with OW2
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And Marching, forgot to add one thing. The reason I share my story here in detail is because I know how important it is for people who are going through the same.
So I will try to do this regularly. I personally do not read all the stories due to lack of time, but whenever I can I’ll share here. Feel free to as questions whenever you want to.
xxx


Me(45)EXH(44)
M:15 T:18, S19, S16 & S16
04/19-02/20 ILYB & OW1
12/20-08/22 OW2 (+pregnant-his child)
03/22-Divorce official
06/22-08/23 Reconnecting
09/23-possible back with OW2
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Thank you eagle 🦅


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D26 S24 S21 D20
BD:2022
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