Ok G - then if you said ILU after, say, 6 months of dating, and then discovered your beloved was a gambling addict, would you stay? What if they were a pedophile? Obviously everybody has some kind of dealbreaker that would cause us to break off a dating relationship even if we had said ILU. . Yet waiting to say ILU until you were fairly certain that there were no dealbreakers lurking would take at least two years I think. Does that mean you shouldn’t say ILU until you’ve been together 2 years? That would seem very far out of the norm.
How far into the relationship have you said ILU, G? If you found out a boyfriend had cheated on you one year into a relationship where you had already said ILU, would you feel obligated to work it out with him?
K as usual you are missing most the points here. Obviously ILU doesn’t tie you to someone for the rest of your life so please drop that from your justification. As Valeska said this is about CW fixing his attachment issues so no one else gets hurt. You also never touched on the fact that CW is always on here saying he wants someone who loves him for his warts and all. So she has money issues. So does he. Sit down together and try to figure out how something like last weekend never happens again. That’s what adults in love do.
You are always saying your exh is a narcissist when statistically speaking it’s highly unlikely. You know what a sure sign of a narcissist is? Thinking they are right and everyone else is wrong.
You all are missing the point - there is nothing wrong with T leaving a dating relationship when he discovers character traits that are dealbreakers for him. He’s only dated her three months! And if you think “sitting down and figuring out how to avoid that happening again” with a woman who has multiple other red flags around her irresponsibility and entitlement around money is the way to go , I call you hopelessly naive. This is not about not knowing how to budget. He’s not going to change her. And he shouldn’t try.
Can we just trust that T feels this is sufficient reason to break up? Almost every one here is saying “he should work it out” like you are. I say he shouldn’t ignore the very real red flags and is under no obligation at three months of dating to continue the relationship. Even if he was foolish enough to rush in a little too quickly.
Again - I didn’t start this to discuss T but to see what people think is a “normal” amount of time to ILU and how does this time affect what you “owe” somebody you’re just dating?
You all are missing the point - there is nothing wrong with T leaving a dating relationship when he discovers character traits that are dealbreakers for him. He’s only dated her three months! And if you think “sitting down and figuring out how to avoid that happening again” with a woman who has multiple other red flags around her irresponsibility and entitlement around money is the way to go , I call you hopelessly naive. This is not about not knowing how to budget. He’s not going to change her. And he shouldn’t try.
Can we just trust that T feels this is sufficient reason to break up? Almost every one here is saying “he should work it out” like you are. I say he shouldn’t ignore the very real red flags and is under no obligation at three months of dating to continue the relationship. Even if he was foolish enough to rush in a little too quickly.
Again - I didn’t start this to discuss T but to see what people think is a “normal” amount of time to ILU and how does this time affect what you “owe” somebody you’re just dating?
There is no normal amount of time to ILU. It depends on The two individuals in the relationship. This thread shows ILU and even marriage means different things to different people. Your exH and you clearly had different ideas on what marriage or commitment meant. Dennis Rodman and Carmen Electra probably had their views on it when they got married
As in any relationship, the key here is clear communication. Before you say ILU try to understand how your partner will interpret it. Communicate with them so they understand what ILU means to you so they don’t misinterpret it. If you are not comfortable having the conversation about what ILU means, then it is probably too early to say it.
I would agree with that, M. Communication is key and different people will have different perspectives. This is why I’m so surprised to hear statements about T’s situation like “this is why women don’t trust men!” or “ he should try to work this out” or “he shouldn’t be judging her”.
Maybe people are still personalizing the rejection because they’re still raw from their divorce? Maybe people are overly stuck in DB mode and carrying that into their dating lives?
I agree with those that feel that the actions speak louder than the words and the words themselves can mean completely different things to different people. And if CW wants to use those words and the gals respond to it, then that is between them.
I don’t think anyone can honestly ever agree on the right or wrong time to say it, except the two people saying the words to each other. Love is not some simple emotion with a rule book anyway. It’s extremely complex and layered. You add in there the differences between the sexes, societal stuff, history, trauma, etc, and the word itself can’t contain what the feeling are anyway. That’s where the actions come in (along with deeper communication using a lot of words).
Why is everyone arguing about the timing? There are couples out there that say it very early and have amazing relationships that live up to the words spoken. There are other couples who wait to say it and take a bit longer to feel the same amazing connection without speaking the words. Then there are those that say it and don’t really mean it, or at least the person receiving it doesn’t feel it. I mean, really, can there be rules around something like saying you love someone? Communication is flawed. That’s just the way it is. It doesn’t cover all the feelings. That’s why Brene Brown has a new book about words for feelings to help…hahaha!
My STBXH said ILU really early, like within months. And I said it back not long after that and felt it too. But here I am now. Divorcing and he had an affair. Honestly, the love bombing actions should have been more of a red flag then the words. And he told me the dreaded ILYBINILWY, so explain what the heck that is then? It’s really all about actions and connections and two people just trying to say how complicated they are feeling in words.
It’s love after all. It’s different for everyone and every situation and every couple. And honestly, I told my cat I loved her the moment I picked her up as a kitten. Do you think she freaked out? She just absorbed the love I showed her…and I’m grateful to receive what I feel is love back from her even if it happened very early in our relationship.
Me 52, H 56 T10 M7, 2nd MR for both 2 Step Sons (19 and 21) BD: Fall 2020 D finalized: July 2022 XH Married AP soon after D day.
MLC has a great point. ILUs to Ginger, Dawn, myself etc. mean commitment, honor, trust etc. ILUs to KML and CW mean I think I kinda dig you right now but we’ll see how it goes. Which brings up the point why even say it. Oh I know why, because she said it first. Sounds like a fight between my kids. “She said it first”.
Here are the facts of the case and they are irrefutable, we have two women who were once friends are now ex-gfs who most likely felt misled. Middle age dating is awesome! Lol.
MLC has a great point. ILUs to Ginger, Dawn, myself etc. mean commitment, honor, trust etc. ILUs to KML and CW mean I think I kinda dig you right now but we’ll see how it goes. Which brings up the point why even say it. Oh I know why, because she said it first. Sounds like a fight between my kids. “She said it first”.
Here are the facts of the case and they are irrefutable, we have two women who were once friends are now ex-gfs who most likely felt misled. Middle age dating is awesome! Lol.
Dude I'm telling ya - get a dog! Scr3w middle age dating! Hey LH have you noticed we've kissed and made up? We're 1000% in agreement here.
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
BF you’ve always been one of my favorites I never hold grudges. I’ve made up with Don, May, Wayfarer etc. I have strong opinions and probably cross the line sometimes to get my point home. We are all here to be better.
BF you’ve always been one of my favorites I never hold grudges. I’ve made up with Don, May, Wayfarer etc. I have strong opinions and probably cross the line sometimes to get my point home. We are all here to be better.
I’m not ready to give up on woman yet lol.
Darlin, chicks love dogs ... and dogs are great judges of character ...can you dig the groove i'm laying down?
I haven't given up totally - yet - on the notion of there being a guy out there who not only flips my skirt but also has the same definition of love as me ... but dang, reading this side of the boards sometimes makes me want to run screaming from the room as though my hair was on fire. Yeah, we definitely are all here to be better, but wow. please tell me this isn't representative ... give me some hope, Obi Wan ...
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
