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#2931141 03/09/22 05:38 PM
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Last thread: After Life https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2928784&page=1

Reading an interesting article today about some research into online dating. (Online dating is now the second most frequent way heterosexual people meet their mates, and I would bet that if you stratified by age, it's probably the number one way that people over 40 meet.)The research shows two interesting things. One is that interracial dating increased significantly with the intro of online dating, beyond what would be expected by previous trends and changing demographics. That doesn't surprise me. What did surprise me is evidence that marriages that started with online dating have lower rates of breakups. So for all you naysayers about online dating, I think that research is pretty reassuring. Here's an excerpt:

"Meanwhile, research into the strength of marriage has found some evidence that married couples who meet online have lower rates of marital breakup than those who meet traditionally. That has the potential to significantly benefit society. And it’s exactly what Ortega and Hergovich’s model predicts.

Of course, there are other factors that could contribute to the increase in interracial marriage. One is that the trend is the result of a reduction in the percentage of Americans who are white. If marriages were random, this should increase the number of interracial marriages, but not by the observed amount. “The change in the population composition in the U.S. cannot explain the huge increase in intermarriage that we observe,” say Ortega and Hergovich.

That leaves online dating as the main driver of this change. And if that’s the case, the model implies that this change is ongoing.

That’s a profound revelation. These changes are set to continue, and to benefit society as result. "

As for my thread title, I'm continuing the process of purging things from my house, and feeling lighter with every load that goes to the Goodwill or every item given away on my local Buy Nothing group.

I'm also talking to my adult kids about maybe planning a long weekend trip somewhere local in a few months - someplace everyone can drive to. We haven't taken a family vacation since the divorce. There are a variety of destinations within easy driving distance, mountains, beaches, desert, cities - its mostly a matter of meeting certain restrictions and getting everyone to agree on a place. (Restrictions include the place must allow small dogs, and must have good mattresses for my son with Ehlers Danlos. Any hiking would have to be easy for that son, or at least have an easy option. I'd be happy just to lounge by a pool at a resort, but if we go that route, there needs to be other things to do nearby. ) It might be difficult to get all 3 to agree on the same kind of place, but I'll send out feelers.

kml #2931142 03/09/22 06:00 PM
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I’m not surprised by this research KML (although my XH and I met online). Because it is online, it gives people the opportunity to meet people outside of their usual social circles. It is only natural this would lead to more exposure to people of different ages, races, religions, nationalities, etc… I think that is definitely a benefit. However, the down side of that is that it gives married people way more opportunity to cheat on their spouses so I think it likely contributes to the breakup of marriages as well. Just my opinion… don’t know if there is research on that particular subject.

RE: the family vacay. Having just returned from one, I highly recommend it. smile


Me 53
H 48
B/G Twins 13
SD 21
Legal SA - January 2019
Divorce filed - June 2019
Divorce final - November 2019

Together 14 years
Married 12 years
BD1 - May 2014
BD2 - September 14, 2018

kml #2931185 03/10/22 01:55 AM
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Hey Past Life Recall, posting here to you instead of your thread. I'm sorry I forgot you were trying to keep things on the slow burner like you did before. It just ticks me off when long-term affair partners seem to show no shame whatsoever, especially once they've gotten to know the kids who were hurt by their and WASs behavior. I'm so thankful I haven't had to deal with that because clearly I am NOT that generous a spirit. Also thankful that my kids were all but out of the house (youngest was halfway through his senior year in high school when my ex left) so I never had to deal with custody etc. I'm sorry you still have to deal with this for a few more years, but it will get much better when contact is almost unnecessary.

kml #2931197 03/10/22 05:43 PM
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My best new discovery is my local Buy Nothing group on FB. It's a great way to find appropriate homes for things that you no longer need but that aren't items that are really appropriate for the goodwill. (Example - half a case of Ensure). It would also be a great way for someone of limited means to find furniture, household items etc. for free. (Note: It would be really DANGEROUS for hoarders or shopaholics though!) I have several items I will be giving away this weekend. Every time I get more stuff out of my house I feel lighter. Wish I could just take a month off and devote my self to working on my house and on various errands! Still I'm chipping away most weekends at my long to do list. We Americans have SO much excess stuff, especially here in the suburbs.

When I started by purging my closet at the start of the pandemic, it really put me into a mindset. I think the grand total of new purchases I've made since (besides books, cleaning tools and things that get used up) were one pair of running shoes, one blouse, some running shorts and leggings on a screaming Costco deal, and some undies. I look at every new purchase as potential clutter and try to get rid of at least an equivalent amount of stuff if I buy something.

My sister is involved in doing the same at her home in another state. Every load of stuff that leaves the house leaves us feeling a little lighter. And with every nook or cranny that gets purged and organized, I feel a little lighter emotionally too. Next up is the rest of my garage. But this weekend I'm not sure I'll get any purging done, tentative plans to drive up to see my youngest son, and maybe middle son on the same trip.

What do YOU need to let go of - mentally or physical stuff?

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kml #2931198 03/10/22 06:07 PM
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kml

I am a big fan of minimizing. I have been letting go of all kinds of things since STBXW left 2.5 years ago. It is so freeing to come home to a decluttered space. If/when I ever look to get into a relationship again I will definitely look for someone who thinks along these lines.

T


Me55 (53@BD)
W52 (50@BD)
S22 (20@BD) S20 (19@BD)
Married 23 Together 28
BD 9/29/19 (came home from weekend fishing trip and wife had moved out with no warning)
W filed 10/19/20 (Informed me via text)
kml #2931199 03/10/22 06:09 PM
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First and foremost, speaking as someone living in a high stress situation with reduced income, TAKE THE VACATION! By all means, include your kids, but if they can't or don't want to go, go anyway. I'm telling you, if I had the means at all at the moment, I would be OUT of here even if it was just for a couple of days. Do it....you deserve it!

As far as the letting go and purging, I know exactly what you mean. Monday, I focused on finishing up getting our living room decorated (unpacking boxes of pictures and knick knacks that were stored in the back bedroom in the process) and I also cleaned out the small coat closet in the living room that we had just opened the door and shoved a couple of boxes in. I purged stuff that was mine, stuff that was Sparky's, stuff that I have no clue who it belonged to but it isn't ours anymore. LOL It was a GREAT sense of accomplishment.

When I divorced and moved from our marital home to a much smaller (and super cute) duplex, I purged a crap ton of stuff. Some of it was stuff I had owned prior to my marriage, some was stuff we accumulated together that he left because he just didn't want to deal with it. We had personalized Christmas tree ornaments and wedding decor and all kinds of stuff like that. Some got thrown in the trash, some got taken to the local thrift store, some got given directly to people who could use it. When I get ready to move here a few years ago, I went through and did an even harder purge so as not to move a bunch of stuff that never gets used. Much to the dismay of some, I threw out all my old high school yearbooks. Why was I keeping those? It wasn't like I sat around looking through them. It was just something else that my kids would have to go through some day and discard because they wouldn't want to keep them since they wouldn't know most of the people. It was very freeing!

My Monday project coming up next week is to start to tackle the cabinets in the dining room. There are some nice built in cabinets that I know are just full of stuff that belonged to Sparky's grandmother, so some of my boxes with seasonal serving ware, a set of Christmas dishes handed down by one of my favorite aunts, and other such items are still boxed in a closet in the utility room because I have no place to store them. We are letting that ish go! There are a few pieces Sparky mentioned wanting to keep for sentimental reasons, but much of it will go to our local thrift store. We are also putting together a large box of odds and ends for the daughter of one of my former co-workers and friend whose daughter's house burned down last weekend. So, even if it isn't stuff that is her taste, it will be stuff she can use to get by until they can get settled again and start rebuilding their own stuff.

I don't have nearly the issue I used to have in getting rid of physical stuff. I get rid of stuff all the time, which is why Sparky has to let me make the final cull decisions (he holds on to the weirdest stuff!) but mentally....well, THAT is a whole other question....................LOL I won't hijack any further to respond to that other than to say there is a whole crap ton of stuff I could likely benefit from letting go of mentally.


Me 52, H53
Bomb drop 9/29/2014
Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014
Marriage #2 12/31/2019
5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships)
6 grandkids
kml #2931208 03/10/22 06:50 PM
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Ooh, high school yearbooks! Not sure I'm there yet!! lol. But as I get older, I'll definitely have to rethink thingd like that and get a little closer to Swedish death cleaning.

kml #2931210 03/10/22 07:23 PM
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Originally Posted by kml
Ooh, high school yearbooks! Not sure I'm there yet!! lol. But as I get older, I'll definitely have to rethink thingd like that and get a little closer to Swedish death cleaning.

Yeah, I mean, I guess I get it. A LOT of people were surprised when I said I did that, but they sat on a shelf in a closet and I hadn't looked at them in literally years. So why just hang on to something taking up space in the closet that served literally no purpose. In this day of facebook and all other kinds of social media, I can keep up with the folks who matter to me and the rest I don't remember or care to be in contact with anyway. I also went through old pictures and threw out any that were blurry, severely faded, contained people that either of my parents would say things like "oh, I don't know....that may be MY great, great grandfather's neighbor's 2nd cousin" LOL.


Me 52, H53
Bomb drop 9/29/2014
Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014
Marriage #2 12/31/2019
5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships)
6 grandkids
kml #2931237 03/11/22 01:48 PM
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I'm in a weird position here myself with oodles of room and not much stuff so I have little real motivation to reduce things. I could probably move out of this 4 bedroom house and into a 1 bedroom apartment without having to toss much.

As he's demolishing the old farm-house, my youngest brother passed on a few of the things that my mother had kept. Old textbooks, all my old report cards etc. And yes, I have my old high-school yearbooks on a shelf around here somewhere. I'm not sure what to do with the old textbooks and such because tossing books feels like sacrilege so they're on a shelf for now. 40 year old textbooks on technology are undoubtedly rather dated although the mathematics and physics are probably still relevant unlike the law and economics texts too.

My Dad was a bit of a packrat hanging on to things because "they might be useful" which as a farmer made a lot of sense. I know that I had a stash of buckets that cat litter had come in "you never know when you might need a bucket" after-all crazy Turns out that we needed buckets at the plant and so they've been re-homed and I felt validated laugh I do laugh going around the plant - visitors must think that we have a bunch of incontinent cats. They would certainly know what the preferred brand of cat litter is.

Originally Posted by Dawn70
I also went through old pictures and threw out any that were blurry, severely faded, contained people that either of my parents would say things like "oh, I don't know....that may be MY great, great grandfather's neighbor's 2nd cousin" LOL.
One of my cousins sat down with my grandmother a number of years ago and went through pictures and wrote down who was who - usually the animals were named and the people she had more trouble remembering. I scanned them all in and shared them with the various cousins and my kids. I'm glad that that heritage that was sitting in a box in the attic of the old farm-house was able to be shared.
Originally Posted by kml
Ooh, high school yearbooks! Not sure I'm there yet!! lol. But as I get older, I'll definitely have to rethink thingd like that and get a little closer to Swedish death cleaning.
This is an interesting concept and one I can appreciate. Being a middle-aged fat guy living alone with his cat, I could theoretically pop my clogs at any time. I've had the conversations with the kids about what would need to be done and they have made it plain that other than a few things that there's nothing here they want so there's nothing much that I'm holding on to to pass on.

Perhaps that's one of the traps that some people fall into - accumulating things to pass on vs having things that they love and enjoy. I know that my ex in-laws made a big deal about who was supposed to get what. I was sooo glad to not be part of that sh!t-show when they passed. Certainly would have been quite the introduction into that dysfunction for OM though. I still get some feelings of satisfaction that that relationship was dragged out into the light where many of her relatives wouldn't have had any clue that anything had happened.


On BD
H52, W50
T27, M26
S21, D23
BD-9-Mar-16
D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18
I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good.
But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
kml #2931347 03/15/22 12:09 AM
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Had a nice visit with my youngest son this weekend. We had a good heart-to-heart chat about his current girlfriend - I think he's going to break up with her. It seemed well thought out and calm, which is a change for him - previous relationships often were ones where he was dumped and clung on with WAY too much OCD texting, or there was some fiery ending. In this relationship he is just seeing that their fights seem to repeat themselves, and that when he tries to discuss their differences and how to better handle things, she just deflects, deflects, deflects.

He's also seeing that she's impulsive in a rather immature way - and somewhat controlling. Example: she wanted him to start parting his hair differently. Now - first of all, my son is VERY fashion conscious, so he's definitely NOT doing anything with his hair that isn't totally cool. Second - he HAS to part his hair on that side because he has a cute little cowlick smack dab in the middle of his hairline. His hair looks just FINE! If that was the only thing I'd say no big deal, but apparently this is just emblematic of other things that are also very controlling. Like she doesn't want to stay at his place because it's too messy - I gotta tell you, I defy you to find a house with 3 young men that looks neater than theirs! Everything in its place, everyone takes their shoes off when they enter the house, nicely decorated, well organized - it looks great! So he stays at her place all the time, and then if they come to his house and it IS messy, it's hardly his fault, because he hasn't been there!

They've only been dating for about 7-8 months, and while on paper they seemed to be a good match, he feels it's clear that this is not going to be a good fit for him long term, and he doesn't feel it would be fair to keep the relationship going. She meanwhile lost a roommate and tried to talk him into moving in somewhere new with her (umm, no).

I'm proud of him that he seems to have tried to resolve their differences in a mature way, and is seeing that they may not be a good enough fit for a long term relationship. And mature enough to see that, although he doesn't want to hurt her feelings, it would be worse if he lets the relationship continue too long. And glad that he feels close enough to me to talk this all out.

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