So I wanted to bring this up and since I don't have a thread I will ask the question here. Does Sandi's pages and pages of writings on waywards actually help people? Quite frankly after reading those pages why would you ever want the woman back?
I'm divorced now so it didn't help in the sense of "saving my marriage", but it did give me a much better understanding of the mindset and quite frankly what she wrote closely lined up with what my W thought and said behind my back (even if that was hard for me to comprehend).
Me:39 Ex-W:37 M:7 T: 9 S:6 D:3 BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20 OM1 affair ends: May '20 W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20 W files for D: Jul20 OM2 confirmed: 9/2020 Divorced: May '21
Does Sandi's pages and pages of writings on waywards actually help people?
I believe it helped me gain an intellectual understanding and answer some questions about my X's behavior. I will never know the real truth. I am just as guilty of letting the marriage fail as my X. Both of us were ignorant in the ways to truly make it work.
Originally Posted by LH19
Quite frankly after reading those pages why would you ever want the woman back?
Someone else will have to talk about the "together at last" stage. I would think if you make it through all the hell and fix the R, it might be something good. I have to trust other peoples experience of this.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
[quote=Ready2ChangeI believe it helped me gain an intellectual understanding and answer some questions about my X's behavior. I will never know the real truth. I am just as guilty of letting the marriage fail as my X. Both of us were ignorant in the ways to truly make it work. [/quote]
The insight that sandi provided in my sitch was invaluable. Her writings and direct guidance in my threads was almost a carbon copy of what my W was saying and doing. What sandi went through in her waywardness really was very very similar to my W. Even down to the religious and church aspect of it. Obviously, as with EVERTYHING in life, there is no one size fits all. So I can see that her perspective may not be such an exact fit as it was in my situation. R2C I gather that is what you meant by "t helped me gain an intellectual understanding and answer some questions about my X's behavior". But sandi's fog, as she described it was spot on for my W's.
Not every spouse that comes here is a WS. And then there is the gender aspect of sandi's advice (WWs and WHs do not follow the same MO). But as for me and my situation, sandi was a God send. I truly believe I found this forum and she found my thread by the providence of God.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I think it is very useful in that it gives the LBS an understanding of what's happening and guidance on what to expect. It certainly helped me find peace of mind and that gave me some solace. Of course, it didn't help me "save my marriage." But I think that there are more people that use this advice to save their marriages than we realize. I imagine it's useful to them.
I think there are several answers. Sandi's posts taught me alot about life, women, why people do things. Lots of street smarts to gain.
I also think it gave me false hope. If I follow DB and Sandi to the T, my marriage can be saved. While I think everything happened as it should've and I'm incredibly lucky the D happened exactly when it did for reasons that would too much reveal some anonymity; I could've done without the false hope.
BUT, LH, Steve, vets warned me of that. Couldn't listen at the time. Did not compute.
H37, W37 D4, S2 ILYBNILWY 9/19 BD 9/19 EA discovered 10/19 Currently in limbo, no D or S process initiated
I think there are several answers. Sandi's posts taught me alot about life, women, why people do things. Lots of street smarts to gain.
I also think it gave me false hope. If I follow DB and Sandi to the T, my marriage can be saved. While I think everything happened as it should've and I'm incredibly lucky the D happened exactly when it did for reasons that would too much reveal some anonymity; I could've done without the false hope.
BUT, LH, Steve, vets warned me of that. Couldn't listen at the time. Did not compute.
Core, don't be too hard on yourself in that regard. Most of us come here looking for THE thing to say or do to make our WASs change their minds. I think it takes us as LBSs a while to come to grips to the idea that there is nothing we can do, it is out of our control. We can DB to give ourselves the best chance at that outcome, but it ultimately comes down to whether or not the WAS WANTS to change their mind.
So we all struggled with that. sandi's insights into why a WW did and said what they did and said sure was helpful, but you are right, it was no guarantee of saving the MR. I still argue for LBHs with a WW that sandi's insights give you the best chance of saving your MR, but still no guarantee.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I also think it gave me false hope. If I follow DB and Sandi to the T, my marriage can be saved..... I could've done without the false hope....BUT, LH, Steve, vets warned me of that. Couldn't listen at the time. Did not compute.
I believe DR was written to give better expectations than DB. That is why I recommend reading DR vs DB.
Each of us comes here with a certain belief system in place. Challenging those beliefs to help see the "truth" takes time. Some come with "false hope" and others with "false despair". Non of us know what will happen in the future, so the best we can do is make positive changes to our behavior. If the spouse has a change of heart or not, we are better equipped to deal with the challenges we face in relationships. All the skills I learned dealing with my X translate into better relationships with everyone else as well.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
