2 years later and we are still talking about blocking/muting your Exs texts. Seems kind of nuts right?
I was thinking the same exact thing. Definition of insanity.
I 100% get it!
He doesn't email.
He is in this minimalist lifestyle. He does not have cable or internet and last I heard he says he is going back to a flip phone.
Texting is all I got.
But I have muted him so I'm not getting notifications. I actually check my email multiple times a day versus I would only check muted texts 2-3 times a week. I mean its like tomato/tamatoe
About 5 years ago when I was in thick of my situation there was another poster here who I became really good friends with outside of the board. We are still friends to this day and text with each other often.
She could not let go of her ex-husband. She continued to sleep with him even when he was living with OW. She did this for 4 years hoping it would draw him back in. She became the OW and he happily took advantage of the situation. There was absolutely nothing I could do to talk sense into her so I just let her live her life how she saw fit.
About a year ago, she became bored of the situation and decided to move on with her life. She blocked him and went NC. About 3 months later, he became obsessed with her. He even dumped his fiance as a sign of his commitment. By then it was too late, and she had lost all feelings for him. But he does still check in every few weeks and ask her out, to no avail.
It pretty ironic how when you truly let them go (and mean it), they often come back around.
About 5 years ago when I was in thick of my situation there was another poster here who I became really good friends with outside of the board. We are still friends to this day and text with each other often.
She could not let go of her ex-husband. She continued to sleep with him even when he was living with OW. She did this for 4 years hoping it would draw him back in. She became the OW and he happily took advantage of the situation. There was absolutely nothing I could do to talk sense into her so I just let her live her life how she saw fit.
About a year ago, she became bored of the situation and decided to move on with her life. She blocked him and went NC. About 3 months later, he became obsessed with her. He even dumped his fiance as a sign of his commitment. By then it was too late, and she had lost all feelings for him. But he does still check in every few weeks and ask her out, to no avail.
It pretty ironic how when you truly let them go (and mean it), they often come back around.
I very much appreciate the insight!!!
If it weren't for the last 2 business items - 1 is just complicated with lots of hoops and trying to hire a lawyer out of state that you've never met and 2 will require that XH, myself and my son all be present for -- hopefully that is done by summer time, I would definitely go NC. These are the last 2 things on the D that have to be checked off.
The 30 day detox is NOT trying to get him to miss me. It really is because I'm just at a hard place emotionally after yesterday. Just 2mo ago this was all light hearted fun but not yesterday.
I'm serious when I say that we have not gone more than 10 days in the last 2+yr without contact. I get to a place where I realize its been several days and I won't lie, I get anxious but then he checks in... and then I really get anxious because is it ever going to be over??? Its like both things make me anxious.
Despite all that has happened when we are in person together, it just flows. Like no time has passed. There is no naked awkwardness because you know that person flaws and all. We can sit in the jacuzzi bath just talking and I'm like - that's a new mole on your shoulder. There becomes a weird type of comfort there.
But, I don't want to stay stuck here.
As they say sh*t or get off the pot!
I need to find my peace. I need to stop counting those 10 days.
He is in this minimalist lifestyle. He does not have cable or internet and last I heard he says he is going back to a flip phone.
I am not saying this isn't correct info but you could still also implement an email policy. His minimalist is not your problem. If he absolutely NEEDED to get in touch with you. He would.
Originally Posted by KitCat
If it weren't for the last 2 business items - 1 is just complicated with lots of hoops and trying to hire a lawyer out of state that you've never met and 2 will require that XH, myself and my son all be present for -- hopefully that is done by summer time, I would definitely go NC. These are the last 2 things on the D that have to be checked off..
You can still go NC other than business stuff. It requires you to set boundaries though which you struggle with (which is okay). Not just for him but for yourself.
Originally Posted by KitCat
I'm serious when I say that we have not gone more than 10 days in the last 2+yr without contact. I get to a place where I realize its been several days and I won't lie, I get anxious but then he checks in... and then I really get anxious because is it ever going to be over??? Its like both things make me anxious.
This makes sense. Change is uncomfortable. So is the unknown. It took me months to be okay with NC. Texts, Emails, Phone calls just wrecked my week... eventually the time got shorter but the emotions never clearly went away... finally I just got tired of being in emotional pain. I hope this isn't the case for you... that nothing changes until the hurt gets too much... but sometimes that is life and the only way we listen.
Originally Posted by KitCat
But, I don't want to stay stuck here.
As they say sh*t or get off the pot!
I need to find my peace. I need to stop counting those 10 days.
This is 100% in your control but it involves digging deep within to see why you are doing this. Be brave.. and know that whatever reason you may have is okay. Loss of your most intimate relationship is devastating. Learning to cope, heal, grow, move forward... is a two step forward/one step back process
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
He is in this minimalist lifestyle. He does not have cable or internet and last I heard he says he is going back to a flip phone.
I am not saying this isn't correct info but you could still also implement an email policy. His minimalist is not your problem. If he absolutely NEEDED to get in touch with you. He would.
I hear you. But then the default would be calling me OR calling me at work. I'd just prefer the text as its much less invasive and easier to mute. Despite the impression I give here I do ignore a lot of texts. I never responded to the "happy valentines day".
Quote
Originally Posted by KitCat
If it weren't for the last 2 business items - 1 is just complicated with lots of hoops and trying to hire a lawyer out of state that you've never met and 2 will require that XH, myself and my son all be present for -- hopefully that is done by summer time, I would definitely go NC. These are the last 2 things on the D that have to be checked off..
You can still go NC other than business stuff. It requires you to set boundaries though which you struggle with (which is okay). Not just for him but for yourself.
Yes - that's what I meant to say. I'm only addressing business items if absolutely necessary. Where he would text commentary "this is a pain in the *(^#@" and I would validate his frustration by stating "yes, I can see that it is". I will not reply unless its a direct question that I need to answer to finish the business.
I'm fine and I will be fine.
Tuesday text conversations just threw me for a loop and right now I'm just angry - not so much at my XH. I'm just really angry at someone else. I just need to sit with my feelings for a bit, process and find away to let that anger go. I know that their behavior is a reflection of who they truly are and nothing at all to do with me at this point.
On one hand this weekend was a particularly hard one for me to get through. No reason to go into details but I got through it - this is a milestone with XH. If I gave it any thought I recognized my thought and feeling and moved forward.
On the other it was also particularly frustrating. While I heard from pilot as he responded to my apology I'm still left scratching my head over this misunderstanding. Like if we could just actually talk in person and not via text maybe the misunderstanding could be seen for what it is - a lapse in effective communication. So that makes me sad for sure. I'm not going to chase him.
I leave for my trip on Friday. Its still up in the air if my friend is going to be able to come too given her current family issues. I did just check with the resort that it is not pet friendly. I had arrangements for my dog already but felt that if my friend didn't make he would be a good second wingman!
I'm trying to have zero expectations in regards to pilot. My new mantra... if he wanted to, he would.
So he was coming home from a long week out of town and asked about meeting up eluding to also having sex.
I replied that I was available Saturday but I was looking for more than a hook up. When he got back to me the next day he stated no one said anything about a hook up and that me wanted to make me cum multiple times.
NOW - I get it. We've dated before, but we've only been on 2 dates. While I'm wildly attracted to him and have had a very sexual relationship before, I'm just moving more cautiously. I don't want to screw this up. You know from my past posts that I have no issue being wild and daring. I've sent him plenty of visual texts in the past, etc.
I let him know I did not want to say "no" to his offer but that I was looking for more. For an example I just stated I'd like to know what the weirdest part of his week was or what kind of goals for summer time. This was a very poorly worded text trying to hide my insecurities... that while I truly desired him I just wasn't at the next step.
Well we are talking text messages - 7% of communication tops.
After coming home from a long week he took that to mean I could not have sex unless I asked him 50 questions? and that he had no interest in that if someone could not be willing to show up with a drink naked when he first got home and wait 24hr before questions.
Whoa... I totally get that. That was not my intent at all.
I tried apologizing for miscommunicating and just wanted to say that his expectation was not unreasonable and I had no qualms with that. I was just trying to say I was not quite ready for sex.
Again - was that me rejecting him? his advances? Trying to lighten the mood a little and to let him know I was interested I sent two explicit photos (nothing that I haven't sent before.) I totally get how that is a complete mixed message. I was never saying no to sex. I wasn't even saying I needed 4 months. We had only been out twice since he got back in touch with me. H3ll I didn't sleep with him the last time until the 4th date. Frankly, if I hadn't felt pressure I may very well have slept with him on the 3rd date but in general I don't have sex until 3 dates. I guess the rules may be different when its someone you dated before???
His response was that he was not interested in a crazy train. I clearly had no problem having sex with him while I was going through a divorce and suddenly I'm not ready for sex. He has a lot on his plate. If someone is interested in him its everything, wild sex and all or not. He is not into games.
Well, I'm not into games either. I was not asking him to wait months... I just wanted another date to get to know him again. But --- was I communicating that properly??? And, yes I'm 100% guilty of sending a mixed message. I will 100% admit I was dealing my insecurities - the D hit hard on my self esteem. I'm soon to be 53 and body image is always a woman's achilie's heel.
I feel that if we just talked - rather than I text... then he texts the next day... and then its 24hr before I text back, that this could have been resolved in a 5min conversation. I really like him... I was attracted to him a year ago and I'm attracted to him now.
Instead I have to accept that I may not hear from him again.
There is no miscommunication . He wants a hook up that requires no effort, no emotional connection. Just a sexual one.
I don’t know why you keep thinking of you say something different they will want something different. You can’t make someone want something that they don’t. Now matter how much you try to change into something you think they want.
He wants a sexual connection. That’s it. You want more.
