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KitCat #2930410 02/21/22 01:50 PM
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KK can correct me if I’m wrong. I think the pilot is a pawn in the game to win the ex back. I think the pilot could care less as long as KK is ready to go at his beckoned call.

I think there is value to retrying to make a connection with ex but you better find out quick if it’s all about sex. If not you are going to get burned bad again.

KitCat #2930413 02/21/22 02:40 PM
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Welcome back, Kit.

You certainly have always done things your own way, and if that works for you, then God Bless!

One thing that I can't help but notice is how willing you are to tolerate ExH or Pilot being disrespectful, grumpy etc, and then apologizing to them all the time. Maybe something to think about.

KitCat #2930420 02/21/22 04:36 PM
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I mean, if you have no desire to be either of their number one’s and that isn’t your true desire or end goal, all the more power to you.

If you want something serious out of either of them, and you are just taking what you can get, you might want to reevaluate

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Originally Posted by Ginger1
I mean, if you have no desire to be either of their number one’s and that isn’t your true desire or end goal, all the more power to you.

If you want something serious out of either of them, and you are just taking what you can get, you might want to reevaluate

How about just accepting that I'm currently happy living my life as it is --- not having expectations. My end goal is focusing on myself and what works for me at this current point in my life.

Maybe, I get my feelings hurt. Maybe, I don't. Maybe I'm okay because I'm not living my life outcome dependent.

KitCat #2930446 02/22/22 07:57 PM
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Hi Kit, if you're happy with how things are going, that's fantastic. Like, "Go KitCat!" I'm rooting for that happy for you. I see happy moments but also unfulfilled desires. wink

Originally Posted by KitCat
Ginger --- where is the proof that he is still with OW??? He says he is not, but frankly I would not put him at the top of authority of truth.
I read this like someone ignoring the truth--like someone buying a "Rolex" for $100 ("Where's the proof it's fake??"). I could completely understand if you said, "Any vow is between him and OW. I don't care if he's cheating on OW." or "OW cheated on me! I'm angry and want to get back at her." Your actual response sounds a bit like a head in the sand. There's smoke, but you won't worry about a fire unless it's proven. I wonder if you actually feel one of the above but aren't to admit that feeling. I wouldn't blame you if you were angry at OW and wanted to hurt her back. It's a common desire.

Originally Posted by Ginger
if you have no desire to be either of their number one’s and that isn’t your true desire or end goal, all the more power to you.
Like Ginger says, if you enjoy having sex whenever XH or Pilot want it, and are okay that's your primary value to them, this is a great path. What makes me suspect you want more is when you say things like--

Originally Posted by KitCat
I came down with COVID and life is hard enough living alone but when you are really really sick it completely bites. I have no family in the area. I had about 3 really rough days and I got very needy. I really pushed my XH. And, I got the expected "I don't care about you or what you do, its none of my business, you want to impress me then go find a new guy". I mean I get it. He was feeling pushed and reacted defensively. But, its quite clear from all the texts asking me about my day, etc in the last 4months that he does care some. He could not leave me alone on my trip because he knew I was with someone.
KitCat, ýou got COVID and were feeling sick and he told you, "I don't care about you." No, it's not obvious he cares about you. I have no friend nor acquaintance I would say that to. I do remember when I was in a dark place MANY YEARS AGO I'd tell my then GF "I don't love you." and she'd say "Oh, of course you do."?! You seem to be ignoring what he's telling you. The more obvious reason for worrying about who you're with is to keep his flow of sex and control.

KitCat, why did you not reach out to a friend instead of a guy who sees you as easy sex? Friendships are wonderful--relationships where there's mutual caring about one another. If you don't have one like that, get building. (:

Originally Posted by KitCat
I stated "Well I don't ever want to say no to that! Physical attraction is great but I really need emotional and intellectual attraction as well. Like what was the weirdest thing this week or what something you want to do this year."
KitCat, <3. You stated your needs. "I really need emotional and intellectual attraction as well." That's what I see when I read your posts--a beautiful person (vet, kind, empathetic) not getting her needs met and not on a path to get them met. The perfect response to him being a pig was radio silence. If he's on the spectrum (doesn't understand social cues) and you're still interested then be BLUNT "You're being a pig. wink You have my number when you're better rested." No expectations is cool, but you clearly have them--you state you WANT a star-shaped peg, but keep allowing square-shaped pegs, and when you hope they suddenly became star-shaped and they remind you they're square-shaped, you get hurt and apologize. I'd love to see you be more assertive so you get your needs met. Because you're awesome. I do get you're finding some happy moments along your journey and I'm glad to hear that. Supporting you and wishing you all the best.

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Originally Posted by Traveler
Hi Kit, if you're happy with how things are going, that's fantastic. Like, "Go KitCat!" I'm rooting for that happy for you. I see happy moments but also unfulfilled desires. wink

I hear ya!

Quote
Originally Posted by KitCat
Ginger --- where is the proof that he is still with OW??? He says he is not, but frankly I would not put him at the top of authority of truth.
I read this like someone ignoring the truth--like someone buying a "Rolex" for $100 ("Where's the proof it's fake??"). I could completely understand if you said, "Any vow is between him and OW. I don't care if he's cheating on OW." or "OW cheated on me! I'm angry and want to get back at her." Your actual response sounds a bit like a head in the sand. There's smoke, but you won't worry about a fire unless it's proven. I wonder if you actually feel one of the above but aren't to admit that feeling. I wouldn't blame you if you were angry at OW and wanted to hurt her back. It's a common desire.

Do I appreciate the irony that he cheated on her with me... yes... yes, I do. But, as I explained in later post. OW is not and has never been my competition. From what I am understanding he was cheating on her long before he started coming around and hooking up with me??? AGAIN, not my circus and not my monkeys. OW should have known what a broken hot mess she thought she was winning!

Quote
Originally Posted by Ginger
if you have no desire to be either of their number one’s and that isn’t your true desire or end goal, all the more power to you.
Like Ginger says, if you enjoy having sex whenever XH or Pilot want it, and are okay that's your primary value to them, this is a great path. What makes me suspect you want more is when you say things like--

So what I am saying is that I'm living life without expectations.

Would I turn down an LTR with Pilot? Nope. But, I accept where he is... and frankly he is an odd duck. If it just turned out we are just to be friends, I would be cool with that, but no sex.

Quote
Originally Posted by KitCat
I came down with COVID and life is hard enough living alone but when you are really really sick it completely bites. I have no family in the area. I had about 3 really rough days and I got very needy. I really pushed my XH. And, I got the expected "I don't care about you or what you do, its none of my business, you want to impress me then go find a new guy". I mean I get it. He was feeling pushed and reacted defensively. But, its quite clear from all the texts asking me about my day, etc in the last 4months that he does care some. He could not leave me alone on my trip because he knew I was with someone.
KitCat, ýou got COVID and were feeling sick and he told you, "I don't care about you." No, it's not obvious he cares about you. I have no friend nor acquaintance I would say that to. I do remember when I was in a dark place MANY YEARS AGO I'd tell my then GF "I don't love you." and she'd say "Oh, of course you do."?! You seem to be ignoring what he's telling you. The more obvious reason for worrying about who you're with is to keep his flow of sex and control.

I wasn't very clear. During COVID he was supportive and checking in with me. It was maybe 3-4 weeks after and I'd gotten very needy for about a week. It was more like he was angry and defensive. It was a slew of texts meant to be mean. He was looking to hurt me. Saying things like if you want to impress me to get a new nice guy... then today being upset because I have someone new on the line...


Quote
Originally Posted by KitCat
I stated "Well I don't ever want to say no to that! Physical attraction is great but I really need emotional and intellectual attraction as well. Like what was the weirdest thing this week or what something you want to do this year."
KitCat, <3. You stated your needs. "I really need emotional and intellectual attraction as well." That's what I see when I read your posts--a beautiful person (vet, kind, empathetic) not getting her needs met and not on a path to get them met. The perfect response to him being a pig was radio silence. If he's on the spectrum (doesn't understand social cues) and you're still interested then be BLUNT "You're being a pig. wink You have my number when you're better rested."

^^^^ That is EXACTLY what I should have said. 100% best response.

Instead I apologized for the miscommunication, stroked his ego, told him I'd like to see him again and if he wanted to see me again that I hoped he would reach out.

Walking away....

The universe handed me my arse today... in a harsh way.

My XH and I had been texting all day. Take a bad moment that just snowballs for 6hr. I finally had to say - just stop, I can't do this right now. He starts saying the oddest things... like I took your advice, I had in a moment of frustration a month ago said something which he interpreted to be an ultimatum from me - which it never was because one thing I've know for 12yr is that is the worst thing you do with my XH. That at least explained some behavior in the last month.

I'm honestly just emotionally exhausted.

Today was not a good day.

Tomorrow can be better.

Literally putting both these men on mute right now.

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BL42 #2930453 02/22/22 09:12 PM
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Originally Posted by BL42
KitCat,

I hear you're enjoying the sex, but to be honest reading through your update makes it sound like neither ExH or Pilot are treating you with the respect you deserve. I'd be inclined to tell them both to take a hike and wait to find someone who makes you a priority. Just my $0.02. Take it for what it's worth.


I am starting to agree and see that loud and clear!!!

LH19 #2930454 02/22/22 09:26 PM
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Originally Posted by LH19
KK can correct me if I’m wrong. I think the pilot is a pawn in the game to win the ex back. I think the pilot could care less as long as KK is ready to go at his beckoned call.

I think there is value to retrying to make a connection with ex but you better find out quick if it’s all about sex. If not you are going to get burned bad again.


I disagree that Pilot is a pawn.

I like him. I really do. I'm really attracted him. I really want to have sex but I know that if I don't go a little slow I could mess this up. And, I want to do it right this time!!! I get that its complicated because we have prior history and have had sex. I don't know what happened... We had such a nice dinner out together that ended pretty nice. To say I'm not disappointed is a lie.

It is what it is....

As for my XH. I see how much he has worked on himself... I think he has seen how much I've worked on things. I need to sleep on today's text exchanges. I'm not sure if the wall if coming back up or if some bricks came down. I had to walk away today because I was becoming emotionally flooded.

Right now as of this moment - I'm throwing my hands up in the air and walking away from both.

I'm going to work on packing. I leave in 10 days for a trip to Lake Geneva. I'm going to focus on myself and enjoying a disconnect from life for awhile.

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Originally Posted by Thornton
Welcome back, Kit.

You certainly have always done things your own way, and if that works for you, then God Bless!

One thing that I can't help but notice is how willing you are to tolerate ExH or Pilot being disrespectful, grumpy etc, and then apologizing to them all the time. Maybe something to think about.


Woo Hoo!!!

I've worked on stuffing it down and not reacting out of emotions. Sometimes that can cross the line of tolerating disrespectful/grumpy behaivor.

Need to find the balance for sure!

KitCat #2930466 02/23/22 10:52 AM
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KK,

So when I read your updates I get the sense by your almost clinical talk you dug deep to understand what went wrong in your marriage. For that you should be applauded.

However, (yes I know however negates everything I said above) you know these two men are unavailable for a healthy relationship but you make excuses for being available to then for their sexual pleasure. You are just kicking the can down the road. I don’t think you ever grieved your marriage because you were hyper focused on getting your H back. Like you’ve indicated, you are not getting any younger. How much more do you want to chase these dead ends?

As for your Exh, he sounds like the same ahole he always was in the past. Still cheating, still disregarding your feelings. So he quit smoking and didn’t road rage one day. Wow!

Enjoy your trip and really think about how you want to live the rest of your life.

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