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#2930361 02/20/22 01:44 PM
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Last edited by Stella20; 02/20/22 01:46 PM.
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Originally Posted by Elbereth
I should get alimony or a lump sum instead, what value some of the money would have if other considerations are considered (withdrawal fees, etc).
I know in my own settlement that I investigated what a lump sum payment would be and was told it would be in the 7 figures. I make very low 6. My total spend on what my lawyer thought was a really great deal will be in the neighbourhood of about $250k over the 6 1/2 years that the agreement will be in force for including what it cost me to buy her out of the marital home. In some ways I was fortunate to be able to buy her out before the current housing bubble hit.

I could have rolled the dice and paid more monthly up front and then taken her back to court to modify the agreement once she and OM were official but my lawyer wisely counseled me not to. "People lie" she said.

Not sure if she had inside information or not (all the lawyers in these small towns know each other) but as it turns out I doubt if I would have had an argument that being with OM meant that she was financially stable so might have been stuck with higher support payments anyway plus the pain of going back to court regularly for modifications.

Where I'm trying to go is - get good advice from professionals and go with your head and long term interests in mind and not your heart or anger. For me, the fact that I have a deal that will not suddenly change under-foot is a big positive and allows me - and I presume my xW - to make long term plans regardless of changes in the circumstances of the other party. Others might be tempted to roll the dice - and certainly none of us can predict the future as is attested to by the fact that we're here talking about this sort of stuff crazy


On BD
H52, W50
T27, M26
S21, D23
BD-9-Mar-16
D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18
I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good.
But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
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Off to lunch on the farm with my Brother and family. Probably a good thing. Thinking about H this morning and really want to reach out, and I want to see him to talk to him to hold him. i know everyone says it gets better. I don't see that right now. I miss him every second of ever day. I hate what he is doing. I don't want a life without him. God this hurts. Why isn't our love stronger than this? How he dosent miss me and our life, I undersand MLC, but just don't understand how H can not see through this fog he is in. He is/ was one of the smartest most level headed people I knew. I keep thinking maybe that person is still in there somewhere.

But he has been drunk ever weekend since he left, hell he has been drunk ever weekend for the last 9 months. Drinking can really destroy a person and there life. I guess partying is more important that his life.
Talked with a girlfriend yesterday, trying to set me up. No!! I have zero intrest. So sat a thought about that last night too.

Hate my life right now, all the years of love and happiness, just gone for no good reason.

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I really hope you try alanon.


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D Final 12/23/16

"There's something awfully screwy going on around here!"

Walk along the side of the road with a bag & you're gonna end up with a lot of trash!
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Hi Bttrfly, yes I am going to try another group, the first one I was in just didn't feel right.

Just got back, it was a beautiful day, went on a horse drawn slay ride through the woods. The horses where Belguim something... What a magnificent animial. It is almost 50 here right now, it was nice to get out and get some fresh air and be in nature. Total gave me spring fever. But tomorrow will bing a cold front and a 2 day snow storm. Back to winter...ugh.

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No contact yesterday, really thought I was going to break. Going out with my family helped alot. I picked up my niece and we had a hour and a half drive each way to the farm. We had good talks there and back. Made plans for everyone to come to the pool this summer.

After I dropped her off I cried the rest of the way home. I wanted to talk to H about what a great day I had, how beatiful the country side was, the horses and the barn cats. I wanted to share my day with him. But I can't, he dosen't care about my day, dosen't care that I miss him or that he is tearing me appart. He just doesn't care, after 21 years.... Why would he care, he has OW to hang out with and share his life with now, I am nothing to him.

Later last night I had a, thats it moment and felt better for a while. Felt like..screw him, I am done, he doesn't deserve my thoughts, he doesn't deserve me. Started to focus on all of the bad in him, the selfishness, the world revolves around him. Everything and anything in our marriage that would make me angry and see him for what he has become. I wanted to just let go and not care. This is his choice, nothing I can do about it. Felt some strength, then bam... gone this morning.

I need so need it to be spring so I can get outside an stay busy.

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((Stella)) Good job on the no contact. It's hard.


On BD
H52, W50
T27, M26
S21, D23
BD-9-Mar-16
D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18
I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good.
But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
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Good Morning Stella

Good job! I’m proud of you.

No contact is so difficult when first starting out. You are crafting new pathways in your mind; a better (not bitter smile ) way of thinking and feeling. All of which is influencing your convictions.

You did perfectly, felt the anger - screw him, I am done, he doesn't deserve my thoughts, he doesn't deserve me - and then let it go. You didn’t act upon it. Very well done indeed.

Feelings are fleeting. Let them flit and find your inner self.

These moments will rise and fall. Each time, when not reinforced, becoming less in amplitude and frequency.

Continue walking the path. You so got this.

D


Now: Me54 XW51 S25 S23 S21 D20

Oct 8/17-BD, Moves in w/OM, Leaves Kids
Me49 W46 S20 S19 S16 D15
M26 T29
Dec 9/17-Legal Separation
Oct 3/18-W Files
Apr 6/19-Divorced

Love the Sinner, Forgive the Sin.
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And epic fail just now....
H called and like a idiot, I answered. I should not have answered, I know...Kept calm for most of it, should have ended the convo, but nooooo I had to push it. So mad at myself right now, like I just had to dig for more pain. WTF is wrong with me. I have no will power when it comes to H.

So of course I brought up our M, R and D. Everything I should not have. My frustration with him and this whole sitch, just got the better of me...ugh!!!!! As to be expected, H shut down, I ask a question and he goes silent, would not answer any questions, said he thought I had moved on already, I told him I had not slept with anyone. Asked him if he really thought that my love for him was that shallow, he said no. Said he would always care for me and he "thinks about everything all the time" I asked what he ment by that, "just everything" ok a no answer answer...

The tipping point for me was when he brought up a friends XW who just got married over the weekend to a man she had a A with. This man use to work with H, I know both of them. This man is a trainwreck, hasnt been able to hold down a job or be faithful to the friends XW, but they got married anyway. My H said he told the XH(whom he is really good friends with) about the wedding and the issues with the new H. Said he thought his friend would like to know what a trainwreck his XW and new H are and have been and will be. To give his friend a feel good moment..... This frustrated the sh!t out of me. Seriously he can see it in others but not himself. WTF!!!!! So he can see how bad that turned out but can't look at his own [censored] show.

I know He has convinced himself that he is really in love with OW. I need to just let go, I need to just give up. But no, what do I do, tell him that in my gut I can't give up on us. OMG could I have been anymore pathetic.

Why am I so weak with him. Like anything I say will ever make a difference. I know it won't, but stupid me just had to try. I am so frustrated with myself. I told him, that I missed him and that we were still a option, that it was not to late. That our M was worth more than his A, that we know each other better than anyone else knows us, after 21 years together you don't just through that away... and I just get silence..... Dumb, dumb, dumb......

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S,

Don’t be so hard on yourself. We all have setbacks. Get up, dust yourself off and restart the clock.

T


Me55 (53@BD)
W52 (50@BD)
S22 (20@BD) S20 (19@BD)
Married 23 Together 28
BD 9/29/19 (came home from weekend fishing trip and wife had moved out with no warning)
W filed 10/19/20 (Informed me via text)
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