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I do think a big chunk of this really should be sorted out in IC. It feels like you are having a difficult time understanding how to self differentiate in a relationship with out boxing yourself out completely, in to my family and your family. I also feel like there's some insecurity and jealousy bubbling under the surface, and it's not cute.

Another aspect I'm wondering is what your parenting support system looks like. Do you have other single parent friends? Do you have other parent friends? Do you have a reliable baby sitter? Nanny? Friends who love your kids? Family? You sound like you need a break and the breaks your exW gives you seem to be spent not on you. I know you feel like you need those other jobs so they are there when you want them, but freelancing and adjuncting are up to you. If the skill set exists you can very easily set it aside and come back to it if you want or need to. I don't know a single university that isn't always looking for adjuncts. And the point of freelance is to freelance. So I get it. But if you don't have time for you, I hate to tell you this but the kids aren't going to make it for you. You can either suffer in silence about burnout, or you can take some action. You're burned out. Full time single parenting is hard. It's even harder with a contentious ex. It's even harder when you're burning the candle at both ends, aren't reaching out for help, and trying to make a romantic relationship work. It honestly feels like you're beyond burnt out and moving swiftly into depression territory. <- Another great reason to get into IC if you aren't right now.

There's a really stupid motivational saying out there "everyone has the same 24 hours in a day." It's supposed to make people think they are lazy if they aren't constantly grinding, doing, making moves. The reality is, no everyone doesn't have the same 24 hours in a day, the world just doesn't work like that. And as a single parent of two if you had 36 hours in a day you still wouldn't have that same time. The fact is you have more to do, with less time, and less hands than some. You also have less to do with more money than some. That's not to shame you, that's to remind you if you can afford help, get yourself help. Let yourself have the single parent luxury of a little bit of time back, a little bit less of a mental, emotional, or physical load to carry. You're in the thick of this kid stuff. I get it. But those boys are going to be getting more and more independent faster than you can imagine, and leave dear old dad behind, and if you don't have a life outside of those kids them leaving for college will turn your world upside down. I know you have a gf, and a job, and you're an adult. But are you every fully you? Do you have hobbies? Do you do things just for yourself? Do you ever have time to grab a drink or dinner with old friends sans kids?

I know you came looking for advice about the gf and her exH. Or how to maintain a romantic relationship or just not be so annoyed with your ex and lonely but honestly I think you've been so kid focused, and survival focused, and day to day focused you've lost a lot of yourself, including your confidence and the ability to see possibility and positives. When you're feeling kinda empty and lost like this take it down to DB basics. GAL and 180s. What can you do for yourself? What can you do to change things in your life for you?

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Whew, ok, let me jump in here. First, I appreciate the time you spent to give me all of this input. Yes, I am absolutely jealous of my GFs relationship with her ex. I'm also jealous of anyone that has a good relationship with their XW/XH, as life would be infinitely better. The town my boys and I live in is very small, a "everyone knows everyone" kind of place, not a lot of single parents, maybe 10, i'm one of two dads I know of. I have plenty of parent friends that help one day a week carpooling to sports, it's a help for sure. In terms of adjunct and freelance, a few years ago I gave up the adjunct for one semester (bc of a job thing) and I lost the gig for a year, had to wait for the other person to leave on their own. I don't have much savings, and the job market is always a source of anxiety, so I try to say yes to every opportunity that comes my way.

I've been in IC with the therapist that saw my XW and I years ago, she's wonderful. The only problem is, she has been very clear that she doesn't feel that there's much she can do for me. Unfortunately, this echoes another therapist that saw me for about 6 months, who said the same thing. They are both very complimentary and tell me that I'm doing everything I should be doing and that it's more about acceptance at this point.

I'd rather not get into too much personal stuff (weird to say here after being so personal) but, yes I do have hobbies. I'm very active physically, and also have been very lucky professionally with a big hobby of mine. I do find it pretty hard to get together with old friends, they're all married with kids and usually need weeks of notice and often can't make it. I have a few very close friends that I speak with on the phone at least once a week, friends I've had for 20+ years. I'm very lucky in that regard.

I will say that you absolutely hit the nail on the head when you said I've been in survival mode for 7 1/2 years. You are 100% accurate. Yes, day to day focused, for sure. I didn't come for advice on my current GF, if that's how it came across, that's my fault. It was more a question/comment/thoughts about single parenting for so long without a partner in any capacity (current or XW). My GF and her awesome relationship with her XH just shines a light on that even brighter for me.

I really do appreciate your input on this, thank you.


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Ok, got home and finally got the chance to read though. What an interesting read!

FIrst, I will tell you, I have been at this for 14 years, the lifetime of my daughter pretty much, as my exH left when my daughter was 6 months old. He left for other woman, and was engaged ot be married shortly after the divorce was legal. They will celebrating their 11th wedding anniversary on april fools day. I have been single pretty much all throughout. Dated, had one serious relationship. She goes to his house every other weekend and one night a week. I have been handling all school, all medical, all childcare, switching jobs ot accommodate her schedule because I had had no help. I have a moved a few times and bought a house on my own in a very expensive region, all on my own. I do it all. While holding down a full time career and part time job. Activities are on my nights. It;s been lonely and challenging to say the least. I only spent her first holidays with my ex and I have never spent them with a partner since

That being said. I know it was mentioned I play mario kart with my ex and child and his wife. It took years to be able to this. We are friendly. But do we have this fantastic coaparenting relationship where we carry equal weight? Absolutely not. My ex has it good. I do all the heavy lifting. He takes her on nice vacations. We speak maybe once a week. I fill him in when needed. He has no idea what she is doing in school. Hasn't been to a parent teacher conference since first grade. We get along, are friendly, but I do all the work.

Now, my one serious boyfriend has the most awful relationship with his ex. They exchanged their child at the police station. COmmunicated via an app that is submissible to a court parent coordinator to mediate disagreements. Others simply don't have animosity, but aren't these partners in parenting.

On to your dating life. First, Kudos for having one ! You seem to be doing alot better in that area than alot of people. It seems as if you are seeing a woman who seems great. Hey, good for her to have a great coparenting relationship. I can see you are a bit jealous. Is it because you don't have that with your ex wife, or is it because you want that with her, but she has it with her ex?

When you have 2 divorces, and 2 sets of kids, families look different. Is she ever going ot be your primary partner in parenting? No. Most likely not. Will she care for your kids and you will care for hers? Yes! You can do that while she has a good good coparenting relationship with her ex!

I know I am not finding a coparent in a partner. My daughter is 14, so definitely not. WHat is important to me is a partner who can be there for me during the ups and downs of parenting. Maybe not be an active parent to my kid, but be my support. That's the super lonely part for me. NO support for me. I can handle my daughter just fine and have been for a lifetime. With my ex boyfriend, I very much loved his son. He called me "bonus mom"but really, he wanted no part in me participating in parental way. He likes that attention to himself. But I sure did love him. ANd he was great with my D, but not a dad figure. I was always there to support him in his parenting, while not parenting his child.

I understand the lonely part of parenting. It's not the phsyical stuff for me, it;s sharing the emotional. I desire a partner who could support me and hear me in that, but not have to do it. I think if you just restructure your thinking to knowing your current girlfriend can be a supportive partner to you while being a good coparent with her ex husband at the same time, you might see you have it pretty good! I

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@dejavu. thank you so much. I'm really trying to hang in, but the last 6 months have been very hard and I've noticed a palpable change in my attitude and what I'm able to handle. It feels like the dreaded Mile 20 in a marathon. I agree, my kids aren't going to need me the way they do today, but like I said, this to me is more about the lack of emotional support / partnership in being a single parent. Logistics can usually be solved with a carpool here and there, but the daily loneliness and stress is starting to really get to me in ways it hasn't before.

-mvg


As of December 2023
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S13 S10
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OM: 11/14/2014
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@ginger, thank you! Yes, our situations, at least the impetus of them, are very similar. You seem to be in a much better place of acceptance, and I hope to be there someday. Like you, I've been doing this since S8 was S1. I never thought this was going to be long term. You hit the nail on the head with the support comment. It's hard to feel like I'll ever get support I want, deserve and will reciprocate from a partner who is deeply committed to their "original" family, seems like a very big expectation on my part.


As of December 2023
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S13 S10
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@mvg, I hear the loneliness in your and gingers posts. mvg, we’ve all felt that sometimes. In the moment, it can be very hard.

Originally Posted by mvg
It's hard to feel like I'll ever get support I want, deserve and will reciprocate from a partner

That is a lot of weight to put on any parter, to fill your hole because you’re struggling solo.

Why do you have so much stress to share with a partner? I liked kml’s suggestions about seeking more help so you can GAL on your kid-free time. Where are your friends—are you being vulnerable with any about your mental state and the joys and sorrows of parenting? Your IC saying there wasn’t much more they could do probably wasn’t when you were expressing so much stress and loneliness. Those are bread and butter areas for ICs.

I didn’t have 50% time with my kids—more like 75-80%. I was primary on our legal documents. Like you, NO help with school for many, many years (7->9yrs). When my son was 1, I had a live-in au pair. 45 hours of WEEKLY help for whatever odd or end I needed. Cheap, too! I also loved that she was excited to share holidays and vacations as part of soaking up our culture. No emotional support, of course, but she shared Christmas morning. By 2, I joined a homeschool network that had an educator with a master’s degree to help see me through tough questions and other parents to share joys and sorrows and diaper techniques. Also play dates (e.g., time to chill)! They weren’t single, but some may as well have been, their husbands doing little for house or home after work. By 4 I had a (married) friend driving my daughter to school daily and several single parent friends to share the joys/hassle of managing two young kids while visiting a zoo. It sounds like you need more “help” or “social network” than you currently have. Consider being more vulnerable with friends, reaching out to those 10 other single parents, or joining a single parenting group on social media. This can be turned around, mvg. ((Hugs))

Off to meet with my single parent friend and chat about our week!

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Thank you so much for your reply. Currently, and for the last 6 years, my "kid-free" time is Saturday night and Sunday. This week, as an example, S8 has a two day swim meet and I'll be there both days volunteering. It's also the pool I swim at, so it's pretty fun and social for me as well. I've started doing laundry during the week so that's freed up some time on weekends, for sure. The cleaning crew just left, they come every other Friday, another big help. In terms of friends, my 3-4 close friends are saints. I am 100% vulnerable and honest with them, they are incredible and talk with me 3-4 times a week. I have noticed how much geography plays into this. I've met people from other towns who have huge networks of people, it's awesome. But my town has one high school, one middle school and an Acme haha, it's about as small town as it gets. I feel weird about a live in nanny but am definitely open to a college kid for after school homework help / tutoring for both boys. Never thought about a single parenting group on social media before, that sounds like something.


As of December 2023
Me: 45 XW: 43
S13 S10
ILYBINILWY: 11/14/2014
OM: 11/14/2014
D process: 12/14/2014
D final: 04/2015
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mvg,
Originally Posted by mvg
Single parenting is incredibly lonely. Prior to meeting my XW, I never imagined divorce in my life. After the divorce, I never thought I'd be 7 1/2 years in and still alone.
Although you're 5 years ahead of me, I can certainly relate. I've certainly felt at times over the last 2 years it'd be nice to have a partner. After all, that's what we signed up for.

Originally Posted by mvg
I've been the primary parent (M-F + one weekend a month + sports on weekends) for almost all of my divorced life and while it has created an amazing bond between me and my two boys, it's also left me with 7 1/2 years of lonely "adult" memories. What I mean by that is, I've had 7 1/2 years of birthdays, holidays, first and last days of school, stomach bugs, swim meets, field trips, late night wake ups and everything in between, without another adult to share those experiences with. Not only are the big things lonely, but the day to day stuff is emotionally and physically draining. Simple stuff like, daily homework, dinner, laundry, practices, all while working a FT job and two PT jobs seems almost impossible on some days.
So legally my ExW and I have 50/50, but in practice (by day if not "sleeps") I'm much more involved in the kids' lives than her. For example, this week I'll be with them Mon, Wed & Fri even though it's "her week". That said, it's certainly more of an "even"/shared situation than yours.

It's interesting. There are definitely times I've wished I could be a primary or even sole provider, not only to not miss out on the kids' lives but also because I've been the more stable and engaged parent and believe the kids would be better off under my care (though maybe she's turning a corner there). Anyway, there are other times I'm pretty beat and admittedly welcome the relief of a transition over to ExW. I can imagine 7 1/2 years of being the primary could wear you down, especially without a partner to share it with.

Originally Posted by mvg
I am still just as much hated, if not more, as I was during my marriage and since D Day. XW still takes me to mediation to argue extremely mundane and irrelevant details, still counts hours, still sends me harassing texts, etc etc.
Why do you think that is? Remember, a person's poor behavior towards you is more of a reflection of them than you.

Originally Posted by mvg
@kml Years ago, XW went through the calendar, day by day, hour by hour (literally with a spreadsheet of "awake" and "asleep" hours) to make sure it's technically 50-50 to the hour, over the calendar year, NOT the school year. So during the summer, she gets extra time, etc, but has zero responsibility when it comes to the school week/year (homework, lunches, playing, sports, bedtimes, etc)
I'm confused, are you the primary parent or is it a 50/50 split? What does your divorce agreement actually say in regards to custody? It doesn't seem fair you have them the schedule you do with all the responsibilities during the school year only to have her get them a majority of the Summer break to go on vacations and enjoy the pool (or whatever). Maybe something to push back on or revisit.

Originally Posted by mvg
Meanwhile, my ex told S11 a few weeks ago about a bad math test score, "You and daddy can figure it out, you're with him during the week"
I know it's a lot harder on you, but you're doing the right thing by digging down and being their rock in terms of homework and sports and whatever else. Keep it up. Not only do your sons deserve it, but you'll be glad you did for your on sake.


Originally Posted by LH19
Originally Posted by Traveler
I'm going to say something to you I wish someone told me years ago. You ARE in a family. YOUR FAMILY consists of YOU and YOUR KIDS. Once upon a time, you may have had a fantasy that your family would be 4 loving grandparents, 2 loving parents, your wife, your 2.5 kids, and Lassie. Your family looks different. It's still a family. If you need other examples of non-nuclear families, watch Guardians of the Galaxy or The Eternals or Cruella or Encanto. Some of these are even good movies, and movies your kids may enjoy. Warning - The Eternals drags a bit, especially for younger kids.

Is it your life situation sinking your relationships, or your desire for your partner to fill that nuclear family HOLE in your soul? In the past, I put pressure on my partners to fill that role. It's taken a long time to appreciate that what I have is complete and special, and to appreciate the people I date for what unique things they happen to add to my life. Because if my life is complete solo, anything they do happen to add is a boost beyond what I had before. (:
CWs this may have been your best post ever.
Agreed. Great post. Your ExW's decisions were/are out of your control, but you and your sons are a family.


Originally Posted by mvg
I started with a cleaning company about a two years ago, 2x a month, that helped for sure.
Yes! My cleaner has been amazing, and let me focus on my important priorities (most importantly the kids).

Originally Posted by mvg
S8 had to draw a pic of his family for school back in September when they went back in person. On the right side of the paper, he drew himself, me and S11 holding hands. The middle of the page had a thick black line drawn down the middle. On the left side of the page, he drew his mom, step dad, and his step siblings. That hit really hard and was an extra bolt of caffeine to keep me going during this marathon of single parenting.
That's both validating and heartbreaking at the same time. I know I've been anxious as a parent for situations where S6 has to draw or describe his family. I don't want that to be a source of anxiety or embarrassment for him. There was one assignment he wrote "my family" and didn't have a picture by it. Could've been he didn't have time or get to it, or might've been he didn't want to deal with the thoughts? I don't know. I do know on several of his story writing assignments he's written about skiing, or playing soccer, or going on a beach vacation with "daddy" but doesn't seem to do those about mommy. Unfortunate for him & her if that's the case, but it is validating for me I'm able to stay so involved and really be his dad despite the D.

Originally Posted by mvg
Yep. And I'm not sure that unique to my situation. In the meantime, single parenting, after 7 1/2 years, is really becoming challenging and lonely. That's my story.
Challenging and lonely. Certainly two apt words to describe it. Hang in there.

Originally Posted by LH19
I just ended a relationship with someone who wanted to know where this was going. She had a boy 15 and a boy 10. I thought to myself there is no way in he double hockey sticks I was moving 2 boys who she had 90% custody of in with me while my daughter is in high school.
LH - This is a challenge I haven't had to deal with yet, both because my kids are so young and because I haven't really dated much, but with both a son and a daughter it could be a sticky situation down the line if I date a woman with similar aged kids...having non-related teens in the house. Not sure how I'd deal with that. A complication certainly people need to be aware of.

Originally Posted by DejaVu6
It would be one thing if he and I had divorced for a different reason and he had met her afterwards but given how things happened, that's not a road I can see myself going down anytime soon, if ever.
I hear that!

Originally Posted by wayfarer
But if you don't have time for you, I hate to tell you this but the kids aren't going to make it for you. You can either suffer in silence about burnout, or you can take some action.

You're in the thick of this kid stuff. I get it. But those boys are going to be getting more and more independent faster than you can imagine, and leave dear old dad behind, and if you don't have a life outside of those kids them leaving for college will turn your world upside down.

When you're feeling kinda empty and lost like this take it down to DB basics. GAL and 180s. What can you do for yourself? What can you do to change things in your life for you?
Wayfarer makes a great point on avoiding burnout and taking time to make yourself a priority as well.


Originally Posted by mvg
I've been in IC with the therapist that saw my XW and I years ago, she's wonderful. The only problem is, she has been very clear that she doesn't feel that there's much she can do for me. Unfortunately, this echoes another therapist that saw me for about 6 months, who said the same thing. They are both very complimentary and tell me that I'm doing everything I should be doing and that it's more about acceptance at this point.
That's the reason I stopped IC. My IC kept saying I was doing all the right things and wasn't sure how else she could help me but would listen and validate. Almost seemed like she thought I shouldn't be there anymore.

Originally Posted by Ginger1
I have been at this for 14 years, the lifetime of my daughter pretty much, as my exH left when my daughter was 6 months old. He left for other woman, and was engaged ot be married shortly after the divorce was legal.
Great comfort in knowing so many other people are in the same boat with spouses leaving when their kids are still in diapers :-/

Originally Posted by Ginger1
I understand the lonely part of parenting. It's not the phsyical stuff for me, it;s sharing the emotional. I desire a partner who could support me and hear me in that, but not have to do it. I think if you just restructure your thinking to knowing your current girlfriend can be a supportive partner to you while being a good coparent with her ex husband at the same time, you might see you have it pretty good! I
Ginger makes a great point.


Originally Posted by mvg
Currently, and for the last 6 years, my "kid-free" time is Saturday night and Sunday. This week, as an example, S8 has a two day swim meet and I'll be there both days volunteering. It's also the pool I swim at, so it's pretty fun and social for me as well.
I think it's great you volunteer for S8's sports. I started coaching now-S6's soccer and baseball teams as a way to stay involved in his life even on my "off" weeks, but besides that have thoroughly enjoyed it and it's helped me meet other parents plus all the kids call my "coach" at practice, games, and even school drop-offs/pick-ups! Just remember to make yourself a priority at times too.


Great discussion you started here, mvg! Hang in there...sounds like you're a fantastic father...keep it up!


Me:39 Ex-W:37
M:7 T: 9
S:6 D:3
BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20
OM1 affair ends: May '20
W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20
W files for D: Jul20
OM2 confirmed: 9/2020
Divorced: May '21
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