G - since you’re going on the date, let’s see if you can give him the benefit of the doubt until you meet him. Maybe focus on what you’d like to know more about. There must have been something you thought attractive initially - what was that?
And although usually talking about exes on a first date is a no no - I’d be curious about this whole custody in exchange for alimony swap. That does strike me as odd.
What else do you know about this guy? What does he do for a living?
Now having said that OLD is still frustrating for me at times but not enough for me to give it up.
No, not yet. But give it time. It took myself, ginger and others time to get to the point we’ve gotten to.
Originally Posted by LH19
Probably why I am still single. Although I don't complain about it.
Again, not yet. If this continues for another 5 years let’s see how you feel. Again, myself, ginger and others didn’t complain as much several years into post D dating either. It’s nearing or into double digits where it gets really really old. N the plus side we’ve not yet settled.
Originally Posted by LH19
You're a good person. Most people would ghost.
You are beyond correct on this one. In fact this guy may be so over the top excited because after being ignored, turned down and ghosted, he’s actually got an actual date with an actual good looking woman. He’s so over the moon about it he burned a vacation day for it. Sadly most or at least many would just ghost him. Some would just not show up. Ginger is not like any of these more typical OLDrs - thankfully.
DonH Midwest Me 56 WAW-EXW 55 Met 11/95 / Married 5/00 Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06 4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
It took myself, ginger and others time to get to the point we’ve gotten to.
If I do it as long as Ginger I will have to transfer to the Silver Singles App lol.
Originally Posted by DonH
In fact this guy may be so over the top excited because after being ignored, turned down and ghosted, he’s actually got an actual date with an actual good looking woman. He’s so over the moon about it he burned a vacation day for it.
Interesting. Fine line between Don's take or him being desperate and needy.
CW what is so bad about this guy that you wouldn’t give him the time of day?
It's Ginger's feelings that matter. Choosing $$$ over his family? That's as at odds with Ginger's values as it is with mine.
As for the other bits, you and I know Ginger is a sweet woman who desperately wants to connect despite her quick-to-NEXT shell. Mr-Saves-Alimony doesn't know that! So he comes across as desperate or insincere when he does the following-8:10am (likely scheduled) good morning texts, taking the day off work, and expressing being super-excited. I'm leaning toward desperate based on his unoriginal date plan (chain restaurant) and waffling on the details.
My point was that if Ginger predetermined it's a no, it would be kinder not to meet. If she meets, I hope it's with curiosity about the top 1-3 things giving her hope and pause to minimize misunderstandings, so if he could be a match there's a date #2. And try to enjoy it for what it is--a simple evening out having fun, presumably with a handsome guy. (:
I’m supposed to meet him Thursday and my stomach is actually turning at the thought.
FWIW…that’s how I felt before my date with VP and I had a decent time. However, he was not over the top with daily texts and seemed aware of how to communicate interest without coming across as needy or insecure. If I were you, I”d probably go on my gut with this one but I do get why you feel compelled to follow through. Hopefully you are pleasantly surprised.
LH - 1 in 120?? In my experience, it’s more like 1 in 200. Honestly…the number of profiles on OLD of guys who will likely never hear back from anyone is astounding. People are not good at putting their best foot forward. Bad pictures, negative profile, misspelled and borderline illiterate write-ups or none at all. Someone has to really stand out for me to want to put forth enough effort to try to forge a connection… and by standout, I mean, decent pictures, positive profile free of f’bombs and other derogatory words, readable and giving you a tiny idea of who they are as people. I don’t think it’s that hard to do so I’m amazed at how most of the profiles fall way short of this. It’s like they want to be single for the rest of their lives.
Originally Posted by Traveller
My point was that if Ginger predetermined it's a no, it would be kinder not to meet. If she meets, I hope it's with curiosity about the top 1-3 things giving her hope and pause to minimize misunderstandings, so if he could be a match there's a date #2. And try to enjoy it for what it is--a simple evening out having fun, presumably with a handsome guy. (:
I’m on the fence about what is kinder. I do know, 100%, that ghosting is not the kind thing to do which is why I am always honest with the other person if we’ve communicated enough that we’ve either had a face-to-face meeting or planned one. If I exchange a text or two with someone on an app and they say something that is so off putting I don’t want to respond, I just delete them. Pretty sure it only bugs them for about five minutes or so…lol.
Originally Posted by Traveller
It's Ginger's feelings that matter. Choosing $$$ over his family? That's as at odds with Ginger's values as it is with mine.
I wouldn’t assume this. That was VP’s situation with his kids and he said it was because when they divorced, it made more sense given how much his XW was home compared to how much he was home. They were also living in different towns at the time which, although not too far apart, it was enough that it would have created some significant issues with getting them to school on time, etc… Now that he lives in the same town as them, he says he would prefer 50/50 but his kids are used to the arrangement (they are teens now) and they prefer it. He only lives a five minute walk away, however, so they can stop by whenever they want (they often do when they are walking their dog) and when they are with him, they are his total focus. He also goes to their extracurricular activities and helps to get them there. So I wouldn’t assume he is less of a dad because he doesn’t share custody or that he chose that arrangements for selfish reasons. Sometimes it just works better for the kids. They don’t have to be living with you for you to be an involved father.
I feel for you Ginger. I know how tough it is trying to make a connection from nothing. I feel for this guy too. It could be he was accused of being too standoffish in the past and is trying to be different although I would probably be feeling the same way if I was you and getting an 8:10 text every morning without having met face to face yet. If you had met already and you really liked him, I’m sure you would look at the daily text a lot differently. I know I would.
G, 100% agree that you have to be you..warts and all in a relationship. Not necessarily right at the beginning...you have to feel secure enough in the other person to be able to trust you can do that.
I, on the other hand, put it all out there right away. LOL. It was part of my growth. It sure could have failed because let's face it, I got stuff. Still do. That isnt for everyone for sure.
Knowing that you want to be more true to who you are is the first step. The ability to do that comes from you knowing you will be ok if things dont work out. That was my mindset. If R didnt like what he heard, he could have kept walking..and I would have been ok. And he has stuff, too.
I am glad you came to those conclusions. You dont have to be perfect. You dont have to always give in or let him slide. All good things to figure out.
I think you have to try to let go of wanting to know why things didnt wok out and focus on the things you wanted to change about your actions. Who knows what issues those other guys had? You can only control your part and how you want to act moving forward.
About this guy...i say follow your gut...if it doesnt feel right...cancel. I mean...he took the whole day off???? Ummmm... You may hurt his feelings for a little while...but if he really likes you and your feelings were correct..that is gonna suvk for him worse.
Such a good conversation going on. Not too much to add except there is something really beautiful about taking the time to get to know someone and not rushing to conclusions. I also believe that our experience with heart break and divorce has made this a really difficult task. Many of us are guarded in our ways unique to how our situation hurt us. Many of us pass judgement quickly.. on other people.. and ourselves. It seems like we add pressure without really knowing why.
If you have the date tomorrow - I would suggest besides trying to enjoy yourself...is to learn more about this guy. Perhaps he likes to send the text before he starts work so he doesn't forget, or maybe he gets up at 4a so 8a is really late for him. There could be a 1000 reasons why other than he's needy. Why a chain? Back in my hometown - Red Lobster is really fancy.
In all honest - If my date were to tell me that she thought I was needy because I send texts early and decided to take the whole day off to be excited and go to a chain restaurant... I would say to her... that's sounds like a YOU problem The truth is that I wake up at 4 so 8a is kinda late for me... and Red Lobster cheddar biscuits are the best!"...lol. I'm also sure she would probably never doubt the intentions of either of those again.
Just Relax. Be open...with him and yourself. You got this.
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
V- I promise you, it’s not as simple as the morning texts. I’m not that difficult now or shallow. It’s the double and triple texting until I spoke up about it. And other things. When you have nothing much but a few pictures ( I’m honestly not attracted to his pictures, and by that, I don’t mean he’s ugly. I just feel zero excitement towards them) I’m not being some stick up B because he’s texting in the morning. He does wake up early, this I know. Trying to make it big on the stock market or something. I’m also not shallow, It happens to be one of my favorite chain restaurants and maybe he is excited to get out, but repeating it over and over is a lot of pressure for someone I have never met . I am going into this with an open mind though. But whatever the result is at the end of it, I’m going to be perfectly open and honest.
I’m going tonight, although it’s become highly inconvenient for me. I have a contractor now coming early Friday morning. I have to take the day off tomorrow for him. And sometime between work, our dinner I have to go to Home Depot and buy a new door and trim. No clue when I’m going to make this happen. I am certainly stressed. It’s been a busy week and I haven’t been home before 8:30 any night this week. Lots of stuff I’ve been driving D around for and errands I have to take care of. And I’m working OT on Sunday. I’m stressed. Some days I don’t know how to get it all in. But I’ve been doing it for nearly 15 years somehow.
UR- quite honestly, it’s been my biggest breakthrough I think. Maybe the one I was waiting for. I am very much me and I am genuine. I just hold back the parts where I want to call on [censored]. I think sometimes it’s because I’m being an unreasonable B- itch. But no, I need to just let people know what’s up. With M, I would do it sometimes. He would defend himself…… then he would actually show me something . Like when I told him I was done telling me daughter when we were around friends and family on my side, she had to not mention he was my BF because of his son. I told him it just wasn’t fair or right and upsetting to me. He got defensive. Then must have thought about it, and made that grad display of asking me to be his GF in front of his son and D . I’m sure it has to do with my childhood and maybe even my adulthood. I call my dad on his sh!t as an adult, never goes well. I called my mom on her sh!t never went well. My cousin who I’ve had a Rocky sister like relationship with, I call her on her shot, rarely goes well. It’s probably because I am truly a nice and accommodating person, and cool as a cucumber until I’ve had enough. Then I have had enough, and you know, it, lol.
I want to come as I am with absolutely no fears anymore. And obviously, I know I’ll be fine if someone doesn’t like it. Look at me. I’ve been surviving forever. The one way I have not been find since my last relationship is I can’t get close to anyone anymore and I can’t feel safe with a guy. It’s a crappy feeling. And I’m sure that also has to do with me never being able to feel safe with my own parents. Mostly my mom. I was a really good kid growing up. Trying to do everything right. I’m hopes of my mom maybe finally caring. Nope, really never happened.
So, my hope is, I can be vulnerable again, I can show the pretty and the ugly, and I’m appreciated for both. Not out of desperation from the other person. BecUse someone still likes the good stuff, and understands the bad stuff.
I am appreciating having a mirror of who I sort of used to be in an R. I get it now. I understand what people saw that might have turned them off. Because it turns me off! So, you are right, UR, I recognized some stuff I want to improve on for me as a person, that will benefit me, not only my relationships
LH - 1 in 120?? In my experience, it’s more like 1 in 200.
This in a nutshell is why OLDing does not work. This is why Don, Andrew, BL and Mark W are so frustrated with it. Deja on the one had I commend you for not settling for less then you want, but on the other hand 1 in 200 sounds crazy to me. I don't know you in real life but you seem like you are a woman who has her $hit together. I am sure you are looking for the same but I would like to think more than 1 in 200 are datable. Doesn't say much about the male species. Ginger says I am picky and I think my ratio is 1 in 10.
I will say this Deja in non-pandemic times I date women from your country and I get way more interest in the women I am interested in dating from your country. I have asked before and was told that the men in your country don't take care of themselves. Too much beer eh? lol
You all keep saying OLD doesn’t work, just look at the study I quoted at the beginning of my current thread.
G - do you have to go to Home Depot and bring the stuff home, or just go and pick it out? If it’s the latter, and if dinner goes well, why now bring your date on your Home Drpot errand? You might find out more about him? How he responds to your busy life, if he tries to mansplain doors to you or not - might be informative. (I wouldn’t if you’re going home after, as it’s too early for him to know where you live).
