I want to speak a little to the end of my last one.
Don, i get what you are saying. It is sad and it is frustrating and I see what you are saying . I have actually overdone many areas of my life that were exceedingly difficult . And have become somewhat successful. Just not in relationships. I did spend much time in therapy working on why o accepted what I did from my ex. My father left to be with his then girlfriend. My mother was literally falling apart and losing her mind. I have no siblings. I was 19 and I was watching my already u stable life crumbling further. I was afraid, depressed, desperate. And there was my douchebag in shining armor, lol. I was afraid to be totally alone in this world. I was willing to pick up whatever someone would throw me. I cling to the pathetic crumbs he through me like life. Because I was terrified.
As time went on, I did just want to possibly recreate the family I never had and security i never had. It was a pattern that followed me with my ex and subsequent relationship. And completely backfired. I just ended up alone on the end. I came off probably as desperate and “fake” to some . I can see that now .
Now I am much much more discriminating . Almost too much. After M, my very last chance at love and family rolled into one, I can’t connect. One little red flag and I run. Is it good or bad? No clue. The pendulum swing the other way. For the life of me, I can’t figure out this relationship thing. I do know, when I love, it’s with all my heart. It’s not just to gain the security. It’s because I want to give all this love inside of me. I know my love is real when I do give it. I know it comes off as fake w sometimes too. At the end of the day I want someone to genuinely be there for me as I am them. I will love them even when things are sh!t. And it will be returned.
MLXer: my ex did not love genuinely. He also did what he did for gain. My engagement ring was a little pricey and beautiful. I didn’t actually ask for that. I have a picture of a design I liked, but he got me a nice rock. But I did realize he did that because it was a reflection of him. His gifts to me , were always a reflection of him. I understand what you are saying .
I have some pretty solid relationships . I am the caregiver at work. Everyone comes to me personal or professionally. Each of us nurse case managers work with a social worker. Me and mine are like besties. We take care of eachother . We feed eachother healthy. We confide in eachother, we give positive reinforcement at work and personally. We are completely and wholly honest with eachother. She is like the best most honest at vulnerable true relationship i have, believe it or not . I know i am capable, lol. Every other pairing on the units envy our professional and personal relationship.
I just can’t get it right with a guy . I don’t know. In other news. My dad and stepmom have been great. We bought a new really nice couch last night ( won’t be here until may) he isn’t comfortable on the one I have so he purchased a new one. I offered to pay every other payment. He won’t take take it. My kitchen counters were installed today and they are incredible . Some plumbing issues, but my dad took care of it . Next 2 days will be backsplash. My kitchen is amazing .
My ex MIL needs to access transportation for her PT appointments and I know what to do and how to do it. I said I would take care of it, just send me some info. I’m happy to help her. He is taking my dog for my 2 trips. This weekend I will be at an indoor water park with D and her BFF. I will be chillin in the hot tub alone with my beverage and a book. I love the part where she is old enough to do her thang. I’m 4 weeks I will be in FL for my Friends baby shower. First baby at 41. ( she turned 41 today) she’s a beautiful story of making a huge move and finding love . It’s an inspiration.
And my D called me excitedly from school today. She’s been asked to do honors geometry next year. She’s got her dads math brain but always underestimates herself. She was so dam proud of herself and I’m so proud of her . I might also have her an opportunity to shadow an occupational therapist at work. We figured out that might be a path she wants yo pursue . And I convinced her to go to her old stomping grounds and ask for a job. She grew up at the local boys and girls club for after cate, before cAre and summer camp. They loved her and one members retirement speech included her honor watching D grow up. They assured her she would always have a job there . Oddly enough, one of the before after care workers is now a nurse on my unit and remembers her fondly. She was gunshot about going back, but she asked for some $50 workout leggings today. I offered to split them with her if she goes back and asks for a job. She agreed .
I’m killing it some areas of my life, and failing at others . Que ser a ser a
Last edited by job; 02/18/2202:10 PM. Reason: added link to previous thread
Don, i get what you are saying. It is sad and it is frustrating and I see what you are saying . I have actually overdone many areas of my life that were exceedingly difficult . And have become somewhat successful. Just not in relationships.
It's very rare that a person nails every aspect of their life. Ones with great careers sacrifice relationships and friends. Ones with great families sacrifice careers. Some people struggle in friendships. Some people struggle with health. Relationships may be your Achilles heel. I know you will say I would sacrifice it all for a good relationship but a person in a good relationship with poor health would sacrifice the relationship for good health.
Originally Posted by Ginger1
I did spend much time in therapy working on why o accepted what I did from my ex.
What did you learn? Have you changed?
Originally Posted by Ginger1
I was afraid to be totally alone in this world.
It's funny how what we fear we attract.
Originally Posted by Ginger1
As time went on, I did just want to possibly recreate the family I never had and security i never had. It was a pattern that followed me with my ex and subsequent relationship. And completely backfired. I just ended up alone on the end. I came off probably as desperate and “fake” to some . I can see that now .
Great introspection!
Originally Posted by Ginger1
After M, my very last chance at love and family rolled into one, I can’t connect.
Your very last chance at love and family. Is this statement true or false? The truth is you don't know.
Originally Posted by Ginger1
One little red flag and I run. Is it good or bad?
Depends on the red flag. You find out he's a murder; run. You find out he leaves the toilet seat up; don't run.
Originally Posted by Ginger1
At the end of the day I want someone to genuinely be there for me as I am them. I will love them even when things are sh!t. And it will be returned.
That sounds like unconditional love which is very rare today. Ask CW.
Originally Posted by Ginger1
I have some pretty solid relationships . I am the caregiver at work. Everyone comes to me personal or professionally. Each of us nurse case managers work with a social worker. Me and mine are like besties. We take care of each other . We feed each other healthy. We confide in each other, we give positive reinforcement at work and personally. We are completely and wholly honest with each other. She is like the best most honest at vulnerable true relationship i have, believe it or not . I know i am capable, lol. Every other pairing on the units envy our professional and personal relationship.
Not many co-workers have this relationship.
Originally Posted by Ginger1
I just can’t get it right with a guy . I don’t know.
It's all about the attitude. I haven't had it with the right guy yet.
Originally Posted by Ginger1
In other news. My dad and stepmom have been great. We bought a new really nice couch last night ( won’t be here until may) he isn’t comfortable on the one I have so he purchased a new one. I offered to pay every other payment. He won’t take take it. My kitchen counters were installed today and they are incredible . Some plumbing issues, but my dad took care of it . Next 2 days will be backsplash. My kitchen is amazing .
Your dad is bada$$.
Originally Posted by Ginger1
I’m 4 weeks I will be in FL for my Friends baby shower. First baby at 41. ( she turned 41 today) she’s a beautiful story of making a huge move and finding love . It’s an inspiration.
That could be you in 4 years.
Originally Posted by Ginger1
And my D called me excitedly from school today. She’s been asked to do honors geometry next year. She’s got her dads math brain but always underestimates herself.
Great! See dueche bag was good for something.
Originally Posted by Ginger1
I’m killing it some areas of my life, and failing at others . Que ser a ser a
Just like 90% of the people in this world. Chin up tits out!
ruthfully? As messed up as he was, that gesture was actually genuine - for both of us women!
You thought it was genuine. He was two timing you, so how genuine was his love for you in reality? The thing you need to understand is that women don’t realize they are being gamed by a player. That is why they fall for him and fall hard. Even though it is obvious to everyone else, the women rewrite reality and make excuses for the guy’s poor behavior trying to justify why he is a good person and loves them genuinely!
Originally Posted by Ginger1
I was willing to pick up whatever someone would throw me. I cling to the pathetic crumbs he through me like life. Because I was terrified.
As time went on, I did just want to possibly recreate the family I never had and security i never had. It was a pattern that followed me with my ex and subsequent relationship. And completely backfired. I just ended up alone on the end. I came off probably as desperate and “fake” to some . I can see that now .
Great introspection, Ginger. You may have made mistakes in life but knowing what you know is influencing you as a mother and will benefit your daughter. Sometimes good things do not directly change our lives but changes it through others that are important to us!
Also, know that you have a good family now. It may not be a traditional two parent family that society thinks is ideal but you do have a great family. You have your D, your dad, step mom and the way you describe it even your ex and his wife are part of your extended family
Originally Posted by Ginger1
I’m killing it some areas of my life, and failing at others . Que ser a ser a
Such is life! Focus on the areas that are good and know that in time everything will change, for better or worse
Originally Posted by Kml Truthfully? As messed up as he was, that gesture was actually genuine - for both of us women!
You thought it was genuine. He was two timing you, so how genuine was his love for you in reality? The thing you need to understand is that women don’t realize they are being gamed by a player. That is why they fall for him and fall hard. Even though it is obvious to everyone else, the women rewrite reality and make excuses for the guy’s poor behavior trying to justify why he is a good person and loves them genuinely!
I know it sounds like that. And believe me, I would never have him back. To tell the truth, I never fell hard for him. He was fun and it was nice to have the company and attention but I don't know that I was ever "in love" with him. I do feel sorry for him that his life has been ruined by these rapid onset extreme manic episodes that pull the rug out from under him periodically, causing him to lose everything he has been working for. I just happened to know him in an unusually (relatively) stable period in his life. But I don't want anything to do with that whole circus.
You have gotten some great comments and can just echo them in that I think you have shown some good insight into some things. Good for you from learning and growing. I also echo LH and MLC in saying I think that we ALL sometimes feel like we kill it at some aspects of life and just totally bite at others...it is the nature o the beast, so to speak.
I hope that you find what you are looking for some day. Until then, I hope you can find joy and solace in the little things. While it may not mean much, from the outside looking in, you totally rock life.
Me 52, H53 Bomb drop 9/29/2014 Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014 Marriage #2 12/31/2019 5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships) 6 grandkids
Ditto from me Ginger!! Really glad your dad finally came through for you when he said he would. And it sounds like you have some fun times coming up with your D and with your friend in Florida. That's one thing that I always try to have to help with getting through the day-to-day...something to look forward to. That's key for me.
RE: getting it right with a guy? Try replacing "can't" with "haven't yet". You still have plenty of time!! I just turned 54 this week and I believe that about my situation. You've got more than a decade to go before you get to where I'm at. That's a lot of time remaining to get to where you want to be.
I know it is difficult G but try not to compare your situation to others' and find silver linings in the clouds when you can. Happiness is not about getting to a destination, it's about appreciating and enjoying the journey!!! (((HUGS)))
youa re all so sweet. I am sad I haven't has success in the area of romantic love and partnership. I do think it is a very important part of life. I often feel like I am being punished or I am undeserving of that kind of love and partnership. It is hard to not to compare to others. I do sometimes feel embarrassed and defective. I cant help it. It's just been a long long long time.
Well, I knew the generosity of my dad and my stepmom would not go as smoothly as it was. I gave my dad 2 prices. One for the counters and one for the tile installation. SOmehow some way, he thought the price of the counters was the total for everything and he said I never told him this. I was very clear. I told him the 2 separate prices. Tje counters were paid in 2 seperate installments but I think he ended up thinking those 2 intallments was the total for everything. I did explained very clearly, but even though he is physically on point, He does seem to have a hard time understanding or remembering details. Or, I just he doesn't fully listen all the time. So he made it sound like I didn't tell him. He gave me the money, but now I feel just gross. I offered ot pay out my small saving account. I hate this. It just never goes smoothly. Then he won;t take any money form me, and then I feel awful. I am not taking another dime form him unless it is a dire emergency. I knew this was all going so smoothly to be true.
anyways, tomorrow finishes the work. Saturday I will spend deep cleaning. This weekend is the first weekend all year I am not working one of my 2 jobs. I very much look forward to it..
I am trying to find joy in some areas of my life. It;s tough sometimes not to feel like you are in survival mode all the time, well, when you are. I will have fun this weekend. I will enjoy FL. I do smile. To everyone, they see me as never stressed, never shaken, go with the flow, happy, and put together. I wake up alot in the middle of the night not being able to sleep because I have so many worries on my mind. It's true, things may not always seem as they appear
I often feel like I am being punished or I am undeserving of that kind of love and partnership
Honey - you do see how these are the words of the little girl who didn't get the love she needed from her parents, right?
Picture yourself as a young girl saying these words. How would you comfort that girl? You would certainly tell her that her parent's dysfunction was NOT HER FAULT and that she was worthy of love.
I say I feel that way often, but it’s not often. The question does pass through my mind in trying to logically figure things out. But yeah, this though process probably does have something to do with m childhood. I know. I do comfort myself by reminding myself of all the areas of which I am accomplishment in and the hurdles I have overcome
Hello my sweet friend. I don't come here often. Really just to check in and see how you are doing.
Our childhood does affect us for life, doesn't it? We just have to try to acknowledge it and do the best we can.
You always were so hard on yourself, sweetie. You are amazing. You know that. How I wish I had accomplished all that you have.
Congrats to little G...she is amazing, too. She may have gotten his math brain..but the rest...all you. Say hi to her for me.
So, we all know that negative self talk isnt good for us, but, talk we do, right? It is a habit, and it does serve its purpose sometimes in propelling us forward.
I know you long for a happy, loving, supportive relationship. I believe you will have one, one day. I do. I have come to truly see that it happens when it is supposed to.
Maybe you have some more inner work to do. Maybe you have to see yourself as we do. Maybe you have to get out of your head some.
I believe, and really what the heck do I know, that we should always be true to who we are. I dont mean we need to show our potential partners all the "stuff" we hold. G-d knows, that would have sent R running...lol. But I didnt pretend to be anyone other than who I am. I actually told him some of my stuff on the first date. Just put it out there. Was it the right thing to do? Who knows? I am sure he thought a lot about it and gave it some time to see just how bad it really was. I dont know. I just knew that I wasnt going to play any games. I was just going to be the me I had finally become and learned to love somewhat.
Not sure where I was going with all of this. LOL. I guess I am saying that maybe you think too much about it all sometimes. What to do, what to say, how to act. And that maybe, when you truly embrace all that you are, and you stop thinking about the whatifs and what should be's..things happen.
So, try not to think about you not having another chance at a family because you dont know that to be true. Stop comparing yourself to others and just be wonderful you.
I do believe that even if we dont realize it, we give off certain things. And that maybe, people can sense what is inside your head and heart and they dont know what to do with it.
As for the red flags, I agree with Don, depends on what they are. Heck, I have red flags all over me...lol..R looked past them. I looked past his..
Mindset, sweetie. Change yours a bit. Just go out and have fun..see where it leads you. Love you.
