You have received so many wise words of wisdom in your time here, I won't go back and quote them all, but will share a few things from my experience.
Do not delay the divorce proceedings. I wish that I had taken this advice when I was in the same broken state as you. If I could go back and do things over, I would have put a retainer on the first divorce lawyer I had a consultation with and went full steam ahead from there. As my own D has drawn out over the past year, ex has gotten less and less generous. It is only a piece of paper, if he decides he doesn't want the D you will know.
You can't nice him back. I played nice for nearly two years, hoping, believing that if he only saw me as I am, the kind, loving person he married that I am to this day, he would recognize his mistake and come running back. He did, actually, three times since D-day; professing his love and willing to do anything to make it work, only to run back to OW and the D path. I can't begin to describe the feeling of rejection in every cell of my being after the last of those times when he wanted to be intimate, only to turn to me afterwards and tell me he couldn't do it, he couldn't be with me. Don't be me. You can still maintain your values (kind, loving, a good person) and not put up with other people's sh*t treatment of you. Boundaries are kind as they allow the other person to experience the consequences of their own decisions and learn and grow from them.
Don't believe the 'I will take care of you' line. They don't actually know what that means, in the legal sense. At one point, ex believed that he would take over our joint business and pay me a 'stipend' to support me and the kids for the foreseeable future. Maintain my lifestyle to a degree *he* felt was appropriate and build his own wealth on the excess. I would be a 'kept' woman, performing all the wifely duties of keeping the kids cared for when he didn't want them or needed to work, housing and feeding them while he went off pounding the town (or another town, as it was). Once he was aware of how legally ludicrous that was, he turned mean.
And your poor aching heart. I know so, so well what that feels like. And the only thing I can say is trite but true: you absolutely will not feel this way forever. This too shall pass. I have not had any intimate relationship, nor dated, nor even flirted with any gusto in the past two years; all things I thought I would need before feeling over ex. But here I am, two years since a D-day I didn't think I would survive, an ongoing D that feels never-ending, an exH that still monsters at me and yet I am feeling pretty OK. You will get here too, I promise.
Thank you every one, this place has been a god send to me, I truely appreciate eveyones input into this bat sh*t crazy sitch. I am so greatful to have foud you all and this place. All of the advise, experieces and words that everone has provided had been so supportive. Even if it is hard to digest right now. So no contact today, one small victory for me. I feel like I am in a pit fighting my way out right now.
First of all big hugs to you. If you have read my thread you will see how crazy an MLC'er can behave, definitely when he can't let go of his old life. Mine returned numerous times the first and second year, the 3rd year less, but still kept me under his strings as much as he could and I let him, because he is a master manipulator.
Please do listen to the advice Sage gave you. Sometimes I wished I would have stood my ground sooner.
It's not always positive "to be aware and understand the MLC'er behavior", I sometimes forgot that they actually know what they are doing when they do it. And I often let him go too far because of that.
I perfectly know what you are going true and yes, it is soooooo painfull, but it really does get better. Simply continuously try to share your feelings here. xxx
Me(45)EXH(44) M:15 T:18, S19, S16 & S16 04/19-02/20 ILYB & OW1 12/20-08/22 OW2 (+pregnant-his child) 03/22-Divorce official 06/22-08/23 Reconnecting 09/23-possible back with OW2
Good job. It is a victory. A controlled purposeful step, by you, towards better.
It is wise to do like you are and let the lawyers handle the divorce negotiating leg work. You make the decisions, let your L do the battling.
House, money, investments, and assets. I am guessing no prenuptial agreement, so everything is likely considered material joint properties. In the end, basically 50/50 split.
I suspect with your good career and both of you looking to retire in 5 or so years, there are reasonable nest egg investments. Most likely little to no alimony, maybe. Lawyers will know the rules and expectations of your locale.
If you wish to stay in the house, it appears H is agreeable. His extensive memorabilia collection could pay some / most of your half of the house to him. If he does owe you alimony, forgoing it for the house title could be in your benefit.
Point is, pretty much everything is negotiable. Child support is one of the few rights / payments that cannot be negotiated away. In your situation things are less complicated in that respect.
Make a list of things you need, things you want or like, and things that are not a big deal. Do not tell H.
I’d suspect H’s collection is one of the “no big deal” things. However, that is probably a lot higher on H’s list. With a little finesse and calm you will likely find your needs and most of your reasonable wants can be met.
When I was staring at my pending divorce it was nerve-racking. It’s the absence of information that causes us to stress and fear.
Enjoy your house and yard. The backyard and planted trees, flowers, and bushes sound lovely. A labour of love, one which you can and still will love.
Have a great day.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
Hi DnJ, H makes 5 to 6 times more than I made while I was working. So I am hoping that alimony is substancial, as there is no way I will ever come even close to half of what he makes. There was no pre nup, we were both broke when we got married. But together we pushed each other to be successful, he would not be in the position he is in right now without me. He has chosen his path and my life should not be finacially ruined because he is a idiot. Neither of us will be retiring early as planned due to his choices. He will most likely drink himself to a early grave anyway.
Sorry thinking about our finacials makes me really angry. This was built on years of planning and saving. Not to sound full of myself, but he would have never gotten anywhere near all of this if he didn't have me in his corner. I will not walk away from what I worked so hard to build for 21 years. We just got to this spot last December...just in time for him to destroy it.
As far as anything in the house, the only think I want is my new mattress and my fur babies, Archie and Timmy. I don't care about anything else in the house, its just stuff. But he thinks by saying he does not want anything that it should count as assets for me. That would be like saying our clothes are assets, or the dish towels, or the appliances that would be sold with the house. This is all coming from the OW, cuz this is what she is pulling with her H. Just because he does not want it does not make it of value to my asset column.
Spewing-
I am so sick of all of this, so sick of hurting, being angry, crying, raging....thinking. I want my easy laid back self back , my life. I did not break my vows, my promises, I did nothing wrong. Adultery should be punishable by law, there should be jail time, and large fines. How anyone can think this is exceptable is beyond me. How anyone can look in the mirror everyday and not see the uglyness in there immoral unethical choices is beyond me. Every state should be a fault state. He should have to pay for the rest of his life for what he has done to our M
Sorry for getting ugly here, just venting, I have got to get the anger off my chest.
“Life is All About How you Handle Plan B Plan A is always my first choice. You know, the one where Everything works out to be Happily ever-after. But more often than not, I find myself dealing with The upside-down, inside-out version -- Where nothing goes as it should. It's at this point that the real Test of my character comes in.. Do I sink, or do I swim? Do I wallow in self pity and play the victim, Or simply shift gears And make the best of the situation? The choice is all mine... Life is all about how you handle Plan B.”
I am so sick of all of this, so sick of hurting, being angry, crying, raging....thinking. I want my easy laid back self back , my life. I did not break my vows, my promises, I did nothing wrong. Adultery should be punishable by law, there should be jail time, and large fines. How anyone can think this is exceptable is beyond me. How anyone can look in the mirror everyday and not see the uglyness in there immoral unethical choices is beyond me. Every state should be a fault state. He should have to pay for the rest of his life for what he has done to our M
Sorry for getting ugly here, just venting, I have got to get the anger off my chest.
One point of view that I think has a lot of merit is that adultury is in fact spousal abuse. You are an abused spouse. You did not agree to the harms that are coming your way, being potentially exposed to STDs (have you been tested?), nor the destruction to your mental or physical health.
PS - I'm on the other side of things financially as I was the breadwinner and still send off that monthly payment. Here there's a thing called "the rule of 65" where if age plus years together are more than 65, the lower income spouse is eligible for spousal support for life. I negotiated a different deal. Also, there's a life insurance policy on me with my xW as the irrevocable beneficiary that I pay for which would cover the amount of support she is due in the off chance that I "pop my clogs" prematurely. 25 payments to go and counting ...
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
I am so sick of all of this, so sick of hurting, being angry, crying, raging....thinking. I want my easy laid back self back , my life. I did not break my vows, my promises, I did nothing wrong. Adultery should be punishable by law, there should be jail time, and large fines. How anyone can think this is acceptable is beyond me. How anyone can look in the mirror everyday and not see the ugliness in there immoral unethical choices is beyond me. Every state should be a fault state. He should have to pay for the rest of his life for what he has done to our M
I hear ya Stella!! I had those exact thoughts. Maybe if there was a bit more of a consequence for cheating and lying, people might work a bit harder at repairing their marriage instead of abandoning it. There are a lot of factors at play...society's acceptance of this behaviour being a major one. My kids have more friends with divorced parents than friends with parents who are still together. When I was a kid, it was the exact opposite. The vast majority of my friends lived with both of their parents.
Mind you, I do not think that all marriages should remain intact...abuse is a deal breaker for me. But most marriages fail because of complacency, neglect and poor communication. All of these things can be improved upon if both parties recognize it and agree to work on it. The problem is that when these things become a factor, many people become resentful and rather than trying to fix things, start making choices that actively destroy whatever is left of the relationship...often without their spouse's knowledge. In my sitch, I would have had a lot more respect for my H if he had moved out and spent some time standing on his own two feet before taking up with someone else. But he chose the easy way out and created another life with someone else whilst he was still pretending to be in our marriage. That kind of conscious destruction is pretty difficult to reconcile.
I know how much this hurts. It is the WORST pain I have ever, ever felt in my entire life. But believe me, you won't always feel this way Stella. That is not to say you will ever get to a place where you look back and say that it was okay how he treated you or that you are glad that it happened BUT you will get to a place where you are okay on your own (or with someone else) and you can see a positive future ahead of you. It will not be the future you thought you were going to have but it WILL be a good one nonetheless...if you make it that way. Just keep posting and venting and putting one foot in front of the other my friend. You will get there eventually...in spite of yourself. (((HUGS)))
(((HUGS)))