Hi Bema, I've been here for several years and don't know of anyone that has done the 2 day intensive. I know I've seen some things related to intensives that they are designed to try to get couples that are on the brink, in order to get the WAS to question their desire to D. So if you can talk her into it maybe it can work? I don't know what the rate of success of them are, though if I would say that you'd be hard pressed to find a better resource than MWD! Has your W expressed that she would be willing to attend one?
The important thing is that you go in with no expectations. I think a better hail mary, depending on your situation (and I don't know a lot about your sitch) is the LRT. I think the LRT for you would be difficult since you are still in the same house. Unfortunately, it is very rare that there is magic bullet to fix things once a spouse has dropped the D bomb.
Have you read Divorce Busting? I would say that would be a great next step if you haven't.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I am responding to BL42's comments. I do not know how to do the quote thing.
My response:
BL42, are you still married?
Spouse says reason for getting a divorce is I am too controlling. Reality is we do not hear each other. Don't really talk. Afraid of each other in our on ways. Easier not to talk and upset someone. In the short term anyway. I need to talk now and find it challenging. Afraid of spouses reaction.
I asked spouse to participate with me in 2 day Michele intensive. Got a no. Not really surprised as that is often the first response on new things. I also was not sure what was heard when I made my request. I asked for clarification and I was right. What was heard was not what I meant to say. What I meant to say was I wanted to do 2 day intensive so I could get clarity on what went wrong with us, so I would have a better chance of not repeating the same mistakes. And to get closure. Letting this sit a bit to help me find the right words. Afraid of saying the wrong thing.
What I meant to say was I wanted to do 2 day intensive so I could get clarity on what went wrong with us, so I would have a better chance of not repeating the same mistakes. And to get closure.
What I heard was that you wanted to take the 2-day intensive to save your marriage. You believed your marriage could be fixed and were curious about success rates in that regard. People who know us well often weigh our words less than their model of who we are. I agree you’d feel some closure either way, but if you didn’t state your purpose was keeping you two together and he guessed it, I’d hardly fault him for that.
If you want to take the intensive, I would reach out to MWD for her advise on where his head needs to be at for it to be fruitful and how she usually persuades people to go—or, if she feels people who need to be persuaded aren’t likely to become success stories. Marriage counselor usually requires two committed participants. She may be able to work with less, as in the thread I referenced from here 10yrs ago.
I am responding to BL42's comments. I do not know how to do the quote thing.
My response: BL42, are you still married?
No, I'm not. I did want to keep my family together and work on the marriage but my ExW did not and it was therefore completely out of my control, despite my efforts. I've been posting here for a year and a half, starting about 6 months after "Bomb Day". You can read about my sitch here if you're interested: WAW w/Exit Affair or WW? - Don't Want Divorce (1)
Originally Posted by Bema
Do you feel his points are valid about you being controlling?
Are you being honest about why you want to participate in Michele’s training?
Good questions by LH. Care to share?
Are you interested in feedback about your situation, or just about the 2 day intensives?
Me:39 Ex-W:37 M:7 T: 9 S:6 D:3 BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20 OM1 affair ends: May '20 W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20 W files for D: Jul20 OM2 confirmed: 9/2020 Divorced: May '21
There's no stats to say if you do it you'll be 3.5 times more likely to save this.
It does take one to tango. That's a great chapter. The moral of the chapter is that by changing how you act your force others to change how they act towards you too
I have controlling tendencies too. You need to 180 there and you need to be consistent with your actions for a long time. Don't talk about be about it, right?
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
I am responding to BL42's comments. I do not know how to do the quote thing.
My response: BL42, are you still married?
No, I'm not. I did want to keep my family together and work on the marriage but my ExW did not and it was therefore completely out of my control, despite my efforts. I've been posting here for a year and a half, starting about 6 months after "Bomb Day". You can read about my sitch here if you're interested: WAW w/Exit Affair or WW? - Don't Want Divorce (1)
Originally Posted by Bema
Do you feel his points are valid about you being controlling?
Are you being honest about why you want to participate in Michele’s training?
Good questions by LH. Care to share?
Are you interested in feedback about your situation, or just about the 2 day intensives?
I would rather play with rats then go to a two day intensive training with my ex wife.
Control and manipulation typically come hand in hand. I am trying to understand if the controls accusations are accurate.
Bema, I think others are hitting on something important here. That you may not be being honest with yourself about your motivations here. We see this a lot with LBSs, that they will convince themselves of something to justify actions that maybe you shouldn't be engaging. Begging, pleading, reasoning, pushing, etc. for almost any reason is the wrong approach. You broached the 2 day intensive with her. She said no. Now you are reasoning and explaining to her why you want her to attend, and in doing so I think you might be changing that motivation to fit a narrative.
Bema, some of the best early advice I received was to take the focus and your attention off of her and put it onto. I honestly believe that is at the heart of MWD's It Takes One To Tango approach. You cannot control her. You shouldn't even try. So, focus on you and your actions and make that where your energy goes. GAL, self-improvements, detachment that is your focus and it all deals with you and how you a behave and leave her alone to make her own decisions.
Bema, you haven't shared much of your situation with us. Most of us started with a post about our situation giving the history involved. You've done that a bit, but I'd like to see you post an introductory post giving us a bit more detail. I will leave that up to you if you feel comfortable doing that or not.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Sorry you're here. There are lots of good people willing to lend support and advice.
Originally Posted by Bema
Spouse has filed for divorce, and I want to stayed married. I am highly confident we can have a great marriage given the right set of tools/guidance. I am pretty sure we do not have that set of tools.
You may be highly confident - I was as well - but it's important to keep in mind it's completely out of your control and solely dependent on your W. It's unlikely she filed for D unless she is serious about that as an outcome, so her mindset might be 180 degrees different than yours. You are not going to be able to "fix it" yourself. Having a great marriage going forward is only possible if BOTH of you are interested in that possible outcome and it sounds like at least right now she is not.
Originally Posted by Bema
Married almost 2 decades. No kids.
We are living in the same house and getting along well. Other than the big D part.
You don't give any back story on issues in the marriage. It sounds like an amicable living situation. Was your W filing for a divorce a surprise, or a long time in the making? Do you suspect an affair?
Originally Posted by Bema
Have you gone through Michele's 2 day intensive? Can you tell me about that? What happened?Breakthrough moments? What were the results for you. Are you still married?
I don't have any experience with a MWD 2-day intensive or Retrouvaille.
Originally Posted by Bema
We tried counseling that actually made things worse, so wanted to get a clear sense we are going in the right direction.
That was my experience as well. Actually, not sure it made things worse but counseling definitely didn't help in my case; the decision/result was pre-determined.
Can someone tell me how to hi lite quotes and respond to them?
Until I figure that out, my responses:
Yup, we are both too controlling. I am doing a great job of letting that go. Spouse is too right now. There are some reasons on my end, but backing off feels good.
How do I ask WMD for direction on asking spouce to participate?
