Where to start with WAS

[lost___]

Joshua… I WISH I was 34 when all of this happened to me. I know it doesn’t feel like it right now but your W has given you a gift. You have so much time to find that person who is compatible with you and wants the same things you want.

Your description of your marriage does not sound like one that most people would want to be in. Communication, honesty, loyalty, affection…all really important. You don’t sound like you had any of these things and that you were more in love with the person you thought your W could be than who she actually was. Frankly, your W just sounds really immature and likely is someone who was way more in love with the idea of getting married than she was with being married. Not unusual for someone in their mid-20’s. That is still really, really young…in particular with she was still living at home. That period of independence between parents’ home and marital home is so, so important for emotional development. Maybe not in everyone’s case but definitely in most.

Your W has made it very, very clear in her behaviour that she is not interested in saving your marriage. You’ve been apart for over a year and only talked on three occasions? In the meantime she has been living at home and dating OM? If you had a friend in this same situation, what advice would you give to him? Your wife may not have filed for divorce but she did send you papers to sign. She hasn’t pursued you signing them because 1) she has made her feelings clear by giving you papers and 2) she has no real reason to at this point. You can bet that if she starts thinking about marrying someone else, she will be knocking on your door or sending you emails through her lawyer.

My question to you is… Why haven’t you signed them? Do you really, in your heart of hearts, believe she is coming back? Even if that were true, a divorce does not prevent someone from returning and asking for another chance. By not signing them though, you are clearly telling her you are still hanging on and she could return anytime she wants and that she is in charge of what happens. She has no urgency or reason to do anything one way or the other. In the meantime, life is passing you by while you live in limbo.

I agree with what others have advised. You need to ask yourself how much more of your life you are willing to give up waiting around for something that is highly unlikely to happen. Another year? Two years? Five years? Because you could give it ten years and the only thing that will be different is that you will be 44 and starting over instead of 34. Do not waste those years my friend. I am 53 and agree with what LH said, the years between 34 and now are a blur and seem more like 10 years than 20 years. Life is way too short to be spending it pining away for someone who treated you poorly and has clearly moved on.

Sorry…I hate to sound harsh but you need to really come to terms with the reality of this situation. You still have plenty of time to build that life you want with someone who wants the same things. If you knew, 100% for sure, that you would meet that person in the next year or two and in five years, you would be living your best life with a supportive wife who loves you and a couple of kids you love more than life, would you still choose to hang onto your W or would you sign those papers? If your answer is the latter, than I submit to you that what is keeping you from moving on is fear and not love. Embrace the fear Joshua. Free yourself from your situation and get started on making that new amazing life for yourself!!

I'll take harsh over sugar coating things. Thank you for your post. I do need to move on and that is exactly what I am preparing to do

[Ready2Change]

Is there anything in Divorce Busting that isn't in The Divorce Remedy?

It has been awhile since I read both books, but I believe DR covers most of the concepts, but sets expectations more realistically.

[Mumin]

I basically just need to give her the divorce and move on with my life at this point. If she comes back, great. My guess is she wont, but I can't let my life be contingent on what she does or doesn't do.

If you are ready for it I would phrase it like this: You should divorce her.
Personally in my sitch I am very glad I was the one to hand her the papers, not the other way around. Though a word of caution, make sure that it doesn't impact your bargaining power. My understanding is that in some cases/countries it can impact you position negatively if you are the one to (legally) initiate the process. Consult a lawyer!
Don't do all the work and do NOT just agree to her terms.

Most of us here have gone trough it, we can guide you along the way if you want/need.

[lost___]

I basically just need to give her the divorce and move on with my life at this point. If she comes back, great. My guess is she wont, but I can't let my life be contingent on what she does or doesn't do.

If you are ready for it I would phrase it like this: You should divorce her.
Personally in my sitch I am very glad I was the one to hand her the papers, not the other way around. Though a word of caution, make sure that it doesn't impact your bargaining power. My understanding is that in some cases/countries it can impact you position negatively if you are the one to (legally) initiate the process. Consult a lawyer!
Don't do all the work and do NOT just agree to her terms.

Most of us here have gone trough it, we can guide you along the way if you want/need.

She has already sent me paperwork to file jointly with the court (last year), I believe she just wants to do everything pro se. However, I will still consult an attorney. Really she has said she doesn't "want anything". That could all change but I definitely won't be playing her game from here on out.

Is there anything in Divorce Busting that isn't in The Divorce Remedy?

It has been awhile since I read both books, but I believe DR covers most of the concepts, but sets expectations more realistically.

Seems like that would be the case, as DR is newer than DB

[wayfarer]

She has already sent me paperwork to file jointly with the court (last year), I believe she just wants to do everything pro se. However, I will still consult an attorney. Really she has said she doesn't "want anything". That could all change but I definitely won't be playing her game from here on out.

Uhhhhh...what game is/was she playing? I mean she's been pretty clear from the get go she doesn't want to be married to you. She's done zero to string you along. And has done even less to try to mess with your money. Which is next to never the case for anybody here who's been divorced or is going through one.

I'd consult an attorney to put your mind at ease and if you think it's best put a retainer down, just in case. But if she truly doesn't want anything, and would like to do this pro se, jointly, quickly and painlessly as possible, I'd follow through on that as long as you possibly can. Hopefully through fruition.

I'm going to completely contradict Munim, because the way he put it is frankly insane. If she asks for nothing, you have ZERO reason to fight for anything. Agree to her terms if they are agreeable. It's honestly that simple if you let it be. The fight here is what will give you the most peace? If she's trying to take property that is technically yours but you don't care if she takes it or not, you let her have it. If she tries taking money that would be detrimental to your well being you fight.

Do not, and I can't emphasize that enough, please, please, don't get in your chest over this stuff and make something contentious that isn't to "win." You will not win. You will lose. And maybe that loss is only monetary, but trust me that's still a loss. The second you unnecessarily start involving attorneys you might as well just set your paychecks on fire, or try flushing your cash down the toilet. Divorce is an incredibly expensive process. You are billed per 1/10 of an hour. Every phone call, email, filing, meeting, hearing, all of it billed down to 6 min increments of their time. And if you do make things contentious just because you can and force her into a position where she needs to get an attorney she can in return put you in a position to have to pay for her attorney fees as well. It's in your best interest to do what you can to keep your feelings out of the D. It's in your best interest to look at it exactly for what it is, a legal proceeding separating a business partnership. Take the easiest, cheapest route to move on with your life.

[SteveLW]

I basically just need to give her the divorce and move on with my life at this point. If she comes back, great. My guess is she wont, but I can't let my life be contingent on what she does or doesn't do.

If you are ready for it I would phrase it like this: You should divorce her.
Personally in my sitch I am very glad I was the one to hand her the papers, not the other way around. Though a word of caution, make sure that it doesn't impact your bargaining power. My understanding is that in some cases/countries it can impact you position negatively if you are the one to (legally) initiate the process. Consult a lawyer!
Don't do all the work and do NOT just agree to her terms.

Most of us here have gone trough it, we can guide you along the way if you want/need.

She has already sent me paperwork to file jointly with the court (last year), I believe she just wants to do everything pro se. However, I will still consult an attorney. Really she has said she doesn't "want anything". That could all change but I definitely won't be playing her game from here on out.

Is there anything in Divorce Busting that isn't in The Divorce Remedy?

It has been awhile since I read both books, but I believe DR covers most of the concepts, but sets expectations more realistically.

Seems like that would be the case, as DR is newer than DB

The best thing I did in my situation, when my WW was insisting we could get a quickie online D, was consult with an attorney. It never hurts to say least do a consultation. If nothing else it will help with what to expect to go through the divorce.

I hope you're right and she really wants nothing. I've seen too many people go through it where the walk away was insisting they wanted nothing and wanted it to be amicable. Only later to be clobbered over the head after they'd been lulled to sleep. Stay wary, know your rights, and protect yourself.

[Mumin]

Ok, so apparently I put my advice "insane". Not sure how but that doesn't matter.
Frankly I agree with both WF and Steve here and my guess is WF knows more about D in your country, where I come from it is a bit different.
In my D the divorce fees where the equivalent of about 700 USD in total, and I got about 55% of the net worth after negotiations about the house.
So OBVIOUSLY if she is offering to just leave and take "nothing", take the offer.

Also regarding "game playing", my reading of what you are saying Joshua is that you wont be tip-toeing around W from now on. You will start taking responsibility for yourself and your future. So again, if the best possible outcome for you from here on is to sign her papers then take the offer.

But like Steve said, "Stay wary, know your rights, and protect yourself".

[BL42]

There are typically three main areas to address in a divorce:

• Child Custody & Support - Without kids, this does not apply.
• Spousal Support/Alimony - Although he hasn't mentioned their income levels, seems unlikely to be a factor due to the short duration of the marriage.
• Assets - Some US states are "Equal Distribution" meaning you split everything 50/50, but the majority are "Equitable Distribution" in which you take off the top any assets you can prove you had coming in then split anything you accrued during the marriage 50/50.

Again, I don't know Joshua's income or assets but get the sense based on ages and lack of him discussion money that his D should be fairly straightforward and there's not a whole lot of negotiation or reason to fight, so a quick and simple D probably makes the most sense. However, I would certainly agree w/others it doesn't hurt to review things with an L before filing just in case - you don't have to "lawyer up and fight in court" but a review just to be sure there isn't anything glaring never hurts.

Joshua - I'm completely with you on taking marriage vows seriously and being against divorce, unfortunately for us it takes both parties to commit to that and is impossible to hold to that with only one of the two of you. Make sure you're focusing on making your own life awesome. Hit the gym, get involved in fun activities, meet new friends...etc. and you'll have a great life in front of you.