Reminds me of a story my ex once told me about one of his patients. Her husband had left in a MLC. They divorced. Two years later he begged her to take him back, but it was too late, she had moved on.
He told me this story, remarking on how sad it was, about a year before my ex had an affair!
The chemicals of infatuation in the brain light up the same locations that cocaine does.
Interesting that your brother turned around in just two months. I’m guessing your xsil did NOT spend those two months clinging and pleading for him to come home, right?
I am sorry to 'meet' you in this space, but I am happy you found these boards. I am about 18 months ahead of you and your posts mirror my early ones in so many ways: BFF H, loving relationship that others admired, a lifestyle that both seemed to enjoy, thinking things were fine and then the whole house of cards crashing down with the knowledge of another woman. The only difference is that I have four young children in the mix.
When my situation first came to light, I felt like I was going to die from the pain. My loving, kind H turned into a monster. The abuse and meanness was horrific. And all the while I had to try and pull it together to raise a pack of confused and sad kids who were home all the time due to the pandemic. I haven't updated on my own thread in quite a while, but I can tell you that who I am today is a completely different person than that shell of a woman I was a year ago. I do not cry about it anymore (usually only triggered by something the children say), I have been able to listen to my STBX tell people about his girlfriend without losing my mind and for the most part everything he says and does that triggers me rolls off my back. It only takes me 5 minutes to recover versus 5 days (5 weeks at one point!).
You are doing so many things 'right' at the moment: communing with friends and family that love and support you, taking each minute/hour/day at a time, feeling all the feelings with no self-judgement and seeking outside support and validation such as these boards. You are not alone, though your circumstances can feel so, so isolating.
I didn't succeed in saving my marriage. And when I was in your position, I didn't want to read about anyone who didn't succeed. But I can tell you that I was so much like you and I survived and might (...just might, jury's still out) actually be thriving again.
Hugs to you and I am adding myself to the list of people rooting for your continued health.
Pain from surgery better today, was actually able to shower yesterday. Spent most of the day sleeping.
KML- My XSIL moved on to a new man within that 2ish months. (I do not have that in me) Brother moved accross state to be with OW, I know this caused him to be very homesick as he had never left our home town. B & XSIL are very emotionally immature. When it first happen she took my Brother over to parents house and told them. My brother recalls listening to my Dad lecture him on what a huge mistake he was making. My XSIL cried and begged him to think about what he was doing. He says now, 5 years out, that he felt no emotion for his crying wife. That he felt that he had to pursue the relationship with the OW, as it had brought up feelings from his youth when parents forbid him to date a girl who was underage when he was 19 or 20. He is remorsful now, he still calls my XSIL and begs her to take him back, as recently as 3 weeks ago. He is not living some fantasy life with OW, our family still refuses to meet her. He says now that he will never have what he had with his XW, he lost his best friend. Said he kept trying to tell his xW, that he needed to see where the R with OW went. I lectured him when he was going through it too. He would not listen to anyone, he was on his own journy.
LH19 Beleive me, I told him many times how he was screwing up his life,his sons, and XW.. He knows now..He stays with OW now, because he can not go back to his old life, and he isn't getting any younger. Says he has no love for OW, dosen't even like her. All of his justifactions that he had, he nows see how stupid and out of his mind he was. He wanted to have fun, and it was fun for awhile, but now they have settled into it and it was not worth it. Says that he tried to get OW to be like his XW, but she is not his W and will never be. I have told him he should be honest with XW.
Sage- Thank you I know that what H is doing has nothing to do with me or our M. By no means was I the perfect W, but any issues we had would have been easily talked out. H has lost his mind, he has no logical thinking going on right now. Although he tells me he is fine and still himself. That makes me question myself, maybe I am wrong, maybe this is who has been his whole life and just hid it from me. I see a few flashes, that he is still in there, but I need to squash my expectations. Not sure how to do that yet, as right now I just want him to come back. But...then I think about all the sh*t he has put me through over the last 8 months and I get so angry at him. WTF am I thinking, why would I want him back, he was a/is hearltess a** . Such a rollercoaster of emotions. It just baffles me that he can treat me like this. I have always loved and supported him, I have done nothing to him to deserve such horrible treatment...How do you get over that??
What I know- A started in Nov. 2020 as a EA, turned PA in May of 2021, BD1 June 2021, fake trying on H's part till Dec, 2nd 2021 when he moved out. OW is also married and H is her 3rd A, (they have not filed for D yet, her H is still holding out for R)but they are in love and its so special, she is such a nice person. (vomit) Nice people do not go after married people, no matter what.
I filed for D in early Jan., final court date is June 6th. I am feeling like I jumped the gun and filed too fast. I don't know, just feel like this is all moving too fast for me. I don't want a D, I want my M, a new M with my H. I believe that M is for life, better or worse, through good times and bad. Am I a idiot for holding onto that, my vows, my promises to my H and M? I can't stop it now. H would need to stop it, he would have to want to stop it, it has to come from him.
A few random thoughts questions Why do they always A down?? Why don't they see what a horrible person that the OW is, that they are being?
Why is H still going to IC?
I have read about how the LBS has to get over our long term addiction and bonding with our spouses. What happened to the WS long term bond with us? How do they just flip the switch?
H was always a very smart man, but he is a complete idiot right now. I think that if H ever does wake up and realize the damage he has done, that it will crush him. Right now I think him and OW are just justifing there actions by telling each other that they are doing the right thing, cuz its for love. Its not love, its disgusting. Makes me sick to my stomach. They are acting like teenages .... a**holes.
Thanks for listening to me, this thread has become a life line for me. I have been trying to read everyones threads for insight as well. I know that the odds of H coming back are slim. But I hold onto that f- ing hope...I wish I could just let go, I am trying but my heart does not want to yet.
By no means was I the perfect W, but any issues we had would have been easily talked out.
What were his issues with you? Did he say? Was IYO any truth to them?
Originally Posted by Stella20
H has lost his mind, he has no logical thinking going on right now.
WWs are acting on pure emotion. When decisions are made on emotion there are sure to be consequences.
Originally Posted by Stella20
That makes me question myself, maybe I am wrong, maybe this is who has been his whole life and just hid it from me.
Does he have a history of cheating? Even when he was young. It's rare that they are first time offenders.
Originally Posted by Stella20
I see a few flashes, that he is still in there, but I need to squash my expectations. Not sure how to do that yet, as right now I just want him to come back.
It's a mindset.
Originally Posted by Stella20
But...then I think about all the sh*t he has put me through over the last 8 months and I get so angry at him.
Are you familiar with the stages of grief? The good news is you are past denial and probably bargaining.
Originally Posted by Stella20
WTF am I thinking, why would I want him back, he was a/is hearltess a** .
Your brain has convinced itself that getting H back, or getting H to apologize and declare a desire to have you back is the very best and fastest way to restore your feeling of being in control. You are trying to analyze and understand everything so that you can build it into a rational model so that it will never, ever happen to you again. If I can avoid doing X, then Y will never happen. In addition, you want to unlock this puzzle, to deconstruct it so you can find the solution that will allow you to rebuild it. Finding that key would provide immense comfort. With the benefit of time and distance, you'll realize that's what it's really all about, it's about regaining the ability to feel in control of your life and your future. It really has very little to do with H or who he is as a person, he's a lever to get you what you want, but that's really just an illusion.
If you take the focus off of H *completely* he will notice. That will give him space to breathe, and to think. That's the only way these things turn around -- the ONLY way.
Originally Posted by Stella20
I have always loved and supported him, I have done nothing to him to deserve such horrible treatment...How do you get over that??
It will take a really long time. Eventually you will burn through the resentment and forgive him if you choose.
Originally Posted by Stella20
Am I a idiot for holding onto that, my vows, my promises to my H and M?
Not at all. But ask yourself is that really what it is all about or is it the fear of the unknown.
Originally Posted by Stella20
I can't stop it now. H would need to stop it, he would have to want to stop it, it has to come from him.
The only way it could work is if he WANTS to stop it.
Originally Posted by Stella20
Why do they always A down??
Originally Posted by Stella20
Why don't they see what a horrible person that the OW is, that they are being?
Brain chemicals and emotions.
Originally Posted by Stella20
Why is H still going to IC?
ICs can typically become the validators to the people who are contributing to their paychecks.
Originally Posted by Stella20
What happened to the WS long term bond with us? How do they just flip the switch?
It was a flip switch to you but he may have been planning his getaway for years.
Originally Posted by Stella20
I think that if H ever does wake up and realize the damage he has done, that it will crush him.
Probably. Your brother is evidence of that phenomenon.
Originally Posted by Stella20
Right now I think him and OW are just justifing there actions by telling each other that they are doing the right thing, cuz its for love. Its not love, its disgusting. Makes me sick to my stomach. They are acting like teenages .... a**holes. Yep and the more you try to push them apart the more it's going to bring them together. [quote=Stella20] I know that the odds of H coming back are slim.
Not as slim as you think. The question becomes will you have moved on.
Originally Posted by Stella20
But I hold onto that f- ing hope...I wish I could just let go, I am trying but my heart does not want to yet.
You can if you want you just choose not to right now and that is perfectly normal.
Hi LH19, I really need to figure out how to do those quotes..
His issues with me... Well on BD1 he said that I was boring, that I stopped wanting to do things with him, that our sex life was not good, no passion or intamacy with me anymore, no exciement in or R, no affection.
I have looked at myself for all of this. Our life had become routine and boring since the start of covid.. no vacation planning, being stuck at home etc. I had been getting up at 4 am for 20 years to go to work. So I would go to bed 2 hours before H, this put a damper on our sex life, but we were still active weekly. H would tuck me in ever night...ever night.... Not exciting newness but still active. I felt like I only had the weekends to get the house cleaned and laundry done so I didn't got to his bowling tournaments as much as I did in the past. But the love and affection IMO, never diminshed, until his A/MLC. I know that I became comfortable, complaciant. I can see where I dropped the ball. Took our M and H for granted, I thought we would always be together, never imagined we would be in this place. Hind sight is 20/20. I let such unimportant stuff take away from spending quality time with H. Just got lazy.
Would that have made a difference, with this MLC he is going though?? Who knows.
No H has never been a cheater, or a liar. He has been cheated on in previous relationships. He was engaged to a horrible women before we started dating, that cheated on him. They would break up and get back together over and over again. When we started dating, she tried again, but H shut the door to her because of our R. Of course now he dosen't remember this part of his life, what it felt like to be cheated on.
Control, yes... My life was planned out, knew where it was heading. Now I feel lost, with no sense of direction. I do not like the unknown, I want a plan, I want to know where I am going. Now I have fear, fear of the unknown future.
You weren’t wrong to file. You have a better chance of getting a fair settlement early on, when he still might feel a shred of guilt. Also, the more reality intrudes on his fantasy life, the better.
I don’t recommend dating like your SIL, but that was probably part of what caused your brother to snap out of it so quickly. That’s why I recommend giving the APPEARANCE of dating, with plausible deniability. “I never told you I was dating, I just told you those flowers were from a friend”. He noticed it, and I guarantee some part of him wondered about it. Keep it up. They like to think we’re just waiting on a shelf as Plan B in case they want to return - it unsettles them to think we might not be there. And men being possessive, they also feel upset at the idea of another man bring with you - even when they’re living with another woman!
So hang new fancy lingerie up to dry in the bathroom, leave two used wine glasses out where he might see them, let him come shovel your snow do he has a chance to see these things. Be mysterious about where and when you’re going.
Then go about your life and imagine a fabulous new future for yourself.
I have looked at myself for all of this. Our life had become routine and boring since the start of covid.. no vacation planning, being stuck at home etc. I had been getting up at 4 am for 20 years to go to work. So I would go to bed 2 hours before H, this put a damper on our sex life, but we were still active weekly. H would tuck me in ever night...ever night.... Not exciting newness but still active. I felt like I only had the weekends to get the house cleaned and laundry done so I didn't got to his bowling tournaments as much as I did in the past. But the love and affection IMO, never diminshed, until his A/MLC. I know that I became comfortable, complaciant. I can see where I dropped the ball. Took our M and H for granted, I thought we would always be together, never imagined we would be in this place. Hind sight is 20/20. I let such unimportant stuff take away from spending quality time with H. Just got lazy.
This is very common. People from happy healthy families can see and understand this and work through the problems. People who don't typically slip up and take the easy way out.
Originally Posted by Stella20
Control, yes... My life was planned out, knew where it was heading. Now I feel lost, with no sense of direction. I do not like the unknown, I want a plan, I want to know where I am going. Now I have fear, fear of the unknown future.
Most people will choose a bad situation over the unknown. Kind of crazy when you think about it. BTW I was the same way.
What can restore that sense of control?
1) Set goals for yourself and hit them. (Get in shape, do an improvement project around the house, learn to play an instrument)
2) Interact with others. Volunteer, join a club, a little positive validation from other humans will do wonders
3) Talk to a therapist or a DB coach. You have a lot of feelings to work through, keep walking the road.
The number one challenge people have on DB is that they WANT to pursue because they want their control back, so despite knowing they shouldn't, they invent viable excuses to justify it to themselves and then do it anyway.
Lack of self control is the #1 enemy of DB. If self control were easy, no one would smoke, drink, or be overweight. Its very hard, but that's what it takes to turn things around, commitment to being counter-intuitive and fighting your impulses.
Going the other way is the *only* thing that may effect a man like that.
I often tell people, the shortest path back together is a straight line in the opposite direction.
The very best path is the minute your partner says they want out you smile, say "good luck with that", hand them a box of their stuff, and go live a kick-@ss life of your own.
In that case, they have to spend zero time focused on getting away with you and can right away shift into wondering where you've gone. That's what you want.
Kml, I love the way you think...My H always knew what I was doing, where I was. I have become very predictable over the years. Time for him to wonder...and for me to be mysterious. Love the lingerie idea, gave me a evil little chuckle..H has already asked me about a few phone numbers on our bill that he doesn't recognize..... oh thats my new friends number...
I don't know how my XSIL moved on so fast. That is not even on my radar right now, but H dosen't need to know that.
I will not be plan B!!!! That I am 100% sure of that. I am not a back up plan, I am a wonderful, caring, loving, honest, respectable person, what I gave H was true love, and a beatiful, honest life. I know my worth, I know what I bring to the table. Reality, not fantasy land, love not lust, logic not insanity, honesty and healthy emoitions, not lies ,broken promises and immature emotions. If H ever wants us back, he has a long road to travel. I will not beg (anymore), I will not talk about us to him (anymore). It has to all come from him. I did not break us, he did. I spent 8 months trying to fix us. I know I have to back away now and leave the rest to him.. I know what I want the outcome to be, at least thats what I think I want right now, but I can not force what I want on him. H needs to figure himself out, right now he thinks he is fine, he is himself.
I am trying to just let him go, give him space. I am doing good(not great) at not reaching out to him. He hasn't reached out to me since Monday, to see how surgery went. It was 2 hours past when I surgery was to be done and he text me "Are you alive? How did it go" Took me a while to get back to him. He told me to not over do it and get some rest. He knows how I have no patience and don't like being down. I always try to over do things when I need to rest. So a bit of concern, but nothing else this week. I did reach out to H on Tuesday afternoon, our church had dropped off a wooden carved cross with a picture of his Grandma on it. It had been hanging in the sancturay over the last year and the pastor dropped it off. So I sent him and his mother a picture of it, he responded with thats awesome, thanks.
The number one challenge people have on DB is that they WANT to pursue because they want their control back, so despite knowing they shouldn't, they invent viable excuses to justify it to themselves and then do it anyway.
Lack of self control is the #1 enemy of DB. If self control were easy, no one would smoke, drink, or be overweight. Its very hard, but that's what it takes to turn things around, commitment to being counter-intuitive and fighting your impulses.
Going the other way is the *only* thing that may effect a man like that.
I often tell people, the shortest path back together is a straight line in the opposite direction.
The very best path is the minute your partner says they want out you smile, say "good luck with that", hand them a box of their stuff, and go live a kick-@ss life of your own.
In that case, they have to spend zero time focused on getting away with you and can right away shift into wondering where you've gone. That's what you want.
