A future always happens

[DnJ]

Hello Andrew

Congratulations to son! Yay, his full license. That’s great!

I do hope son finds other employment. However, further education is a very good thing as well. Especially when they are older, and have seen and be treated by the world. My oldest boy went to university with a more zestful approach than when in high school. If S28 were to decide something along those lines, university, trades, whatever, I’d suspect he’d push all in.

Being a single parent even with adult kids can be tough. Boy - I wish I could "send for backup".

I hear you man.

On Friday night I nearly reached out to his mother though - someone who the last time - probably 6 years ago I tried to co-parent with just told me that I needed to just tell him what to do and that he should just listen to me. She did always try to make me the heavy. Wish I had some help on this which I think is something that pretty much everyone else here can sympathize with.

I empathize with how things feel right now, yet reaching out is not likely to garner a better way forward than what you are doing.

Forgive me if I’m a bit dense here, “wish I had some help on this”, sounds like there is more to “this” than you related. Perfectly fine, and I’m not prying, to be clear. I know you are a responsible level headed guy who wouldn’t consider reaching out over minor stuff. Big old (((bro hug))) for you.

And yes, getting it off your chest always makes the load a bit lighter.

Take care my friend.

D

[bttrfly]

I had to reach out to my ex this week relating to an insurance issue (he carries son's insurance)... that's was such a boatload of fun I'm sure I'll do it again real soon (sarcasm dripping off my keyboard) ...

Your son's come a long way and will do fine. You've set a great example for him!

[kml]

If your son has any interests in healthcare or teaching, there will be openings in those fields for years to come. Many boomers retired sooner than planned because of the pandemic.

[AndrewP]

Forgive me if I’m a bit dense here, “wish I had some help on this”, sounds like there is more to “this” than you related. Perfectly fine, and I’m not prying, to be clear. I know you are a responsible level headed guy who wouldn’t consider reaching out over minor stuff.

Yeah, there is more. Things I wish I knew how to fix but also know that they are beyond my skills. They are also probably beyond his mother's skills too. It comes down in my mind to the whole being greater than the sum of the parts.

Fortunately he is a good kid who has grown a lot in his self awareness in recent years. He'll be fine. It would just perhaps be easier if his support team was unified in their approach. I operate assuming I am doing this alone and hoping I am wrong.

[devvo]

Andrew I know exactly how you feel. Both of my sons have needed careful parenting over the last couple of years and I've felt like I'm operating blindfolded and with one arm tied behind my back. Everybody knows that a unified approach from the parental units is Parenting 101. Everybody on this board also knows the chances of us being able to achieve that are pretty much nil.

It can sometimes be just a little bit depressing.

[LH19]

Nothing really serious though - just be nice to have some help. Double-teaming the kids was a lot more effective.

Why can't you text/email your ex concerns about your son?

I drove in, we chatted some more and he mentioned in passing that he'd just left his job with no other job to hand.

So when my kids were young my ex and I started a rule that if you join/start something you need to finish it. We would not let them quit things half way through. Mainly for this reason to show them you have to finish things out even if you don't like it.

I knew he'd been unhappy there, made noises of support and reassured him that if he got stuck that the Bank of Dad could help out.

So do you think that statement helped or hampered his urgency to obtain new employment?

Despite my worries I think he's doing ok.

You say this then.......

It bothers me more than a bit that this young man who is coming up on 28 seems to be just drifting along.

You say this. Which is it?

I suppose that I can't measure him against the standards of my generation though.

Why? What's changed? Adults need to work and take care of themselves.

He's probably got at least a couple of months expenses saved - he spends practically no money and has no interest in "stuff".

Does a couple months savings sound good to you?

On Friday night I nearly reached out to his mother though - someone who the last time - probably 6 years ago I tried to co-parent with just told me that I needed to just tell him what to do and that he should just listen to me. She did always try to make me the heavy. Wish I had some help on this which I think is something that pretty much everyone else here can sympathize with.

I set my issues aside and talk strictly business with my ex when it comes to the kids. Maybe something to think about?

[DnJ]

Good Morning Andrew

For many LBS with an (ex)spouse who basically abandons their parental duties, we end up doing double duty.

Along with being the positive role model; explaining the facts of life; the bank of Dad (or Mom for those gals out there reading my good friend Andrew’s thread); being the strong stable parent; accepting/listening to angry outburst from sad/confused kids who cannot yell at their less stable other parent for fear of loosing them; we do double duty with loving parental concern too.

Things I wish I knew how to fix but also know that they are beyond my skills.

Unless you broke him, you cannot fix him. However, you can certainly influence and inspire him. Son will grow and heal himself, within your kind guidance.

just be nice to have some help. Double-teaming the kids was a lot more effective.

[XW] told me that I needed to just tell him what to do and that he should just listen to me. She did always try to make me the heavy.

I think you know how ineffective a coparenting team would be.

What made the prior team effective is still here - you. Remember, it only take one strong stable parent.

I operate assuming I am doing this alone and hoping I am wrong.

Interesting.

I operate and do this as if I’m alone, and hope oddly doesn’t factor in.

It would just perhaps be easier if his support team was unified in their approach.

At first, that seems true. Even noble, or something worthy of seeking out. It is a good strategy when kids are young, and we carry that belief forward as they grow up and become adults.

At 28, son now (or can) benefits from dissimilar viewpoints. If all one hears is the same message from all sources, one never finds or challenges their convictions.

I drove in, we chatted some more and he mentioned in passing that he'd just left his job with no other job to hand. I knew he'd been unhappy there, made noises of support and reassured him that if he got stuck that the Bank of Dad could help out. He assured me that there would be no need. Of course though that put my worry warts into over-drive.

When my eldest son quit his well paying job of somewhere around $60,000 / year, I was worried. He had saved, not purposefully albeit, still saved nonetheless, quite a bit of cash. He had by this point gone through three well paying jobs. Life kicked him around a bit, realized that the good pay with his education / skill set came from working some long nonstandard hours. Early mornings as a trucker, weekends as at the tire shop (even with his starring role in a commercial ), soft drink delivery man (another Class 1 driving gig) had few but really long days, like 14-16 hours.

So, he decided to go to university. Poof, and just like that, no income.

My support, as you can probably guess, was completely for him. My advice and suggestions and clarifying questions were middle of the road. Both sides. Pros and cons. To encourage and help him to see his reasons and find his convictions. After all, it’s his life, not mine.

I will and do, tell people to do a certain action when necessary. If someone is floundering and drowning, they usually need to be told and directed to grab the life preserver I threw out to them. Once safe and calm, we can discuss the situation. How/why they find themselves here, and where and what to do now. I’m sure you can see how that applies here. It also applies to our interactions with our kids.

Son’s not drowning. Discuss where and what he wants to do now.

It bothers me more than a bit that this young man who is coming up on 28 seems to be just drifting along. I suppose that I can't measure him against the standards of my generation though. I do hope that he gets his next thing sorted out fairly soon. He's probably got at least a couple of months expenses saved - he spends practically no money and has no interest in "stuff".

I understand your reaction to feel you should not measure son to “our” generation’s standards. Ask yourself why? Why can’t I? Why shouldn’t I?

Dig a bit.

You should measure him against that standard. For he is.

Son looks up to you. Who do you think he is measuring himself to? Who do you measure yourself to?

Believe me, son (and people in general) will amaze, often surpassing expectations when those expectations are clearly set.

This is not the arena where we keep expectations to zero. That is for interactions with irrational emotionally driven individuals.

Healthy, rational, strong, stable people require expectations. Goals, timeframes, deadline, and such. Expectations from both authority and self. That fosters responsibility, accountability, honour, loyalty, perseverance, and so on. Instils and inspires generationally handed down standards of conduct and life.

Don’t leave something that important to some goof YouTube influencer.

Without guidance, kids, people, will find it. And often accept without question. Provide viewpoints and discussion, and people can make their path and way in life. With the appropriate challenging questions along the way.

I'm proud of both of my children. They are great human beings. Are they as materially successful as I might hope? Nope. They both though have their feet under them and are determined to make it on their own and don't want any sort of rescue from Dad. They also know that Dad is out there though.

Fantastic! What a great foundation!

Fortunately he is a good kid who has grown a lot in his self awareness in recent years. He'll be fine.

Yes, he will be fine. Be open and discuss things with him.

Recently my daughter moved into a house with three roommates.

One day, a few weeks ago, she called out of the blue and ask me what I thought about her maybe moving into a four bedroom house. We discussed. She’d have three roommates and her rent would be half. Bills, electricity, internet, etc, would be roughly a quarter. Basically same distance from university, and classes are still mostly online. Same part of town, so same perceived safe neighbourhood. Three people, roommates, bring challenges. Things she hadn’t yet had to deal with. Common spaces, boyfriend/girlfriends visiting, your food disappearing, dishes, etc.

I batted around the pros and cons with her, and basically agreed that this sounded like a good thing. I then said, you are 19, you know don’t need my permission, you can move if you want. She laughed and said, yes, but I want and value your opinion.

Kids seek out guidance. And measure themselves. Be the role model they “expect” and need.

Kids really do work to make us proud. Ensure you tell them you are. Directly. Openly.

The next call, was to borrow the truck. Lol. A quick hi, bye, got to go. Ha, kids.


Andrew, I believe you are doing a good job. Just some encouragement and thoughts from a friend.

D

[Ginger1]

I know LH can be a snarky A$$. Sometimes, but he is on point.

At 28 I was a newly divorced mother of a baby. Lord knows my life didn’t go age appropriately.

As an adult your son let go of his job without a back up plan. And you let him know the bank of dad is available? You say he is drifting, so how does that motivate him to get focus?

As bank of dad , the only offer of help I would give would be a trade school. The guy I did go on that date with told me the story about how he went to a 4 year college and didn’t want to do what his major was. His grandmother offered to pay for a technical school and if he didn’t get a job in one month, he had to pay her back. Well, he did all over the above and has loved what he does for years

I realize as a parent it can be counterintuitive as well. We want to fix everything for them. But we only hurt them when we enable them.

If given the opportunity, what would you want from your ex in coparenting this situation ?

[LH19]

I know LH can be a snarky A$$.

WTF???????? et to Ginges

[AndrewP]

If given the opportunity, what would you want from your ex in coparenting this situation ?

I honestly have no idea. It's been so long and the kids' lives have changed so much in the past 6 years that I don't know. There's days though as I'm sure you can appreciate where it would be nice to be on a team to do the parenting vs doing it alone. It's the hand that's dealt me so it's the hand I play.

I could get him a job next week with a couple of phone calls. He knows this. We've talked about it before - he has the training and skills to do quite a number of things already. He wants to do it on his own and he's a grown man and will do what he thinks is best.

He emphatically doesn't want any sort of rescue and he certainly doesn't want me telling him what to do. He'll figure it out. I see my role as being supportive and listening to him. I would be beyond shocked if he did actually ask for money and I certainly am not pushing him to take any.

If his mother wants to have any involvement in his life that's between her and him and has nothing to do with me. Everyone involved in this are adults and have agency to make their own choices. I'm not going to shove myself into anything that doesn't involve me.

It's like I told him when we were out to brunch. It's not often a person gets the opportunity to re-think how they want to live their lives. He has no dependents other than his cat. Few bills, no real debt. He could open a taco stand or do whatever. The world is his oyster. Hmmm - seafood tacos? Now I'm hungry.