In the marriage, I wasn't perfect. I needed to be more empathetic, I needed to learn to listen better, I needed to help around the house more, I needed to be more sensitive. As a person I needed and still need to work on feeling my emotions. I need to be less competitive and more compassionate. I could write novels on how I could and can continue to improve -- And I was trying and still am. Again, I was no where near perfect. But I have a belief that no one is, and no marriage is, and that the issues you have are the issues you will have, so you might as well stay and get to work.
This is good stuff Scotty B. I and just about every guy on the board can relate to this post. Keep working on it.
Originally Posted by ScottB
I watch her and see how much she breaks down; not just about the marriage, but in regards to her general life, and its very sad for me.
It is sad but you have to let her tend her own stuff now.
Originally Posted by ScottB
She replied "Thank you. Honestly, I'm not ok. Yesterday was one of the toughest days of my life. I just feel like I can't keep my head above water with all the sh!t life keeps throwing at me. I don't even have time to process one thing before the next bad thing happens. Appreciate the kind words. I wanted to reach out yesterday but I couldn't find the words and the I got the news about grandma."
This was actually a pretty thoughtful response here.
Originally Posted by ScottB
I replied "It was a hard day. Words struggle to capture it all."
I think you should have left out the last sentence.
Originally Posted by ScottB
I don't know what she meant by the sh!t life keeps throwing at her.
Scotty B she just got divorced and her grandmother died. You might want to double down on the empathy work lol.
Originally Posted by ScottB
So LH, I think she is on a search for happiness. She thinks now she can own it and make it happen.
This for sure has a lot to do with it.
Originally Posted by ScottB
And I hope so, for the sake of my kids.
I agree.
Originally Posted by ScottB
I'll admit to some schadenfreude - where a small part of me gets pleasure from seeing her struggle - that "I told you so" part - but overall I would like her to find happiness.
That's ok Scotty B. DNJ is our most forgiving member and he admits to the same thing.
Originally Posted by ScottB
I just don't think its in the cards for her unless she stops to do some serious internal work, and in my experience she's not willing to do that.
As I said before every Arch is different. My Arch in particular makes it difficult. Like unreasonably difficult but I also don't know anyone who's gone through the process since Pope Francis put the onus on Arches to make is less costly and difficult. My reasoning for telling Scott to talk to some one is 1) to see what his chances are and 2) understand the process fully before starting because it's an obnoxiously tedious process. It's best to know what it's like going in and to not have to play catch up once you've already started the process, or it will drag out.
Scott,
That entire post was amazing and you've come a long, long way from the guy who first got here.
As to exW, she's still very much a broken person and you are well beyond that broken version of yourself. You've clearly done a much better job at taking an absolutely sh!t situation and turning it into a moment of growth. Take pat on the back for that and exercise her a little grace, even if she doesn't really deserve it. In her state of mind "life" throwing things at her all feel the same even if a lot of it is of her own making. You hit the nail on the head, she's going to have to do a lot of work to do to see the nature of things in order to fix herself and the way she feels. And I pray for the sake of your kids she does too.
Scott, very interesting how your ex was willing to trample on any relationship that stood in her way. I saw that in my WW early on too. Luckily she had a best friend that simultaneously wouldn't let her out of her life, and wouldn't let her skate on accountability. My W initially pulled away from this friend but the friend didn't give up. This friend also attends our church and they are best friends even to this day. But I did see that desire to end any R she saw as critical to her plan. I was shocked at that because she had always treasured friendships and relationships with family, but she was willing to trample all of that.
Great post, I know you've shared a lot of that before but that summary was awesome.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
As to exW, she's still very much a broken person and you are well beyond that broken version of yourself. You've clearly done a much better job at taking an absolutely sh!t situation and turning it into a moment of growth.
Yes, well done! While I hear LH's, "Umm.. empathy.. she just got divorced and lost her mom." lol, I'm super impressed with how you processed and responded.
Scott, you're not a narcissist. Some day she'll realize.
Scott, you're not a narcissist. Some day she'll realize.
No you are a typical male who at times is selfish and can lack empathy and compassion. Like most males accept for Wayfarer's grandfather. Right Wayfarer? lol
No you are a typical male who at times is selfish and can lack empathy and compassion. Like most males accept for Wayfarer's grandfather. Right Wayfarer? lol
Now that he's read "Gottman, Brene Brown, 'The Lost Art of Listening', and studies of the enneagram" I believe he has a leg up on the typical male or female in the empathy department.
But yeah, of course his sometimes is normal and human. (:
WF, I do find it funny though, just an observation, but you are essentially telling me to have some sympathy for Scott's ex (which I do not), but then tell me what I would or wouldn't want.
In short, you are entitled to your opinion about the sincerity of her tears. And I am to mine. Peace.
I'm not being contrary to be contrary to you. But you say out of pocket things and I'm going to call you out like I do to every one else when I feel like they took it a step too far.
I'm not defending how Scott's wife tanked this MR. In fact I'm not defending her at all. I'm explaining things as I see them. Most importantly I'm trying to get across that there are real people behind those tears. And treating every WAS/WS like they are a criminally insane caricature of an awful ex is beyond counterproductive, especially when the D is done. There's nothing to gain by mind-reading with the assumption of malintent. There's a lot to gain by recognizing the person you have to co-parent with the rest of your life is a person. Maybe not a particularly likable or lovable person but a person. But you've never had to spend years co-parenting with an ex of any kind. Not an unstable ex, not an addicted ex, not a volatile ex, not an unreliable ex, not an unpredictable ex, not even a pretty nice ex.
You're entitled to your opinion as always. And I don't have any expectation that you need to agree with me, but it would be nice that instead of doubling down you'd try recognize maybe, just maybe, I know a thing or two about this that you don't.
I have never questioned your knowledge or wisdom, WF! You are one of my favorite posters. I was a bit surprised with the confrontational nature with which you disagreed, hasn't been your style 'til now. So it did seem to come across as more of a "I am right and you are wrong" thing. I was never trying to tell you that you were wrong, just that what my perspective is. Whether yours or mine is right may never be known. But WASs that cry after they get what they want irritate me regardless of the reasons behind it. -shrug-
Last edited by SteveLW; 03/04/2202:58 PM.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
But WASs that cry after they get what they want irritate me regardless of the reasons behind it. -shrug-
As far as I know my exw only cried once when we told the kids. By that time I was over questioning any of he behavior. It seemed sincere and I am guessing a convo she never dreamed of nor wanted to have. I am sure she cried at other times and I just don't know about it.
This summer which would have been our 3rd year D mark we were at a her cousins wedding. She was the maid of honor. During the ceremony I was watching her and she was emotionless. No tears just kind of a blank stare. I felt sad for her.
I was at my daughters volleyball game and after it ended I went up to my ex to let her know that I would pick my daughter up at 12:30 PM tomorrow for a daddy daughter dance it starts at 2 PM. She quits why so early and I said because we were invited to join some other dads and daughters beforehand. I had gotten the invite a little earlier during the volleyball tournament.
Anyhow, in a aggressive tone she said “do you know a little bit of notice would’ve been nice!“
She went on to tell me how she spent no time with the kids recently and she didn’t appreciate that.
I asked her if she had anything planned and said it wasn’t a big deal I can pick them up later and she simply said “it’s fine“
It reminded me so much of our marriage. And for me the frustrating thing is she got the kids on Wednesday and because of her grandmothers funeral she’s taking my Monday and Tuesday from me.
She had done a nice thing where she said I could have the kids for dinner on Sunday, why feel the need to make aggressive remarks.
She could simply choose to be nice and say in the future if something like that happens I’d appreciate it if you could tell me ahead of time, and we could’ve talked about it. But instead he tries to get a bit of a digging.
Anyhow, it actually made me feel good that it was over, the marriage that is. I’m just tired of dealing with aggressive remarks from somebody, she also pointed out that I didn’t ask her if I could pick our daughter up at that time.
