Scott, we'll find you even if you change the name. Traffic in "Newcomers" has been light, lately. Hopefully not so many people being BD'd over the holidays, although Feb 14th is coming.
Readers will always find you because of your name and if your threads are linked together. So, if you want to change your thread title, you can do so.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
BL42: It is surreal. It feels disordered. I watch mom's walking there kids down my sidewalk and I miss that wholesomeness. The issue is that if she never left, I just don't think she ever would have changed. And therefore things would have just gotten worse and worse. She was so bought into the fact that I was the problem that she just didn't look at herself at all.
I think Steve nails it on that point when he says "if my spouse had been unwilling to change or work on things, then I can honestly say that I would have been better off D'd than trying to hang on." That's hard to accept when you are in the fight, but with time and space you, if you think on it - what if we stayed together and she never owned any of it? what if she didn't change? - you can see how horrible it could become.
My IC also referred me to a new book to read - he said it was short - called Detach or Die, haha. I'll let you know how it goes.
The issue is that if she never left, I just don't think she ever would have changed. And therefore things would have just gotten worse and worse. She was so bought into the fact that I was the problem that she just didn't look at herself at all.
Why would she change? No incentive.
Originally Posted by ScottB
I think Steve nails it on that point when he says "if my spouse had been unwilling to change or work on things, then I can honestly say that I would have been better off D'd than trying to hang on."
Yep. You don't know it in think of it because you think what you are going through and putting up with is normal.
Originally Posted by ScottB
That's hard to accept when you are in the fight, but with time and space you, if you think on it - what if we stayed together and she never owned any of it? what if she didn't change? - you can see how horrible it could become.
Yep. That's why going the other way is the best option. You are taken out of the equation right away. If you would have D'd her when you first found her cheating you probably would have reconciled by now if you wanted to.
Scott, glad to hear from you! It’s great you’re processing and seeing an IC. I am, too.
That’s a valid way oro look at it. If she hasn’t changed over time, and you needed her to change for the relationship to be a plus in your life, then maybe it’s for the best y that she moved on?
Originally Posted by Scott
I watch mom's walking there kids down my sidewalk and I miss that wholesomeness
I walk my tween to school. Is that something you could do? What do you see when other parents do that, that you feel you or they are missing out on?
Anyhow, I had a good talk with my cousin last night. She asked the question I alluded to above, "what if she hadn't left and didn't change?", which really got me to thinking.
Yikes. In that world I would have seen my happiness continue to decrease. I would have felt more and more trapped. I think my self esteem would have continued to erode. And it would have gotten more and more expensive financially. I honestly think suicide has a larger idea could have entered the picture.
In her actions to end the marriage, even though I'm sad, I agree she did me a favor - maybe actually saved my life. I never would have left. And I don't think she ever would have changed. It would have gotten worse.
How many inappropriate relationships with other men was I willing to endure? How would have that impacted me?
I've become more of myself since she left. More confident in who I am. I've gotten to know myself a lot better. And I'm building of foundation of self that is healthier. I'm building stronger, fuller, better relationships with my kids and I can do crazy new things.
Like I can put Tupperware in the dishwasher, I can work out whenever I want, I can make whatever I want for dinner or go out to eat. I can clean up when I want to clean up or let things go when I want to let them go. I can let the kids stay up to watch shows if we're having fun. If I leave a burner on or forget to lock a door (sometimes I just leave them unlocked because) I never get yelled at, threatened, or scolded.
How many inappropriate relationships with other men was I willing to endure? How would have that impacted me?
So going forward will you tolerate this behavior in your relationships?
Originally Posted by ScottB
I've become more of myself since she left. More confident in who I am. I've gotten to know myself a lot better. And I'm building of foundation of self that is healthier. I'm building stronger, fuller, better relationships with my kids and I can do crazy new things.
Awesome!
Originally Posted by ScottB
Like I can put Tupperware in the dishwasher, I can work out whenever I want, I can make whatever I want for dinner or go out to eat. I can clean up when I want to clean up or let things go when I want to let them go. I can let the kids stay up to watch shows if we're having fun. If I leave a burner on or forget to lock a door (sometimes I just leave them unlocked because) I never get yelled at, threatened, or scolded.
LOL. I think our ex's are sisters. I love being the Master of my own domain!
Anyhow, I had a good talk with my cousin last night. She asked the question I alluded to above, "what if she hadn't left and didn't change?", which really got me to thinking.
Yikes. In that world I would have seen my happiness continue to decrease. I would have felt more and more trapped. I think my self esteem would have continued to erode. And it would have gotten more and more expensive financially. I honestly think suicide has a larger idea could have entered the picture.
In her actions to end the marriage, even though I'm sad, I agree she did me a favor - maybe actually saved my life. I never would have left. And I don't think she ever would have changed. It would have gotten worse.
How many inappropriate relationships with other men was I willing to endure? How would have that impacted me?
I've become more of myself since she left. More confident in who I am. I've gotten to know myself a lot better. And I'm building of foundation of self that is healthier. I'm building stronger, fuller, better relationships with my kids and I can do crazy new things.
Like I can put Tupperware in the dishwasher, I can work out whenever I want, I can make whatever I want for dinner or go out to eat. I can clean up when I want to clean up or let things go when I want to let them go. I can let the kids stay up to watch shows if we're having fun. If I leave a burner on or forget to lock a door (sometimes I just leave them unlocked because) I never get yelled at, threatened, or scolded.
Its kind of nice.
Wow, this is really good perspective. As I said before, the LBS often forgets just how miserable they were before BD. BD happens and suddenly in the LBS' mind the WAS/WS is the greatest thing since sliced bread and if they leave and don't stay the earth will stop spinning.
But when you step back with perspective and look at things objectively, with the reflection that the passage of time gives, you can realize that things weren't working for the LBS pre-BD either. In most people's situations, BD could have occurred from either spouse. It just so happens most people that post here are the LBS. But they could have very easily, in most cases, been the WAS.
And it is okay to still be sad that it didn't work out while simultaneously feeling like she did you a favor.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
