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Thanks for the update. 55 here as well. I have been lacking in the exercise department. I always enjoyed the low impact of biking, so I will be starting that back up on the trainer so I can ride harder this spring.


"What is best for my kids is best for me"
Amor Fati
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Originally Posted by Taz
No plans for dating in the near future
How come?

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Taz,

Thank you for coming back and giving us an update. I am so sorry that things didn't work out, but you are a survivor.

Don't compare your life with others. The reason that I say this is that people, in general, want us to be happy and they think that once the ink is dry on the divorce decree that you should be out there searching for the next companion. For some that works, for others, it takes longer to get from Part A to Part B. You are wise to take this time for yourself. You will know when you are ready to date again. It may not be today, tomorrow or next month....but you will know.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Good Morning Taz

How good to her from you!

Your divorce agreement does appear much like your counter proposal. By the sounds of it, you managed to retain that which was of value and importance to you - house, business, farm.

Yes, your XW is a vanisher. At first, it’s hard to fathom that one’s spouse could/would become who they now are. They are very lost souls. We do gain understanding, compassion, and let go; with much head shaking in bewilderment.

Originally Posted by Taz
I'm not not sure how I feel about her anymore. Apathetic when it comes to me and confused when it comes her relationship with our sons. I hope for their sake she figures it out.

A perfectly normal and healthy state. Such is indifference. Muted and attenuated emotions.

And this, like all feelings, is merely temporary. I’ll share a bit.

I do recall feeling similar about my XW. Note: “About”. Felt about what she did, how treats me, how she treats the kids, how she is living her life, and so on. And I hoped, for the kids’ sake, she would figure it out.

That progressed to felt “towards” XW. Not about her, towards her. Less science experiment and more hurt lost soul. We do find understanding, compassion, empathy, and forgiveness. We do shift our view. That rolling back of indifference.

And I hope for her sake she figures it out.

This shift happens for a variety of reasons. Some of the key ones are, I am captain of my ship, I control me. Also my kids are healed and doing fine. Many open conversation and addressing their concerns and questions. Getting through the teen years and to healthy adults. smile And love the person, forgive the sin. That really shifts one’s focus from about what happened and towards themselves and their values. For the place of true peace and contentment lay in us.

Well done with S23. I’ve had to bite my tongue more than once regarding my kids and their choices too. Letting them sort things out is part of their path and growth.

Take care Taz.

D


Feelings are fleeting.
Be better, not bitter.
Love the person, forgive the sin.
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Originally Posted by LH19
Originally Posted by Taz
No plans for dating in the near future
How come?

Good question. I'm just not feeling it yet, need to heal a bit more and continue to grow as a person before I head down that road. May be a bit of fear as well. Some of the bad experiences that other posters have shared lead me to be a bit cautious. I'll get there.

Always appreciate your candidness LH. I know I haven't asked for much advice in my sitch, but I read what you post to others and know you come from a good place. Keep it up.

T


M57 (53@BD)
XW55 (50@BD)
S24 (20@BD) S22 (19@BD)
Married 25 (22@BD) Together 28
BD 9/29/19 (moved out unannounced while I was on fishing trip)
W filed 10/19/20 (Informed me via text)
D final 11/10/22
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Taz,
Yep - I hear ya on the not feeling it and also taking other posters' experiences as cautionary tales. I will say I've been feeling a little more open to maybe meeting someone lately, but ... I feel like a bit of a feral cat!

We will both get there when we're supposed to. Have a great day and glad you posted an update.


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D 12/23/16

"Someone I loved once gave me
A box full of darkness.
It took me years to understand,
That this too, was a gift."
~ Mary Oliver
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Taz,

Good to hear from you and glad things are going well for the most part.

I love the tradition you've started by going to Key West with friends over wedding anniversary / BD. Not sure if it's intentional or not, but think you should continue it.

How did you feel about the D finalizing? I bet there were some mixed emotions...grief and relief? Good news you got your key items (house, business & farm).

Well done on the exercise, reading, and GAL....keep it up!

Originally Posted by Taz
Originally Posted by LH19
Originally Posted by Taz
No plans for dating in the near future
How come?
Good question. I'm just not feeling it yet, need to heal a bit more and continue to grow as a person before I head down that road. May be a bit of fear as well. Some of the bad experiences that other posters have shared lead me to be a bit cautious. I'll get there.

Always appreciate your candidness LH. I know I haven't asked for much advice in my sitch, but I read what you post to others and know you come from a good place. Keep it up.

T
Great answer!

Well done by S21 and as for S23...not sure if you've followed ScottB in Newcomers but he's been doing all sorts of incredible trips for GAL turned me onto a book called Die With Zero: Getting All You Can from Your Money and Your Life by Bill Perkins. Interesting read; it would back up his decision to go explore while he's young. Maybe add it to your list. of books

In terms of XW, two things...

First, I feel mostly bad for your son's and the impact this is having on their relationship with their mother (or lack there of). Not that your struggle isn't important, but the kids seem even more wronged than a spouse...if that makes sense. I only mean in my sitch I can understand if the marriage is working or blaming the spouse for all your problems, but abandoning the kids seems extra harsh.

Second, in responding to this I re-read your entire thread (again). Not to rehash the past, and I'm assuming you have thought of this but wondering if you ever pondered your 5/17/20 - Returning S19's HS Yearbook & CC pullover post with your later posts on 11/8/20 - Interesting Rumors, 1/18/21 - Discovery, and 1/18/21 - Fooling around with former classmate, and 1/11/22 - Fantasy WA with 17yo while chaperoning. In reading through the whole sitch it now seems like borrowing the yearbook and sports pullover is foreshadowing to her trist with your son's classmate.

Anyway, glad to hear you're doing well. Keep us posted once in awhile.


Me:39 Ex-W:37
M:7 T: 9
S:6 D:3
BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20
OM1 affair ends: May '20
W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20
W files for D: Jul20
OM2 confirmed: 9/2020
Divorced: May '21
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Originally Posted by Taz
Good question. I'm just not feeling it yet, need to heal a bit more and continue to grow as a person before I head down that road. May be a bit of fear as well. Some of the bad experiences that other posters have shared lead me to be a bit cautious. I'll get there.

T

I really respect and admire that, Taz. My BD series started in 2013, and he filed in 2018, and I am finally waiting for trial in February. I have teens and don't see how I could ever keep food on the table, pursue my art and also find time to go on a date, let alone be a caring and loving partner to someone.

That said, I noticed recently that I caught myself wishing someone would want to take me to dinner once, just to get to have some great conversation with an adult who thought of me as more than a friend. The thought of someone intentionally asking to spend time with me (and actually pay for my food!) seems so impossible and amazing. I would never do the on-line thing but I do sometimes think of it, not to find a partner but just go to dinner!

Also totally agree about the kids. Sometimes I want to pressure mine and sometimes I do, but mostly I try to keep the lines of trust and communication open. I am reading (listening to actually) a lot of books on childhood trauma (most notably the Body Keeps the Score and What Happened to You but for a manly approach I also liked Own Your Past, Change Your Future) to work out my own childhood trauma and how it led me to marry such a dark force of a man -- but I also realize how deeply my kids are living out the trauma they experienced in small ways everyday -- anxiety, aches and pains, fears, lack of focus. My main job is to love them with as much openness of heart as I can find.

(Also your son is correct! I love WV, my mom moved out to Harper's Ferry some years back and I was always amazed at how gorgeous it is, so healing, so much clarity out there in the woods and mountains. As a kid we used to camp at Cunningham Falls, I forget if that's WV or the edge of MD/VA.)

Hey, Taz, based on your posts since you arrived, you seem like a really good guy who does not engage ever in BS. That's unusual! I think if/when you are ever ready, someone will be lucky to spend time with you. But if you aren't, it's also excellent that you are complete on your own. I think that's where I am too.

Last edited by Gerda; 12/04/22 08:31 PM.

I believe I will see the bounty of the Lord in the land of the living.
Wait for the Lord with courage.
Be stouthearted, and wait for the Lord.
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Gerda,

Thanks for the vote of confidence, I feel for you and your complicated situation. At the core we are good people and perhaps flawed like all humans. Hate to see all the suffering endured by the children. They deserve better.

HD


M57 (53@BD)
XW55 (50@BD)
S24 (20@BD) S22 (19@BD)
Married 25 (22@BD) Together 28
BD 9/29/19 (moved out unannounced while I was on fishing trip)
W filed 10/19/20 (Informed me via text)
D final 11/10/22
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Time for an update,

Life is good. Still hitting the gym 3-4 days a week and walking daily. Put on 5lbs and am now only 15lbs below pre BD weight which is a healthy weight for me. Work is good as our firm had our best year ever. I am starting to think about retirement but don’t have any concrete plans as of yet. Go out with friends 3 nights a week and vacation twice a year with my usual crew. 4 year BD and 1 year divorce anniversaries passed with minimal feelings. Not dating but have some new female friends that I socialize with.

S24 is still taking a break from white collar work. This year he has worked at a BSA high adventure camp in the Florida Keys, a fall camp in WV teaching elementary kids outdoor skills, and is now back in Colorado working at a ski resort. He seems to be enjoying life to the fullest. I only provide guidance if asked. He has applied to graduate school for a masters in an engineering technology that will start in late summer if accepted. He lives with me in between assignments.

S22 graduated with his BSEE in May (3.99GPA) and has started law school. Fortunately he has a full tuition scholarship so I only assist with room and board. He is planning on focusing on intellectual property law and has been interviewing for summer internships. Kid is a genius. Kind of humbling when you have to face that your kids are smarter that you.

My XMIL still sends me holiday and b-day greeting cards. She calls me occasionally to chat and ask about my parents and the boys. I never mention or ask about XW.

XW?? She’s a full time vanisher and haven’t heard from her in over a year. S24 told me he had lunch with her this spring after not seeing her in over 2 years. S22 hasn’t seen her in over 2 years which I assume is his choice. I do hope that one day she gets it together and attempts to reconcile with them.

Taz


M57 (53@BD)
XW55 (50@BD)
S24 (20@BD) S22 (19@BD)
Married 25 (22@BD) Together 28
BD 9/29/19 (moved out unannounced while I was on fishing trip)
W filed 10/19/20 (Informed me via text)
D final 11/10/22
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