Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 5 of 9 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 6,119
Likes: 408
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 6,119
Likes: 408
Originally Posted by Traveler
@Butterfly, I’m aware the notion many WAS are not aliens can be controversial here. I also know why I and my friends behaved a certain way. My $0.02.

Back to kas, I hope this saga ends for you soon.
I would like to point something out that should be obvious to all here, but has perhaps been overlooked or forgotten: the people who put this board together many years ago had the foresight to understand that there are two sides to every story, and that there ought to be a forum for the WAS to get support. They also had the foresight to realize that the WAS forum needs to be separate from the forums which support the LBS. This allows a place for each side to air their views, concerns, etc, while ensuring that people who are suffering and going through their own private version of h#ll are given the support they need without being triggered.

I respectfully suggest that you, Traveler, specifically, and anyone else who wants to espouse the views and justifications of the WAS do so on the WAS forum, where there is a higher likelihood of getting validation for leaving a marriage. I'm being very specific Traveler because you trip that line far more than any other poster I've read. It's not appropriate and frankly is harmful to others seeking help from damage caused by their WAS. If you want to talk about why you left your marriage and why your friends all let theirs, please do so on the forum designed to support your views on the subject.

https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=postlist&Board=78&page=1

If. you want to discuss issues you face post D, this particular forum is appropriate.

KAS, apologies for the hijack.


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D 12/23/16

"Someone I loved once gave me
A box full of darkness.
It took me years to understand,
That this too, was a gift."
~ Mary Oliver
Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 18,913
Likes: 316
K
kml Offline
Member
Offline
Member
K
Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 18,913
Likes: 316
Jeez everybody - there ARE people who leave their marriages for legitimate reasons. That’s not the typical WASs most of us are dealing with here, but they do exist out in the wider world. I don’t see why this triggered people so much - there have been several LBSs here who decided that their temp support was a better deal than their divorce would be, and that they should sit with that - how is that different for the wife of the guy who raided by the feds? And D, we love you, but you yourself have admitted that you let your (likely mentally ill or addicted) exW take a terribly unfair deal in the divorce, how is that more moral?

Seems like it’s been “jump on Traveller” week when I respect that he’s been very open about his trauma and his struggles. How about we lighten up and give everyone the benefit of the doubt?

Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 9,227
Likes: 309
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 9,227
Likes: 309
Well K you need to understand your audience. It’s like going to an AA forum and asking people to go out for drinks. The interesting thing about T is that when you read his posts he talks about wanting someone that will stick by him no matter what and he doesn’t see the karma that he’s getting back from his situation.

But to your point yes there are reasons to leave a marriage.

Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 4,627
Likes: 71
T
Member
Offline
Member
T
Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 4,627
Likes: 71
Originally Posted by LH19
The interesting thing about T is that when you read his posts he talks about wanting someone that will stick by him no matter what and he doesn’t see the karma that he’s getting back from his situation.
I get you want spouses who leave broken relationships to face "karma", and it's a challenge for you that 11yrs later I have no regrets. My ex was abusive. That's not the "'Til Death Do Us Part" I was or am looking for. wink

If the relationship was bad or abusive--kas has talked repeatedly about how she feels her XH vilified her to her children--the future can be much brighter on the other side. Especially if we work through our anger towards them, especially if we risk being vulnerable again, especially if we learn to select better partners. It's a journey.

Joined: Jan 2018
Posts: 4,645
Likes: 472
D
DnJ Offline
Member
Offline
Member
D
Joined: Jan 2018
Posts: 4,645
Likes: 472
Originally Posted by kml
And D, we love you, but you yourself have admitted that you let your (likely mentally ill or addicted) exW take a terribly unfair deal in the divorce, how is that more moral?

I let her? Really? Two financial planners and her lawyer could not stop her. She crafted the terms. I specifically told her to gut me like a fish. She was entitled to half of everything. My goodness she signed so many waivers.

As for moral, I didn’t stand in her way. I didn’t twist anything. I presented the financial information clearly. My pension clearly. Her half clearly. I certainly did not block her way or go against her wishes and purposefully prolonged things. She set the pace.

Mostly, my finesse of negotiating was to just STFU. She had half of everything. She threw it and her kids away. I caught them.

In my locale there is a mandatory one year cooldown / waiting period after separation before one can file for divorce. XW filed. Not me. It was a complete surprise to me. She demanded the already imposed terms. She again demanded herself no custody of the kids and no responsibility. She paid the legal fees. With the cooldown time passed, everything went before a judge. All without needing my signature. I was basically served a divorce notice. The divorce was ruled and passed six months later.

I didn’t let her. And I legally could not stop her. You remember how she demanded to have adultery charges filed against herself? That, is one thing I purposefully had removed from the agreement. I didn’t tell her. And she wasn’t happy when that tidbit came to light.

I inquired if I could contest my divorce. An odd inquiry for sure given the splitting of assets. I could not. Here, it is no fault divorce. One cannot contest or stop the process. Especially when they have nothing to do work with. It’s not like I would demand I don’t want the kids, make them wards of the state.

The divorce itself is unstoppable and incontestable. Soon to be ex couples can only squabble over things - money and kids. The uncoupling / divorce is not something either let’s happen. It only takes one to pay for it. Society is frighteningly efficient at progressing the legalities of ending relationships.

The immoral I was speaking of, is knowingly willfully purposefully delaying to place a financial squeeze upon a spouse to get more than a fair share. If the WAS is leaving an abusive R, and they have a fair deal, sticking around is only dragging themselves down. Abusing the abuser might feel good, yet it isn’t moral.

The ends do not justify the means.

The few steps I had in my divorce process, I took with my values intact. One doesn’t achieve a true positive outcome if they take shady steps along the way.

I truly do not wish nor hold out for karma upon anyone. Fate, God, the universe, will do what it will. I respect people’s right to choose. My XW, and OM, I respect their choice and free will. I can illustrate my perceived shortcomings regarding certain choices. Yet, in the end, each person has to live with themselves. We all colour our soul with the choices we make; with what we stand for, and with what we remain silent upon.

My life is gentle and peaceful. When I listen I can hear the divine. It matters not if others do not believe me, or in me. For God does.

D


Feelings are fleeting.
Be better, not bitter.
Love the person, forgive the sin.
1 member likes this: Taz
Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 18,913
Likes: 316
K
kml Offline
Member
Offline
Member
K
Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 18,913
Likes: 316
Usually a woman leaving an abuser with kids is not getting a fair deal even when she gets a legally “fair” deal. And Ginger is not getting a fair deal with only $88 a week in child support from her ex while she has her almost all the time and bears the lions share of emotional and financial costs. Even my very fair deal is not fair now that my cheap ex has declined to contribute to any of the needs our adult children have needed help with, including our Aspergers son and my middle son who has Ehlers Danlos syndrome and other serious medical problems. In fact he’s largely abdicated parenting altogether, leaving it all on my shoulders while he pretends he’s thirty with his child bride. Must be nice to walk away from all your family responsibilities.

Generally, the statistics show that women suffer, on average, far worse financially than men after divorce. A recent study on gray divorce (after 50) which you can find in pubmed shows:
“ Results: Women experienced a 45% decline in their standard of living (measured by an income-to-needs ratio), whereas men's dropped by just 21%. These declines persisted over time for men, and only reversed for women following repartnering, which essentially offset women's losses associated with gray divorce. ”.

The study goes on to say that few women go on to live with a partner after divorce in this age group.

So let’s not be too quick to judge.

Joined: May 2019
Posts: 1,622
Likes: 12
K
kas99 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
K
Joined: May 2019
Posts: 1,622
Likes: 12
I’m DIVORCED!!!!!

Having my first drink in 3 years, got matching tattoos with D19 and I got a cake. I’ll catch up on this thread tomorrow.

Thank you to everyone here for supporting me. Woo!! Hoo!!

Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 4,627
Likes: 71
T
Member
Offline
Member
T
Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 4,627
Likes: 71
Congratulations, kas99! That's fantastic news. Celebrate and enjoy. (:

Joined: Jul 2020
Posts: 1,760
Likes: 193
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Jul 2020
Posts: 1,760
Likes: 193
kas99,

I'm not one to celebrate divorce, but also know your now ExH has taken ridiculous actions to fight you on it...despite living with OW for several years. Enjoy the peace of mind finally closing out the the process and putting it behind you will bring.


Me:39 Ex-W:37
M:7 T: 9
S:6 D:3
BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20
OM1 affair ends: May '20
W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20
W files for D: Jul20
OM2 confirmed: 9/2020
Divorced: May '21
Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 18,913
Likes: 316
K
kml Offline
Member
Offline
Member
K
Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 18,913
Likes: 316
Hooray! I never understood why people would celebrate a divorce, until my fairly simple and not too contentious divorce took two years. I was just so glad to be done with all the paperwork and move on!!! I wanted to throw a party and drink margaritas!

Page 5 of 9 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard