The divorce that won't end

[kml]

I'm over the financial injustice but I'm not over the OW.

I often think, though, that if one won the lottery after the WAS left, how much better we might feel about it?

It's nice not having to walk on eggshells all the time after a WAS leaves - I realized I was better off without him too. But it's natural to want karma to bite them in the you know where. Usually it does eventually because, wherever he goes, there he is. He can't leave his problems behind if the problem is inside, as it usually is. But being stuck in this protracted divorce is keeping you from moving on as you would like, as it keeps your attention in the wrong place. I hope he signs soon.

Meanwhile, try as best as you can to keep your focus on YOUR future. Imagine the best and brightest future you can. Live your best life!

[DnJ]

Hello kas

I got to thinking last night that all my attorney did was send a final offer. If he doesn't take it then we go to court.

You’ve provided a fair offer. The ball is now in STBXH’s court. No need to focus upon it for the time being.

I'm whining. I got to thinking last night my only fear is that I'm going to end up alone. I'm not interested in doing this again and have zero interest in dating right now. I'll be 56 this year.

And yes I realize this is everyone's fear (said after I peeked at a few other threads). I need to stop worrying because for me life has always worked out even if I hated the process. lol

Don't get me wrong sometimes I miss having a SO but then I imagine what it would be like and I'm like nope I'm good. But I'm sure once the kids move out I might feel differently.

It’s ok. You’re allowed to whine.

Now, I’m pretty sure you know me and my striving to be, and see, accurate. Therefore, a few helpful suggestions.

I totally get being fearful of ending up alone. However, I think the fear is being lonely rather than alone. There is a difference. One can feel lonely while in a room full of people. And one can be content while being on their own and alone.

My hustle and bustle household of six is now just me. The four kids have all moved out and I live alone, aside from my two outside dogs. And I am not lonely.

Fear is a very real response to an imagined future. A future that is only a possibility. Fear is crafted and reinforced from the linking of our unwanted imagined future with certain triggers or events. Untying that link, dispels fear.

I’ve posted quite a bit on various strategies for uncoupling and letting go of fear. It is not as easy as just stop doing it. Fear lives mostly in our irrational realm. It exists completely outside of our logical and rational directly controllable self. A pure logic is devoid of emotion and thus knows not fear. That is different than fearless.

One of my favourite strategies is to rationalize our irrational coupling between future and event and outcome. Firstly, one has to acknowledge what fear is; that uncontrollable feeling of dread. To acknowledge its area of effect is within our irrational self. With that, we realize we can utilize our direct control of thoughts and actions to affect/craft/encourage/reinforce different links for those triggers or events. Like T said, you still have support of loving family and friends; pointing out a good positive future. And you are already re-linking when you imagine the good future without grouchy H.

I'm over the financial injustice but I'm not over the OW. He didn't have to date at all she just fell into his lap at work. He never had to be single, never had to be alone. Not for one single day. 3 years later and they are still together.

What's stupid is I like being single. After 30 years of living with a grouch this is like a breath of fresh air. It's like my brain is stuck though and I can't get past it. Does that make sense??

Very nice to see you acknowledge and know what’s bothering you. And yes, feeling like your brain is stuck, does make sense.

Stuck and can’t get past it. (I’m going to point out some inaccuracies. Then you can see clearly and move forward easier.)

Let’s start with “can’t”. Can’t get past it. Nope. It’s, “won’t”. I’m stuck and won’t get passed it.

Your mind is always listening. What you say matters. Your mind crafts your reality, and it will make what you say - real. If you say can’t, your mind will ensure it remains impossible. And very few things are truly impossible. (Me becoming pregnant is an example. )

This speaking accurately really matter for that internal voice we all have. That story we tell inside ourself. If you think/say can’t, you’ll end up believing it.

“Won’t” is awesome. That very word and idea allows for change. “Won’t” puts you in control, its not left to fate or the situation or H or some other out of reach thing. You control you.

“I won’t” can become “I can” which becomes “I will” and eventually “I do” and “I did”.

It is also interesting your usage of being stuck.

Grief takes time to traverse. It is pretty clear you have angry feelings. And as you say, somewhat stuck. My opinion is two fold, the aforementioned believing in “can’t”. The second is your unrealized reason for your anger.

You state you are over the financial injustice but not over OW. And then vent about H’s luck and his charmed life of the last three years, and nothing about OW.

kas, you are over OW (from what’s written and for the purposes of this post). It’s H’s seemingly good fortune; his never having to date, never having to be single, never having to be alone; with which you are stuck. Not OW.

One needs to see clearly to find their way.

Seeing and feeling our emotions towards the real and intended target is needed. Then one can feel and let go.

I'm over the financial injustice but I'm not over the OW yet still upset over H’s seemingly good fortune. He didn't have to date at all she just fell into his lap at work. He never had to be single, never had to be alone. Not for one single day. 3 years later and they are still together.

Knowing what you are upset with gives you something that you can work on to make things better for you.

Notice all the “you” in the previous statement? There were four of them. Try say it while emphasizing each.

Grief is us finding acceptance which is emotional understanding. Grief is a process of one’s self. It’s about you.

You are striving to accept H’s good fortune. Let go. It matters not. Accept it.


Lastly for this post:

What's stupid is I like being single.

Not stupid at all. Your mind is listening.

There is nothing wrong with being single. In fact, remaining single is a very wise choice while embroiled within a divorce, and for a good year post signed legal finalized divorce. Much will settle after the divorce fades and the shenanigans of H are mere memories.

I am glad you like being single. And I know you don’t mean it’s stupid, but your mind doesn’t know that. Now that’s something to get your mind wrapped around. Lol.

Have a great night.

D

[devvo]

I'm over the financial injustice but I'm not over the OW. He didn't have to date at all she just fell into his lap at work. He never had to be single, never had to be alone. Not for one single day. 3 years later and they are still together.

What's stupid is I like being single. After 30 years of living with a grouch this is like a breath of fresh air. It's like my brain is stuck though and I can't get past it. Does that make sense??

It does to me! I think it's to do with this belief we have in Karma, consequences, whatever else we like to call it and our cognitive dissonance when it doesn't happen.

What I find interesting is, were you to grievously injure a person - even unintentionally, the civil courts expect you to pay heed to the damage you've done. Sums of money are paid to claimants to compensate for loss and suffering. The only exception in civil law here is divorce. There is no legal remedy for the loss and suffering inflicted like other civil cases involving damages. There isn't even an expectation on the WAS to apologise for any suffering they cause.

Marriages are a contract, but to be honest I'm not sure why we bother with them. If one of the partners in normal contractual arrangement breaks any part of a normal business agreement, they are usually held to account and made to pay in one way or another. This doesn't seem to apply to marriage contracts. I believe this is a consequence of no-fault divorces - which I am beginning to think aren't as marvellous as they first seemed.

I think that's why a lot of us resent the WAS (and APs) sometimes - particularly when it looks like they got away with detonating our lives (and those of our children) without a single shred of accountability.

[AndrewP]

I'm over the financial injustice but I'm not over the OW. He didn't have to date at all she just fell into his lap at work. He never had to be single, never had to be alone. Not for one single day. 3 years later and they are still together.

What's stupid is I like being single. After 30 years of living with a grouch this is like a breath of fresh air. It's like my brain is stuck though and I can't get past it. Does that make sense??

One thing I said shortly after my divorce was "you never know you are living under a cloud until you walk in the sunshine". I spent 26 years walking on eggshells around my xW believing that I had a decent marriage. I'm 2 years older than you with the kids all thoroughly moved out and have also learned to really appreciate not having to worry about dealing with anyone else. But also miss having someone around to care for.

I had a lot of resentment at the beginning as well that my xW had OM from the beginning and never had to be alone. That changed though to a bit of karma thinking knowing that he would have to deal with her moods and anger at the world. They've stuck it out though - so good for them.

One thing that occurs to me and is based on my very minimal dating experience is that people often expect their new partner to be a replacement for their old one. And also, without the time on their own to learn and grow, I expect that they will stay that same person. Sure, there may be a bit of shine put on the turd for a while, but underneath it's all still the same. Or at least so I believe.

I think the phrase is "no matter where you go - there you are".

Marriages are a contract, but to be honest I'm not sure why we bother with them. If one of the partners in normal contractual arrangement breaks any part of a normal business agreement, they are usually held to account and made to pay in one way or another. This doesn't seem to apply to marriage contracts. I believe this is a consequence of no-fault divorces - which I am beginning to think aren't as marvellous as they first seemed.

Even though I ended up with the short end of the stick financially (from some points of view) in my divorce, I still think that no-fault divorces are a good idea. It reduces the drama and angst I am sure.

Looking at it from a contract law point of view (not a lawyer but have had to read a fair number of contracts), one thing that jumped out at me on my settlement agreement is how each clause is severable from the entire agreement. In most contracts this is not the case. Breach one clause and the whole contract is null and void. Not so - at least here - with separation agreements. Interesting that a marriage is a legal contract as well but the number of clauses are much fewer (cherish and be faithful) but that breach of the fidelity and cherish clauses are considered enough on their own to nullify the whole agreement - again - at least here. You can apply for a divorce here with no waiting period if you chose abuse or infidelity as the cause.

It's also interesting to me from a legal point of view how the separation agreement technically has nothing to do with the divorce. The courts expect you to have one but it's not actually a legal requirement to be divorced - at least here. So if I were to breach a clause in my separation agreement I'm not required to take my xW back

[Dawn70]

Hang in there, kas. I promise, it does get better. Some day, on your own timeline, you will wake up one day and you will be in this place where you feel light and happy and it will be fantastic. I know it doesn't seem that way now and feelings of depression, winding up alone, money struggles all weigh on your mind. My positive thoughts are headed your way. Take care of yourself and your kids and focus on your future.

[Dawn70]

I just saw a picture quote that I wish I could post here as it might strike a cord with you, but the gist of it was that growth and change are painful, but staying stuck in a bad situation is also painful so you have to choose which pain is best for you. (I paraphrased it, but that is the overall meaning.) I know it is hard, but just like I said before, it will be so much better once you are out on the other side. (((kas)))

[DejaVu6]

I can totally relate Kas. It is difficult, at times, to watch your WAS seemingly experience no consequences for the pain they caused. In my case, it is going on four years and they are married now. Like your H, he did not spend one minute alone. He’s never had to sit with himself and reflect on the pain he caused and all of the ways he failed me and our children. She’s always been right there to reinforce his version of our life together (exaggerated and devoid of any personal responsibility for sure) and agree with all of his justifications for all the thousands of the lies and the gaslighting he did. Maybe his devotion to her is his way of trying to make up for his behaviour or maybe he is trying to convince other people he has changed. He says he has learned from his experiences and is trying to be a better person. I really don’t know what it is that he has learned and I’m not sure he could even say what it is if I asked him. In terms of him being a better person, I am skeptical. He is in the honeymoon phase right now which has been intensified due to her illness and him feeling like her hero. I think that is a very powerful feeling for someone who has failed everybody else in his life. Anyway…I don’t wish him ill will. I choose to concentrate on my own karma. He can worry about his.

Re: your H. Given what you have said about how he was in your marriage, would your really prefer that to being alone? Could you even imagine getting back together with him? If your answer is no, than that is all that really matters. Like Dawn said… it will get better with time. If you continue working on yourself, you will be amazed how quickly things can turn around and how different you will feel a year from now. (((HUGS)))

[bttrfly]

wow hand raised for another member of this club, along with DV ... nope - not a moment alone, not a moment of reflection, has certainly burned my sweet Italian @$$ on more than one occasion for sure ...

[BL42]

kas99,

Ah crap I got to thinking last night that all my attorney did was send a final offer. If he doesn't take it then we go to court. For the record the settlement is fair and I've already been before the judge. If he goes to court I will get more because he's pissed the judge off.

It isn't over yet but at least he's showing some interest.

Sounds closer at least. Still crazy to me he left and is living w/OW but fighting tooth & nail not to finalize the D.

I'm over the financial injustice but I'm not over the OW. He didn't have to date at all she just fell into his lap at work. He never had to be single, never had to be alone. Not for one single day. 3 years later and they are still together.

I totally get this. Doesn't seem right the person who broke vows and blew up our lives just has another person fall into their lap and doesn't have to go through the trials and tribulations of finding someone else.

I'm over the financial injustice but I'm not over the OW.

I often think, though, that if one won the lottery after the WAS left, how much better we might feel about it?

Can't imagine a lottery windfall would hurt! LOL

It does to me! I think it's to do with this belief we have in Karma, consequences, whatever else we like to call it and our cognitive dissonance when it doesn't happen.

What I find interesting is, were you to grievously injure a person - even unintentionally, the civil courts expect you to pay heed to the damage you've done. Sums of money are paid to claimants to compensate for loss and suffering. The only exception in civil law here is divorce. There is no legal remedy for the loss and suffering inflicted like other civil cases involving damages. There isn't even an expectation on the WAS to apologise for any suffering they cause.

Marriages are a contract, but to be honest I'm not sure why we bother with them. If one of the partners in normal contractual arrangement breaks any part of a normal business agreement, they are usually held to account and made to pay in one way or another. This doesn't seem to apply to marriage contracts. I believe this is a consequence of no-fault divorces - which I am beginning to think aren't as marvellous as they first seemed.

I think that's why a lot of us resent the WAS (and APs) sometimes - particularly when it looks like they got away with detonating our lives (and those of our children) without a single shred of accountability.

Completely agree devvo! On the no-fault, I think the intentions are pure in that there were some people in legitimately bad situations not able to get one, but in the majority of cases these days it seems to just give the bad actor the easy/beneficial result. I suppose I'm biased at this point, but certainly seems there should be some civil consequences for the WAS/WS of the breaking the contract with the LBS.

I can totally relate Kas. It is difficult, at times, to watch your WAS seemingly experience no consequences for the pain they caused. In my case, it is going on four years and they are married now. Like your H, he did not spend one minute alone. He’s never had to sit with himself and reflect on the pain he caused and all of the ways he failed me and our children.

Like with devvo, also completely agree with DejaVu6. WAS/WS stepping right into a LTR seems to be a topic which resonates with a lot of folks here.

Hand in there KAS...hope you can soon get some relief and closure the D will bring.

[Traveler]

Sounds closer at least. Still crazy to me he left and is living w/OW but fighting tooth & nail not to finalize the D.

I'm more surprised by the opposite, when the WAS chooses to finalize. Re-marrying tends to be a key motivator! The obvious question for the WAS is "Why bother?". I have two friends who are WAS (to lousy ex's) and have no plans to finalize their divorces, because their attorneys say the temporary settlement is better than the long-term settlement. If their ex's value the closure of that piece of paper, they'll have to sweeten the long-term settlement, or wait a few more years.