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#2927070 12/07/21 03:54 AM
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bttrfly Offline OP
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Been a while since I posted on a thread of my own. There's been a lot going on, mostly with my mother. She had a very difficult time of it from mid-October until recently, then caught a cold that was going around the facility post Thanksgiving. Unfortunately, it really did a number on her, developed into pneumonia and she passed early Saturday.

I'm ok. I feel like I'm in that bubble between before her death and whatever will be after the services on Wednesday. I only had two hours of sleep Saturday - got home around 4:30, slept from a little after 5 until 7 or so, then up until 9 or 10. Slept ok Saturday night and last night. Weird dreams. I guess that's to be expected.

So many of her caregivers have told me how much she meant to them. She was definitely a favorite. She was a tiny little person with a big and beautiful personality. I gave her one of her Christmas presents on Thursday, a pair of soft pajamas in her favorite pink. She was wearing the top when she passed. I was with her. Unlike with Dad, I hadn't fallen asleep. When it was time I told her not to worry about me or my son, that we were going to be fine, and Dad was waiting, so it was time to go. Two breaths later she was gone.

This has been a grueling week, but I was able to spend a lot of time with her. She rallied for about a day and a half and we were able to say a lot of things to each other, as well as just enjoy each other and tell each other how much we loved each other. I'm very, very, very blessed and extremely grateful. On Tuesday night I started to get sick with her cold, but I stayed home on Wednesday and did some serious self care with vitamins, immune-boosting herbs, hot epsom salts baths with essential oils, bone broth soup (made it for mom and had some for me too), and a lot of fluids and sleep. Woke up 5am Thursday feeling better than I have in months. No, Mom did not have covid - she tested negative. Problem is her CHF really made it difficult for her to heal from the cold. My poor little Momma. I will miss her terribly, but I'm so glad her suffering is over. I was so lucky to have her. No regrets. That's a gift.

Yesterday and today busy with funeral arrangements, plus work - there were some things, like payroll, that had to be done. I'm off for the next three days for Bereavement leave. I need to focus on my family.

Son has been included as much as I can, but the bulk of this is on my shoulders. I felt that it was important to call the people who meant most to my mother, so I've spent all weekend on the phone. Only one ugly call with one cousin who started her negativity. I cut that off at the knees - "I really don't have time for this right now. I have a lot of calls to make." Kml - not the cousin you'd expect. She's actually been fine.

My ex-bil was called tonight at my son's request. He also started his crazy talk (he's def. "out there"), and I told him now wasn't the time. He didn't like that I refused to be monologed at so he hung up on me then proceeded to text me how I'd reminded him of his mother, said he was sorry my mom passed and he was available if I needed or wanted to talk. I texted back, "Nope, I'm all set, thanks" He said, "That's why I hung up." I said, "Exactly" He will be 49 in a few weeks. Guess the crazy still runs true in that family. Wish I could expunge those genes from my son. He texted back something about not wanting some argument to come between us. Give me a break, I'm so done with all of it. I'm relieved this happened actually, because I really don't want to continue this relationship any longer. I've done what I can to help him, way more than my exh has, but my mom was right when she told me that my problem is that I'm trying to save the world and it's not my job. I'm not interested in helping anyone who can't, won't or isn't capable of helping themselves any longer. It takes too much energy.

I scored a pink, light blue and yellow paisley tie for $9.99 at Marshall's for my son. There was a men's store three doors down that was selling ties for between $55-70, with a bogo free deal which I resisted. I've asked people to wear something pink to the service in honor of my mom, since she loved that color so much.

I have a bunch of photos on a flash drive to drop off with our funeral director tomorrow afternoon, and still have to finish the eulogy and clean the house. We're not doing a meal after the service. Covid is spiking here, but really I'm just too tired to deal with it now. I'd rather have a bbq next summer and have a celebration of her life with hopefully less Covidy times so everyone can feel comfortable together. The whole family is in complete agreement.

I must say that I've felt incredibly loved and supported by my cousins throughout this last week and a half. We've got a private thread going on IM as well as phone calls and texts to check on both me and my son. I'm also extremely grateful for my friends who have checked on me, sat with me and mom, baby sat me yesterday so I could stay on point with all the stuff I needed to do, etc. I'm really lucky, I know it and I don't take it for granted, not even a little bit.

Mom said, "Life is short. You need to LIVE." this, from a 95 year old. Worth listening to. Advice worth taking to heart.


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
H moved out 4/24/15
D Final 12/23/16

You have no idea what people are going thru in their personal lives. Be nice. It's that simple.
bttrfly #2927076 12/07/21 12:37 PM
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Good Morning bttrfly

(((Hugs)))

My deepest condolences to you and your’s.

Originally Posted by bttrfly
When it was time I told her not to worry about me or my son, that we were going to be fine, and Dad was waiting, so it was time to go. Two breaths later she was gone.

That is beautiful.

Originally Posted by bttrfly
…I was able to spend a lot of time with her. She rallied for about a day and a half and we were able to say a lot of things to each other, as well as just enjoy each other and tell each other how much we loved each other. I'm very, very, very blessed and extremely grateful.

Most wonderful. Getting to talk to your Mom.

Originally Posted by bttrfly
Mom said, "Life is short. You need to LIVE." this, from a 95 year old. Worth listening to. Advice worth taking to heart.

A wise soul.


Love

D


Now: Me54 XW50 S24 S23 S21 D19

Oct 8/17-BD, Moves in w/OM, Leaves Kids
Me49 W46 S20 S19 S16 D15
M26 T29
Dec 9/17-Legal Separation
Oct 3/18-W Files
Apr 6/19-Divorced

Love the Sinner, Forgive the Sin.
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bttrfly #2927078 12/07/21 01:37 PM
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Good afternoon Butterfly,

My sincere condolences on the passing of your beloved mother.

In heart and thoughts
Today and forever

Her light shines
Until eternity

Lots of strength,

Eagle


Me (43) H (42)
M:15 T:19, S17, S14 & S14
04/19 - 02/20 ILYB & OW1
12/20 - 11/21 OW2
10/21 Start of H's awakening
12/21 moves back home & D papers signed
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bttrfly #2927082 12/07/21 02:03 PM
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Love and hugs, bttrfly! I'm so sorry for your loss, but hope you find peace in knowing your mom and dad are reunited and comfort in your memories. I will wear pink tomorrow, in honor of your beloved mother and the amazing, strong daughter she gifted this world. (((bttrfly)))


Me 51, H53
Bomb drop 9/29/2014
Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014
Marriage #2 12/31/2019
5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships)
6 grandkids
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bttrfly #2927083 12/07/21 02:05 PM
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I am truly sorry and offer you my condolences on the passing of your mother.


M:51 W:46
T:22 M:16
S:15 D:11

�Happiness equals reality minus expectations�- Magliozzi
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bttrfly #2927085 12/07/21 02:34 PM
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I’m so sorry bttrfly , but glad you were able to be there with her when she passed. She had a long and good life. And she’s right! Life is short and we should get out there and live!

I’ll look for something pink to wear today in honor of your mom.

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bttrfly #2927086 12/07/21 03:06 PM
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{{{bttrfly}}}


On BD
H52, W50
T27, M26
S21, D23
BD-9-Mar-16
D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18
I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good.
But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
bttrfly #2927089 12/07/21 03:27 PM
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I’m so sorry for you loss. You are an incredible daughter and it sounds like you had some very special moments with mom. I know it’s hard to have it all on your shoulders, but I’m glad you cousins are being supportive. Much love and hugs

bttrfly #2927093 12/07/21 04:05 PM
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bttrfly Offline OP
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I woke up prickly and angry ... perhaps another stage of this process, who knows? After venting and fuming and ruminating - ok, fretting - I've come to a conclusion. Since BD I diligently worked to keep a bridge between exh's family and myself/son, not because I wanted to keep these people in my life, but because at 15.5 with his world blown apart I wanted to offer any means of stability to my boy. I knew that exh was on his MLCr odyssey and too self-absorbed to care. Half the time he wouldn't even show up for holidays. Too busy either working if he was in town or probably glamming it up with 2.0/Microsoft Vista. I think they spent one Christmas in either Scotland or Paris. No concern for what this meant to our son, who looked forward to having his extended family all together at our home every holiday.

I continued to extend invitations to ex-in-laws, and in fact was thanked many, many times by ex MIL for taking ex BIL off her hands by including him for five years beyond BD. The invites stopped in 2019 when my mom was in rehab for her broken leg and son and I opted to spend that Thanksgiving and Christmas with my side of the family.

Anyway, my point is this - mom gave me very specific marching orders, and she is absolutely right, a usual. My son is now 22. The relationships with his father's side are his to cultivate or release. Not my farm. Not my pigs. I more that did my due diligence to keep a bridge alive for my son to cross or blow up, or something in between. I'm done.

Mom asked my how I was going to spend the rest of my life. Don't have any real answer to that other than I know which relationships I'm ready to let go of, and certainly most of ex-inlaws are on that list, along with fully caffeinated cups of coffee as I now have the shakes.


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
H moved out 4/24/15
D Final 12/23/16

You have no idea what people are going thru in their personal lives. Be nice. It's that simple.
bttrfly #2927097 12/07/21 05:03 PM
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Originally Posted by bttrfly
Mom asked my how I was going to spend the rest of my life. Don't have any real answer to that other than I know which relationships I'm ready to let go of, and certainly most of ex-inlaws are on that list, along with fully caffeinated cups of coffee as I now have the shakes.
You have a lot to process my dear friend. Take your time. So much that you've put on hold opens before you and letting go of what has been holding you back is only part of it.

Given how deeply you "feel" - don't be too surprised at physical manifestations of all the things playing out. Take care of yourself. Eat healthy. Tea is always good although I've always had a hard time finding a good cuppa south of the border.


On BD
H52, W50
T27, M26
S21, D23
BD-9-Mar-16
D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18
I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good.
But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
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