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Me: 40 W:41
T: 14 M: 11
S: 5

BD & OM Jun 2020
W moves out Aug 2020

"What happened happened, and couldn't have happened any other way...because it didn't"
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Originally Posted by BL42
How about starting a new thread to recap your Melbourne trip? Hope those wineries, craft beers, friends, and potential new girl didn't get you into too much trouble! ;-)

Hey BL, thanks for checking in mate. I'm giving you an update so I'm going to expect one from you too my friend.

The Melbourne trip was great thanks. Spent plenty of time with my friend and his wife. Did the breweries thing, hit up some wineries and they took me out for an early 40th lunch on the Sunday, was just great times.

Had a date with the girl on the Thursday night and ended up staying at hers a few of the nights, she's friends with my friends down there so it was all pretty easy. We get along great, so will see where things head. Neither of us in a rush and she's coming up to see me the weekend after this one.

Besides that, was away for work all last week, back at HQ, which was fun. Had my 40th down there, so got to see my Mum and Stepdad, my Dad and Stepmum and my pregnant sister. Then spent the weekend just past for 3 nights up the coast with 3 of my best mates and their Ws to celebrate the bday. Nice dinners, long lunches, beach, beers, table tennis in a pimp house right on the water. Besides spending 8 days away from S5, its been pretty amazing. Just living that best life, divorced or not.

On the STBXW front, she's been pretty nice to me. Offered me her vacuum cleaner because she was getting a new one. I politely declined. She messaged me happy birthday and had made sure S5 had organised some great presents. One thing that bothered me yesterday, she told me that her, S5, OM and his S5 were having playdates and assured me for now that it was just at the playground. Seeing S5 yesterday he told me that all four of them basically went on a daytrip out west together in the same car. Not exactly what she sold to me. But at the same time, I'm not surprised by this sort of thing from her and I can't control it anyway. Just didn't like being blindsided that things had progressed more than she'd said would happen.

I was going to leave it, but rather sent a message saying we discussed something and it seems like this was a step further than we discussed. She replied that she didn't think so, that it was a big deal but sorry and going forward she share these details. I'm at the point where I think I'd rather just not hear from her at all.

I felt hurt that they seem like a ready made family, but this passed after about 24 hours. I'm definitely over her, I don't hate her, but don't much like the person she is either. Where I still have work to do is not being over the breakup of the family, but recognise from others' experiences here that this is probs the hardest part.


Me: 40 W:41
T: 14 M: 11
S: 5

BD & OM Jun 2020
W moves out Aug 2020

"What happened happened, and couldn't have happened any other way...because it didn't"
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Hey

Just wanted to address the issue of s5 and OM and the whole notion of ready made family….you are trying to control something you cant….she will do what she feels she needs to do. Switch it up- you and this girl get serious, you want her to meet S5, do you really want to report to you exW on how and when?!

I know it stings, honestly truly understand, H always takes OW when he goes somewhere with kids, they live together, she is always there. There is literally nothing i can do, i always hope that they have a good time and return happy home. When i FaceTime them i often see pictures of them 4 on the walls, so very much a notion of a family. But im their parent and thats all that matters, what i concentrate on is my relationship with kids.

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Originally Posted by OnlyBent
But at the same time, I'm not surprised by this sort of thing from her and I can't control it anyway.
You say this.
Originally Posted by OnlyBent
I was going to leave it, but rather sent a message saying we discussed something and it seems like this was a step further than we discussed.
Then do this.

What are exactly the rules of the game in your mind?


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2 households. 2 lives.

It's not her job to make you feel better about her dating or bringing someone into your son's life. It's not your job to do that for her either.

I will never understand the control divorced people want to exert over their exes. It's all reciprocal. If you feel entitled to being overly involved in the process of her boyfriend getting to know your son (whether you like it or not you're divorced now and he's not just some AP he's your exW's BF) that entitlement means she's entitled to be equally all up in your business when you find yourself in a relationship.

Anything you feel you need to dictate means you are allowing her the same exact courtesy to her. I have no idea why you'd want that.

And yes it stings. It hurts like crazy watching this family of yours shift and change further and further from what you envisioned it would be. But the sooner you can relinquish control over her and take completely control of your new life the sooner this will all be water under the bridge.

She's trying with you. Something very few divorced people get to say. Enjoy how amicable this mess has turned out to be instead of creating drama when there doesn't need to be any. Not every one gets a reasonable ex who extends kindness and even thoughtfulness even if it isn't in every way you'd like. Count your blessing and focus on you. And if you better judgment says don't send the text or leave it alone, listen.

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3 of you seem to be saying the same thing, so I'm going to listen. I just didn't think I was being controlling, I feel like I have accepted that she is going to do what she is going to do and its now none of my business. She did contact me and explain how things would go and that it was just playdates and that she would keep me in the loop if things progressed.

The text wasn't to tell her to stop anything, rather to just say it didn't seem to be going how she'd said it would go. If you want to 2x4 me for believing a word she says, than I am more than willing. Maybe I shouldn't have sent the text at all, I guess I am just sick of the deception and dishonesty from her, but I've got at least 2 years of history so more fool me.

Anyway, I appreciate the responses and do see what you are all saying, something to keep working on I guess. I'd much rather focus on the positive parts of my post.


Me: 40 W:41
T: 14 M: 11
S: 5

BD & OM Jun 2020
W moves out Aug 2020

"What happened happened, and couldn't have happened any other way...because it didn't"
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I dont really do 2x4, i can totally relate, been there, done that. All the promises that i was made, even the ones i didnt ask for, never materialised. I dont ask for anything any longer, but still get promises, nearly 2 years on! I pay no attention to these, else i will end up disappointed and it will suck me back in emotionally and there is no need for that.

Sounds like GAL is going great! Keep it up!

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So Bent if I am understanding this correctly you were under the impression that play dates meant going to a specific place in separate cars, playing, then returning home in separate cars? She envisions play dates as all traveling anywhere in the same car? You see that more as a family trip.

Was this outline in your divorce agreement?


M:51 W:46
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Originally Posted by Gigi123
I dont really do 2x4, i can totally relate, been there, done that. All the promises that i was made, even the ones i didnt ask for, never materialised. I dont ask for anything any longer, but still get promises, nearly 2 years on! I pay no attention to these, else i will end up disappointed and it will suck me back in emotionally and there is no need for that.

Sounds like GAL is going great! Keep it up!

Thanks Gigi. You have captured how I feel perfectly, I'll follow your advice of paying it no attention and keep moving forward.

Originally Posted by LH19
So Bent if I am understanding this correctly you were under the impression that play dates meant going to a specific place in separate cars, playing, then returning home in separate cars? She envisions play dates as all traveling anywhere in the same car? You see that more as a family trip.

Was this outline in your divorce agreement?

When you put it like that....point taken.


Me: 40 W:41
T: 14 M: 11
S: 5

BD & OM Jun 2020
W moves out Aug 2020

"What happened happened, and couldn't have happened any other way...because it didn't"
Joined: Feb 2017
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Think of divorce as Thunder road in the movie Grease. “The rules are there are no rules”.


M:51 W:46
T:22 M:16
S:15 D:11

�Happiness equals reality minus expectations�- Magliozzi
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