Another day in the life of

[BL42]

Ginger1,

And this summer I went to a country music festival at the beach with the nurses on my unit and we had a blast!

Me too! Any chance it was between two piers of a boardwalk? That'd be funny if we both attended the same one lol

Most men are living at home. For whatever reason. I let it slide a bit because I know I can barely keep my head above water in this state and if I had a situation where it would be possible and cohabitate with my parents, I probably would!

Most single men you've encountered in that age range are living with their parents? That seems...odd.

Well, got the “you are a very nice person and it’s not you, I just don’t have the feelings I need to move this forward” text.

Sorry it didn't work out. You seemed excited, so that must've been disappointing.

I’ve been dating actively for like 11 years . It’s just getting worse out there. Nothing makes sense that happens in the dating world. I began listening to to this new podcast called dating deeply, and it really explains how OLD can be dehumanizing.

Well this isn't encouraging for someone who's just starting out LOL, but I haven't gotten a good sense about OLD dating either (in my limited months into it).

This other guy who worships me keeps asking for another chance. He wants me in his life anyone he can have me apparently. I hate hurting his feelings, but I don’t feel it.

Sounds like you have guys interested in you. It's just that you're not interested in them. It just happens to be the reverse with this guy. I'm sure it must be frustrating.

I cannot get close to a single guy.

I probably need therapy again to figure out how to get close to someone again.

I have not gotten excited for one single guy. I don’t go into dates with excitement or nerves anymore. Just ambivalent.

This theme seems worth exploring as you've mentioned it several times. Maybe because of your past experiences you're just a bit closed off and opening yourself up a bit to the possibilities would be helpful? I know there are really good guys out there looking for quality women such as yourself...

[Ginger1]

BL! Are you a neighbor? I was “barefoot” in the sand and it was a “wild” time! And definitely between 2 piers on the beach.

I don’t want my dating experiences to be a discouragement. It’s always been a little harder for me. For years I had no help with my D and I have majority custody. Schedules often didn’t align. Literally only in the past year has my D become comfortable with me going out at night ( with a 10pm curfew). I’ve always been in a different spot than most. I was divorced/separated at 28 with a baby! My timeline is so off everyone else’s. And of course, for years, I made un healthy decisions in partners . It’s also a different experience for men. You may get less dates than women, but if you treat a woman with respect, don’t act like a horny teenager, have a job and a personality, you will have success.

I used to have a very open heart and I could feel for guys. I don’t know if I changed, or it’s the guys I’m dating, but I think no one has seemed like a safe place yet. So I just don’t feel much. As for that one guy, it’s weird. He really doesn’t know much about me. He thinks I’m amazing because of my job and how I handle my stuff. He literally talks about himself all the time and doesnt realize it . He’s an EMT and police dispatcher. EMT’s have this weird thing going for them. They think they are some sort of super hero’s . It’s weird. I digress. But the level of the way he likes me doesn’t coincide with what he actually knows about me .

And thank you. Haven’t found the good guy with depth and comfort in their own skin to know what they want yet. Most are just discovering life after divorce. And many of those are going for the ego stroke ( like a poster on newcomers). Maybe I’ll have some luck in my 60’s? Hahaha!

[Ginger1]

And to continue: as far as OLD being dehumanizing . It absolutely can be. This was admitted by people who literally say they forget there is a human behind the profile or words in a chat on a screen. It’s easy to dispose of or disrespect or break out the weird sexual stuff pretty fast because they literally forget there is a living breathing human on the other end. On the pod cast a woman ended up meeting this guy who acted like a weirdo and not so respectful in OLD and then she met him in the wild a year later by chance and realized it was the dude she was talking to from OLD. She said he was totally different in person, he was kind and cool. And she asked him why he was an ass when they were chatting and he admitted to not treating those words or profile like their was a human on the other end.

Just like your experience Deja. And I’m sorry you are encountering what I am, but I guess I know I’m not crazy in my feelings. People are just so flakey. And I just have went numb. I felt a little twinge of excitement with the other guy because I thought it might be one of those nice slow get to know eachother builds. I like that. But it’s rare these days . He did give me very strong midlife crisis vibes, but not in a bad way. But you definitely could tell he was just exploring . Still figuring life out with an empty nest. I think if I ever get the chance to meet someone organically I’ll do much better. I always have done much better that way.

Bttfly : hugs and lots of them you are an incredible woman . Superwoman really. I know you carry a lot of weight alone on your shoulders and you carry it well, but I know it gets heavy.

I’m doing great in my recovery. I could probably go back to work, but I’m not going to! I did even workout while D was at swim, and I felt good, but I might have over done it, I’m a little sore today. But I’m ready to get super active again once I’m totally healed and really embrace some of the hobbies I want to, most of them outdoors. I’ve been cleaning out and organizing every inch of my house. My house is small with 2 closets and it presents a challenge. But these days, I’m much better at throwing nearly everything away

[LH19]

It’s easy to dispose of or disrespect or break out the weird sexual stuff pretty fast because they literally forget there is a living breathing human on the other end.

This is so bizarre to me. I have never said anything other then a very occasional mild innuendo in reciprocation. It really must be frustrating for women.

[Dawn70]

It’s easy to dispose of or disrespect or break out the weird sexual stuff pretty fast because they literally forget there is a living breathing human on the other end.

This is so bizarre to me. I have never said anything other then a very occasional mild innuendo in reciprocation. It really must be frustrating for women.

I think "normal" (I use that word loosely since what is "normal", right?) men like yourself, LH, really don't understand because you just would never even think to behave as inappropriately online as some other men do. Sadly, it is far more common than some men realize because there are just those weirdos who say whatever as though they are just talking to a computer and not an actual person on the other end. I can't count the number of men I blocked because they were just downright lewd and disgusting in a very short time of saying hello in chat. I can totally see why women think OLD can be disheartening.

[DonH]

EMT’s have this weird thing going for them. They think they are some sort of super hero’s . It’s weird. I digress.

Now this I can totally comment on as I’ve lived/worked in this space half my life. It’s often the younger ones. There’s actually a term for them - Farcols. The more mature, more experienced ones tend to lose this behavior, though especially in the volunteer and paid on call sectors there can be some really odd ducks. Remember your firefighter from years back didn’t act this way. It’s more the wanna bees that don this Personna

And to continue: as far as OLD being dehumanizing . It absolutely can be. This was admitted by people who literally say they forget there is a human behind the profile or words in a chat on a screen.

Interesting, I say it and I’m jaded and everything else. Ginger and DeJa say it and hmmmmm they may having something to consider. Telling.

I have to wonder if it’s more anything online and not just OLD. Read the comments for pretty much any social media post? Go into any chat room (although I confess it’s been double digit years since I have) or go to. BBS like this. It’s much the same. That often gets chalked up to adult children living in their moms basement. Might OLD be the same with many if these guys?

The bolting as the date gets closer is classic. This seems to happen to anyone OLD. Again it’s more about the runner. They clearly are scared to actually meet a real person one on one or not really feeling it or tied to the anonymous nature of hiding behind the keyboard. Meeting makes it real. The same happens with those who chat too long. They just want to continue hiding behind the keyboard and push off a real meeting. I know DeJa has experienced this.

I don’t have the answer. It just seems to me to all be tied to the phenomenon that is online - anything online, not just OLD.

[LH19]

Interesting, I say it and I’m jaded and everything else. Ginger and DeJa say it and hmmmmm they may having something to consider. Telling.

Don I think it has more to do with your extreme hatred of it. As soon as OLD goes bad for someone you jump in with the I told you sos. Is it perfect? No. Could it be better? Absolutely. Can it be dehumanizing? Apparently

It's a way to meet people outside of your social circle.

Everything in life is about expectations.

[MLCxH]

Ginger,
Your problem is not that nice guys are not attracted to you. The problem is that the guys that you are attracted to are not nice or don't see a spark in you.

Have you given any thought to whether there is a disconnect between the kind of person you are attracted to VS the kind of person you want to have a relationship with?

[Ginger1]

Ginger,
Your problem is not that nice guys are not attracted to you. The problem is that the guys that you are attracted to are not nice or don't see a spark in you.

Have you given any thought to whether there is a disconnect between the kind of person you are attracted to VS the kind of person you want to have a relationship with?

If we are talking in terms of OLD, I don’t have much to go by. I look for profiles that are humble, not self absorbed, and seems like a nice normal dude looking to for real date. I swipe left on any pictures that involve gym selfies and flexing in the mirror because it looks like they are so self absorbed. When it comes to convo, having a normal exH ache about work, life kids, hobbies, etc. that might happen for a day and then out of left field comes the sexual stuff.

I swear, don’t only date hot men who make a high 6 figure salary and feel like they will get what they ask for.

Actually, on the contrary, I’ve been told I date “below “ my league. Looks and career wise ( I don’t believe in leagues, generally, I believe in people as individuals)

Maybe this is the problem? They just go and shoot their shot ? I dunno.

I am definitely attracted to guys with drive, self confidence but not cockiness, ( I hate big egos) someone funny and and empathetic and strong yet vulnerable.

Haven’t found it yet.

As far as me, I have a confidence, not a cockiness, I don’t water myself down anymore like I used to. I used diminish the good in myself. I accept compliments now and thank people for them. I am , not as vulnerable as I used to be.

I think the biggest disconnect with the men I am attracting are where they are in life. They are maybe 1-2 years divorced. I broke my rules and dated a brand new divorced guy. He was probably the most awesome guy, but couldn’t commit to a dam date.

I have dated non married men without kids and then guys divorced for a much shorter period of time, but married way longer than I was. I feel like I haven’t been in an equal headspace with anyone. I feel disconnected I guess.

[MLCxH]

When it comes to convo, having a normal exH ache about work, life kids, hobbies, etc. that might happen for a day and then out of left field comes the sexual stuff.

This is unfortunate but the silver lining is that you can screen these guys out before you waste time on an actual date

Actually, on the contrary, I’ve been told I date “below “ my league. Looks and career wise ( I don’t believe in leagues, generally, I believe in people as individuals)

Did you feel the guys you swept right on but then found you were not attracted to, were below your league or was it just the opinion of others? If it is the former you may want have some reevaluation to do

I am definitely attracted to guys with drive, self confidence but not cockiness, ( I hate big egos) someone funny and and empathetic and strong yet vulnerable.

You may want to analyze which of these areas the guys that were interested in you but you were not attracted to, fell short. That may give you some insight on where the disconnect is.

As far as me, I have a confidence, not a cockiness, I don’t water myself down anymore like I used to. I used diminish the good in myself. I accept compliments now and thank people for them. I am , not as vulnerable as I used to be.

This is good. It is important to have confidence and not lower your standards on potential dates.

I feel like I haven’t been in an equal headspace with anyone. I feel disconnected I guess.

Unfortunately finding the right person at this age can be a challenge. Most of the good ones are taken and unavailable. In the small pool of people left that are decent human beings without any major issues, things like mutual compatibility, mutual attraction, mutual priorities, geographical location etc all have to align.

Perhaps the trick is to focus on the journey and not the destination - enjoy the dating process without overthinking it and your odds of finding 'the one' are likely to improve. DB is not the only counter intuitive thing that works in life