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SSRI's and divorce - Wife doesn't love me anymore


I've been offline for a while. Started to focus hard on GALing. Lots of new developments, but honestly nothing really positive.

I asked my WAS to move out of the house last Tuesday, the lack of respect, her alcoholism and her "moving on" while under the same roof, just threw me over the edge. She moved to her parents home 10 minutes away. We've been swapping the kids every two days. Not having them fulltime is killing me, I miss my family soo much it hurts. I've been seeing a lot of friends and family, but it's just not the same. I never envisioned this lifestyle for myself. I loved having a family and full house.

I still find it shocking that my WAS wouldn't consider therapy and is ready and more than willing to walk away from everything we built. I keep expecting to wake up from this horrible dream. I really need to come to terms with this fast. I struggle with "the new her" she's become the past year, she's a completely different person. She said she's trying to get the drinking under control, she's also booked an appointment with her doctor to discuss her situation. Seems her parents, the car accident (and I) finally broke through her alcoholism denials. I'm not convinced she'll be 100% open and honest with her doctor, but after reading you all I understand that its not my problem anymore. My concern in all this is obviously the kids.

She agreed to move out for 2 weeks, however she expects to come back and we start swapping the family home until official separation. A few of you suggested I grab my balls back and refuse, but like May22 says, it's not really in my control. I can't legally kick her out of the house, I also can't expect her to respect "house rules", so I don't see how I can avoid nesting for the remaining month or two. I'm open to suggestions.

I haven't resumed contact with the friend/x-GF or any others based on everyone's suggestion. I'm still a little perplexed by this one though. Is it in the goal of focusing on just me and not confusing my thoughts? Is it to focus on reconciling if that is in fact what the LBS wants? Is it to avoid hurting someone else? I mean my WAS is clear she's moving on, are we LBS' expected to remain celibate? Any info on this one is also appreciated.

Last edited by job; 11/16/21 06:52 PM. Reason: added link to previous thread
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Originally Posted by constanza
I mean my WAS is clear she's moving on, are we LBS' expected to remain celibate?
You're not expected to do anything. It's up to you whether to stand for keeping your family together or to throw your hands up and move on. Another poster here points out, at one point she wasn't determined to marry you, and then she was. She's determined to move on now, but that's not necessarily a permanent state. There are several success stories here.

Have you decided not to stand? That would affect our advice.

Originally Posted by constanza
A few of you suggested I grab my balls back and refuse, but like May22 says, it's not really in my control.
100% of us recommended against nesting if you want to save your marriage, including May22.

It is under your control to say, "No, I am not leaving." and then not leave.

Originally Posted by constanza
I also can't expect her to respect "house rules"
If you mean "Constanza's Rules", of course not, why would she? Wayfarer put it nicely, "Do you tell a roommate when they can come and go? Do you tell them who they can and can't spend time with? Do you worry about what your roommate ate for dinner? Or who they ate it with? No you don't. Because you're not their keeper, or their parent. "

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My advise was to stop contact with your old flame because you wanted to fix your marriage. I don’t see how you can fix your marriage if you are dating other woman.

You can’t control anyone except yourself. If you want to set boundaries that’s fine, but you can’t force her to not cross them. And what’s the plan when she does? You could ask her to leave, but again since you can’t control her she doesn’t have too.


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5 kids, 20,18,15,14,11

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costanza,

Sorry you're struggling going through this. I know exactly how you feel. This is one of the hardest things you'll ever have to deal with, but you can and will get through it.

Originally Posted by costanza
I asked my WAS to move out of the house last Tuesday, the lack of respect, her alcoholism and her "moving on" while under the same roof, just threw me over the edge. She moved to her parents home 10 minutes away.
IHS was very difficult for me and most others here. Hopefully separation will give you some relief over time. Notice you can't "force" her to move out, but she complied with your request. It's likely a combination of her wanting to leave and you having more power than you currently realize.

Originally Posted by costanza
We've been swapping the kids every two days.
How are your kids handling all this? It's certainly tough on you, but make sure you're stepping up for them. Every two days is a lot of transitions. Your girls are young (2&4?), but you may want to adjust to less frequent exchanges over time? Read up on that - there are a lot of options.

Originally Posted by costanza
Not having them fulltime is killing me, I miss my family soo much it hurts. I've been seeing a lot of friends and family, but it's just not the same. I never envisioned this lifestyle for myself. I loved having a family and full house.
I know exactly how you feel. Sorry man. It's tough. Unfortunately you can't make her stay married and committed if she doesn't want to. All you can do is do is play the hand you're being dealt to the best of your ability. Make your life and your children's lives the best they can be given the situation.

Originally Posted by costanza
I still find it shocking that my WAS wouldn't consider therapy and is ready and more than willing to walk away from everything we built. I keep expecting to wake up from this horrible dream. I really need to come to terms with this fast. I struggle with "the new her" she's become the past year, she's a completely different person.
That's natural. A lot of us here wondered the same thing.

Originally Posted by costanza
She said she's trying to get the drinking under control, she's also booked an appointment with her doctor to discuss her situation. Seems her parents, the car accident (and I) finally broke through her alcoholism denials. I'm not convinced she'll be 100% open and honest with her doctor, but after reading you all I understand that its not my problem anymore. My concern in all this is obviously the kids.
I don't recall you bringing up alcoholism or a car crash before? The focus seemed to be SSRIs, though you mentioned drinking with them. Is there a long history of alcoholism with her? Was the crash related to drinking?

Originally Posted by costanza
She agreed to move out for 2 weeks, however she expects to come back and we start swapping the family home until official separation. A few of you suggested I grab my balls back and refuse, but like May22 says, it's not really in my control. I can't legally kick her out of the house, I also can't expect her to respect "house rules", so I don't see how I can avoid nesting for the remaining month or two. I'm open to suggestions.
My suggestion, as everyone else has said, is...do. not. nest. Simply tell her you've decided not to move out. You're acting out of fear right now, but it's unlikely she'll move back into the house because of your decision...it's more likely she'll continue to stay at her parents or find some other arrangement. Stand up and be strong for yourself.

Originally Posted by costanza
I haven't resumed contact with the friend/x-GF or any others based on everyone's suggestion. I'm still a little perplexed by this one though. Is it in the goal of focusing on just me and not confusing my thoughts? Is it to focus on reconciling if that is in fact what the LBS wants? Is it to avoid hurting someone else? I mean my WAS is clear she's moving on, are we LBS' expected to remain celibate? Any info on this one is also appreciated.
You're married. Emotionally you want to connect because your W is leaving and you're scared you won't meet someone else, or want revenge on your W, or have a need to feel validated by another woman, but...if you want to have any chance of staying married, don't have an emotional and/or physical affair with your x-GF.


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Originally Posted by costanza
I've been offline for a while. Started to focus hard on GALing. Lots of new developments, but honestly nothing really positive.
Unfortunately you will not see positive results for a long time. Things have to get worse before they get better.

Originally Posted by costanza
I asked my WAS to move out of the house last Tuesday, the lack of respect, her alcoholism and her "moving on" while under the same roof, just threw me over the edge.
Ok Costanza this sounds like a control issue. She has to move out because she is moving on from you? Remember you have try to keep your emotions in check. Please explain in more detail what happened?

Originally Posted by costanza
She moved to her parents home 10 minutes away. We've been swapping the kids every two days.
The kids are staying at your grandparents?

Originally Posted by costanza
Not having them fulltime is killing me, I miss my family soo much it hurts.
It $ucks. I can tell you the feeling will lessen in time. You will even start to feel guilty because you will look forward to alone time.

Originally Posted by costanza
I've been seeing a lot of friends and family, but it's just not the same.
It's good you are getting out.

Originally Posted by costanza
I never envisioned this lifestyle for myself. I loved having a family and full house.
This is why so many people here struggle. It's not about the spouse its about the loss of the future of the family. There is a poster on here Scotty B who really struggles with this part. You should read his thread.

Originally Posted by costanza
I still find it shocking that my WAS wouldn't consider therapy and is ready and more than willing to walk away from everything we built.

Right now she can not see a happy future with you. They may change down the road.

Originally Posted by costanza
I keep expecting to wake up from this horrible dream. I really need to come to terms with this fast.
This is going to take a really long time so you need to be patient with yourself.

Originally Posted by costanza
I struggle with "the new her" she's become the past year, she's a completely different person.
How has she changed?

Originally Posted by costanza
She said she's trying to get the drinking under control, she's also booked an appointment with her doctor to discuss her situation. Seems her parents, the car accident (and I) finally broke through her alcoholism denials.
It's good that she is acknowledging it.

Originally Posted by costanza
I'm not convinced she'll be 100% open and honest with her doctor, but after reading you all I understand that its not my problem anymore. My concern in all this is obviously the kids.[quote=costanza]
Well when it comes to the safety of the kids it is your problem.

[quote=costanza] She agreed to move out for 2 weeks, however she expects to come back and we start swapping the family home until official separation.
Actually I don't think this is a bad idea as long as its temporary. Meaning she is looking for a house come the new year.
Originally Posted by costanza
A few of you suggested I grab my balls back and refuse, but like May22 says, it's not really in my control.
I think May meant you can't force her to move out. You certainly don't need to nest if you don't want to.

Originally Posted by costanza
I can't legally kick her out of the house, I also can't expect her to respect "house rules", so I don't see how I can avoid nesting for the remaining month or two. I'm open to suggestions.
What are these house rules? When I was in house separated there was one rule, you watch the kids when it was your night to watch them.

Originally Posted by costanza
I haven't resumed contact with the friend/x-GF or any others based on everyone's suggestion.
Uuum congratulations on staying celibate for two weeks while being married.

Originally Posted by costanza
I'm still a little perplexed by this one though.
Seriously?
Originally Posted by costanza
Is it in the goal of focusing on just me and not confusing my thoughts?

You can't do that without sticking your penis in another women's vagina?
Originally Posted by costanza
Is it to focus on reconciling if that is in fact what the LBS wants?
It's to focus on yourself and your kids.
Originally Posted by costanza
Is it to avoid hurting someone else?
Seriously? You better hope Ginger does come to your thread.
Originally Posted by costanza
I mean my WAS is clear she's moving on, are we LBS' expected to remain celibate?
LOL. Yeah I think you can keep your dick in your pants until after Christmas.
Originally Posted by costanza
Any info on this one is also appreciated.
See above.

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Originally Posted by "costanza"
She said she's trying to get the drinking under control, she's also booked an appointment with her doctor to discuss her situation. Seems her parents, the car accident (and I) finally broke through her alcoholism denials. I'm not convinced she'll be 100% open and honest with her doctor, but after reading you all I understand that its not my problem anymore. My concern in all this is obviously the kids.
It sounds like, similar to her earlier depression, she's taking steps to address her shortcomings and become a stronger woman. What self-improvement projects have you been undertaking?

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Originally Posted by "costanza"
Seems.. the car accident.. finally broke through her alcoholism denials. I understand that its not my problem anymore. My concern in all this is obviously the kids.
If you're a parent, then a DWI is your concern. Was it a DWI? Was there a child in the car? How long ago was this? These are typically public records and I know people who regularly scan for updates to their ex's criminal records. The courts weigh such factors. The court's goal would be to protect the kids by avoiding future incidents of drinking and driving. If it was a DWI, the court may give her options, e.g., recovery programs OR ignition devices that measure alcohol levels. You say she plans to seek treatment, so this may be a non-issue, just a reminder that the way she parents is a concern if it rises to the level of criminal abuse or negligence.

Beyond that, YES, let go and stop trying to control what she does. That sounds like it would be a big 180 in your situation.

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Costanza,

Your W is staying at her parents. In 2 weeks you don't need to rotate who's in the home and you shouldn't. No you can't legally kick her out but she left. She wants to leave so now she needs to deal with it. And if that means setting up camp at her parents semi-permanently so be it. You don't have to nest #1 and #2 if you start leaving the house every other week what do you think is going to happen? You think she's just going to sit there and pine for her old life while you bang your way through a f**k it list? She will not and unless you want people you're unfamiliar with around your kids or guys playing a little game of slap and tickle with your W in your marital bed I strongly suggest you tell you're wife nesting isn't happening. She's at her parents now she better settle in.

Next, you don't get to chase tail because your W said it's over. Let me rephrase that....You're welcome to chase all the tail you'd like since your W said it's over but don't anticipate that it won't come back to bite you in the a$$ multiple times in all kinds of fun ways:

- You are not in healthy mental or emotional place to be playing with other people's emotions and hearts. It is cruel to play with people like that.

- Sex and dating is a distraction from the real work you need to do heal from this. While I understand the allure it's no different than your W self medicating with booze. If you need me to elaborate on that I can, but it should be pretty straight forward.

- Right now you have an immense amount on your plate divorcing and getting your kids into a new routine that is a second full time job. For a good chunk of time in the near future. If you aren't focusing all your energy on self care and your children that means you are robbing your children of time, and yourself.

- I doubt anyone would believe you that you really wanted this marriage to work if you pursue other women before the ink is dry on your decree. If you couldn't care less about other's opinions including that of your family, friends and co-workers by all means go ahead.

That's just to name a few.

Seriously though, have you guys even filed yet? Because if you haven't even filed yet the fact that we're even having this conversation is absurd. You are still married in every sense. This isn't Michael Scott declaring 'bankruptcy' in The Office. You don't just say it and it happens. Actual steps need to be taken to create a dissolution of your marriage including separating your finances, your things, creating placement schedules, FILING, recalibrating your entire life to the new normal.

Costanza, if you truly believe you find yourself, you heal yourself, and move on to the next phase in your life between the thighs of a woman you have so, so, so much work to do before you should be allowed anywhere near the dating pool. You need a new therapist. Desperately. You need to do a brutally honest inventory of yourself, and you need to find a therapist who isn't just a validation bot, who can help guide you with that. You need to realize you are just as broken as that W of yours, and you will only attract other broken people or worse be the one who breaks them.

Last edited by wayfarer; 11/16/21 04:16 PM.
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I must say I do love a good game of slap and tickle lol.

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Costanza, sorry, I know that this not what you wanted. Maybe the physical separation will be better than the IHS. Maybe it won't. Everyone is different, what works for one doesn't work for everyone. Just be aware that sometimes people think physical separation will be better and are shocked when they struggle just as much.

I'm not a fan of nesting but if you're sure it will be only for a short time then maybe it can work. Most people find that the WAS/WS will milk the nesting arrangement and then 2 years goes by and they're still doing it. So I'd only agree to it for as short of a period of time as possible.

On the dating, yes you do not date for all those reasons and more. You can't possibly be ready to be in an R with someone new. It is possible to be celibate until you are in another relationship. It won't kill you. Use this time to deal with the emotional baggage from the end of your marriage, become the best version of yourself you can be. When the time is right you'll find someone new. Lots of LBSs have shortcut this by dating right away only to wind up back in the same spot with someone new shortly down line.

Last edited by SteveLW; 11/16/21 05:37 PM.

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