Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 8 of 11 1 2 6 7 8 9 10 11
may22 #2926410 11/16/21 09:30 PM
Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 8,231
Likes: 7
R
Member
Offline
Member
R
Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 8,231
Likes: 7
Originally Posted by may22
I agree with CW-- what's the harm of having dinner with her if she asks and you want to?
If you want her to have dinner at your place, you do the invite and you do the cooking. Especially if she was always the cooker.

Negotiation is always an option as well.

"Wednesday doesn't work for me. How about Thursday, I can make us some BLABLABLA?"


You have to look at this like it is a new relationship with a new woman.


"What is best for my kids is best for me"
Amor Fati
Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Ready2Change #2926411 11/16/21 10:13 PM
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 7,366
Likes: 37
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 7,366
Likes: 37
Originally Posted by Ready2Change
Originally Posted by may22
I agree with CW-- what's the harm of having dinner with her if she asks and you want to?
If you want her to have dinner at your place, you do the invite and you do the cooking. Especially if she was always the cooker.

Negotiation is always an option as well.

"Wednesday doesn't work for me. How about Thursday, I can make us some BLABLABLA?"


You have to look at this like it is a new relationship with a new woman.
See this I hate. It’s like you are rewarding her for having an affair and busting up the family. That’s why IMO having plans is best.


M:51 W:46
T:22 M:16
S:15 D:11

�Happiness equals reality minus expectations�- Magliozzi
LH19 #2926413 11/16/21 10:30 PM
Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 8,231
Likes: 7
R
Member
Offline
Member
R
Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 8,231
Likes: 7
Originally Posted by LH19
Originally Posted by Ready2Change
Originally Posted by may22
I agree with CW-- what's the harm of having dinner with her if she asks and you want to?
If you want her to have dinner at your place, you do the invite and you do the cooking. Especially if she was always the cooker.

Negotiation is always an option as well.

"Wednesday doesn't work for me. How about Thursday, I can make us some BLABLABLA?"


You have to look at this like it is a new relationship with a new woman.
See this I hate. It’s like you are rewarding her for having an affair and busting up the family. That’s why IMO having plans is best.

I agree, but I am not sure he has what it takes to do this:
Originally Posted by Ready2Change
Do your kids have cars? If not, "I have something going on Wednesday, I can drop the kids off at your place around 6 and pick them up at 10 if that works for you"

We will see by his actions.


"What is best for my kids is best for me"
Amor Fati
Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
McRamone #2926415 11/16/21 11:52 PM
Joined: Nov 2021
Posts: 39
Likes: 1
M
Member
OP Offline
Member
M
Joined: Nov 2021
Posts: 39
Likes: 1
Well, I guess I appreciate you guys sticking around other than others who took their ball and ran home.


I'm inclined to follow what May22 says. To put it bluntly, she's a woman and I think many guys don't know jack about women.

I know everyone things their situation is different, but I have to reiterate. 1) I don't believe there is an ongoing affair (obviously you guys do...and have made that very clear) The OP is from 2 years ago. And he was never a long term person NEVER. But I can't tell you why because it involves a dynamic that creates some exposure to all parties (not me)

If I was "rewarding her for having an affair" then that ship has sailed because I stuck with her after I found out. 2 months after the communications ceased. And I will note...the last communications were not of a sexual nature but more because of the dynamic. Again this is a public board with a public forum.

so I'll make a deal with you guys. I'm a big boy, I know what it means if I'm wrong. If I am I will be first to eat crow, but I'd rather just deal with what I'm going through in front of me. Thanks.

But it wasn't just one OP that got us to where we are. That much is true.


I had my IC today and I had kind of an epiphany on the way I was approaching things with my W. It was interesting. I also told here I want to work on empathy (someone said that I shouldn't but that is a 180 for me and it applies across all my life) I want to work on giving people the benefit the doubt. I know we can't promote other resources here, but giving the benefit of the doubt is a key component of one of the leading researching on making marriages work.

I also want to work on any anger issues I have. I could be quick to anger on perceived slights.


I also want to make any changes for myself and my kids. Not to win anyone back. honestly, if it's not genuine, it's pure manipulation and I don't care if MWD encourages it, it's dishonest. (I really don't think she does)

I think it's a fantasy of many LBSers to want their spouse to BEG them to come back, I don't want my wife to beg to come back anymore than this board encourages LBS's to beg their WAH or WAWs to come back.

may22.

I do think some of her anger is valid, but much of it is for things that happened in the past and I can't change that.


Surprise - She wanted to come over today to help me with the treadmill. She asked twice. But I politely and clearly decline saying. We would see her tomorrow.


R2C don't give up on me yet. I really don't think your last post was supportive at all.

McRamone #2926416 11/17/21 12:26 AM
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 7,366
Likes: 37
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 7,366
Likes: 37
So Mac daddy I am getting a sense from your posts some arrogance and now apparently anger issues. So again this is possibly what this is all about that your w just needs a break from you.
You remind me of a poster RR17 who was also a lawyer.

The truth be told you can have dinner not have dinner it doesn’t really matter in the long run. If she left to have an affair then there is really nothing you can do until the affair ends. If she’s taking a break then odds are she’s coming back when she’s ready.

Make the changes you want to make for yourself and your children and the rest will work itself out.

Making yourself scarce and being busy is your best bet right now.


M:51 W:46
T:22 M:16
S:15 D:11

�Happiness equals reality minus expectations�- Magliozzi
McRamone #2926419 11/17/21 02:37 AM
Joined: Jul 2020
Posts: 606
Likes: 15
B
Member
Online
Member
B
Joined: Jul 2020
Posts: 606
Likes: 15
McRamone,

All of the posters who responded to you are genuinely here to give advice and help others through one of the hardest times in their lives. And you have A LOT of really experienced people posting in your thread, folks with many years of experience who have read hundreds of sitches. Some of them use finesse and others are more blunt, but everyone's goal is to A) get you in a better place in life and B) save your marriage, if possible.

It sounds like you're doing a lot of things right in terms of not begging/giving space, GAL, IC.

You've identified areas you want to work on, which is great:
Originally Posted by McRamone
I want to work on empathy.
I want to work on giving people the benefit the doubt.
I also want to work on any anger issues I have. I could be quick to anger on perceived slights.
To LH's point, your last post comes across as pretty salty. Maybe this is an example of the "quick to anger" you want to work on?

Originally Posted by McRamone
I know everyone things their situation is different, but I have to reiterate. 1) I don't believe there is an ongoing affair (obviously you guys do...and have made that very clear)
...
so I'll make a deal with you guys. I'm a big boy, I know what it means if I'm wrong. If I am I will be first to eat crow, but I'd rather just deal with what I'm going through in front of me. Thanks.
No one here wants you to have to eat crow. We all hope with you there is not an affair. It's just in most of our own sitches and and the majority of cases on this board there has been one that comes to light...even when the poster swears up and down there is not one. We just want to prepare you for the possibility, as much as it might sting.

Originally Posted by McRamone
Then she said they hooked her internet up. At first I was upset because in my mind you don't get a internet contract if you are going to be away for only 3 months, but then I realized in this day and age it's almost impossible to operate without internet at your home.
It's likely not "3 months" in her head. At first you got upset/panicked/amped up because the internet challenged the comfort of you thinking "it's only 3 months". Then, you got relief when you rationalized in your mind a way that internet doesn't mean she'll be gone more than 3 months. It's hard, but you have to get in the mindset you'll be totally fine if it ends up being more time than initially communicated...whether it's 6 months, a year, or never.


How are your boys? I've asked a few times, but you haven't really engaged. How are they doing with all this? They're teenagers and their mom has moved out. I understand it's a burden on you, but it's also incredibly impactful on them...are you able to help them through it on top of dealing with it yourself?

Last edited by BL42; 11/17/21 02:38 AM.

Me:39 Ex-W:37
M:7 T: 9
S:6 D:3
BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20
OM1 affair ends: May '20
W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20
W files for D: Jul20
OM2 confirmed: 9/2020
Divorced: May '21
LH19 #2926420 11/17/21 03:42 AM
Joined: Nov 2021
Posts: 39
Likes: 1
M
Member
OP Offline
Member
M
Joined: Nov 2021
Posts: 39
Likes: 1
Originally Posted by LH19
So Mac daddy I am getting a sense from your posts some arrogance and now apparently anger issues. So again this is possibly what this is all about that your w just needs a break from you.
You remind me of a poster RR17 who was also a lawyer.


I never met a L who wasn’t arrogant. If we aren’t. We get steamrolled. Anger? Really? Because R2 made a cutting remark? Now maybe he was trying the old reverse psychology but it doesn’t work on everyone.

Tell me how this is helpful.

Quote
I agree, but I am not sure he has what it takes to do this
. I’m not seeing anything other than a jab at me. I could be wrong.

It’s a trying time for me. I do tend to see jab and anger was a normal way of expressing myself growing up. But while we yelled, we also quickly moved on. I did talk to my IC about the anger thing.

The boys are (for now) cool with everything. Of course with teens you can never be sure. I’ve asked it a couple of ways. I’ve been the primary care giver during this whole pandemic. I take them to school. I do fun things with them, I make they are on top of school. Teachers email me with issues. So really it’s more of the same. My W doesn’t have the flexibility with her job so it feel to me.

I’ve made it clear that they can talk to me about this and do regular check-ins.

McRamone #2926424 11/17/21 05:50 AM
Joined: Oct 2020
Posts: 604
Likes: 2
O
Member
Online
Member
O
Joined: Oct 2020
Posts: 604
Likes: 2
Originally Posted by McRamone
I never met a L who wasn’t arrogant. If we aren’t. We get steamrolled.

Mc, arrogance is very unattractive. Just because you're an L and you might all be, doesn't make it any less attractive. Guess what number 1 on the list of attractiveness is for women....confidence. Very different to arrogance, and something I imagine you can be as an L and not get steamrolled. Maybe this mindset is a 180?

I get it, I used to work at an investment bank, I thought the same about arrogance, but now I look back on my time there and its pretty cringe. In my new career, I bring confidence and I feel much better about myself, and no one steamrolls me.

Second, defensiveness, you seem to have a bit of an issue with this. Defensiveness, justifying, both very unattractive behaviours, not just to the opposite sex, to everyone. Again, I had issues here and I've worked very hard to remove these from my life, much better, but still a work in progress.

Originally Posted by McRamone
Anger? Really? Because R2 made a cutting remark? Now maybe he was trying the old reverse psychology but it doesn’t work on everyone. Tell me how this is helpful.

I’m not seeing anything other than a jab at me. I could be wrong.


Go back, read other's threads, I think you will see that R2C (or anyone who has replied for that matter) are the types to take a jab at you.

Last edited by OnlyBent; 11/17/21 05:50 AM.

Me: 40 W:41
T: 14 M: 11
S: 5

BD & OM Jun 2020
W moves out Aug 2020

"What happened happened, and couldn't have happened any other way...because it didn't"
McRamone #2926425 11/17/21 05:54 AM
Joined: Oct 2020
Posts: 604
Likes: 2
O
Member
Online
Member
O
Joined: Oct 2020
Posts: 604
Likes: 2
Originally Posted by McRamone
Well, I guess I appreciate you guys sticking around other than others who took their ball and ran home.


I'm inclined to follow what May22 says. To put it bluntly, she's a woman and I think many guys don't know jack about women.

This is the type of BS I am talking about. Who took their ball and ran home? How many posters have you contributed to?

May is a wise woman, you should listen to her. But at the same time know her sitch is very different to yours. The men you are talking to have spent countless years learning about women to reduce the risk of something happening to them again. Would be remiss to ignore that.


Me: 40 W:41
T: 14 M: 11
S: 5

BD & OM Jun 2020
W moves out Aug 2020

"What happened happened, and couldn't have happened any other way...because it didn't"
McRamone #2926427 11/17/21 06:12 AM
Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 8,231
Likes: 7
R
Member
Offline
Member
R
Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 8,231
Likes: 7
Originally Posted by McRamone
R2C don't give up on me yet. I really don't think your last post was supportive at all.
Not giving up.

I will support you however you need. Only you have all the information to make the best decisions for you and your children. We only have a tiny window into your life.

As you make your choices, and share details, I will be watching and give you my 2 cents.



“One of the great challenges in life is knowing enough to think you're right but not enough to know you're wrong”

― Neil deGrasse Tyson


"What is best for my kids is best for me"
Amor Fati
Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Page 8 of 11 1 2 6 7 8 9 10 11

Moderated by  Cadet, job, Virginia 

Link Copied to Clipboard