New here.

[LH19]

Mac,

I have been on these boards for about 7 years. I can only think of two cases where there was absolutely no sign of OP being involved. So the odds are not in your favor but I keep thinking your case may be different.

Did you/do you have access to her phone? Meaning was the password unprotected or you knew it and could go into it whenever you wanted?

Unfortunately words don't mean anything right now. It's hard not to read into them.

[McRamone]

Mac,

I have been on these boards for about 7 years. I can only think of two cases where there was absolutely no sign of OP being involved. So the odds are not in your favor but I keep thinking your case may be different.

Did you/do you have access to her phone? Meaning was the password unprotected or you knew it and could go into it whenever you wanted?

Unfortunately words don't mean anything right now. It's hard not to read into them.

Well there was an OP that kicked this whole mess off. So you are on point on that. For various reasons, he is not a long term solution nor is she likely boning him in her new apt. (I know nothing is guaranteed and I could be wrong.) I wish I could say more but there are a whole lot of other considerations that would make that somewhat tricky.

I didn't have access to her phone. it'd be chasing down an endless rabbit hole.


man, I am not doing great today. I just don't understand how we ended up here. I don't understand how she can effectively abandon our kids and then go silent. I just want to stop hurting.

[LH19]

I didn't have access to her phone. it'd be chasing down an endless rabbit hole.

Yeah I wouldn't pursue it now but it's a red flag.

man, I am not doing great today.

I am not going to lie this will be the toughest thing you may ever go through. That's why eating right, exercise and sleep are important.

I just don't understand how we ended up here.

When you live with someone, there is a huge motivation to keep the peace. Everyone wants peace in their lives. If you blew up over every little thing that happened between you, you would both be miserable.

As such, you push things down and gloss over them as you live together, and the consequence of that is that resentment builds.

If resentment builds too much over time, eventually it becomes "too much" and people start contemplating an exit from the relationship. During this period, the relationship is really "on trial" but the other party is usually totally unaware of it.

Once the trial is over and the person has more or less resolved to leave, you're on the tail end of a year’s long process. It goes "things are overall good, but this stuff is annoying" -> "These things are really annoying but not bad enough that I want to leave" -> "These things are really annoying and I don't know if I can stay" -> "These things are really annoying and now I have to get out"

Unfortunately, in many cases the "annoying things" were never even articulated, or if they were, not with enough gravity. Once the "I need to leave" point is reached, whatever those things are get magnified and new ones get invented to help convince the departing partner that they are making the right choice, fort an act in self-reinforcement which sometimes requires lots of fabrication.

I don't understand how she can effectively abandon our kids and then go silent.

She needs time and space to figure things out.

I just want to stop hurting.

The pain will subside with time. Stay strong!

[Ready2Change]

I just don't understand how we ended up here. I don't understand how she can effectively abandon our kids and then go silent.

This will take time to process. You both need time and space to process this.

man, I am not doing great today....I just want to stop hurting.

Sorry man. My recommendation is to find safe times and places to feel, express and release your emotions. If you are anything like the rest of us, there is a lot that has been stuffed down.

[Thornton]

[/quote]man, I am not doing great today. I just don't understand how we ended up here. I don't understand how she can effectively abandon our kids and then go silent. I just want to stop hurting.[/quote]

I sure do remember those days distinctly, and I can recall typing that same sentence out almost word for word several times on this board early on in my sitch. It feels like a nightmare you can't wake up from.

The others are correct, you will get past this but it will take time and lots of it.

Something LH says and I absolutely agree with is this... the fastest way to get your WW back is a straight line in the opposite direction.

In other words, your goal should be to make her feel like you are the one dumping her. How do you accomplish this? By getting better in every aspect of your life. Get in the gym and crush your goals. Kill it at work. Eat healthy and meditate. Improve your relationship with your kids. Travel and push yourself outside your comfort zone. Break free from any addictions you might have.

If if you can do those things I've listed above, your W might wonder why in the hell she left a man like you to go live in an apartment, and date men with low integrity who have no issue dating a married woman.

You want to appear like you have had some big epiphany, and that you realize it was her all along that was keeping you from finding YOUR happiness. Now... you don't want to act like some cocky a-hole, but more like someone who is relishing being single and growing into a better version of themselves. Make sense?

I promise a day will come when you will once again smile, and you will realize that everything happens for a reason. Perhaps this will make your marriage stronger one day? Or perhaps you will meet someone much better than your WW and fall in love all over again? Regardless, this is but one chapter in your life, and your story isn't over.

Hang in there.

[Ready2Change]

I didn't sleep well and my mind raced.

I strongly suggest speaking with your medical doctor about sleep aids. I had these pills that would put me out within 30 minutes, and I would be out for exactly 8 hours.

I believe MWD talked about the stop sign technique in her book. We can elaborate if needed.

She wants me to come over to see the place tonight.

Bad idea. The rules have changed. You are not her friend. You are friendly with her. You co-parent with her. She has asked for space. Give her this space and more...much more. Always politely decline. You always have better things planed.

I am not sure how versed you are in all the areas of attraction and seduction, but this is a great time to get yourself more educated. Learn new ways of behaving and interacting with her.

I believe that most new posters do not understand how to be seductive. Check out this post, and specifically counter-intuitive ways to attract:
https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2061094#Post2061094

[Ready2Change]

Your goal should be to make her feel like you are the one dumping her. You want to appear like you have had some big epiphany, and that you realize it was her all along that was keeping you from finding YOUR happiness. Now... you don't want to act like some cocky a-hole, but more like someone who is relishing being single and growing into a better version of themselves.

These are very wise words.

She has to FEEL like she has made a mistake. She has to FEEL like she has lost you. Until this happens, you will be confused. When it happens, you will know. She will beg you for a second chance. When she does, your best response it make her "Qualify" herself. Lots of time before this happens to get prepared.

[McRamone]

Your goal should be to make her feel like you are the one dumping her. You want to appear like you have had some big epiphany, and that you realize it was her all along that was keeping you from finding YOUR happiness. Now... you don't want to act like some cocky a-hole, but more like someone who is relishing being single and growing into a better version of themselves.

These are very wise words.

She has to FEEL like she has made a mistake. She has to FEEL like she has lost you. Until this happens, you will be confused. When it happens, you will know. She will beg you for a second chance. When she does, your best response it make her "Qualify" herself. Lots of time before this happens to get prepared.

So there is where I don't get it. I can't make her FEEL anything. I can only control what I can do. correct? I'm certainly not going to date or meet women in bars. This feels manipulative. Maybe someone can correct me.


============
Journaling.

So she came over last night to have dinner. I realize it's only been one night. I was friendly and upbeat and didn't initiate any substantive conversation. She was in the bedroom collecting things and said,

W - "I didn't sleep well last night"
M- "Oh was it because of the new mattress you are on?"
W- "No" Then she launched into how it affected her. She missed me, missed the kids. etc. I just acknowledge that is was rough. Then made a joke about how I can sleep in a warm room now (she like to keep the windows open...even in winter and it was freezing)

So I think this proves what happened to Thornton. We think they are all happy and excited to start a new chapter without us, but in reality it's hard for them. I'm trying to work on my empathy with how she's feeling.

I find myself getting hung up on the small things too. Like she said at one point that "we were taking a big risk doing this." I really wanted to follow up an ask her what she meant. 'I just said agreed with her.

She also wants to take a tv and a gaming system to her place on Saturday. Then she said they hooked her internet up. At first I was upset because in my mind you don't get a internet contract if you are going to be away for only 3 months, but then I realized in this day and age it's almost impossible to operate without internet at your home. Mind you she saw NONE of this.

I need advice on 2 things.

1- So later on, she talks about how she's coming over to cook dinner on Wednesday. Then she talked about coming over on Saturday. I want to say this to her but wanted to run it by the people here.

1-"if you want to take the kids and have dinner at your place let me know" However, given that you wanted some space, I don't think it's a good idea to keep coming over here." Thoughts?

Admittedly, I'm torn. I would like see her and want her to show I'm changing. But really defeats the point of her moving and I think it could cause me problems.

She was also way more touchy than normal. She grabbed my hand at the table when she was talking to me. When she left, she gave me a hug, a kiss and said ILY.

2- I don't know how to respond. Do I say ILY back when she says it? Do I say nothing? I don't go seeking out hugs/kisses, but I don't want to give her the Heisman- arm straight out BOOM.

Thoughts?


PS. My new treadmill is arriving today or tomorrow. I'm stoked. I haven't had one for a couple of years. And mine was used for more than hanging clothes.

[LH19]

So there is where I don't get it. I can't make her FEEL anything. I can only control what I can do. correct?

Yes and no. If you are out living it up she may feel like she is losing you.

So I think this proves what happened to Thornton. We think they are all happy and excited to start a new chapter without us, but in reality it's hard for them.

This isn't hard for her at all. She knows she can come running home whenever she wants.

I'm trying to work on my empathy with how she's feeling.

Don't waste a second with empathy.

I find myself getting hung up on the small things too. Like she said at one point that "we were taking a big risk doing this." I really wanted to follow up an ask her what she meant. 'I just said agreed with her.

How is it a risk? She loves you and wants to be with you and will be home in three months.

She also wants to take a tv and a gaming system to her place on Saturday. Then she said they hooked her internet up. At first I was upset because in my mind you don't get a internet contract if you are going to be away for only 3 months, but then I realized in this day and age it's almost impossible to operate without internet at your home. Mind you she saw NONE of this.

I'll be shocked if it's 3 months. Who moves out for three months right before Christmas?

1- So later on, she talks about how she's coming over to cook dinner on Wednesday. Then she talked about coming over on Saturday. I want to say this to her but wanted to run it by the people here.

1-"if you want to take the kids and have dinner at your place let me know" However, given that you wanted some space, I don't think it's a good idea to keep coming over here." Thoughts?

How about Can I drop the kids at your place Wednesday? I have plans.

Admittedly, I'm torn. I would like see her and want her to show I'm changing. But really defeats the point of her moving and I think it could cause me problems.

What changes?

She was also way more touchy than normal. She grabbed my hand at the table when she was talking to me. When she left, she gave me a hug, a kiss and said ILY.

She's excited. A 3 month plus vacation from reality.

2- I don't know how to respond. Do I say ILY back when she says it? Do I say nothing? I don't go seeking out hugs/kisses, but I don't want to give her the Heisman- arm straight out BOOM.

Sure say it back if that's how you feel. Feelings are fleeting as DNJ likes to say.

[Thornton]

[/quote]So there is where I don't get it. I can't make her FEEL anything. I can only control what I can do. correct? I'm certainly not going to date or meet women in bars. This feels manipulative. Maybe someone can correct me.[/quote]

In other words, you can influence how she feels about you by focusing on yourself and your personal growth.

I never said meet up with or date women. I said become a man only a fool would leave. Women are attracted to men like that, your wife included. Think James Bond.

You have to let her go to get her back.