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job Offline
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I am so very sorry to read that one of the girls is ill. Both girls have had a wonderful life with you and your son. Unfortunately, it does sound like cancer. A friend of the world just lost his cat one month ago from cancer and it is very difficult to let them go. Don't be surprised that when this little girl crosses the Rainbow Bridge, the other one will follow since they are both around 11 or 12 (I hope that I am wrong about that. She will grieve the loss of her sister just like us humans grieve.)

My thoughts are with you, your son and the "girls". It is never easy to let them go and say goodbye.

I am glad you have your flights booked and will be visiting w/your daughter and son-in-law. I think getting away will do you a world of good. BTW, what are you going to do with your cat? You know that cat loves you and will be upset if you put him in a kennel for the length of your stay.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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AndrewP Offline OP
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Originally Posted by job
BTW, what are you going to do with your cat? You know that cat loves you and will be upset if you put him in a kennel for the length of your stay.
One of the neighbour kids will come by daily to take make sure he has fresh food and water and to check on the house. Cheaper than boarding and certainly less stressful. The young lad who will be doing this has grown up around cats, his parents are very responsible people and I'm fully confident that everything will be well taken care of.


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Had a nice brunch with my son all things considered and had a visit with "the girls". The prognosis for the one cat doesn't seem good at all. The vet drained what they said was the most amount of fluid they ever have from a cat from her lungs. She's on two medications, one that makes her thirsty and some pain medication. I think she recognized me but barely. She's been spending her time in the bathtub which S27 thinks probably feels nice. He told me not to pick her up because it seems to cause her quite a bit of discomfort.

We ate brunch in his apartment because the cafe that he suggested only is doing take-out and talked about things. He needs to make a decision by tomorrow on if he'll proceed with further tests etc and we talked about that. It's his understanding that any further interventions are only able to possibly postpone the inevitable for a short period of time. We talked about death and it helped that a common favourite author (Terry Pratchett) wrote on the topic quite a bit and in a way that is very accepting that it's something that happens. Sir Terry himself, as far as I understand, passed in a way of his own choosing when chronically ill. I think that helped my son to frame the situation.

His apartment was as neat as a new pin - something unusual for him and certainly just achieved. He also talked about his own doctor's appointment which I only had vague knowledge of. Our doctor has prescribed a number of vitamins plus melatonin to help him sleep and some sort of anti-stress medication. I think he's looking forward to taking active action on his sleep and mood issues. Something he's actively resisted for many years and something that he's done on his own initiative.

After brunch I took the long way home intending on doing some thrift shop browsing. One of the ones I wanted to go to is no longer operating but I scored some deals on some things I can use at one surplus store. I'd forgotten how much I love wandering around those places. There were a number of things I was tempted by but have no specific need for. One thing that's important to me is that anything that I bring into the house is needed and used. One of them was some baking racks for me to try something called Million Dollar Bacon that a Navy breakfast place called First Watch had on their menu. My daughter shared the recipe for with me - it was a common treat for her and her husband when they lived in Norfolk.

As I was driving around for some reason I started getting angry at my XW. Not for any particular reason, but just remembering what she put me through and the selfishness she showed. There's a temptation in many parts of the internet to refer to cheating spouses as narcissists, but I prefer to just think of her as a selfish jerk. I'm not a clinician but have certainly learned to identify a jerk when I encounter one.

I had a bit of an epiphany though I think. I was thinking about what she was thinking of her own actions and if she did indeed struggle with her choices as it appeared at the time. I realized that none of that matters at all. Her feelings, her emotions are her's. The hurt I felt was "my" hurt and are only tangentially related to her in that we were in the same marriage.

I also felt a bit of - not pride - but satisfaction that at no time in dealing with my son and his very real problems did I even consider how / if his mother could have helped. She was never very good at empathy anyway, but during our marriage I did rely on her for a lot of the day to day parenting.

---

Ah well. Leaves raked, final load of laundry in and ironing about to start. I have a loaf of bread that's just about ready to go into the oven. I'm going to do mashed potatoes tonight instead of scalloped which means potato pancakes later in the week - perhaps with million dollar bacon.

The dusting and vacuuming will wait for another day.


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The hurt I felt was "my" hurt and are only tangentially related to her in that we were in the same marriage.

Were you, though? In the same marriage? I often think about the fact that the marriage I thought I was in was very different from the one my ex was in. I’ll take the one I was in any day.

Sorry about the kitty. My sister has one that’s just being held together with antibiotics and steroids, but probably not much longer. Seems like we sturdy LBSs get to be the ones our kids lean on in times like these.

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Hello Andrew

Originally Posted by AndrewP
As I was driving around for some reason I started getting angry at my XW. Not for any particular reason, but just remembering what she put me through and the selfishness she showed.

Sounds like some processing going on within.

Originally Posted by AndrewP
I had a bit of an epiphany though I think. I was thinking about what she was thinking of her own actions and if she did indeed struggle with her choices as it appeared at the time. I realized that none of that matters at all. Her feelings, her emotions are her's. The hurt I felt was "my" hurt and are only tangentially related to her in that we were in the same marriage.

Nice perspective.

Yes, she did struggle. Made poor choices. And now has to live with the consequences.

Her feelings are her’s. Your feelings are your’s.

By the way, I think you and her were in the same marriage for a good many years. Then she chose a different path.

Originally Posted by AndrewP
I also felt a bit of - not pride - but satisfaction that at no time in dealing with my son and his very real problems did I even consider how / if his mother could have helped.

Well done.

Epiphanies that stick have corresponding and reinforcing actions.

My W did most of the day to day parenting as well. We let go and step up. And our kids see and realize who is the stable one.

Sorry son’s kitty is declining. You know the best course of action and are being compassionate discussing options with son. Nicely done Dad! Son knew who to speak to.

D


Now: Me54 XW50 S24 S23 S21 D19

Oct 8/17-BD, Moves in w/OM, Leaves Kids
Me49 W46 S20 S19 S16 D15
M26 T29
Dec 9/17-Legal Separation
Oct 3/18-W Files
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Originally Posted by kml
Quote
The hurt I felt was "my" hurt and are only tangentially related to her in that we were in the same marriage.

Were you, though? In the same marriage? I often think about the fact that the marriage I thought I was in was very different from the one my ex was in. I’ll take the one I was in any day.
Semantics. I choose to believe my own version of the past.

There were lots of rumours circulating around that I feel are irrelevant about past improper behaviour. I've also been told that she has a narrative that is at odds with available evidence. Where does the actual truth lie? Not really relevant to me.

For me and my peace of mind, I'm not wanting to re-write any history and accept my own narrative that she was a loyal and faithful wife up until she wasn't that one time. Which other than the last bit, was her narrative as well. Would I ever trust her again? No way on this good earth would I. Heck, I'm having trouble with the concept of every trusting "anyone", much less someone who was capable of doing what she did, in the manner she did it regardless of any pain endured or caused in the process.

For others who had to deal with a long-term pattern of abuse of whatever form, it's perhaps different. In my misfortune, I am much more fortunate than most. For the life I lead now, I have more freedom and fewer responsibilities than I would had my marriage continued. My non-existant sex life is only marginally off what it would have been if we'd stayed married too crazy


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Originally Posted by AndrewP
There were lots of rumors circulating around that I feel are irrelevant about past improper behavior. I've also been told that she has a narrative that is at odds with available evidence. Where does the actual truth lie? Not really relevant to me.
Who tells you these things? Your friends? You know more about what's going on in your ex-wife's life then some of my friends know about their own wives' lives.

I think you are stuck Andrew and you need to get unstuck. You never really took to self help books, working out and GAL so when you throw in a pandemic you are left to ponder the past. Also, since the circus left town you really don't have anything to focus on.

Start to think about what you want and why you want it and go out and get it. Time is ticking, we are not getting any younger.

Onward and upward.


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Originally Posted by LH19
I think you are stuck Andrew and you need to get unstuck. You never really took to self help books, working out and GAL so when you throw in a pandemic you are left to ponder the past.
Get over it LH. I'm talking about the distant past and you are also making stuff up about how I've navigated my healing journey showing again that you have no real clue. Just accept that I'm not like you and am pretty happy about that - K?


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Originally Posted by AndrewP
Originally Posted by LH19
I think you are stuck Andrew and you need to get unstuck. You never really took to self help books, working out and GAL so when you throw in a pandemic you are left to ponder the past.
Get over it LH. I'm talking about the distant past and you are also making stuff up about how I've navigated my healing journey showing again that you have no real clue. Just accept that I'm not like you and am pretty happy about that - K?
Roger that! We are all different. We were all wounded. It's journey eh?


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I don’t think it’s being stuck to occasionally look back and ponder a past, long term marriage - the keys to future happiness lies in figuring out how not to make those mistakes again, how to recognize those red flags.

Oddly, both my ex-brother in law and two of my exH’s best friend popped up in my FB suggestions for “people you may know” yesterday. The two friends I do share one FB friend with, but none at all with my ex brother in law. I know FB will suggest people if they’ve gone looking for you in FB. I haven’t looked at my ex’s page in years nor have I looked at his friends or family. My FB settings are pretty private so they wouldn’t see anything anyway, just wondering why the sudden interest? The only members of ex’s family who have stayed in touch are his aunt and one cousin.

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