Have fun at the BBQ! Consider taking another step back from controlling the experience--at the beginning, let her introduce you to whomever she wants to, politely excuse yourself to use the restroom or get some food, then focus on others. See her again whenever you see her again whether that turns out to be "sooner" or "later".
This is plan A.
There is an art to breaking away. Do not do it too soon. Do not wait too long. You definitely want to do it before she does. A good time is when it is just you her and one other person. As long as you are actively in the covo, stay. Once the convo goes to just the two of them talking back and forth without you, excuse yourself to the restroom.
This is a problem for me. I think she may say it as soon as we arrive. She has complained in the past that I do not socialise enough and hang around with her at parties. I might just say it after we get a drink when we arrive. I find it very hard to do small talk. I am reading a book on it this week in preparation.
I know this has been said before, but bears repeating-- validating is about FEELINGS, not behavior. And I think it comes across as condescending when the person trying to validate is just saying the words and doesn't actually give a $hit. People can tell. Try to put your own ego aside and be actually curious about what the other person is saying.
Even if what you're getting from your S is "I want a D"-- okay! I know it helped me a lot when I went from hearing my H say he wanted to (maybe) move out and in my head just furiously composing all the reasons why that was a stupid idea for the kids or whatever to setting myself aside and just really listening and realizing-- this is truly how he feels and I needed to actually understand and accept that. It helped me tremendously towards detaching.[\quote]
I really need to work on this. I am going to practice on my kids and at work.
[quote=may22]I don't think your responses need to be exploring her feelings and asking leading questions to get her to open up more. I think it can simply be I hear you, I'm listening, I see you as a person rather than the enemy who is trying to break up my family and take my kids away. In my sitch when my H would say things like he was thinking about moving out (and I got past the arguing back phase) I would just say, okay. I understand. I'm not stopping you. It takes the wind out of their sails when you don't argue back. Now I wasn't going to do any of the legwork for him, or pat him on the head and say it was a terrific idea-- if he wanted to move out he was welcome to, but I wasn't going to be an accomplice or make it a mutual decision.
Good advice, she barely mentions the R. I was actually surprised when she brought it up the other night. I will try to do this next time she does bring it up.
Originally Posted by may22
All the GAL sounds good.
Thanks, its hard when you are breaking up inside.
Originally Posted by may22
The observing comment is condescending. But who cares? Of course she says $hit like that. She's a WS. Don't let it bother you for a single second. Getting up in arms about her being condescending is just continuing to be attached.
I actually took it that she doesnt beleive any changes will last as she has seen it all before. But that she wasnt fully closing the door. Maybe im mind reading, but gave me a bit of focus that she maybe a bit curious about my self improvement.
Originally Posted by may22
My recommendation for you is to simply continue to focus on that which you can control-- YOU-- and recognize and let go of that which you cannot (everything else, but particularly your W). It seems to me a bit like you swung from worrying about every single thing you said to her and tiptoeing around to being kind of rude and cold (I could be totally reading that wrong, if so I apologize) but also still hoping that you acting in this way will cause her to do or think X, Y, or Z. It is still trying to control her behavior and having expectations.
Im not being rude or cold. I just havent initiated any conversation for the last two days. Or always picked the phone up when she rings. When she starts talking I am being generous and friendly, but trying the be the one who ends the conversation. For example last night she needed some help with writing a report for her work. I was sitting talking to my eldest at the dinner table. She came back er and started asking my son to help her. I knew she was really asking me via him, but I just kept quiet. My son didnt understand what she was wanting and so after about 5 minutes she of talking to him, she asked me directly. I said no problem and helped her do it, eventually even typing it out on her ipad. She read it said, “perfect” and “thanks”. I asked if she needed any more help, she said no, I said let me know if you do. Then I stood up and went upstairs.
Originally Posted by may22
One last little piece of advice-- I would recommend beyond your self-help book to read something totally unrelated to your sitch, or watch a movie, or hang out with friends who don't know what is going on and you can just talk about all sorts of other things-- I think when you let your situation seep through every part of your life, it is exhausting. Carve out something that isn't about improving yourself or your M or whatever. Just relax and BE and remember that everything is going to be okay, no matter what happens, as long as you remember what is important (for me it was focusing on the kids and being the best mom I could be).
Yes I need to do this more. I went to the cinema last weeked and it really relaxed me.
Ok, today is the polar opposite of yesterday. I feel like total cr&p. Didnt sleep all night cannot stop thinking about her and OM together, what they did together. I feel in a lot of pain.
Worried I am going to go home and do something I regret, like beg and plead, confront her about OM, etc
Gonna take a lot to hold it together tonight!
This is why I warned you of the emotional roller-coaster being real, and understanding how you will go through so many different emotions over time.
I was not your typical LBS in 2017. I was someone had been through the trenches once already. When my W hit me with "I don't want to be married anymore" after I confronted her with messages between her and her EAP, I made the classic mistakes. Beg, pleaded, cried, made promises, tried reasoning with her. The next day was Christmas Eve and I was depressed and needy, clingy.
On Christmas Day I woke up and things were very close to being normal, with gift exchanges, and calls to relatives. Though still on my mind, it took a backseat to the activities of the holiday.
On the 26th I awoke, sat up, and remember MWD and DBing. I realized the way I had acted on BD and Christmas Eve wasn't going to work. So I went back and read all of MWD's online and email writings. I watched all of her videos. I began to look up similar anti-divorce experts, and began consuming there writings and videos. I started ordering books, mostly ebooks so that I could read them discreetly. And I fell back on how I had approached our 2005 situation and started to get better about putting all of the advice into place. GAL, self-improving, 180ing on bad and unhelpful behavior, and emotional detachment. I even found one book that talked about self-differentiation, which was very similar to emotional detachment. And this book's point was that you have to be a well differentiated individual throughout a relationship in order for that relationship to be successful.
Despite all of that, I still rode the emotional roller-coaster. Some days I woke up resolved that she was making the biggest mistake of her life, that I would go on to a great life, and she would be miserable for letting me go. Some days I woke up convinced that if I played my cards right I could save the marriage and all would be fine. Other days I woke up panicked that my life as I knew it was coming to an end, and in despair about how I could possibly deal with all of the fallout! And still others I would wake up depressed, sad, and woe is me.
And guess what, sometimes those emotions caused me to do things contrary to DB techniques. My WW, who was also a WAW, was very impatient with me starting R talks. I could tell she hated when I would call during my weak moments and temp check her. I got better over time. I had a couple of people I could talk to when I was feeling weak. One was a guy that had gone through a D. He was a huge help to me. I met him on in a divorce support chatroom. He would make time to talk, and just anticipating talking to him would help ease my mind and keep me from starting a R talk with my WW.
So find other resources, this board, a new friend, someone you can trust, etc. That way you are talking to them instead of her. And then LH's suggestion about going for a walk or run is outstanding. I never walked more in my life than I did when I was going through my sitch.
M(52), W(53),D(17) M-20, T-23 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018