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Originally Posted by may22
I still think that moving someone's stuff around and trying to do things to manipulate them into certain actions (like moving out) is attempting to control and not really DBing.
I agree with May here. I do think there are circumstances that may warrant these actions but not in this case. She has pretty much moved out of the master bedroom and seems to be respectful towards Costanza in the process. His long term goal is recon so there no sense in burning any bridges. Strength comes in not begging, pleading and wishing her well (indifference).

Originally Posted by may22
Strength would be not giving a $hit and going about your own business and building your best possible life, which probably means you are too busy to waste your time packing someone else's stuff for them.)
This is why the recon rate is so low. LBS $uck at this part of it.

Originally Posted by may22
This board helped me tremendously with this. I'd say regardless of whether your desire is to stand or to D, learning to control your emotions and respond rationally is a big plus to DBing.
Learning to control your emotions will change your life more then anything else you can learn in the process. I am getting good at it but still a WIP.


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Please start a new thread and link both threads together. Thanks!


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Re controlling emotions, Unchien, made a really great quote once that has stuck with me. I can’t recall exactly, but something along the lines of pausing before reacting to emotionally charged situations. As he quoted “that pause my friend, is control”. For me that pause needs to be a few hours+, but it works.


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BD & OM Jun 2020
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Originally Posted by BL42
SteveLW/may22,

Originally Posted by SteveLW
BL, awesome post. Just one point of clarification. Unfortunately in most places he cannot just kick her out of the house. He can kick her out of the MBR (if she is still in there). By packing her stuff up and moving it into another room. When she protests "While you are acting like a single person, and cheating on me, you cannot sleep in the MBR."

Originally Posted by may22
Originally Posted by BL42
You could pack up her stuff one night she's out partying and have it in the garage when she comes back.
No, you can't do that. That is probably illegal. I think this as well as packing her stuff up and moving it out of the MBR all smacks of trying to control her and tell her what to do.
For the record I never suggested he kick her out of the house (E.g., change the locks...whatever), which he likely does not have the right to do that at this point. I simply said an option was packing up her stuff and moving it out of the MBR to the garage or basement or wherever. Certainly fair to debate whether that's controlling behavior and whether it's proper DB'ing technique, but (with the standard "consult an L" caveat) I highly doubt it's illegal...no laws to say you can't move clothes and shoes from one room to another.

Also, if you read costanza's latest post his W's already not sleeping in the MBR on her own accord:
Originally Posted by costanza
She doesn't sleep in the MBR with me anymore.

My main point was she's having an affair and his sitch is most likely heading towards a separation soon regardless of what he does, yet he's coming across with these little questions as scared of that happening and thinking if he buys her lunch and asks about her work project maybe she might stay. Better he act strong and get strong now and A) know it's going to happen and B) he'll be alright regardless. Personally, in retrospect I wish I had packed up my ExW's stuff and left it for her with a note when she came back late night from hooking up at work with OM1. Doubt it would've changed the end result, but I'd feel much stronger about standing up to the bad behavior. Anyway, just my $0.02...feel free to disagree.

Ok, I took it wrong. I just think there are things you have to be careful with legally. Certainly support costanza finding his inner-strength and standing up for himself. And would certainly support him kicking her out of the MBR if she weren't already sleeping elsewhere. And I even support him boxing her things up and moving to which ever room she is sleeping in.


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Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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