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Not sure I understand all of that. If I can decipher it sounds like your are doing what you want to do, rather to than what is best, and making excuses why. Your life. Your sitch. Do what you want. Just realize that some of your choices will delay you moving forward, not help.


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Mach40 Offline OP
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^, I thought I explained it somewhat. Holidays, we are going to do it together as normal. For the sake of the kids.
Neither will bring a date.
Divorce, first part of 2022.
Most important thing is me, fixing me.
Relationship with kids, and grand kids is solid..


Never Forget your past so you dont repeat, and regret it... The grass isnt greener on the other side, its just a different shade, and time will show it..
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M,

I agree at this point if you are cool with it there is no reason not to have the holidays together this year.

As for her BS about not being ready for a commitment blah blah blah. I would bet a million dollars she’s still on line dating but just hasn’t found anyone.

Yeah she has not attraction for you because you have become her emotional tampon meeting her for lunches and coffee. The quickest way to get someone’s attention is to remove yours.

Glad you are moving towards to D and if I were you I would file after the holidays. It takes a really long time and will give her plenty of time to get health insurance.

Onward and upward!


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�Happiness equals reality minus expectations�- Magliozzi
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Originally Posted by LH19
M,

I agree at this point if you are cool with it there is no reason not to have the holidays together this year.

As for her BS about not being ready for a commitment blah blah blah. I would bet a million dollars she’s still on line dating but just hasn’t found anyone.

Yeah she has not attraction for you because you have become her emotional tampon meeting her for lunches and coffee. The quickest way to get someone’s attention is to remove yours.

Glad you are moving towards to D and if I were you I would file after the holidays. It takes a really long time and will give her plenty of time to get health insurance.

Onward and upward!
Lawyer said maybe a month tops. Covid restrictions dont allow anyone in courts basically. 25 dollar process fee is already paid, year apart is met. Just a filing in this state..
Emotional Tampon. Interesting. Havent seen her in about 6 to 8 weeks, 4 due to travel. Well, I digress.
But I agree, removing my attention is the way to go. Worked on me.


Never Forget your past so you dont repeat, and regret it... The grass isnt greener on the other side, its just a different shade, and time will show it..
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Mach40,

I think what SteveLW and LH19 are saying is you're being W's emotional crutch by being there for her at the Holidays after her mom passed even though she separated from you and is heading towards a divorce. If you want to spend Thanksgiving and Christmas there because gives you more kid/grandkid time it probably won't be the make or break difference in a long term recon but not sure if helps your detachment or moving on. The frequent calls, lunches, and Holidays allow her to keep you on the hook.

Anyway, sounds like you'll be out of the country for work in the first half of 2022 so that'll be some forced space. Use the time well! Work out, do activities, meet people...enjoy life!


Me:39 Ex-W:37
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OM1 affair ends: May '20
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The goal for reconciliation is simple. Make the changes you need to make and go in the exact opposite direction. She needs to wonder where you are at and what you are doing.

I think you still have a chance but you I think you are going to need to divorce her and move on first. The real question is will you want her back after going through all this heartbreak and pain?


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Originally Posted by BL42
Mach40,

I think what SteveLW and LH19 are saying is you're being W's emotional crutch by being there for her at the Holidays after her mom passed even though she separated from you and is heading towards a divorce. If you want to spend Thanksgiving and Christmas there because gives you more kid/grandkid time it probably won't be the make or break difference in a long term recon but not sure if helps your detachment or moving on. The frequent calls, lunches, and Holidays allow her to keep you on the hook.

Anyway, sounds like you'll be out of the country for work in the first half of 2022 so that'll be some forced space. Use the time well! Work out, do activities, meet people...enjoy life!

BL, exactly. M40, it isn't as if your sitch is brand new. At this stage you should be looking to do things that moves your life forward. What I am still detecting here is that there are expectations that are still guiding your actions. "Maybe if I attend holidays with her....." "Maybe if I emotionally support her through a difficult time....."

The giveaway to me was this:

Originally Posted by Mach40
As far as having a another person with her or me at any of these events, its not going to happen as neither one of us is ready to tackle that..
She is working 6 to 7 days a week, and doesnt need the added stress of emotional commitments right now. This is not really relevant, just her talking to me about it.

So if she had said she was bringing someone, would your answer have been different? Not that I blame you if it would be, but it shows that you are not emotionally detached. This is why the advice was to separate the holidays. That way if she was bringing someone....or she wasn't, no biggie. You had your own plans with your kids. "You do Thanksgiving with them on Thursday, I will on Friday. At Christmas you have them Christmas Eve, then I have them Christmas Eve night and Christmas morning." Or vice-versa. I know your kids are older and the Eve night/Christmas morning thing may not apply in your sitch, but you get the gest. Feeling her out to see if she was bringing someone wasn't the right approach for moving forward with your life.

And then the second sentence is just her talking. It has no basis in fact. You are the last person she is going to tell "And I am actively dating OP." So this falls into the category of "believe nothing she says". And that principle still applies even when you desperately want to believe it. In fact, it applies even more so in that case.

M40, this is why I said it is your sitch, you can make the choices you want. But I cannot respond in this forum positively when someone is claiming that they are moving forward with their life when their decisions are saying otherwise. It seems you through in the "I will file for D" comment in an effort to convince us, and maybe even yourself, that the moving forward with your life was true. I hope this isn't too harsh, it isn't meant to be. Just meant to be an honest assessment.

I agree with BL, the forced space will be good for you. I highly highly highly encourage you to go dark and follow the LRT after the holidays and through your away time.

Last edited by SteveLW; 11/22/21 12:54 PM.

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Mach,

I am confused by your situation. let me know if I have anything wrong. You have been living apart for 3 years but jut recently filed for a "divorce lite" I'm kind of wondering what you are hoping to achieve that hasn't been achieved in the last 3 years?

I mean I see almost nothing that says your W is turning around and I think she's been pretty upfront with you about where the R is. (Obviously, you know her and what she says on a day to day basis better than us) I know it totally [censored] to hear and people say don't believe her when she says stuff, but I think she's kinda told you where you stand.

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Thanksgivng was good. Spent 99% of the time with my daughters and grand kids..
Very little time with my wife. But it was cordial, just a simple hey. No drama, no hopium..


Never Forget your past so you dont repeat, and regret it... The grass isnt greener on the other side, its just a different shade, and time will show it..
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Originally Posted by Mach40
Thanksgivng was good. Spent 99% of the time with my daughters and grand kids..
Very little time with my wife. But it was cordial, just a simple hey. No drama, no hopium..

So you could have done this on your own. This post is actually an argument against a joint Thanksgiving..............


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