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I keep dwelling on my convo with my brother today. I have to admit that I have kept him and his partner at arms length. There is history there that causes me to feel judged and not supported. Sure, he does help me in some ways, but when it comes to the emotional part of support, that is where I feel judged and pressured. You see, even when I divorced the first time, they had no patience for my struggles. And now with what I am going through, I hold back because even when I share a little, I feel judged.

I think I will focus on some of this with my therapist. I honestly struggle to manage others expectations of me right now, when I am struggling to just keep moving forward. Today I felt measured against how another friend is doing who lost her husband to sickness. I felt judged for continuing to struggle. I felt dismissed when I expressed feeling overwhelmed with having to move and go through divorce (and quitting my job) in the same month. I know my family wants to help. But I dread discussing things with them. Suggestions feel like invalidation or pressure.

I told my brother that I love him and I appreciate his support and I understand he is trying to be helpful. But I expressed that he can’t understand what I am going through and this is not something he can fully help me with. His partner suffered betrayal, but I expressed that it’s different for everyone. I mentioned that I have resources like this site, but he said, “well, if no one can understand it, why do you confide in them?”. I feel like I can’t win…like they are forcing me to share with them so they can feel better, but it doesn’t help me at all. I honestly do not feel like they can help me. I feel like they just are frustrated that they really do not know what is going on inside of me or what happened in my marriage. I told him I don’t want to be told that I should be in a different stage than I am in by someone who has never walked in my shoes. I told him that I am doing IC, that I am reading a lot of books, that I have this forum, etc. I told him I am moving forward, but I can’t just turn on happy face like he says I should.

I listened to some podcasts that discussed codependency, and I think I am seriously codependent. At least I was in my marriage. And maybe even in my work. I bought the book “Codependent No More” and I see my marriage in some of the descriptions. I put my Hs needs above my own. And when I was completely depleted, that was part of when I stood up for myself and he left. Now, seeing how much I neglected myself, I am trying to put my needs first and I keep getting resistance in several places. I also bought a book on boundaries and I keep trying to be better about those. But instead I just feel more pressure and guilt when I establish my needs or my boundaries. Is this normal? Has this happened to any of you? How do you keep enough closeness to allow your family to feel they are supporting you, but having enough boundaries to protect the parts you don’t want to share or to avoid areas of judgement? I also think my mother in codependent as well, as I see her doing everything for my dad and also nothing for herself.

My brother and his partner have an extremely happy and almost perfect marriage. But they also have a very happy and rich life of travel and leisure. They have no idea of what it is like to struggle in the ways that I have. So, it’s very hard to share feelings that I feel they can’t wrap their heads around. It’s like describing scraping food from the bottom of a trash canl to someone who has only known food served from a silver platter.

I know I’m in a very down place right now. But I am also in a very stressful time. I feel I am doing what I can to keep my head above water. I am doing self care, I am learning about healing, I am working to get control over my finances, I am taking steps toward moving on in my life. Just because I can’t say I’m happy right now and put a smile on my face doesn’t mean I am not where I should be right?


Me 52, H 56
T10 M7, 2nd MR for both
2 Step Sons (19 and 21)
BD: Fall 2020
D finalized: July 2022
XH Married AP soon after D day.



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Dearest El,

Your last sentences say it all.
No, at this moment you don't feel well.

Isn't this normal after all you've been through? Of course this is normal.
I will say even more, you have to go through this!
If you do not do this, you will get stuck and you will not process what you have to process, so that would mean you would not make any progress.

So you are exactly where you need to be sweet El, no matter how difficult it is.

Keep posting your feelings, this way you write them off, that alone can already do wonders.

xxx
Eagle


Me(45)EXH(44)
M:15 T:18, S19, S16 & S16
04/19-02/20 ILYB & OW1
12/20-08/22 OW2 (+pregnant-his child)
03/22-Divorce official
06/22-08/23 Reconnecting
09/23-possible back with OW2
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Thank you Eagle!

I also spoke with my IC and she said the same. I do need to work on not being affected by other peoples opinions and feelings. My IC pointed out that I may have issues in this area…and I told her I would be surprised if I don’t. I can remember events in my growling up, my work life and in my personal life where I have felt judged and/or invalidated. What is very hard right now is that I am very alone, I do not have a lot of people around me that I feel safely supported by, and when my family does this, it’s very hard. They should be my safe place and they are not. I don’t have a lot of other safe options available to me for reality checks.

She mentioned there are many things we can work on as we move forward but she wants to be pretty careful with me right now until I get passed the divorce and the move. I agreed, but also told her that I want her to be real with me. I want the 2x4s even if they are hard to hear. I want to grow, I want to become a better person, and I never want to fall in love with someone who is bad for me again. And even though I know I am a good person, I realize that I have things like codependency, trauma, etc, that I need to work through.

On another note… My divorce mediation is next week and I’m very nervous. It all feels so fast…at least when it comes to how much time we have to view docs from discovery. But my L assured me that we will have what we need ready and if we are not happy at this session we can continue to move towards another mediation. So that helped. He also feels pretty confident in his strategy. As part of the divorce process I am writing about the events of my marriage and divorce. And in some ways it’s been healing because I can see on paper that I was doing my best to deal with a very difficult marriage and difficult situations. I see that I went into my marriage full of hope, joy, love and loyalty. I see that I showed up and tried to work through issues, even if I didn’t always do it the right way. I tried with the tools I had. Even though many of you on here have expressed this to me as well, it is really starting to sink in. And that is healing.

I’m so exhausted. I’m also moving next week and I have not even started packing. At least a lot of my stuff is still in boxes. But I will get through it. I have to. No one is going to do it for me. Thank goodness I do not have to move in one day.

Wish me luck with the mediation. Pray that we have a good mediator and that I end up with a generous but fair settlement. I want to move forward. I want to feel secure in my future financially. I want to heal. I’m so ready to be in my so called wonderful future!

El


Me 52, H 56
T10 M7, 2nd MR for both
2 Step Sons (19 and 21)
BD: Fall 2020
D finalized: July 2022
XH Married AP soon after D day.



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I need help. I’m really struggling today. I met with lawyer and we prepped for mediation. I feel so anxious and overwhelmed by this process. I want to feel like I can trust my lawyer but I can’t help feeling freaked out and mentally agitated. It’s like I feel like I’m not sure I can think straight through the process. How do I know if I feel good about the plan he has if I can’t think straight? My emotions are all over the place.

I don’t trust my H and how do I know that what we are discussing is fact? My lawyer thinks that a deep discovery process would only blow a lot money, and I believe that makes sense as we were not the types who had a lot of money to begin with. But on the other hand, what is a good result/deal if you are not sure you are looking at the complete picture? Or how do you know what is a good deal and better than dragging it out? For someone who looks at details and logic, the ambiguity of it all is killing me.

And I also think that even though I know in my mind that I don’t want my H back and the marriage was not worth saving, I can’t help but feel emotional at the finality of it all. I recognize that I still love him, but I also recognize that the person I still love is probably not even real. Maybe I’m in love with the memory or the person I thought he was, but it feels so raw right now. It hurts so much.

I’ve not been able to cry much in a long while, but right now I’m struggling not to hold back my emotions. I’m balling. I want to embrace that this time has come and that getting all of this finalized will be good for me to move forward. But at the same time I am stuck dwelling on his lies and if I should have ended up with more money and if that really even matters if I end up with ‘enough’. I logically realize that regardless of the actual dollars, I’ve been dealt a bad deal. I wish I had never met him.

I realize that I can enter this mediation and not settle. But if it appears that my H, from the information we have which is actually pretty limited, is offering a very fair settlement, and I don’t take it on this first mediation, do I risk turning this into some nightmare fight because I’m emotionally not capable of processing all of this in my current state? Will my emotional weakness right now make things worse for me? Financially and emotionally?

I’m in a panic. I swear I am having an anxiety attack and the mediation isn’t even until next week. What is wrong with me? How do I get through this? I messaged my IC and told her that I really need someone to be there with me to be the brain like you have when you bring someone else to the doctor when you have a bad diagnosis…because there is no way for you to process what you are being told. But I won’t have anyone. It’s just me. And my lawyer. And I’m petrified I will not be able to handle this. And I feel awful, because I am so alone. I have no one I can call on to help me with this. I am feeling so alone…and I am so frustrated that I’ve become so isolated and how I’ve ended up here.


Me 52, H 56
T10 M7, 2nd MR for both
2 Step Sons (19 and 21)
BD: Fall 2020
D finalized: July 2022
XH Married AP soon after D day.



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Elbereth,

Sorry you're struggling lately. Dealing with the divorce and a move is a lot. It's emotional, it's difficult...but you WILL get through it. You're not completely alone as so many of us here understand what you're going through right now and want to help. Don't hold back your emotions; go ahead and cry and let it out.

Hang in there! Better days are ahead!


Me:39 Ex-W:37
M:7 T: 9
S:6 D:3
BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20
OM1 affair ends: May '20
W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20
W files for D: Jul20
OM2 confirmed: 9/2020
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Good Morning El

Apparently I didn’t press post. Lol. I’ll append to my musing from days ago.

Originally Posted by Elbereth
It just hard I guess to realize that you can invest so much of yourself into your work and marriage and in the end, it just gets tossed aside. And you are left feeling like it was all such a waste of time.

It certainly does feel like such.

Consider this: Yes you did invest of yourself into your work and marriage. However, you really invested into yourself. Everything of your past has brought you to this point. That is not a waste.

Allowing the temporary feelings to recede and finding conviction in you and your life takes time.

Originally Posted by Elbereth
I find I struggle to put my feelings into words. And when I try, I feel like I'm defending myself and not understood...not here...but with people who know me. My brother stopped by and I got all sweaty and upset talking to him.

Oh yes. It is difficult to convey, especially to those who haven’t walked in similar shoes.

Originally Posted by Elbereth
I honestly struggle to manage others expectations of me right now, when I am struggling to just keep moving forward. Today I felt measured against how another friend is doing who lost her husband to sickness. I felt judged for continuing to struggle. I felt dismissed when I expressed feeling overwhelmed with having to move and go through divorce (and quitting my job) in the same month. I know my family wants to help. But I dread discussing things with them. Suggestions feel like invalidation or pressure.

I do empathize my friend. Depression is difficult. And most people do not understand nor have experienced similar and end up providing more sympathy than empathy.

Originally Posted by Elbereth
I also bought a book on boundaries and I keep trying to be better about those. But instead I just feel more pressure and guilt when I establish my needs or my boundaries. Is this normal? Has this happened to any of you? How do you keep enough closeness to allow your family to feel they are supporting you, but having enough boundaries to protect the parts you don’t want to share or to avoid areas of judgement?

Yes your feelings are normal. Establishing clearer boundaries and needs is kind of new for you (and most of us). That change brings self doubt which brings about pressure and guilt as well. All normal emotions and reactions; which will pass.

I was just talking to a friend about how it seems we withdraw from people during these times. I shared my view - think of it as less withdrawing and more re-drawing your circle of those close to you. There is an alignment happening within you. Boundaries, convictions, values, etc - all being tested, and strengthened. Have faith, you are doing fine.

Originally Posted by Elbereth
I want to grow, I want to become a better person, and I never want to fall in love with someone who is bad for me again.

It’s probably going to be hard to believe this right now - STXH wasn’t a bad thing. Sure it hurts, he did terrible things, and betrayed you; and you will become (and are) a better person for it. Growth, true sincere deep growth is always painful and a struggle. (((Hug)))

Originally Posted by Elbereth
I see that I went into my marriage full of hope, joy, love and loyalty. I see that I showed up and tried to work through issues, even if I didn’t always do it the right way. I tried with the tools I had. Even though many of you on here have expressed this to me as well, it is really starting to sink in. And that is healing.

Good for you.

Originally Posted by Elbereth
I need help. I’m really struggling today. I met with lawyer and we prepped for mediation. I feel so anxious and overwhelmed by this process. I want to feel like I can trust my lawyer but I can’t help feeling freaked out and mentally agitated. It’s like I feel like I’m not sure I can think straight through the process. How do I know if I feel good about the plan he has if I can’t think straight? My emotions are all over the place.

Breathe.

Feeling anxious and overwhelmed is a very understandable response to your pending divorce / mediation. There is lots a stake. There are lots of unanswered questions. There are lots of possibilities. Breathe, let the future unfold as it will.

You and your L have prepared well. Now you need to see what the other side comes to the table with.

“I want to feel like I can trust my lawyer but I can’t help feeling freaked out and mentally agitated.” You can trust your lawyer. Do not tie your freaked out feelings to your L. Those emotions are from worry about the unknown future. Uncouple your worry from your faith in your lawyer.

“How do I know if I feel good about the plan he has if I can’t think straight? My emotions are all over the place.” You don’t need to feel good about the plan. In fact I’d be surprised if you did feel good about divorcing. Of course you feel bad and guilty and anxious and worried and so on. Keep it business. Keep this in the intellectual realm. Look at it logically and (as best you can) dispassionately.

Originally Posted by Elbereth
I don’t trust my H and how do I know that what we are discussing is fact? My lawyer thinks that a deep discovery process would only blow a lot money, and I believe that makes sense as we were not the types who had a lot of money to begin with. But on the other hand, what is a good result/deal if you are not sure you are looking at the complete picture? Or how do you know what is a good deal and better than dragging it out? For someone who looks at details and logic, the ambiguity of it all is killing me.

True, don’t trust your H.

A deep discovery is likely to just blow a lot of money and find little. As you said, “we were not the types who had a lot of money to begin with”. You know or have a pretty good idea of how much you and H were financially worth; it’s not like he is hiding millions of dollars.

As for the complete picture, and a good result / deal. What is a good result? Or a fair result? How close to a complete picture do you need?

I get it. A 100% picture would be nice. I suspect you have somewhere around 98% completeness. Lawyers are pretty good at their job. H will likely hide something, which probably in the end will amount to not much more than change in his pocket. Small price to pay for a speedy and not dragged out resolution.

Living with some ambiguity is one of those growing experiences I was referring to earlier. I also like (liked ? Well, getting there. Lol) to know all the facts so I get where you’re coming from.

Originally Posted by Elbereth
I realize that I can enter this mediation and not settle. But if it appears that my H, from the information we have which is actually pretty limited, is offering a very fair settlement, and I don’t take it on this first mediation, do I risk turning this into some nightmare fight because I’m emotionally not capable of processing all of this in my current state? Will my emotional weakness right now make things worse for me? Financially and emotionally?

True, you do not have to sign anything that day. You can postpone.

“do I risk turning this into some nightmare fight because I’m emotionally not capable of processing all of this in my current state?” Keep emotions out of it. Stick to business. Emotions will make this worse for you. Hence why you have a lawyer.

Originally Posted by Elbereth
I messaged my IC and told her that I really need someone to be there with me to be the brain like you have when you bring someone else to the doctor when you have a bad diagnosis…because there is no way for you to process what you are being told. But I won’t have anyone. It’s just me. And my lawyer.

You have someone. Your L. They are there for you and your interests. And they have legal expertise.

Originally Posted by Elbereth
And I also think that even though I know in my mind that I don’t want my H back and the marriage was not worth saving, I can’t help but feel emotional at the finality of it all. I recognize that I still love him, but I also recognize that the person I still love is probably not even real. Maybe I’m in love with the memory or the person I thought he was, but it feels so raw right now. It hurts so much.

Remember, this is two paths. The business side and the emotional side. The emotional side is bleeding into the business dealings.

Let’s you and I set aside the mediation for a bit and walk the emotional path.

Yes, there is an emotional finality to all of this. The loss, the grief, your loss, your grief, is nearing acceptance. Depression is a needed landscape to get through. Just as much as denial, anger, and bargaining.

At this point you realize - emotional realize as intellectually you realized long ago - you realize things are lost. Bargaining has run its course. You tried / bargained various emotional things in an attempt to somehow remain how it was. And now, the finality sets in. And of course depression occurs.

Like all the other stages of your path, this will pass. Each being temporary. Each a step towards acceptance.

An interesting note, acceptance doesn’t have that finality feeling about it. One accepts and embraces their life and future. And in doing so, let’s go their loss and the pain surrounding it. It’s a journey and doesn’t happen suddenly. Rather a slow change grows within and one day you just realize where you are and how far you’ve come.

It’s ok to love H. Or the man he was. I still love J. Or the gal she used to be I suppose. Don’t sweat it. That’s a noble trait, IMHO. Loyalty and faithfulness. Keep you heart soft and squishy. You will live and love again.

Originally Posted by Elbereth
I’ve not been able to cry much in a long while, but right now I’m struggling not to hold back my emotions. I’m balling. I want to embrace that this time has come and that getting all of this finalized will be good for me to move forward. But at the same time I am stuck dwelling on his lies and if I should have ended up with more money and if that really even matters if I end up with ‘enough’. I logically realize that regardless of the actual dollars, I’ve been dealt a bad deal. I wish I had never met him.

Take some time to cry. It’s ok. Let the cleansing tears flow.

Yes getting this complete will be good for you. And yes, you were dealt a bad deal. If I may, turn that on its head. Do not wish you’d never met him. For this is the crucible from which the best version of you is to emerge.

A bad deal, a bad hand, can be played and can still win. We discover the game, our life, is far more vast than this current fleeting moment. And there are many many more hands to be dealt - unless we leave the table.

For what it’s worth, this bad hand, someday you will regard it as a golden opportunity. Personally, I believe you already do see that; just understandably struggling a bit is all.

Originally Posted by Elbereth
And I’m petrified I will not be able to handle this. And I feel awful, because I am so alone. I have no one I can call on to help me with this. I am feeling so alone…and I am so frustrated that I’ve become so isolated and how I’ve ended up here.

Dear El, you will handle this. I empathize with the pain you are in, and the loneliness you feel. (((Hugs)))

You are a strong gal. You’ve got a sharp mind and a good heart. And you will be great! Honest.

D


Feelings are fleeting.
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Love the person, forgive the sin.
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Thank you DnJ and BL42. Your messages help me to feel supported and I appreciate that so much. Especially right now during this emotional and stressful time in my life. I am anxious for closure. My emotions are all over the place. I’m doing my best to take time for self care…did some long walks and time with my supportive best friend…and I’ve not put any energy into my move, so that I am not drained any more than I am already.

Yesterday was a very difficult day that added even more stress and anxiety. I was on the phone with my mom for my usual weekend call. Her way of showing sympathy and support is constantly saying things like "I know this is hard but someday you will meet a great guy and he will have a good family and you will be happy again…etc, etc." I've gently told her, even with jokes, that I don't want or need some guy to come save me and that I am trying to find happiness in myself and in my own life first. And that when she speaks of my future, it’s always in reference to some guy instead of all the other things available to me. Yet, she keeps bringing up the "you never know what the future brings and some guy" so today, very calmly, I told her that "mom, I know you love me and are trying to be supportive and want me to be happy, but I get very frustrated when you keep bringing up some guy, like that is what I need or have to have to be happy". Well all hell broke loose. She got all defensive and crying and saying things like "I am not telling you to find a guy, I'm just suggesting that there are other possibilities…etc, etc." and I pointed out that several times now I've said I don't want to keep being told about some guy and you keep doing it and I'm trying to tell you that this isn't helpful for me. It gets me frustrated. I said yes, I hear you that there are possibilities, but you only bring up the guy possibility. She was like fine, “I will never say how I feel again, and we can't just talk, and every time I get off the phone with you I cry, and you just get defensive with everything I am saying and you take everything the wrong way, and, and and”….and “I’m just bringing up possibilities, that is all I am saying, you never know what the future brings”. It got nowhere and she was crying and kept interrupting me every time I tried to talk (I remained calm but her interrupting me had me raising my voice) and it ended with her hanging up on me.

Logically I'm starting to recognize that her own misery in her marriages and life are part of where her head is at. I’ve been the dumping ground for her emotions for most of my life. And I am only realizing now how harmful this has been to my psyche (she feels better I and I feel drained and lousy). But I also realize and know that she loves me deeply and feels guilt or scared or other such feelings in not being able to help me in the ways she'd want to. I'm trying to have boundaries. But every time I bring up how something makes me feel I am told that I'm the one that shouldn't be feeling the way I do. I just find myself not wanting any support from my family because they demand explanations and it just leaves me feeling terrible. Is it even possible to have a loving relationship with family members that will not respect any boundaries I try to put up? I need help in this area obviously, and I sent several messages to my IC yesterday. We will be doing some work on this next week. I have come to realize that in my internal work that I have put other peoples needs, feelings and expectations above my own. I am tired of being told how I should be feeling or having to defend myself when I try to stand up for myself. I am working hard on my boundaries and expressing my needs. I realize that this is new for me and I am still learning the art of doing it in a loving way, but I am trying. And how can you have an adult conversation about it if the other person won’t engage that way? Do any of the ladies out here struggle in this way with their mothers? How have you managed to establish boundaries while maintaining a relationship with your mothers? Mother and daughter relationships are so complicated.

So here I am today, feeling nervous, anxious and all the feelings about my divorce and mediation next week, and now I feel guilt, shame, and other awful feelings because I know my mom is feeling awful. I know they say that other peoples feelings are not our responsibility, but that is hard to let go of when you have been doing it for so long.

El


Me 52, H 56
T10 M7, 2nd MR for both
2 Step Sons (19 and 21)
BD: Fall 2020
D finalized: July 2022
XH Married AP soon after D day.



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Hello El

Sorry Mom is stirring up such emotions within you. It does appear her ability to be emotionally supportive is rather limited. It’s ok, lots of folks haven’t had opportunity or guidance on how to increase their emotional quotient. And I agree with you, her own misery does hamper things.

Originally Posted by Elbereth
I'm trying to have boundaries. But every time I bring up how something makes me feel I am told that I'm the one that shouldn't be feeling the way I do. I just find myself not wanting any support from my family because they demand explanations and it just leaves me feeling terrible. Is it even possible to have a loving relationship with family members that will not respect any boundaries I try to put up?

I think it’s more invalidation and non listening to your feelings that is occurring than defiance of boundaries.

Boundaries. Let’s discuss.

Boundaries are for you. They are to protect you from unwanted harmful events or words that will damage you emotionally. Physical harm also has boundaries, and restraining orders, and so on; I’m not suggesting any physical abuse, just illustrating the breadth of boundaries is all.

Anyhow, boundaries are (usually) clearly stated, and then need to be adhered too. They are not a tool to directly modify someone else’s behaviour. They are a predetermined manner for you to exit unwanted harmful situations before you get all anxious and stressed and such.

To have good boundaries, stop trying to have boundaries, and have boundaries. Do, or do not, there is no try. smile

It boils down to your control. You only control your thoughts, actions, and reactions. You cannot and do not control your family’s words or actions. So what to do?

Originally Posted by Elbereth
how can you have an adult conversation about it if the other person won’t engage that way?

If the other person will not validate nor acknowledge your feelings - stop confiding and bringing up your feelings with them. I get it, you want to be able to reach out, however if they won’t empathize or validate, there is little support and you end up frustrated and hurt.

If someone attacks your emotional state, says you should feel something else, etc, when you didn’t even bring it up - employ a boundary. State the action or words that are harmful, how said action or words hurts, and what you will do when it occurs. For example:

Mom, when you tell me how someday I’ll meet a great guy and I’ll be happy again, it makes me feel sad and stressed. It really hurts to be told my happiness is tied to meeting a new guy. I can be happy on my own. Therefore, when you bring up me meeting a new guy I will end our phone call. I love you Mom, but I need to do this for my own health.

That is a bit more wordy than usual. However, it is your Mom, and I’m attempting a softer sell. I suspect you can see it has more explaining and reasoning than it might if it was for someone else.

Hopefully the example/suggestion helps. Feel free to modify, shorten, or discard as you see fit.

D


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Love the person, forgive the sin.
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Thanks DnJ. Your suggestions are right on target…and, I have been reading up on boundaries and I feel I still have a lot to learn, but I am moving in the right direction in trying to do them correctly. Or trying to set them in the first place.

Originally Posted by DnJ
Mom, when you tell me how someday I’ll meet a great guy and I’ll be happy again, it makes me feel sad and stressed. It really hurts to be told my happiness is tied to meeting a new guy. I can be happy on my own. Therefore, when you bring up me meeting a new guy I will end our phone call. I love you Mom, but I need to do this for my own health.

Actually, I feel like this is pretty close to what I expressed to my mom that had her blow her top. When I had brought it up previously, I just mentioned the “I don’t need a guy to be happy” and what my goals were. I did not try to establish the boundary but tried to send the message that I felt differently about it. This happened more than once in different ways without the boundary statement. Then when this episode happened, the only part I did not say is that I need to do this for my health. I’ve expressed a similar language boundary around the conversations she wants to have about how awful her marriage is, complainants about my dad, and other complaining. I’ve expressed how her unhappiness hurts me and I feel I cannot hold her unhappiness with my own right now. That I need to be supported and uplifted and encouraged. This one had a similar emotional response. She has tried to be more careful, but her misery is her life. She is consumed with it and feels trapped like she can’t divorce now and she’s too old etc. I understand that her response is probably due to her own feelings…and that what I’ve asked for is not unreasonable.

My brother is out of town right now, and I’m guessing she would have pulled him in on this episode like she did when I asked her to have more positive conversations with me. When I spoke to my brother the last time he insisted that I was harsh (which I told him I was very careful not to be) and he also was like “why can’t you just listen to her…she needs to complain and have this outlet. Or just change the subject, or (insert here more of what works for him)”. So, I feel invalidated by my mother and I feel invalidated and unsupported by my brother.

I know that some of what bothers me about my mother is the helplessness I feel in helping her. I’ve tried, believe me. But she doesn’t want to be helped. She just wants to be the victim. I mean, these issues she complains about have been going on for over 30 years. I am trying to grow. I’m trying to stop putting others feelings and needs above my own. I feel depleted by these relationships instead of lifted. Maybe the issues are with how I see things and I have things to work on. I can accept that. However, I want to feel like it is okay to have the feelings I do, regardless of whether someone else thinks they are valid or not. I want to support my mom, but I can’t heal her wounds or continue to be her dumping ground, or continue to have her past disappointments be the center of our relationship. It also doesn’t help that she lives far away and her only connection to me is by phone. And she lives a very isolated life in an isolated location.

I find myself defending or repeating myself in a different way when I provide a boundary. I guess I just keep hoping that I can explain it in a way that is more gentle or more loving or more. I think I am realizing that in doing that, I am again taking on their feelings at the cost of myself again. I am proud of myself for trying to open the conversation as I realize it is a way to also build more closeness, but I can’t control how they will choose to act or respond. And by defending or repeating myself, I’m taking on their feelings again. After mulling over this for a few days, that is where I think my area of growth also needs to be. I have seen in myself how I am always the one trying to do more to be seen or validated. This is stuff to be worked out with my IC.


Me 52, H 56
T10 M7, 2nd MR for both
2 Step Sons (19 and 21)
BD: Fall 2020
D finalized: July 2022
XH Married AP soon after D day.



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Today the universe sent me a message. It was of hope and support. How strange it is to have an encounter with someone who went through what you have, and provides a moment of kindness and support. Of course, I get that support in lots of ways on this site. I don’t want to imply that I don’t. But there is something about meeting a random person, in physical person, have it be a short visit, but so serendipitously fitting and aligned.

Tonight I met a man who used to live in my hood and just happened to be visiting the neighborhood from out of state. We strike up a conversation between tables and it comes out that we have both gone through what we have, mine being in the present and his being in the past. So many similarities, but yet, so many differences. One message being the same though, I will be okay, cuz ten years out he is okay. I don’t know, of course I see/hear that on this site a lot. But having someone that has experienced what I have look me in the eye and hug me on this day of difficulty (today was my mediation no less), it just felt like it was the universe offering me a very specific comfort. A comfort I needed desperately. Unfortunately, he already has a girlfriend…haha. All kidding aside, he was a good man, I could tell, and said he’d be hitting on me if he didn’t already have a girlfriend. It was a bit of boost that I needed to hear, especially now, when I’m not actually ready to date, but still need to know that I am still physically desirable. Cuz, hell, I’ve gone through menopause and my STBXH doesn’t think I’m young enough.

Yes, today was my mediation. What an experience. Eitherway, I lost. I lost because I did not build my retirement for myself and I did not protect my side of my finances…at least in the ways that matter for ‘court’. So, it’s not fair, and never will be. I definitely ended up with a deficit. But, with what we could divide in the session, I did pretty okay. So at least I am not destitute and I got something to move forward with. But honestly, if our home hadn’t sold for what it did, I’d be in very bad shape…

I was proud of myself for remaining calm and not emotional. It was interesting that at first I thought the mediator thought I was trying to be manipulative (based on a few things that had occurred out of my control at this point). But as time went on it was interesting when he asked “Does your STBXH have anger issues” and I was like “funny you should ask, and yes…”… So I think the mediator was not impressed by my STBXH. Of course there was hiding of assets, providing discovery on the day of mediation and other games from his side. So on top of realizing he has no integrity by what he’s done with his affair thus far I can also add to his chart that he did the same with the divorce process. I’m happy for it to be over and I regret ever trusting him. Even his own lawyer sees what an awful person he is/has become.

My friend and I chatted with our waitress, who we see often…we are regulars, and she is getting married in the summer. I stressed to her how she needs to be sure to protect herself financially and never trust a man to take care of you. If I had saved to my retirement or built a savings, I may have received 50% of it. But since I put the money towards him and our family, I lost 100% of that money. It’s just gone. The whole divorce process is unfair to women. It’s blaring to me. It’s awful. And it doesn’t account for powerful men using women, and using women that make less then them and contribute more than their share (financially or otherwise). I wish I had been taught better, I wish I had learned from my first marriage. We all want to believe that there will be a happily ever after but in reality, we have to create our own financial future and fiercely protect it to have it. If we depend on others you get screwed. It’s so obvious to me and it’s so awful. I feel like today at least I let it go and was able to focus my energy on trying to get as much as I could from what we could divide and the division was fair. And my STBXH was angry and I can’t help but to be happy about that.

On to filing the final papers and getting this step done. One step at a time to create the life I deserve…

El


Me 52, H 56
T10 M7, 2nd MR for both
2 Step Sons (19 and 21)
BD: Fall 2020
D finalized: July 2022
XH Married AP soon after D day.



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