Create the life...

[Elbereth]

Thank you DejaVu6 and DnJ for the words of sympathy and encouragement. It helps to know that my experience is not unique, and it’s as you said, another great reason why this forum is so helpful for us going through these experiences. I do wish society was better in handling grief in all it’s forms.

So an interesting and exciting thing happened the other day. I like to think it was a gift from my best friend who passed away almost 20 years ago. The reason I think that is that the opportunity arrived on the anniversary of her passing. And it was because of someone else’s passing. Anyway, a dream international trip opportunity came my way. We are talking epic…one of those trips you don’t think you would ever have the opportunity to go on. It’s with a group that will also have others that I know (some well and some not so well). One of the single travelers passed away, so I was invited to share her spot on the tour, and to share the occupancy with her friend and travel mate. I went on a trip with this group over 10 years ago (its a ‘family and friends’ travel group), but I had dropped off the priority list after passing up many other trips since then (mostly due to my STBXH). So, I feel really blessed to have the opportunity to be included again and for something I can look forward to and be excited about. If all goes well and covid doesn’t interfere with travel, the trip will be in the fall.

I’m not trying to say I don’t have anything else to look forward too. I do…it’s just that with so much of my life in transition, it is hard to have anything concrete to be excited about. I am in limbo and most of my decisions are also in limbo. I am excited about the possibilities of my future, I just can’t see the details yet to actually be excited enough about it. I know the trip could get postponed, but unless the world stops, the trip will happen at some point…so it’s pretty solid. And the cost of this trip is less than what I would pay with another travel group…so that is also a bonus.

My STBXH was almost coming to town this week and I was not looking forward to it. I’ve not seen him since last fall and I’ve barely spoken to him outside of limited texts. So it was making me a bit anxious. It’s so hard when you know you still feel the feelings of deep love you had fora person but cannot reconcile it the person you see now. I know DnJ you will think I am probably rewriting the history of who he was, but the longer I am away from the relationship, the more I see that there were many signs along the way…I just made excuses and/or tolerated many of them. Unfortunately I fell in love with the man I met and dated, not the one who settled in and showed his true colors after a few years. Knowing that I fell in love with a mirage is hard to admit (even when I know I’m not alone in this). It certainly has me worried about trusting my judgement when I do start dating again. But there is time to work on that.

I have a question for you all. How do you handle friends and family that keep telling you things about the AP? As whack as my STBXH’s OW is, my friends and family still watch her social accounts and then when I see them, they keep bringing up posts/details/comments they find funny or outrageous. I’ve stressed I don’t want to know what is happening with her and reiterate I’ve stopped following or looking for my own health and wellbeing. I tell them I prefer to not know and focus on myself, but they are so entertained they can’t help but bring her and her weird posts up. The posts never include my STBXH directly (she is living the lie of a spiritual counselor/pastor and well…an affair with a married man doesn’t fit that image). In fact, I don’t think he is even aware of what stuff she posts online. But, then again, it shouldn’t matter. But how do you get family to stop bringing it up? It’s goes again with my feeling I get the emotional support in the way I need. I mean I say I really don’t want to know or hear about it. But they keep bringing up her whack activities regardless, sometimes in front of mutual friends where I feel less like I can be forceful in my response in front of them.

El

[kml]

It's okay to be REALLY blunt about this. Every time one of them starts up, just say "It's really disrespectful that you keep bringing her up when I've told you I don't want to hear about her" and leave the room or the house or the venue. They'll get the message after a few times.

[97Hope]

I have a question for you all. How do you handle friends and family that keep telling you things about the AP? As whack as my STBXH’s OW is, my friends and family still watch her social accounts and then when I see them, they keep bringing up posts/details/comments they find funny or outrageous. I’ve stressed I don’t want to know what is happening with her and reiterate I’ve stopped following or looking for my own health and wellbeing. I tell them I prefer to not know and focus on myself, but they are so entertained they can’t help but bring her and her weird posts up. The posts never include my STBXH directly (she is living the lie of a spiritual counselor/pastor and well…an affair with a married man doesn’t fit that image). In fact, I don’t think he is even aware of what stuff she posts online. But, then again, it shouldn’t matter. But how do you get family to stop bringing it up? It’s goes again with my feeling I get the emotional support in the way I need. I mean I say I really don’t want to know or hear about it. But they keep bringing up her whack activities regardless, sometimes in front of mutual friends where I feel less like I can be forceful in my response in front of them.

El

Hey Elbereth,

I'm so happy to hear about your upcoming trip! How exciting!!

I had this issue with my kids and mutual friends. I addressed it as it happened, gently "I'm still in the healing process and hearing about his life/OW/etc isn't helpful to my healing. Let's talk about us/the weather/the cost of cheese whiz" You get the idea. That worked for me. Some people still felt like I needed to know info on him/her whatever.

The best advice I have is to be honest.

The hope I can share is that it gets better. My youngest, S20, was talking about XH today and it didn't phase me one bit. It took time and healing for me to get here, but I can hear anything and don't feel anything.

I tried to remember that those 'friends' that shared things were basically saying "look what you avoided" or "look how much better off you are" or sometimes I felt like they were finally seeing what I had for so long. The mask slipped, he wasn't the persona he pretended to be. Good family man, man of God, his image was everything to him.

It will get better, but your healing is your responsibility and when you are hurt by words, you have every right to do what you need to do to protect your heart and mind.

big hugs xoxo

[DnJ]

Hello El

You have asked for folks to stop telling you of OW’s behaviours and such. That was correct. However, it sounds like it’s time to take it up a notch.

I’d not wait for the next incident to occur and then be forceful. No, be forceful now. Before the next time.

The best time to outline your wishes or boundaries is when those boundaries are not being attacked. When all involved are calm, clear, and logical. Clearly tell them what you want, and why you need it. And what you will do when they discard these wishes. The why, your mental and emotional health, is a valid and ample reason enough for folks to adhere to such a request.

Still, some will test the boundary. When it happens, tell them directly, and then leave. Hold them accountable, if they persist, they will be seeing far less of you methinks.

It’s so hard when you know you still feel the feelings of deep love you had for a person but cannot reconcile it the person you see now. I know DnJ you will think I am probably rewriting the history of who he was.

Not at all. I think you are a strong and wise gal who knows her situation best.

Knowing that I fell in love with a mirage is hard to admit

We all fall in love with the person we think they are. Our mind is what creates our reality, so it’s how we see them, how we define them, that’s the person/construct we love.

You have deep loving feelings for the guy he was, not who he became. The man you met and dated still lives in your memory and you still love him. I still love my W, who hasn’t been seen in quite a while. My memory of her is really all that’s left.

It certainly has me worried about trusting my judgement when I do start dating again.

Do not hold yourself accountable for someone changing. You trusted your judgement based upon who they were at the time. You could not know they would have such a significant altering of themselves.

And you are wiser now. Signs and red flags will not be as easily ignored or explained away.

D

[DejaVu6]

So happy for you that you have a trip to look forward to Elbereth. I always try to have something like that to look forward to. It does help get through some of the less enjoyable days.

I can totally relate to what you said about friends and family talking about OW and/or STXH. My family doesn’t say anything to me but others have. People who had knowledge of his activities when we were together feel like it is okay now to tell me what they knew or at least suspected. XMIL also likes to talk about them. Not too often but every once in awhile. Last summer when I dropped the dog off to her, she actually started telling me about his wedding. It didn’t really bother me in the way one might think but I do recall thinking, “Why are you telling me this? What makes you think I would want to hear about it?” But…I didn’t say anything because she is my kids’ grandmother and I want to maintain a good relationship with her. Still…I was pretty surprised she wouldn’t have figured that out for herself…that maybe the ex wife wouldn’t want to hear about his wedding to the person he cheated on her with. Or maybe she did but her need to tell me about it trumped my need to not hear about it.

I question my judgement sometimes as well. Given what we have been through, I think it would be unusual for us not to. At the end of the day though, I think that if someone is that good at hiding their true selves, that’s on them.

Anyway…I echo what D said. You are wiser now and you have learned from this. You’re doing really well. (((HUGS)))

[Elbereth]

Thanks all for the advice. I agree that I may need to step my boundary statements up a notch…as asking nicely and straightforwardly hasn’t been heard.

I tried to remember that those 'friends' that shared things were basically saying "look what you avoided" or "look how much better off you are" or sometimes I felt like they were finally seeing what I had for so long. The mask slipped, he wasn't the persona he pretended to be. Good family man, man of God, his image was everything to him.

I know this is a big part of why they continue to think it’s okay. She is pretty whack and he must be pretty damaged to want to be with someone like her. And it also reminds me that I am better off without him, but it still isn’t something I want to be a part of my everyday thoughts. Sometimes I feel like people just want the scoop and otherwise I don’t hear from them. It’s so frustrating. I’ll let you all know how it goes and if I am able to enforce the boundary better after this next round of stating it.

I saw him today for the first time in a couple of months. He stopped by to pick up some of his items that I had over where I am staying that he wasn’t able to take when we moved from the house. He was friendly enough and polite. In and out. Probably because she is floating around somewhere, like maybe he dropped her off up the street or something. He tried a little small talk, but nothing of importance. He did not come into the house. A part of me is glad the visit was so short and uneventful. But a part of me dies feeling like I can’t see in him any remorse or signs of regret for what he’s done to me. I know that doesn’t mean he isn’t feeling those things. He looked better than he did the last time I saw him. I do too…and made sure I was put together today. I may not want him back, but I certainly want him to see what he lost!

Do not hold yourself accountable for someone changing. You trusted your judgement based upon who they were at the time. You could not know they would have such a significant altering of themselves.

And you are wiser now. Signs and red flags will not be as easily ignored or explained away.

I am trying to embrace that. Right now, even though I am curious about dating and I am missing human touch and intimacy, I start to feel very anxious about the idea of trusting someone again. I hope it changes over time. I definitely think I need to deal with some of these feelings with some IC. One day at a time…

El

[Elbereth]

Hello friends,

Just a quick update. I’ve been feeling pretty lost and down lately, even with the great news about my upcoming dream trip. I have been feeling overwhelmed with all the things going on in my life. The stress of it all. I’m just so over it and it doesn’t seem to end.

I’ve started the process with a financial consultant, so hopefully that will help me with the divorce as well as getting me some clarity on my future. The D is not moving and I’m getting really frustrated with my L. I may need to find another one. But for now, let me get my goals in place and then see what happens.

H has been quiet lately, so that is good. But then again, maybe he knows we are doing discovery on his lying @ss, so he’s mad. Who knows. Work still [censored] and is getting worse by the day. I may not have a job in a couple of weeks. And I found out my other main client is also going through something so I may not have any clients soon…at least I am signing on an apartment tomorrow, before all hell breaks loose with my income. The apartment is one of those lucky things…so that is a positive. It’s not perfect, but a great price, a very nice landlord who I happen to know and a great location not far from where i am now. I will also be able to move out of here while I’m moving into there so that will give me time and space to sells some things and get it all figured out.

I’m just so ready to be past all the hard stuff. To feel like things are more in my control and I am living my life for me. Right now, still so much feels out of control and in transition.

Anyway, that’s the quick update. Thank you friends for being here. Thanks for listening. Thanks for the support.

El

[Elbereth]

I’m still feeling kind of down. And I may have Covid. I felt really stressed on Saturday, then Sunday I felt really shut down and tired. By Monday I had a sore throat, I was pretty stuffy, and my temperature was up (but still below a fever). Luckily I work from home, so I’m able to isolate. I did go out for a PCR test today as my rapid test showed negative.

I’m in this weird place where I know I don’t want my H back, where I realize that he was extremely selfish throughout our MR, and that I really was doing most of the work on our relationship. So I know I am better off without him, and that the future is what I make of it. I just think I’m so tired of all the stress between the fall of the MR, handling selling my house, and moving into a temporary apartment, that I’m just tired. So tired of having to make decisions. But I also realize that I am not alone in all of this. All of us that have gone through what we have have moments of being tired. The pandemic and all the uncertainty in the world has us tired. Yet, knowing this, I still find it hard just to move forward.

I am trying to embrace the moments and give myself care. I just wish I could jump forward past all of this and be in my new life already.

El

[Eagle3]

Dear El,

2 steps forward, 1 step backward,
1 step forward, 2 steps backward,
This is what you experience.

But the most important thing is that you are moving El!

I only wanted to let you know that I think about you and hope things will progress in the right direction in the coming months because you deserve it.

Big hugs xxx

[DejaVu6]

You're doing well El. Don't beat yourself up for not being "there" yet. IT's a process and as Eagle said, the most important thing is that you are moving through it. Brighter days are ahead my friend. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other and when you do look behind you, make sure you continue to see things (and your H) as they were and not how you would have liked them to be. (((HUGS)))