Still Goin' Solo

[Maika]

Old Thread
https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2846465#Post2846465

[Maika]

So, this is more of a journal entry / vent session. I'm just putting my thoughts out here because I feel triggered today and instead of doing something, I thought I'd journal here and get some perspectives.

Not gonna do much of a background - BD in 2017; exW new OM in 2018; exW R implodes in 2020; D finalized in 2020.

Before COVID hit, I spent June 2019-March 2020 really working on myself. I got my diet in gear (I have a chronic health condition due to crappy genes); I was in the gym five days a week; I was climbing; and my emotional and mental health were better than ever. Then the pandemic hit and it all went downhill - I basically lost all my physical, mental and emotional gains, and I feel like I became very brittle in all areas. I started smoking again and drinking more than usual. Aside from the pandemic, when exW's R imploded with lilmanboy, it was devastating for my kids due to what happened and we're finally getting to a place where it's stable.

I am giving that short background because I wanna talk about something. I feel like if this had happened when I was solid, I wouldn't have been affected. Here it goes.

I've suspected for a while that exW has gotten into a new R - probably from around May this year. Which would make it 5 months after her previous R ended - lilmanboy had proposed to her and she had said yes to marriage. And she was in love with this idiot, or that's what she said to me.

I don't want to go into too many details, but a few days back something happened which made me feel like I was pretty right in my suspicion that she's in a new R. And today, she had dinner with the new dude and the kids at her place. I haven't been put in the loop about that - introducing someone new to the kids without giving the other person the heads up about it. My kids text me good night and they mentioned that he was there. I only know this dude by name.

I am feeling emotionally and mentally weak because of it. I don't know why, but I feel like all the detachment and emotional fortitude I had built up just evaporated. I felt kinda like BD all over again, in a smaller way. I guess after her previous R ended, maybe some part of me wished that she would now pick me instead and we could try and build what was destroyed. I am so angry at myself for feeling this because I know intellectually that is horse$hit. I even keep a list of things on my phone to look at whenever I start thinking about maybe being a place to piece with her. I'll write it out here:

1. she created conditions for another man to think he could kiss her; which he did and she enabled the EA (while we were married; but after BD)
2. Lying about her whereabouts during marriage
3. hasn't done any real emotional work
4. moved in with lilmanboy within three months
5. lived in a fantasy land with lilmanboy and wanted some fairytale ending
6. didn't set proper boundaries between lilmanboy and children
7. the $hit that went down that led to serious issues with D and S
8. tried to blame me for what happened that ended her previous R
9. unable to spend time alone
10. unable to be accountable and has paranoia and huge anxiety issues
11. get a new R rather than spend time alone to figure out her $hit
12. plays nice when she wants something (she's been doing this for the last few months)
13. manipulative and disingenous (i don't buy her new act)
14. thinks she has to 'handle' people
15. started dating again after previous R with lilmanboy ended
16. still acting selfishly and justifying her behavior as 'good' for the kids

I read this list to remind me what she has done so that I can keep a sober perspective about her.

When I think about this new R logically, it's a HUGE RED FLAG

1. Who decides to date after 5 months of ending a R where she was going to get married?
2. What kind of person dates someone who has just gotten out of a serious R? - this new dude
3. How is this not a minefield of red flags?

When I think about all of this, I know that even if I had the option of piecing with her, it would be a ridiculous idea. But I am still feeling like garbage right now - emotions don't listen to rational thoughts.

I know what I have to do - get my life in order. I am just in a bad place because nothing in my life is truly working right now

1. I am in a crappy job where I am overworked and seriously underpaid for what I do (been trying to get a new one for the last year and no dice, but I am still sending out applications)
2. My place is not nice, but I can't afford anything better right now due to my finances
3. My health has been in the gutter during the pandemic which could lead to serious issues if I don't get things in order
4. My abysmal mental and emotional health has created a negative feedback loop which enables smoking and drinking.

I feel like on every front, I am doing very poorly.

But some things are good: my R with the kids is super solid; I just started going back to the gym; and I am slowly getting my diet back on track

I know what I have to do - getting GAL back as now things are opening; writing and pursuing my creative interests; quitting smoking and taking a break from drinking; and getting back my meditation practice.

Intellectually I know all of this, but my heart is hurting. I tried to justify my trigger to - how dare she bring someone into the kids lives without telling me? but I know that is just me trying to exercise control, and I know that I have none when it comes to this. I think the trigger is because I slid back into the 'pick me dance' and wanted her to see me for what she had thrown away.

I know this is getting super long but I just wanted to write it out so at least it's out of my system. I have work to do, like Sisyphus, gotta push that stone to the top of the mountain again. I thought I got there pre-Covid, but now it's all over again.

If anyone has thoughts, it's appreciated. I thought I'd come and write this instead of sending her a text about why she didn't let me know she was introducing someone to the kids.

Thanks for reading!

[Maika]

I'm not going to text her about this tonight. Gonna sleep on it and see what anyone has to say about if I should do anything at all.

[Sage4]

Hi Maika,

I am sorry you are going through all of this right now. It's a lot, and just proves that no matter how far along we are in our situations, feelings still come up from time to time and the trauma of BD is real. But as we have been told by wise ones on this board, feelings are fleeting and my guess is you won't feel this way in a day, week or month. You are wise to sleep on these thoughts right now.

I could give you some 2x4's about getting your GAL game back on and taking charge of your mental and physical health, but there are others on this forum that will do so I want to focus on what you are experiencing with exW.

You doing great with the kids is a priority, so great job on that.

1. she created conditions for another man to think he could kiss her; which he did and she enabled the EA (while we were married; but after BD)
2. Lying about her whereabouts during marriage
3. hasn't done any real emotional work
4. moved in with lilmanboy within three months
5. lived in a fantasy land with lilmanboy and wanted some fairytale ending
6. didn't set proper boundaries between lilmanboy and children
7. the $hit that went down that led to serious issues with D and S
8. tried to blame me for what happened that ended her previous R
9. unable to spend time alone
10. unable to be accountable and has paranoia and huge anxiety issues
11. get a new R rather than spend time alone to figure out her $hit
12. plays nice when she wants something (she's been doing this for the last few months)
13. manipulative and disingenous (i don't buy her new act)
14. thinks she has to 'handle' people
15. started dating again after previous R with lilmanboy ended
16. still acting selfishly and justifying her behavior as 'good' for the kids

I like your list. Mine is really similar to yours. Even one or two of those items is enough to not consider your exW relationship material. And I believe that rationally you know this. But at the same time, there was a small part of you that imagined her coming back after ending it with lilmanboy. Why? Was it so you could turn her down spectacularly and finally get a chance to tell her what you really think of her? Or, are you still truly in love with her despite all the things she has done?

I ask this because if it's the former, then you are giving her too much power over you, power she doesn't even seem to be asking for, and certainly does not deserve. Is she a proxy for all the suffering you are experiencing right now in the rest of your life; things that appear to be out of control (but really are not) such as job, health and mental headspace? Is it easier to use her as a handy hook for your challenges than to face them head on? And is it easier for you to spend the mental energy trying to control her and find all the red flags in her situation than to acknowledge yours in your own life?

And if it's the latter, and you are still in love with her deep down, that just takes time. And the more you stay out of her business, the better off you will be. Because you can't control who she loves or when she resumes dating or even who she introduces to the kids. It svcks. It's hard. But she is going to do her, serial dating and all and you can't do one GD thing about it except accept it. .

Regarding the kids and introducing someone new (you have no power over WHO she introduces, BTW), I am not sure what the standard operating orders are for something like this (my stbxH's OW lives far away for the time being and we don't have an official parenting plan yet), but if we look at a post-d relationship with kids as simply being a co-parenting R and nothing more, then it would be in the best interest of the kids for one parent to inform the other when introducing someone new. Because kids have questions and they are also really, really perceptive and will see on your face when they have told you something that you didn't know, no matter how straight-faced you will be. And kids don't like to know more than their parents, it disrupts the equilibrium and their sense of safety. Do you have something in your parenting plan that you can refer to here? And if not, due to the unfortunate events with lilmanboy, would it not make sense to add something if you can't agree.

The first step would be to talk to ex about how you can navigate this in the future. But you have to get yourself to a place of neutrality about it. The conversation can't happen if there is even a whiff of you trying to control her. Because you can't. And exW doesn't owe you any more information than 'I am seeing someone and I would like to introduce him to the kids over dinner this week. I am telling them he is just a friend for the time being. Just wanted to let you know in case they say something to you.'

I have work to do, like Sisyphus, gotta push that stone to the top of the mountain again. I thought I got there pre-Covid, but now it's all over again.

Great analogy. My guess is that this time won't last as long nor be as tough as the initial BD. Because surely Sisyphus gained some muscle over the years rolling that rock up the mountain so many times?

Hang in there Maika, your wisdom on this board is so helpful to others', I know you have it in you for your own situation.

Sage

[Maika]

I am sorry you are going through all of this right now. It's a lot, and just proves that no matter how far along we are in our situations, feelings still come up from time to time and the trauma of BD is real. But as we have been told by wise ones on this board, feelings are fleeting and my guess is you won't feel this way in a day, week or month. You are wise to sleep on these thoughts right now.

Thanks Sage! Yeh, the trauma takes time to get past and I thought I was over it and I realized that I am not in many ways.

But at the same time, there was a small part of you that imagined her coming back after ending it with lilmanboy. Why? Was it so you could turn her down spectacularly and finally get a chance to tell her what you really think of her? Or, are you still truly in love with her despite all the things she has done?

This is a great question and observation. I think part of me wanted her to ask me to piece with her and that I would turn her down - not spectacularly, but still have some vindication that she made a big mistake. However, I don't think that is it because it's more like a revenge fantasy that is ridiculous. I don't think I am still in love with her because when I look at her through sober eyes, she is not the right person for me to have a partnership with.

I think that my wanting her to pick me stems from a total lack of self-worth and self-value. This is a bit of a long story but I've had an auto-immune condition since I was a lil kid and that completely destroyed my self worth and self value over the years - if I say more it'll be easy to figure out my details. That coupled with other family and childhood trauma added fuel to the fire. I never imagined that a woman would ever be interested in me due to my auto-immune condition and that was the case for most of my life. It's a condition that I cannot hide. I had some gfs here and there, but it never felt real to me, that someone would actually want to be with me. So, when exW wanted to be with me and marry me, that felt like out of a dream to me. I never imagined that a woman would find value in me.

I am still stuck in that rut of not thinking that I am worth anything. I am not an unattractive dude. In the past few years I've started slowly developing my senses around a woman being interested in me - something that I had never cultivated growing up since I never thought it would be a possibility. I know that there are women who find me a catch and intellectually I know that I have great value and I know what I bring, but emotionally and mentally I am not there yet.

So, part of what's triggered me here is that I want exW to see that I still have value and I am worthy of her time and attention, just like she did when we got together. And I know it's foolish but I think that's what's been a problem. I don't love her. I love the idea of her wanting me and thinking of me as someone with value.

Do you have something in your parenting plan that you can refer to here? And if not, due to the unfortunate events with lilmanboy, would it not make sense to add something if you can't agree.

No we don't have something explicit in our agreement. We did verbally agree that we would give each other a heads up, but she didn't do that with lilmanboy and I figured after how things went down with him, she would have the sense to know better. I should've said something but the idea that she would go have a new R in a matter of months seemed incredulous considering how it went down. But, it's on me that I should've said something to remind her about it. Putting it into the agreement now seems like a petty and expensive thing to do. For me it just seems like common sense, but obviously for her it's not.

The first step would be to talk to ex about how you can navigate this in the future. But you have to get yourself to a place of neutrality about it. The conversation can't happen if there is even a whiff of you trying to control her. Because you can't. And exW doesn't owe you any more information than 'I am seeing someone and I would like to introduce him to the kids over dinner this week. I am telling them he is just a friend for the time being. Just wanted to let you know in case they say something to you.'

yeah I can't approach this in an accusatory manner. She owes me exactly what you wrote out basically, but she hasn't had the decency to do that. Considering how she's been more forthcoming and congenial about other things in the past few months, she should've mentioned it. But as I said earlier, her niceness is suspect and I've not bought into it, and now I know it's a sham. It's just a way for her to exercise control.

After I wrote that post, I was just stewing and that wasn't any good. One of the things that I am trying to do is have a 'bias towards action'. It's something I've heard from Rich Roll and other folks who have gotten past their challenges in life. I just went on a drive and put on a podcast interview with David Goggins and it lit a fire up my a$$. I know that I have to continue to do the work more earnestly and with discipline.

My absolute first priority is to get a new better paying job and then move out of this place to somewhere nicer. I am already taking care of my health since the last week and I know how to execute in that area.

This community has been a lifeline for me over the last few years and so I am always grateful that I can come here first before I do anything.

[Maika]

Is it easier to use her as a handy hook for your challenges than to face them head on? And is it easier for you to spend the mental energy trying to control her and find all the red flags in her situation than to acknowledge yours in your own life?

forgot to address this.

I have definitely spent more time dwelling on her in the last few months than I have previously. Part of it was based on her being a lot nicer to me and that kinda messed with my head even though I know that she's done that in the past because she wanted something from me. If I target the timeline, it started around when she started seeing this new dude.

I think part of me is pissed off that her life seems all dandy and nice and I am the one still struggling with my job, finances, etc. She's always made more money than me (never been an issue - her industry pays way more than mine), and she was able to buy a new house and I am still renting after BD. Now she's got a new dude on the hook and I am still trying to salvage my self-worth so that I can be a good partner to someone someday. From the outside, her life looks spectacular and my life is in shambles. I know that it is a skewed perspective because I don't know what her life is actually like, but it looks damn good from the outside.

I got pulled into her red flags because I guess I needed something to get pissed off about. You are right that I haven't focused on my own crap as much because it's easier to rage on about her than myself. I need to do better than that. I was doing better than that and I've just crumbled in the last year. Arghhh!!! I am just frustrated with myself.

[OnlyBent]

Hey M, sorry to hear that you think you've backslid a bit, I know how tough those times can feel, especially when you think you've moved through a stage only to be back there again, pretty disheartening.

Having you back regularly posting has been great, you are making a great contribution, I thank you for that.

I also respect how honest and self-reflective you are, and this situation particularly. Sage gave you some pretty good advice, all I want to say is when you read that list, why is she the prize? If you were to look at it objectively from an outsider's perspective, would you want to be with someone characterised by that list?

Re the getting back to the good place you were previously, the how to eat an elephant (one piece at a time) comes to mind. Small gains. But I've learnt more importantly is the consistency of those small efforts. A little piece....every day. Its amazing what can be accomplished when you consistently attack something every day for a year.

[bttrfly]

M seems like you are judging your insides by her outsides... apples and oranges ... I get it, I really do, because I've been there and could be there again in a heartbeat.

Why not focus on one small thing you'd like to do or change in yourself and work on that every time you get distracted by Exw's shenanigans?

Good to have you posting more.

[Maika]

Hey M, sorry to hear that you think you've backslid a bit, I know how tough those times can feel, especially when you think you've moved through a stage only to be back there again, pretty disheartening.

Thanks OB! I was surprised by how much I was triggered by this. the good thing about backsliding is you know how to get back up because you've been on the road, so I'm feeling pretty positive about it. The harder journey was after BD when everything was blurry and maddening.

I also respect how honest and self-reflective you are, and this situation particularly.

Yeah there's no real point if I can't be as honest and open about things. I've been dealt a crappy hand from the start and I am trying to play with what I've got until I can improve what I've got.

Re the getting back to the good place you were previously, the how to eat an elephant (one piece at a time) comes to mind. Small gains. But I've learnt more importantly is the consistency of those small efforts. A little piece....every day. Its amazing what can be accomplished when you consistently attack something every day for a year.

Why not focus on one small thing you'd like to do or change in yourself and work on that every time you get distracted by Exw's shenanigans?

you're both absolutely right. you got to pick something and start there. I can't just pick one thing and then move on to the next mostly. I gotta tackle the job situation and my health at the same time, and I can do that. The health is easier because it is fully in my control (as much as one can have full control over their health). But the job front has been depressing all year - sent out so many applications and nothing really. I'm just down about that because I don't think I can do my current job for too long before I snap. I need to put my full energy into that and the kids. Everything else is secondary at this point.

M seems like you are judging your insides by her outsides... apples and oranges ... I get it, I really do, because I've been there and could be there again in a heartbeat.

i know what you mean and intellectually i know, but emotionally it's not sitting right. i know that I have more healing to do.

I kinda feel split open and raw from sharing my sitch. I re-read it and it made me feel like such a weakling - I know that's dumb and macho man BS. I felt like I threw like the biggest pity party and invited all my insecurities and gave them VIP seats to me wallowing in nonsense. I'm not minimizing my feelings, but I didn't think I would be here after all this time. I just got more work to do.

[BL42]

Maika,

"Why do we fall? So we can learn to pick ourselves up."

Sorry you've regressed a bit physically, mentally, and emotionally. Keep in mind you got through initial BD and D and had those aspects of your life strong. It's understandable to have a bit of a backslide, you can and WILL do it again...and it will be easier this time already having gone through it once. You're already crushing it with the kids and starting back on the gym. Remember back to how you built yourself up and do that again. You'll get there one step at a time.

But as we have been told by wise ones on this board, feelings are fleeting and my guess is you won't feel this way in a day, week or month.

Sage4 gives good advice here. You'll get through this bump and feel strong again.

I haven't been put in the loop about that - introducing someone new to the kids without giving the other person the heads up about it.

It's maddening. It's infuriating. I've had the same experience with my ExW & kids; it's a feeling of completely loss of control over how your children are raised, taught, modeled. Sorry man. Unfortunately there's just nothing we can do about it. Our Exs will do as they please, regardless of what we think or what's in the best interest of the children.

From the outside, her life looks spectacular and my life is in shambles.

Her life could be spectacular. Or it could be awful. Who knows what's going on behind the scenes. After all, you know things blew up on her once already. Key thing is don't let your perception of how she's doing affect you. Instead try to focus on yourself and improving your life. Easier said than done, trust me I get it, but you can get there.

Having you back regularly posting has been great, you are making a great contribution, I thank you for that.

^I second OB's motion! You've helped me a lot weighing in on my sitch and I can see you doing the same for others.