WAW w/Exit Affair or WW? - Divorced Anyway (5)

[BL42]

Working Out - Two months at the gym with my buddy. We have a chest & back / bis & tris / legs routine with some abs and cardio built in. I've always been average to maybe above average shape for my age, but am seeing the early results of lifting weights (it's been awhile) and it feels good. I need to turn two months into 6 months and then a year.

Grad school - Just the last group project milestone and Final to go on my first semester. My grades are good but need to decide whether to continue on with the degree. My career is already going very well and not sure I want to spend my limited free time at home behind a computer on more assignments, as opposed to getting out and doing other fun/social activities.

Dating - Very little to no luck with online dating. I don't live in a one stoplight town, but it's not a huge area either, and it seems like the options are fairly limited for folks in my position. I'm keeping life interesting as a single dad but would be lying if I said I don't miss companionship. This Summer a few months after my D finalized I asked out a woman I know (very attractive, fantastic mother, great parents/family background). She told me at the time she had just started seeing someone. Well she popped up on online dating last week and though I probably should've resisted I reached out last night via social media (while I was feeling lonely) to ask if she was single again. She saw the message but didn't respond - it probably didn't come off as super smooth - so feeling a bit awkward and disappointed. Need to resist the urge to over pursue out of loneliness!

Friends - Over drinks with buddies Friday night, found out one of them (6yo and 4yo, similar to mine) had his W initiate the D process we all know so well. I offer to lend him my support as being a year or two ahead of him. Last night had plans to go to a sporting event with a friend who bailed, hence the lonely social media reach out.

[LH19]

Lol. Yeah “are you single again” definitely not smooth. The indirect approach of just commenting about something on her social media page was the way to go here. If she was interested she would then put herself in your orbit somehow. Oh well lesson learned.

Be patient with OLD it is a grind.

[Ginger1]

Shockingly enough, transitions are fine at that age. Their surroundings don’t matter as much as wanting to be able to see their parents. A week is an eternity in little kid world not see one of their parents. And the dinners are kind of a tease for them. And yes, my daughter did a lot better with exchanges done at school. Going from one parent to another was really tough on her at a young age.

I will say when they get older, they do prefer less transition. When they settle into their own ways and routines and their rooms are truly “their space”. My kid is 14 now and that one night a week she goes to dads is a pain for her. She gets dropped off the next morning at my house so she can catch the bus. She makes sure the day before after school she prepares her lunch, switches her books, picks out her clothes. She loves her dad and even though it’s a pain, she wants to see him that one night a week.

It’s tough stuff all around. I lend my advice because I have been switching off my kid since she was 6 months old and now she’s a freshman in high school. I observed a lot. I spoke with therapists and other parents a lot on how to make this the best I could on her.

[DnJ]

Good Morning BL

Sometimes, if I'm being honest, my frustration seeps through when I'm with them but mostly not.

I’ve been there. The frustration was so maddening, and at times so ceaseless, it was difficult to keep it separate.

Another part of that survive/thrive mindset we are talking about:

You make yourself feel. No one else does. You control you.

It’s casting off of self-imposed shackles; not ignoring them.

Your feelings regarding OM2 are perfectly normal. Altering pickup and drop off arrangements to limit seeing or interacting with him is not the answer. (Alter arrangements for kids’ betterment - Yes. Alter so you don’t need to deal with OM2 feelings - No.)

OM2 triggers feelings within you. Your feelings within you. He doesn’t cause the feelings, they are already there. He doesn’t even stir them up to the surface, you do that too. Your feelings are you, and you do not want to ignore yourself.

I found my frustration and hurt and such - I dragged around with me. Sure I could ignore, for a while, and then they’d rise again. See it was me, not XW or OM. And I, am always close by to me.

Indifference, letting go, ego, acceptance, forgiveness - different facets all working together. The goal is to face your situation and become healed and healthy and strong and confident, so it no longer hurts. You control you. You influence you.

In my view, you are doing quite well. A good ways along that path. Continue working through your feelings regarding OM2 and let them go. Rationalize your triggers and responses.

Understand and discover that your emotions are within you. They are born from deep within your irrational self. They are fleeting. They change. They cannot be directly control. They can be influenced.

Mental assertiveness. We utilize our logic and reason to alter and influence our emotional state. This same mental exercise slowly alters our beliefs as well.

Beliefs and convictions are excellent headings for life. They influence everything within us. Strengthen beliefs that serve you, craft those you aspire to, and alter or discard those that do not serve.

You do that, and you’ll have no need to alter pickup times or anything just because OM2 is around.

Peace and contentment. Believe it.

D

[BL42]

LH,

Lol. Yeah “are you single again” definitely not smooth. The indirect approach of just commenting about something on her social media page was the way to go here. If she was interested she would then put herself in your orbit somehow. Oh well lesson learned.

Not smooth at all lol. I need to flex my flirting muscles a bit more after a decade.

Ginger1,

Shockingly enough, transitions are fine at that age. Their surroundings don’t matter as much as wanting to be able to see their parents. A week is an eternity in little kid world not see one of their parents. And the dinners are kind of a tease for them. And yes, my daughter did a lot better with exchanges done at school. Going from one parent to another was really tough on her at a young age.

Thanks for the advice on the schedules/transitions. Definitely food for thought. I'll certainly be monitoring and working with ExW to adjust if needed.

DnJ,

Indifference, letting go, ego, acceptance, forgiveness - different facets all working together. The goal is to face your situation and become healed and healthy and strong and confident, so it no longer hurts. You control you. You influence you.

In my view, you are doing quite well. A good ways along that path. Continue working through your feelings regarding OM2 and let them go. Rationalize your triggers and responses.

Always deep and insightful posts. I appreciate the thoughts on my emotions and OM2. Definitely an area for me to work on. I've notice how much you post on threads on all the various boards, and read through the start of your story last night. What an incredibly surreal and confusing BD compared to almost any other sitch on here...and that's saying a lot around here! A couple things resonated with me already I plan to read through your entire sitch and comment soon, if I can find the time.

[BL42]

Quick update...

Great Thanksgiving Holiday with the kids. I took off work to align with their days of from school, so spent pretty much off of Wednesday through Sunday with them. We had dinner with my parents, and my sister/BIL/niece travel to visit over the weekend, so great family time. We also went to get our Christmas tree and decorated, which D3 and S6 especially loved and was so excited about. D3 seemed a lot more settled last week fortunately...she seemed happy and content with no major meltdowns.

One thing occurred to me over this particular holiday is how thankful I am of this community and everyone here who has lent their time, support, and advice to me over the last year and a half. I'm coming up on two years since BD early next year and this forum has been partially responsible for getting my life back on track. Hope you all (at least the US folks) had a nice Thanksgiving :-)

[Dawn70]

Sounds like you had a great holiday with your kiddos. That is awesome. I totally agree with what you said about being thankful for this community. I have gotten some great advice here and it was a lifesaver when I first went through all my mess. It can be a helpful place!

[BL42]

Just got back from a parent/teacher conference with ExW & S6's 1st grade teacher...

S6 is doing well overall. He behaves in class, socially making friends, academically Math is a strength but he's a reading level behind so that's an area for us to work on with him. I was a bit concerned he's behind the curve there because although it's only first grade I don't want him to constantly be playing catch up and get "tracked" behind others. ExW made the comment to me in front of the teacher that she grew up differently than me and was always struggling academically and still turned into a productive member of society (I bit my tongue of course lol). It's true my sister & I were very strong academically growing up whereas ExW and her brother were not. Part of that though I attribute to upbringing with my stable home environment where reading was encouraged whereas ExW's parents did not seem to stress academics and w/Ex-MIL running all around town and the D she bounced from one parent or grandparents house to another (and that's a concern I have for my kids now). Anyway S6's teacher commented that although S6 is behind, he is progressing and gaining confidence and we'll have a better sense at the end of the year, which relieved my concerns a bit.

I raised the subject of his emotional adjustment in school. Trying to tactfully bring it up by saying "S6 has gone through a lot of changes over the past year" and asking if he's doing well emotionally, and whether activities/assignments such as a coloring / writing a story about their families/home life caused him to get upset. The teacher said he did seem a bit teary eyed at the beginning of the school year, but she hasn't noticed anything lately which would be cause for concern and made the comment "they usually save that for you guys at home".

ExW & I were sitting next to each other in chairs sixed for 6yos across from the teacher. No clue how she felt obviously; I felt a bit uncomfortable, but tried to keep it on the inside and not let it show and keep my focus on S6's progress. The discussion at the conference went very smoothly between the three of us though and everyone was adults about the situation.

The major awkwardness came afterwards when ExW & I were leaving S6's classroom and had to walk down this long quiet hallway just the two of us. Neither of us said anything to each other, and eventually I picked up my pace a bit and started walking a bit ahead. I was heading to an exit closest to my house (I live nearby) on the other side of the school. She kept following me, but then realized she passed the main entrance and had to turn around and circle back to go towards the exit for the parking lot. Very awkward and uncomfortable.

Anyway, S6 seems to be doing well in school so that's most important thing.

[kml]

On the reading thing:
Reading to and with kids is important. Since you may not be able to count on ex for that, make it a big part of your time together with S6.

All 3 of my kids were great readers but honestly, they all read differently. Two were sight readers, one read phonetically. There are pros and cons to each approach. If your sons school emphasizes one approach, maybe you can offer a different approach at home. ( I remember one very experienced teacher my kids had, talking about how when the district swung away from phonics, she still kept all her old phonics instruction materials. )

The Harry Potter books were great to read to my kids because each chapter ends with a cliffhanger. They’d beg for another chapter!

[DnJ]

Hello BL

I agree with kml. Making reading a fun time with Dad. Lots of benefits from that.

I get the awkward and uncomfortable feeling of walking down the school corridor with XW. It is telling she feels it too as she missed her door.

You two have a 6 year old son and 3 year old daughter together. There are going to be many such walks and times. Be the better person, the healthier person, and break the ice. Change this long silent walk by just commenting how well S6 is doing. She’ll response in kind. A few more exchanges and the exit door is there.

You and her are going to have to be together now and then over the next years. You might as well be the one to craft and set/demonstrate the expectations going forward.

D