Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Joined: Feb 2018
Posts: 9,060
Likes: 12
S
SteveLW Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Feb 2018
Posts: 9,060
Likes: 12


M(52), W(53),D(17)
M-20, T-23 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Joined: Feb 2018
Posts: 9,060
Likes: 12
S
SteveLW Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Feb 2018
Posts: 9,060
Likes: 12
Last post from previous thread:

Originally Posted by SteveLW
A topic that I keep coming back to when thinking about my own sitch and in so many others' sitches, is why the LBS holds on so tight to the WAS. I know LH has done a masterful job of describing this phenomenon in past with his description of the loss of feeling of control. And I think that is a big part of it. But I think there is another human dynamic that comes into play here as well. And that is the "I can make a person like me" mindset.

I have a family member that has self-esteem issues. When they feel like someone doesn't like them the get over the top with trying to make that person like them. They will hound the other person, trying to show the other person how "cool" they are. They try to be funny, as well as being an all around fun person to be around.

Of course this behavior has the opposite effect. The harder this person tries, the other person starts to loathe them more and more! The efforts come across as disingenuous, and the other person feels smothered whenever they have to be around this person. Sound familiar?

One thing I learned growing up around this family member was to not push myself on other people. If someone doesn't like me, then I just avoid that person. I don't want to be a burden to that other person, I don't want to push myself on them, and I certainly do not want them to feel smothered when we do cross paths. I have a very close friend (he and I hung out just last night), that many many years ago when we first started to interact through mutual friends, he didn't like me. I backed way off, never pursued this person as a friend, and eventually through our interactions a friendship did develop, and he is one of my best friends now.

This is why the advice for DBing is to back off of the WAS. Remove all pursuit and pressure. Go into "as if" mode, and just go out and live your own life. One of the things I have learned watching this family member over the decades is that you cannot make someone like you. What you can do is go about your own business, and eventually they may get interested and start coming back around to liking you. But smothering, and pursuing, and pressuring will just drive them further away.

As I've pointed out before in my own situation, my first two days after BD I defaulted to pursuit, pressure, badgering, questioning, pushing myself on her, etc. And all it did was push her further away. Due to our first situation 12 years before, on day 3 I remembered DBing and backed way off. I instituted the dropping all pressure and pursuit, and left her alone and started to just live my life. I am not saying that is what saved my MR, but it certainly didn't hurt it.


M(52), W(53),D(17)
M-20, T-23 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Joined: Jul 2020
Posts: 497
Likes: 8
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Jul 2020
Posts: 497
Likes: 8
SteveLW,

Good thoughts on the self-esteem/getting people to like you. I think you're right that it can play apart along with LH's loss of control theory, and several others.

The push-pull / work hard to get them back / dropping pressure & pursuit dynamics are certainly interesting and something I hadn't considered much before, but have given a lot of thought post-BD on this forum and other resources.

How are things with you and your wife? Are things still well? Any personal updates to share on your own sitch?


Me:39 Ex-W:37
M:7 T: 9
S:6 D:3
BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20
OM1 affair ends: May '20
W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20
W files for D: Jul20
OM2 confirmed: 9/2020
Divorced: May '21
Joined: May 2018
Posts: 2,652
O
Member
Offline
Member
O
Joined: May 2018
Posts: 2,652
Originally Posted by SteveLW
Last post from previous thread:

Originally Posted by SteveLW
A topic that I keep coming back to when thinking about my own sitch and in so many others' sitches, is why the LBS holds on so tight to the WAS. I know LH has done a masterful job of describing this phenomenon in past with his description of the loss of feeling of control. And I think that is a big part of it. But I think there is another human dynamic that comes into play here as well. And that is the "I can make a person like me" mindset.

I have a family member that has self-esteem issues. When they feel like someone doesn't like them the get over the top with trying to make that person like them. They will hound the other person, trying to show the other person how "cool" they are. They try to be funny, as well as being an all around fun person to be around.

Of course this behavior has the opposite effect. The harder this person tries, the other person starts to loathe them more and more! The efforts come across as disingenuous, and the other person feels smothered whenever they have to be around this person. Sound familiar?

One thing I learned growing up around this family member was to not push myself on other people. If someone doesn't like me, then I just avoid that person. I don't want to be a burden to that other person, I don't want to push myself on them, and I certainly do not want them to feel smothered when we do cross paths. I have a very close friend (he and I hung out just last night), that many many years ago when we first started to interact through mutual friends, he didn't like me. I backed way off, never pursued this person as a friend, and eventually through our interactions a friendship did develop, and he is one of my best friends now.

This is why the advice for DBing is to back off of the WAS. Remove all pursuit and pressure. Go into "as if" mode, and just go out and live your own life. One of the things I have learned watching this family member over the decades is that you cannot make someone like you. What you can do is go about your own business, and eventually they may get interested and start coming back around to liking you. But smothering, and pursuing, and pressuring will just drive them further away.

As I've pointed out before in my own situation, my first two days after BD I defaulted to pursuit, pressure, badgering, questioning, pushing myself on her, etc. And all it did was push her further away. Due to our first situation 12 years before, on day 3 I remembered DBing and backed way off. I instituted the dropping all pressure and pursuit, and left her alone and started to just live my life. I am not saying that is what saved my MR, but it certainly didn't hurt it.
I really agree with this. The problem for me was being so emotionally attached that I was unable to see how desperate and pathetic I was acting.

Not only does it work better to allow people to want to be around you, it is better for your state of mind too.


H 34
W 29
BD 3/12/18
Divorce Busted Spring 19

It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
Joined: Feb 2018
Posts: 9,060
Likes: 12
S
SteveLW Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Feb 2018
Posts: 9,060
Likes: 12
Originally Posted by BL42
SteveLW,

Good thoughts on the self-esteem/getting people to like you. I think you're right that it can play apart along with LH's loss of control theory, and several others.

The push-pull / work hard to get them back / dropping pressure & pursuit dynamics are certainly interesting and something I hadn't considered much before, but have given a lot of thought post-BD on this forum and other resources.

How are things with you and your wife? Are things still well? Any personal updates to share on your own sitch?

Things are great! We are empty nesters. We are partners. We are getting along better than at any other time in our R, including while we were dating. When we were dating we were terrible at conflict resolution, often freezing each other out. Now we talk through things. We work together. It is so much better.

No real updates to share. We continue to just try to improve as spouses each and every day. She is doing much better as a wife, I have done a complete 180 as a husband. And it is just working.


M(52), W(53),D(17)
M-20, T-23 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018
1 member likes this: neffer
Joined: Feb 2018
Posts: 9,060
Likes: 12
S
SteveLW Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Feb 2018
Posts: 9,060
Likes: 12
Originally Posted by ovrrnbw
I really agree with this. The problem for me was being so emotionally attached that I was unable to see how desperate and pathetic I was acting.

Not only does it work better to allow people to want to be around you, it is better for your state of mind too.

And the principle works with all Rs, not just your love R. I even find that being emotionally detached in work relationships pays huge dividends. And as you said, it is better for your state of mind. Life is so much more fulfilling when you are in control of your own happiness.


M(52), W(53),D(17)
M-20, T-23 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Joined: Jul 2020
Posts: 497
Likes: 8
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Jul 2020
Posts: 497
Likes: 8
Glad to hear it!


Me:39 Ex-W:37
M:7 T: 9
S:6 D:3
BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20
OM1 affair ends: May '20
W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20
W files for D: Jul20
OM2 confirmed: 9/2020
Divorced: May '21
Joined: Apr 2017
Posts: 2,099
Likes: 1
N
Member
Offline
Member
N
Joined: Apr 2017
Posts: 2,099
Likes: 1
Hey bro!

Just keep shining dear friend. Keep shining there, where your family stands. And keep shining here, lighting the DB road.

Respect!


WW H(me): 51
W: 47
T: 26 M: 21
S: 16
Piecing since 03/2016
Saw the light in the storm
Joined: Feb 2018
Posts: 9,060
Likes: 12
S
SteveLW Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Feb 2018
Posts: 9,060
Likes: 12
Originally Posted by neffer
Hey bro!

Just keep shining dear friend. Keep shining there, where your family stands. And keep shining here, lighting the DB road.

Respect!

Thanks neffer! I love the perspective you bring to this board. Would love to see you post more often. One of my favorites!


M(52), W(53),D(17)
M-20, T-23 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018
1 member likes this: neffer
Joined: Apr 2017
Posts: 2,099
Likes: 1
N
Member
Offline
Member
N
Joined: Apr 2017
Posts: 2,099
Likes: 1
Just waiting for the after COVID new normality. I have been into 1 1/2 years of scientific work craziness here.

Be back soon, I hope.


WW H(me): 51
W: 47
T: 26 M: 21
S: 16
Piecing since 03/2016
Saw the light in the storm

Moderated by  Cadet, job, Virginia 

Link Copied to Clipboard