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Actually, Andrew I believe all those posting to CW are very well intentioned. I know most outside of here and I know anything that is said comes from a good place for anyone that is posting to him .

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Hiya Warrior...how is the garage coming?

I have a terrible sense of humor, but what about inviting Sunshine over to assist in the clear-up and see if she's made of sturdy stuff?? (2 birds one stone?) LOL

There are some fantastic articles online about how to live intentionally clutter-free, so you don't end up overwhelmed. Most are things I do every day without even thinking about it. It's the thing I can control. Helps my head to have a tidy environment.

Hope you had a great weekend!


ME47 XH44, S28 S24 S19

8/17-BD
IHS: 1/17-2/19
D FILED (ME): 7/19
D FINAL: 10/20
M23 T25
OW CONFIRMED: 01/21

Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.
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CW, you will do what you feel best with your life, as is proper. Sometimes what is obvious to those reading along is a mystery to those in the middle. I know this is true from personal experience.

I also know how difficult it is to face down the overwhelm and take care of things around the house, especially without help. I commend you for doing so. If this helps, my landscaping was out of control. A huge part of it was that Dad's tractor kept breaking down, and I'd have to wait for my friend to fix it - it's no easy thing finding someone to fix a 16hp tractor that's 40 years old. Two acres. Lots of rain. Grass growing. Uggh. You can imagine. What I started doing was about 10-15 minutes of weeding as I would walk back and forth from my house to Mom's. After about a week of this, wow! There was a noticeable difference! It's the little things, CW, that you do consistently that will make a difference over time.


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
H moved out 4/24/15
D Final 12/23/16

You have no idea what people are going thru in their personal lives. Be nice. It's that simple.
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@Andrew - Thanks for your kind and insightful words. I will come back to them.

@Ginger - I always appreciate your wisdom. I wish I knew more about your latest adventures. wink

@97Hope - Back to it! The 2.5hr tutoring session zapped the remainder of my energy. My D16 began her requested tutoring session insisting she knew how to study it. After a 30-minute pause, she was ready to learn and we nailed the topic. I aspire to get where you are on clutter. I'm glad my antics have at least inspired Dawn and others to pick up a few extra things.

---

I prepared a home-made lunch, dinner, and snack (muffins) for the first time in a week and my kids were comfortable getting another snack and breakfast on their own.



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I do promise you, my wisdom comes from mistakes. And like I tell my daughter, it’s ok to make mistakes, the problem is when you don’t learn from them.

Honestly, I was never a natural housekeeper. Actually both my mother and father were obsessive compulsive with a clean home. It made me crazy. A dish couldn’t sit there in the sink for 5 seconds. No one cooked in the house, but I wasn’t allowed to cook because of the mess it might make. I was never allowed to have fun and bake because mess. My mother had lots of mental issues and this was one .
My dad is pretty anal himself and has insulted my the neatness and cleanliness of my home before. I do literally get panicked before he comes over. I hate it. And my house honestly, is just lived in at this point. My ex husband used to insult my housekeeping skills. It turned out when we were in separate homes, mine was the clean one and his is still the disaster ( his wife is a bit of a hoarder).
I have a lot of sensitivity around the clean and tiny home things myself.
I will never keep a perfect museum of a home, but I do just want me and my daughter to be totally comfortable there. I realize when the outside pressures of others judging were gone and I began to organize for my daughter and I, I enjoyed it that much more. I did it for us.


As far as my dating adventures, I won’t get into details, but I have went on dates with a decent amount of men in the past 3-4 months. Most were train wrecks, some were just hook ups, and one was just bad. But I sure am learning a lot doing this. I expect flakiness from nearly everyone. When it ends up differently, it’s a pleasant surprise. For the first time in my life, I’m finally dating without expectations. I don’t overanalyze their potential. If it feels good, I go with it, if it doesn’t, I simply stop.

Currently I have been seeing 2 men . 3 dates with each. One I really love hanging out with. He is very recently divorced with a 3 and a 5 year old. His ex W is about to give birth to OM’a baby. And I know he has a lot of stages to go through. But to my pleasant surprise, he is so laid back and chill. He’s handling all of this like a champ. He’s not bitter and angry. He doesn’t bad mouth her. I mean, I’ve dated people years out from their divorce and they still can’t handle it well. I was actually going to write him off due to his circumstance. I had some friends convince me not to. Abs I’m glad I didn’t . I’m just staying in the present for once. And we are having a lot of fun. Physically it’s of chemistry. And we have some totally opposite stuff like he doesn’t like the outdoors and I do. He doesn’t exercise and I do. But our personalities click. And I’m just living in the moment. We had one communication hiccup, we spoke about to, and all was good .

You know why? It just feels good for the both of us! It should always feel good in the beginning.

Even if you continue with Ms sunshine, which I know you will, I would give much less energy to her and way more energy to your physical and emotional house. You will benefit so much more .
And with Ms. sunshine. Try dropping the percentages and over analyzing . At this stage, does this feel good and is this fun? Or is it sucking too much energy from you? Because your emotional energy is so valuable. Where do you want to focus that energy?

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Originally Posted by Ginger1
I do promise you, my wisdom comes from mistakes. And like I tell my daughter, it’s ok to make mistakes, the problem is when you don’t learn from them.

Honestly, I was never a natural housekeeper. Actually both my mother and father were obsessive compulsive with a clean home. It made me crazy. A dish couldn’t sit there in the sink for 5 seconds. No one cooked in the house, but I wasn’t allowed to cook because of the mess it might make. I was never allowed to have fun and bake because mess. My mother had lots of mental issues and this was one .
My dad is pretty anal himself and has insulted my the neatness and cleanliness of my home before. I do literally get panicked before he comes over. I hate it. And my house honestly, is just lived in at this point. My ex husband used to insult my housekeeping skills. It turned out when we were in separate homes, mine was the clean one and his is still the disaster ( his wife is a bit of a hoarder).
I have a lot of sensitivity around the clean and tiny home things myself.
I will never keep a perfect museum of a home, but I do just want me and my daughter to be totally comfortable there. I realize when the outside pressures of others judging were gone and I began to organize for my daughter and I, I enjoyed it that much more. I did it for us.


As far as my dating adventures, I won’t get into details, but I have went on dates with a decent amount of men in the past 3-4 months. Most were train wrecks, some were just hook ups, and one was just bad. But I sure am learning a lot doing this. I expect flakiness from nearly everyone. When it ends up differently, it’s a pleasant surprise. For the first time in my life, I’m finally dating without expectations. I don’t overanalyze their potential. If it feels good, I go with it, if it doesn’t, I simply stop.

Currently I have been seeing 2 men . 3 dates with each. One I really love hanging out with. He is very recently divorced with a 3 and a 5 year old. His ex W is about to give birth to OM’a baby. And I know he has a lot of stages to go through. But to my pleasant surprise, he is so laid back and chill. He’s handling all of this like a champ. He’s not bitter and angry. He doesn’t bad mouth her. I mean, I’ve dated people years out from their divorce and they still can’t handle it well. I was actually going to write him off due to his circumstance. I had some friends convince me not to. Abs I’m glad I didn’t . I’m just staying in the present for once. And we are having a lot of fun. Physically it’s of chemistry. And we have some totally opposite stuff like he doesn’t like the outdoors and I do. He doesn’t exercise and I do. But our personalities click. And I’m just living in the moment. We had one communication hiccup, we spoke about to, and all was good .

You know why? It just feels good for the both of us! It should always feel good in the beginning.

Even if you continue with Ms sunshine, which I know you will, I would give much less energy to her and way more energy to your physical and emotional house. You will benefit so much more .
And with Ms. sunshine. Try dropping the percentages and over analyzing . At this stage, does this feel good and is this fun? Or is it sucking too much energy from you? Because your emotional energy is so valuable. Where do you want to focus that energy?

Nice to hear Ginger!

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it hit me as i was doing errands. Andrew and CW are both left brain dominant people. love is not a left brain emotion.


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
H moved out 4/24/15
D Final 12/23/16

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Quote
one other poster who recommends getting to know a person well and taking time before even considering cohabitating caused quite a stir when it slipped out that their (now partner of several years) had moved in after just three months.

Guilty - but with an explanation. I never WANTED to live with him. But when he was laid off ( due to the tariffs) just before he was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer, and estranged from his children and really had no one else to take him in - it was either move him in (for what I expected would be six months of hospice type care) or watch him become homeless at some point soon. ( He would never have been able to get another job while going through this treatment process, and he doesn’t have enough income to pay for rent AND living expenses AND medical care. By removing rent from the equation he’s been able to pay for the rest).

I still think I made the right decision in this situation. But it’s not an easy one, and given his peculiarities, it has only reinforced my belief that living with someone is hard and you should really know them before you try it.

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I so wish we could post pics and memes here because I just saw one on facebook that I thought was appropriate for a variety of situations on this board. It said something to the effect of you saw all the red flags and yet you ignored them and the person responds that they thought it was a carnival. I don't know why that made me laugh so hard, probably because it is so very true.

I guess for me, the long and short of it is, we all have to do what works best for us. Sure, we come here to get advice and some follow it while others totally ignore it, but at the end of the day, we are all, for all intents and purposes, strangers to each other and I agree with Andrew's assessment that MOST of us are not licensed, trained counselors of any kind. I say most, because I'm fairly certain we do have an actual psychology professional or 2 among us, but most of us are not in that field. Some of us are in fields where our education may have touched on that because we have very public facing jobs (teachers, nurses, doctors, clergy). To Andrew's point from several posts ago, though, advice certainly should be taken with a grain of salt because who knows what is going on "behind the scenes" so to speak that we don't know about. We are not personally involved in anyone's lives and don't know personal details and some things are left out. And, of course, there is that old adage about there are 3 sides to every story: your side, my side, and the truth which likely lies somewhere in the middle.

I'm kind of rambling here, but my overall point is that I think CW has gotten some sound advice and I don't think it has been terribly contradictory as many of us have said pretty much the same thing, albeit with different semantics. At the end of the day, though, CW has to do what works for CW, regardless of what advice he receives here because he's living the situation.

I can't and won't speak for anyone else if I can help it (though sometimes I do so inadvertently), but CW, when I compare you to Andrew, please know that I like and respect Andrew, so to me, comparing you to Andrew, even if it is in the vein of a relationship that I might think is questionable, I still think you are likely very similar people in real life and so I think of the comparison as a compliment. I have had the good fortune to have conversations with Andrew outside of this board and I think he's a solid dude, so if I seem to give you a harder time than others, it is just because I think you deserve better and you can handle it. Read some of my posts to Andrew. I don't take it lightly on him, but it comes from a place of caring, not a place of meanness. Having said all that, you are going to do what you are going to do when it comes to Sunshine. I, personally, think the lady is waving a whole carnival's worth of red flags right in your face, but if you don't see them as red flags or you want to say that the way things are playing out is more your fault, then that is on you and all I can do is wish you the best. I do applaud you for continuing to come here and lay things out and really examine your own motives and feelings. It says a lot about someone who will continue to be open and share things in the face of everyone else telling you you are wrong. And, I think getting your house and car in order will go a long way to continuing to strengthen your mood, your happiness, and your overall living situation for you and your kids. All of that are really positive qualities that you possess. So, you keep doing you, CW. Even when I'm hard on you, I'm still rooting for you and your kids. Sunshine, not so much, but that is your choice to make ultimately, so you do what you gotta do. wink


Me 51, H53
Bomb drop 9/29/2014
Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014
Marriage #2 12/31/2019
5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships)
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So this is where my confusion starts:

Originally Posted by CWarrior
"I'm trying to rebuild my life and be pickier about partners!"

If instead you wanted to be "less picky", then your desires (level of pickiness) would be in line with your behavior (continuing the R). I would be viewing your R with Sunshine completely different and be giving you completely different advice.


"What is best for my kids is best for me"
Amor Fati
Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
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