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DnJ #2925845 11/01/21 02:19 PM
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Good Morning

bttrfly, when I got the call from S20, I did smile at the luck of giving into that urge to get my phone.

My coworker’s arm is doing well. The way the truck fell and the tire hanging-up on the wheel stud, left an almost arm size space. Very lucky. Just a bruise and lesson learned.

Yes, the scholarship is welcomed news. I’m doing alright, supporting the kids, sans XW. Still, a scholarship is less that Dad needs to loan. smile


CW, glad to hear from you. It’s funny how it’s like automatic to grab the tire from the top to pull it off. Better to break that habit than an arm. Ha, that’d make a good tag line for the safety circular.


And in other news, S24 and GF bought a house. Yay! Mortgage is less than rent was, and their money is actually purchasing something. Their possession date is December 17. It’s going to be a busy holiday season for them.

D


Now: Me54 XW50 S24 S23 S21 D19

Oct 8/17-BD, Moves in w/OM, Leaves Kids
Me49 W46 S20 S19 S16 D15
M26 T29
Dec 9/17-Legal Separation
Oct 3/18-W Files
Apr 6/19-Divorced

Love the Sinner, Forgive the Sin.
1 member likes this: bttrfly
DnJ #2925889 11/02/21 07:56 AM
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I got the same encounter with the wheel well. I also made the stupid mistake of grabbing the tire on to and tried to shake it loose while the car was on the jack. The jack slipped and luckily the wheel remained on the studs. The car did make contac with my arms on the tire, but luckily just left a bit of mud on my both forarms. Very nearly ended tup with both arms broken...

DnJ #2925896 11/02/21 11:41 AM
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Good Morning Vapo

Oh my! Glad you had luck on your side that day. A bit of mud, and not two broke arms. Wow. I bet you were thanking your guardian angel after that.

This workplace incident had just happened, and I had therefore just been talking about it. Even with that fresh on my mind, I was still drawn to wanting to grab the top of the wheel and shake it loose. It seems harder when only using the sides. Lol. Though in actuality, it’s probably easier.

Have a great day V.

D


Now: Me54 XW50 S24 S23 S21 D19

Oct 8/17-BD, Moves in w/OM, Leaves Kids
Me49 W46 S20 S19 S16 D15
M26 T29
Dec 9/17-Legal Separation
Oct 3/18-W Files
Apr 6/19-Divorced

Love the Sinner, Forgive the Sin.
DnJ #2926198 11/07/21 03:53 PM
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Good Morning

A chilly Sunday here. No snow yet, just -4 C. Brrrr. In a couple of months this will be a nice warm morning. Lol. Perspective - it defines our reality.

That’s why, sitting here, at my kitchen table, alone, and am very happy.

Perspective. Viewpoint.

Four years ago, I sat here in this same chair, three kids were still at home, and I was not at all happy. So very depressed. So lonely.

That’s such an interesting lesson. Lonely vs alone.

After BD, I was surrounded by family and friends and support and felt so very isolated. Ain’t grief a hard road to walk. smile

And now, I live alone and I’m content and at peace.

Of course, getting finances and that most unwanted separation/divorce out of the way quickly, did propel things along. Fear lives within our uncertainties about the future. It’s difficult to let that go. Having lived though, and thrived post, one of my worse fears has allowed me to make friends with fear.

An odd perspective, well maybe a rare perspective is a better way of stating it. I’m good and at peace and am friends with the ghosts and memories that reside within these walls; I’m not haunted. I’m on good terms with my fears. Fearless is not the absence of the recognition of things to be fearful of; it is realizing the unrealized irrational coupling and response from such a trigger. Hence, being friends with fear.

Fear is a useful thing. It’s been reinforced and passed down through evolution because of its gains in regard to survival. Nowadays, we don’t need to outrun a hungry tiger too often smile ; still, our ancestral response can serve. Think of fear as a indicator, a helpful friend, a warning. The warning maybe be something you do need to steer clear of, or it may be something internal you need to steer towards and make peace with. The latter, the internal steering towards, being mostly what is needed during this grief and healing path we all find ourselves on.

Ha. Find ourselves on. Oh yes, we do find / discover our self. And it’s really make peace with fear, not overcome it.

Alone - Lonely.
Content - Agitated.
Peaceful - Boredom.

Interesting perspectives. The same external situation can create very different internal realities, it’s a matter of perspective.

I’m pretty darn happy with who I am, and who I became, and who I am still becoming.

Anyhow, just another wonderful morning.

Have a great day.

D


Now: Me54 XW50 S24 S23 S21 D19

Oct 8/17-BD, Moves in w/OM, Leaves Kids
Me49 W46 S20 S19 S16 D15
M26 T29
Dec 9/17-Legal Separation
Oct 3/18-W Files
Apr 6/19-Divorced

Love the Sinner, Forgive the Sin.
DnJ #2926213 11/08/21 06:08 PM
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Nice to read on an ordinary Monday evening. Hope you had a great day as well.
I sure did.


Me (43) H (42)
M:15 T:19, S17, S14 & S14
04/19 - 02/20 ILYB & OW1
12/20 - 11/21 OW2
10/21 Start of H's awakening
12/21 moves back home & D papers signed
DnJ #2926531 11/20/21 03:48 PM
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Good Morning

It’s -10 C and snow covers the land. The white blanket fell upon us last Saturday; 16 inches of the flakes piled up over two days. By Sunday morning the snow had stopped and the roads were a mess.

I bring up last Sunday since that when I started this work week. Early Sunday morning some load transfer switching for a 230 kV transmission line. We placed the line back into service yesterday and had daily switching requirements for some larger customers everyday this week.

Along with that, three disconnects failed and a 230 kV breaker needed an emergency outage and repair. Four other breakers were being worked on from previous problems and eleven metering installs happened. Oh, and my crew was down to five of us. Lol. What a busy week!

Last Sunday after my five hours of “day of rest” working - haha, day of rest - I returned home to the near foot and a half of snow and got my snow blower attached to my tractor. What a pain! The blower was frozen into the ground as well as all the pins and couplers were all frozen and stuck. Two hours later, I had a functional 8 1/2 foot snow blower on my Belarus 825.

In my first few feet of clearing the roadway, I chewed up a bunch of gravel and grass. I was unaware that the snowblower was frozen into the gravel as much as it was. When I lifted it with the hydraulic 3 point hitch it ripped up two inches of gravel on the underneath right side of the blower. When set on the road the left side dug in and - darn!

I lifted the blower and started to chisel off the gravel. Picking and poking away until the whole piece came off smashing into the ground. It was around 50 pounds of frozen gravel which happily broke into several pieces which were more easily manageable as I carried them to the side of the road where I won’t run over them. Hopefully.

With the blower now proper, I clear my 1500 feet of snow ladened road. I made a reasonable path through my snow filled deck and had supper with my Mom.

During the week, and the hour long commutes, it rained. Monday and Tuesday were icky days of rain and cold wind. My sure-footed all wheel drive Prius was awesome.

Wednesday and Thursday the wind picked up big time. Oh my. 70-80 Km/hr. Miserable days. I make some incredible fuel economy on my return trip travelling with the wind. Lol.

And Friday, worked until 6:30 pm. Another long day in a string of long days. Glad it’s the weekend.

A highlight during the week. Wednesday was my 54th trip around the sun. I awoke to a text birthday wishes from S23 and GF. The other kids, Mom, Dad, friends, and coworkers all passing along their wishes throughout the day. On Thursday many others contacted me and offered a belated greeting and apology. I did find the efforts of so many rather heartwarming and it reaffirmed just how many lives our own life touches.

Thursday night after work D19 and S20 took me out for supper. They had called on my birthday and had wanted to take me that day, but D19 had to work. We had a wonderful evening. They told me all about their current happenings.

Back at BD, and for quite sometime after, I was very much concerned for daughter. I’m a pretty good Dad, but I ain’t a Mom. Along the way I’ve taken her bra shopping, had talks about sex, helped her obtain birth control pills while under the age of eighteen, and so on. One of my biggest concerns regarding her was my inability to speak “girl”. I speak “boy” rather fluently. Lol. And as it turns out - I might be bilingual. smile

My daughter has been a barometer of sorts for my children. The other three, all boys, all older; seemed to have a different “feel”. Of course, it makes sense to feel different. Daughter also received some pretty weird treatment from XW during J’s spiral downward during the last year or so. All of which I found out about from daughter after Mom had left. Poor girl. The bond between Mom and daughter - or more precisely the destruction of that bond, required attention. All I could do was be me, become me. You know, let go, forgive, accept, be compassionate, all the stuff I blather on about. Lol.

After work, I first picked up my daughter. She was waiting at her apartment entrance and happily bounced out towards my car. Smiles and happy to see me.

Me - How’s class?
D19 - Good.
Me - How’s work?
D19 - Good.
Me - How’s boyfriend.
D19 - Don’t have one.
Me/D19 - hahaha
(The obvious trap. We find that funny.)
Me (doubling down) - How’s Murphy? (Pet cat)
D19 - Good.
Me - How the drugs?
D19 - Good. (Giggle)
Me/D19 - hahaha

My daughter is a happy soul. Over the evening she laughed and told so many stories. To be certain, S20 did as well. No one hogged any attention. They both conspired and enacted taking me out to supper.

Still, my little girl is now nineteen. She drinks, something she did not like before. She works. She pays bills. She is an adult. She actually swore in front of me while telling me about a terrible coworker who actually got fired they were so bad. D19 using the F word. And properly! Oh I was so proud! LOL!!!

Seriously, D19, S20, S23, and S24 all turned out alright. They are good down to earth people. Young adults who know the value of morals and loyalty. Hurt kids who healed and became whole and happy.

I dropped S20 and D19 back at their apartments and headed home at 7:30 pm. Windy, dark, just me along the lonely highway - a bit of a metaphor for life somewhere in there I suppose - I was so proud and pleased. I did it! I accomplished this primary goal within this disaster. To lead my kids beyond this mess created by their Mom. To foster a path for their wonderful lives. To encourage them to walk that path. Oh, God knows at times it was so very dark and I struggled. And here I am! Here they are! And yes, XW/W/J/Mom ain’t here; she remains lost.

Birthdays bring about certain reflections of one’s life. At 54, I am very pleased with my life and accomplishments. No, I’m not resting upon my laurels, and still seek that guy I “will” be.

Son and daughter both commented 364 days until retirement. They both were beaming and all smiles. I don’t need to retire at 55, I could continue to work. I also don’t need to work, I can retire quite comfortably. Their attitude is one shared by many of my closest friends and family. I worked and gave up certain things for 34 years to provide for my wife and family. My now “adulting” kids realize just how much Dad silently and non-begrudgingly did for his family. They are happy I am reaching the point when I can be free. Paroled. Lol.

54 years and 4 days old. I’ve loved and lost. Was married to an incredible gal for 26 years. Have four incredible and wonderful children. Have two wonderful parents who are both still here. I am at the top of my game at work. A recognized expert and sought after for wisdom and guidance. (That is going to be difficult to let go of. smile ) I’m healthy, happy, and whole. I took 19 years off my mortgage. Was debt-free. Became divorce. Paid her off. Became debt-free again. I was the sole parent and guardian after the divorce settlement. I’m providing financial support for my children’s education. I’m single. I’m content.

Kids are always watching and listening. My “adulting” kids realize.

I’m proud of the role model and guidance I’ve displayed.

The dividends from my path are a most wonderful birthday gift.

Have a great day.

D


Now: Me54 XW50 S24 S23 S21 D19

Oct 8/17-BD, Moves in w/OM, Leaves Kids
Me49 W46 S20 S19 S16 D15
M26 T29
Dec 9/17-Legal Separation
Oct 3/18-W Files
Apr 6/19-Divorced

Love the Sinner, Forgive the Sin.
DnJ #2926777 11/30/21 01:39 AM
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Hello All

The weekend had the family all together celebrating my and S21’s birthdays. Son turned 21 on Saturday, and was the main celebration.

S21 travelled out to my house arriving at 5:00 pm on Friday. I’d still not be home until around 6:00 pm. He then decided to visit Mom/XW.

Since last weekend, Mom’s been texting and calling to see if he was planning on visiting her. She knows his and my birthdays, and the two likely weekends he and I (and the rest of the family) would get together. Her spying during last weekend showed no kids here which cranked up the texting and the guilt-trip pressure being applied from her. And yes, she actually admitted spying.

Anyhow, S21 decided after dropping off his stuff at 5:00 pm to go and see her. He has wanted to just drop in unannounced and see what her life looks like. So he called her and said he was in town and could come over right away for a visit. Mom was a bit stunned and not ready but did agree. In five minutes he was at her door.

S21 told me, she hugged him for three minutes. Three full minutes! Well beyond being comfortable, well passed uncomfortable, and into weird. She cried, and she talked a bit, all while continuing to hug him. Eventually she released him and invited him into the kitchen, the only room he was in during the visit.

S21 sat on one of the two chairs at the table pushed against the wall. Mom sat / crouched on a white foot stool type piece of furniture. No back, low to the ground. Like foot stool height, a foot lower than everyone else. S21 said it looked rather weird. It was obvious that is her normal seat. Mom had no time to ready anything and she did seem to balance well upon it.

Like always lots of small talk. Mom did comment and ask regarding the lack of visits. Although it was very very strange.

(S21 hasn’t seen nor spoken to Mom since last Christmas. He and her have no real common ground. She is all small talk and will not (cannot) discuss any matters of substance and importance with son. Betrayal, affair, etc. He does not condone her way of life. To him morals and honour are very high principles of life. He is a proper man.)

Mom - Is there like a door between us?

S21 - Huh? What do you mean?

Mom - Like a door between us.

(Great explanation, lol. Just repeat the same thing.)

S21 - I’m not understanding what you are getting at.

Mom - Like a door, blocking us from talking. You never answer my texts or calls.

S21 - Sort of. I study and work a lot and you call at times when I cannot answer. (He didn’t want to hurt her feelings.)

Mom - Oh, it’s more like a screen door. Like a door we can still talk through.

S21 - Um. Sure.

(That’s the gist of it. The actual conversation was weirder and more convoluted. S21 was like why is Mom using a weird metaphor. Just say what you’re thinking.

I did let him know, that it looks like Mom is perhaps looking for admonishment. She knows/feels what she’s done is wrong and requires an external assurance that she is correct in that assumption of wrongness. As odd as that sounds. And that she could lash out at the one who actually confirms what she is feeling.

He understands. This ain’t nothing new for his Mom and the way she treats him.)

S21 did explain a little of his studies. The long hours and intense mental workout. Mom wanted to bring up something similar, to show how she understands how drained S21 is after hours and hours of mental studying. (Oh my goodness this is so crazy.)

Mom and OM get animals butchered by a friend. These animals are kind of poached and not quite legal so aside from the cost of an actual butcher there is a problem with bringing in so many.

Anyhow, Mom was telling S21 the story. Their friend is going to die someday and then there would be no one to butcher their animals so she wanted to learn. Wait. What?!?

(Yep. Die someday. This friend ain’t sick or has cancer or anything like that. Just he could kick off and then her and OM would be left in a pickle. That and she probably has some pressures around getting old and such. You know MLC. Trying to reclaim your youth.)

So, when the guy was butchering, Mom told him she wanted to learn. (Realize their friends know XW and let her be crazy. As they’ve said, right in front of her, there is no point in trying to talk sense into her.) She told this butcher friend of OM to just sit down and tell her what to do so she could do it and learn to be a butcher.

(Oh my goodness. The audacity of such a thing. Like one can learn a life’s skill, an occupation, in a few moments.)

Anyhow, she received her instructions. According to her tale, she had to follow several steps, which was very difficult. After a while she had to stop and go home. She collapsed into bed from sheer mental exhaustion.

(She probably cut a roast or some such. Skinning, deboning, carving, etc. take hours and hours, and some practice before just jumping in.)

S21 just agreed with Mom.

The topic of drinking came up as well. S21’s drink of choice is spiced rum. Mom’s is white rum.

Mom never had a drink of choice. People do not have a drink of choice unless they actually commonly drink it. Something she never did. By the sounds of her story, she now drinks often enough to definitely have a type of booze she considers her norm. S21 and I did wonder how many bottles a week pile up. Maybe it’s only a part bottle. Probably not.

She asked if he needed money. He told her no.

She asked about meals. She could bring him suppers. Again - What?!? (Realize she means suppers not just one supper.) S21 lives an hour away. He reminded her of this, and she said she could do it. He assured her that he does not require any meals from her.

Since S21 was curious he came out and directly asked what she did for a living. Where she works. She cleans homes starting at 8:00 am and goes until around 3:00 pm. Then she delivers prescriptions for the pharmacy. Her area of coverage is around an hour radius from town. She told S21 she hates driving. (Then why be a delivery driver…. Ah, whatever.)

She doesn’t shovel snow anymore - her hands cannot take the cold - except for a couple of old ladies. She doesn’t want to let them down. And in summer she mows a few yards. No where close to what she used to do.

(By her own hours of work, she’d not be delivering S21’s supper until late evening. And why are you worried about letting these two old ladies down? You’ve let down your kids, and so many other folks. Poor addled gal.)

This was around 30 minutes of visiting and S21 said he should be leaving. Mom asked if he wanted some eggs and potatoes. Sure. Free food is good. She went downstairs and brought up a box with two dozen eggs and a bag of potatoes. She commented on how she had far too many potatoes from the summer. (One of her distractions is gardening.)

Mom threw in a jar of pickles and a card in an envelope. S21 thought there would be some “open your present” moment, but no.

Mom broke into more small talk and S21 kept working on leaving. Mom asked if he wanted to stay for supper. Of course he had plans with me and his siblings are arriving, and he told her that.

He eventually got to outside, standing beside his car, with her still talking. For the next twenty minutes Mom kept talking. All small talk. Just delaying him leaving. (It’s pretty obvious she is worried is ain’t going to hear from him for a while again.)

She expressed her hope for a Christmas visit. Often. During the entire visit.

OM arrived and parked his truck. He stay inside the cab for a good long while, trying to look like he was organizing something, and then finally came out carrying only a jacket. He didn’t say anything to XW. She said, I’ll be right in and make supper.

She then told S21, enjoy supper with your Dad.

She always stresses the “your” part of your Dad.

From S21 viewpoint, OM and her are not like they were. OM treats her like how maybe your sister would treat one of your friends she doesn’t really know. “Oh, hi.” That kind of thing.

After all day, you come home to the love of your life. The one you broke up families for. And just grunt a few times and then wordlessly shuffle into the house.

Of course, this visit was unplanned and unannounced. Perhaps more of their normal lives showed.

Anyhow, total visit was just over an hour. The time he got back home, I was already here. He and talked about the visit. Talked about university, life, the mysteries of the universe, math, how reality is only subjective, and many other stimulating topics.

We also watched two movies and stayed up until 2:30 am. Because my other son, S23 and his GF, got stuck in a traffic jam caused by two semis crashing on the icy roads. They were stuck in a line of traffic for three and a half hours. Eventually they got inched up to a gravel mile road and headed south towards the other highway 15 miles south. From two miles away from where they’d been parked for 210 minutes, they could not see the start or end of the line of traffic. The accident scene itself was many many miles further up the road.

Anyone, once they reached the other highway it was clear sailing. Their trip took over seven hours.

S24 and GF were also coming out Friday night. However, it was raining and very icy. After travelling for an hour in four wheel drive, and being only 20 miles from their house, they called and let me know they were turning back. It took them 90 minutes to get home. The rain made the road even worse and added 30 minutes to what they just travelled in 60.

The next day was better. They were rested. And arrived mid morning. D19 arrived just ten minutes later.

Grandma and grandpa were picked up at 1:00 pm. And a fun afternoon of games was enjoyed. The meal was roast beef, gravy, potatoes, corn, and salad. And a chocolate cake! Yummy.

After supper we played the piano. Much singing was done by your’s truly and D19 and GFs.

We’d get sitting side by side and each play one of the hands of the music. Oh my, that’s so fun. S21 and I ran into each other being an octave too high or low. And at times the left hand gets written with a treble clef and is actually higher notes. Too bad! Play those too. Lol. We’d have to reach over the other person to get to “our” keys. Such a good time.

Grandpa recorded a bunch of it on his phone and we will be a big hit around the old folks home. They were asking when DnJ and his kids could come back and play again.

A most wonderful weekend.

Hope all is well.

D


Now: Me54 XW50 S24 S23 S21 D19

Oct 8/17-BD, Moves in w/OM, Leaves Kids
Me49 W46 S20 S19 S16 D15
M26 T29
Dec 9/17-Legal Separation
Oct 3/18-W Files
Apr 6/19-Divorced

Love the Sinner, Forgive the Sin.
DnJ #2926789 11/30/21 02:05 PM
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Sounds like a fun time, except for the visit with J ...
Some thoughts:

1. perhaps she completely ambushed the dude by showing up and moving in. have we ever discussed the possibility of that? IIRC, he was widowed and pretty devastated by the loss, correct? I can completely see J showing up unannounced to tell him she was his, all his.

she also sent you a text telling you of her infidelity but it was not something immediate, right? took some time ... I honestly think OM was taken hostage in a moment of deep grief and now that this has gone on for a while he really doesn't know how to get rid of her, so he's going with the flow, poor b@$t@rd.

2. the footstool, and it being her chair. ... maybe i'm reading too much into this but seems to me she's put herself in a subservient position in the household and keeps herself there. feels like he tolerates her and she knows it, and has no where else to go, having burned her bridges and danced on the ashes.

It reminds me of Shakespeare's sonnet #116 --- though I'm not sure why that is, other than these two are not a marriage of true minds. That much is crystal clear.

3. she hates driving but not only has a job as a driver (ok, lots of folks hate their jobs, but stay for a variety of reasons: flexibility, security, $$) ... but now wants to also add two hour drives a few times a week to deliver dinner to her son??? there's no way I'd want my source of food or really anything to be dependent on her.

4. poached animals. you can imagine how I feel about that. i will not get on my soapbox here. you know where to find me if you want the full rant about poachers.

5. butchering - i've had to learn how to cut up a deer for the wolves (the environmental police will often bring freshly killed deer to the facility). It ain't pretty nor does it smell too good, and we just quarter the deer and let the wolves do the rest. going further to make it ready to cook? that's just ... not something i would ever want to do. blech. and it is a skill which takes more than a couple hours to learn, you sure are right about that. and what makes her think she's gonna outlive butcher dude? that's some hubris.


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
H moved out 4/24/15
D Final 12/23/16

You have no idea what people are going thru in their personal lives. Be nice. It's that simple.
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Originally Posted by bttrfly
now that this has gone on for a while he really doesn't know how to get rid of her, so he's going with the flow, poor b@$t@rd.
I know this song crazy

Came across this yesterday and thought that this might be the right place to post it
Originally Posted by Count of Monte Cristo
Moral wounds have this peculiarity - they may be hidden, but they never close; always painful, always ready to bleed when touched, they remain fresh and open in the heart.
A friend of mine was/is an OW. Been with her guy for probably 20 years now. Still very sensitive about being judged for it.


On BD
H52, W50
T27, M26
S21, D23
BD-9-Mar-16
D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18
I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good.
But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
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Originally Posted by AndrewP
A friend of mine was/is an OW. Been with her guy for probably 20 years now. Still very sensitive about being judged for it.
and can she ever really trust her guy? methinks not.


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
H moved out 4/24/15
D Final 12/23/16

You have no idea what people are going thru in their personal lives. Be nice. It's that simple.
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